To my Baby Girl who knows struggles and learned how to be strong. I love you.
Acknowledgements: To my editors, to my encouragers, to my friends. Thank you Ash and Van so much.
Chapter 1
Beth
There are times in your life that you just know sleeping would be better than getting out of bed and dealing with whatever the day has in store. The day will get you nowhere so why bother. Well, today was one of those days; well actually, the past few days have been like that for me.
I was staring at my alarm clock reading 6:55am willing it to not go off. Like that would stop my mother from coming in here and bugging me to get ready for school. I wish I had super powers to lock my door without getting off my bed. Wouldn’t that be something?
I can hear my parents behind my closed door “Maybe it’s too soon for her to go back. The accident was only three weeks ago. We just buried Mom on Thursday” my mom said. “She needs to get up and out of bed. It’s not healthy. She hasn’t been out of her room since Friday morning and its now Tuesday. I am worried about her. Do you think she needs to talk to someone?” Dad asks.
What my parents don’t know is that Friday night I did leave my room, only I snuck out and went to a house party where all my school friends were. Thank the technology Gods for Facebook, if I hadn’t scanned the “check-in” I wouldn’t have known where the party was being held.
That is where I caught my now ex-best friend Kimberly and my now ex-boyfriend whispering in a secluded corner with his hand on her hip as he leaned in. I have never felt so betrayed. I turned around and left. Thankfully no one saw me coming in or leaving. Well I wanted them to help me get my mind off grandma…..Job Accomplished.
Don’t get me wrong I love my grandma so very much, she was the only sane one in our family and I miss her like crazy but today I decided that I am still not ready to deal with the ex’s in my life. I close my eyes as soon as I see the silver door handle being turned.
“Okay, let her sleep a little while longer and I will call the school. Do you still have the number to that grief counselor?” my dad quietly asks the question. “I think I do, it should be in my purse. I will make an appointment for today.”
Once I heard the latch from the door being shut I opened my eyes and stared at the closed door.
My phone beeped with a text message:
Boyfriend: Good Morning Beautiful
He would usually text me every morning with the same message. I used to be blissfully happy when I heard from him. But today my only thought is I need to feel clean again. So it’s now 9:00am and I am making my way to the shower.
***
I gradually got out of the car and tucked my purse under my arm. As I am settling my nerves my mom slowly grabbed my hand and interlaced our fingers. She gives me a sad smile and tugged me forward into the front door labeled “Family Counseling” while Dad walked behind us.
We were greeted at the door by a very pregnant woman. She was well put together in her black maternity dress and pink high-heels. Her soft pink diamond necklace hung right at her collar line. “Good Morning Mr. and Mrs. Baker. Good Morning Beth”
All I could offer was a nod. “Good Morning Mrs. Parker. Thank you for seeing us on such short notice” dad said.
“No problem at all. Let’s go into my office and we will get started.”
Chapter 2
After a little bit of small talk she asks my parents to step outside so we can have some one-on-one time. I looked around her office. The couch I was sitting on was dark blue with overstuffed pillows; very comfortable. The wall is adorned with plaques and pictures of her and what I assume is her husband. He is handsome. I wonder if he ever cheated on her with her best friend.
“Beth could you please tell me one of your first memories of you and your grandma” Mrs. Parker asks in a sweet calm voice. It’s the kind of voice that wills you to tell your deepest darkest secrets or maybe it’s her kind eyes either way I find myself opening up to her. I can see that if I tell her she won’t offer any judgment and will just listen, kind of like grandma use to.
“My grandma was a great listener.” I said flatly.
Looking at the congratulation card sitting on her desk, littered with pink glitter it invokes a memory from long ago.
***
Kimberly Walker and I have been best friends since Kinder when she shared her glitter with me for the Valentine’s Day cards we had to make for our classmates. She was always doing stuff like that and other kids would always take advantage of her niceness. One of the many things they would take advantage of is the fact that she wouldn’t speak up for herself.
Today we were working on “Get Well” cards for our classmate who is in the hospital. Kim just sat there staring at her paper. I leaned over “hey, do you need help getting started?”
“No, I want to draw her some flowers, but my color pencils are missing. I know they were in there I used then on our last assignment.”
Earlier that day I saw Felix had ‘borrowed’ them. Kimberly turned to her desk neighbor and asked “did you see who took my pencils?” He just shrugged his shoulder and continued with his assignment.
Ms. Neill our 2nd- grade teacher was walking down the aisle and looking over our work. “Great job kids” she would remark every few desks. When she got to Kimberly’s desk she asked her why she wasn’t doing her work. “I can’t find my color pencils.”
“Kimberly you should always be prepared. If you do not complete the work I will be forced to give you an incomplete on your grade. I am already going to take some points off for not coming to class with your supplies” she reprimanded her.
I raised my hand to defend my best friend. She was prepared stupid Felix wasn’t.
“Beth can I help you?” Ms. Neill asked.
“Ms. Neill, Felix has Kimberly’s pencils I saw him take them. He didn’t ask her if he could borrow them.”
All eyes turned to Felix and then to me. He didn’t scare me. It wasn’t my fault the boys in our class were scared of him. Even some of the fifth graders were scared of Felix.
Kimberly would only stare at her desk.
After school that day I went home and told grandma. She sat and listened to everything I had to say. When I was done she smiled and said “I am proud of you for doing the right thing, child. Boys will be boys and girls will tolerate what they do because they think its okay. Don’t let anyone walk all over you and if you see someone being wronged then you be the strong one and take a stand. You should never turn a blind eye to anyone. You never know how that person may be suffering. But it sounds like this Felix guy might be something special in the future and that best friend of yours needs to grow a pair.”
“Eww, grandma gross he is not special. He is a mean boy! What do you mean grow a pair?” She just laughed and walked back into the kitchen to fix me a snack.
***
Mrs. Parker chuckled at my little story and said “It seems to me that your grandma would give some great guidance. If there was one thing you could tell her about the advice she gave you that day what would it be?”
“I am not sure. Maybe I was glad that she felt proud of me?” I shrugged. I could feel the tears as I thought of my loss. She would never again tell me how proud she was of me. I wondered what would she tell me to do about my betraying ex’s.
“Parents and Grandparents have a way of making you feel like you can hang the moon. They guide you and praise you for jobs well done. But sooner or later you need to make decisions without their guidance and their hope is that they have done enough to keep you on the right path without them holding your hand. Do you feel that grandma did a good job there?”
“Yes” I sniffle.
“I do too. I think this is a good st
opping point for today. Would you mind sitting in the waiting room while I talk to your parents for a brief second?”
I nod “Thank you” I whisper as I make my way to the mahogany double doors.
Chapter 3
Felix
I was sitting in class when my phone alerted me to a text message. I pulled the phone out of my pocket and read Angel’s name. I asked to be excused so I could read it in peace and not have Kim looking over my shoulder.
I haven’t heard from her since her grandmother’s funeral. I was worried about her. After we first heard about the accident I was at the hospital every day. Then a week later her father said she didn’t want any more visitors. Kim and I didn’t know what to do. I tried to text her but she wasn’t responding. I was worried she was trying to end things with us. Our first time together was the weekend before the accident. I had been with other girls before Angel but it just wasn’t the same. She somehow over the past few months became my entire world.
I couldn’t lose her after we just found our way to each other.
Angel: I meet with a grief counselor today.
Me: That’s great. Can I come see you?
Angel: No I am not ready to see anyone. Do you remember me telling on you in second grade?
Me: Yes I remember :) You were a pain back then.
***
Mommy was yelling at Daddy again. “We have a child to take care of Salvador, I don’t want any strange men coming in and out of our home. I am not trying to be a nagging wife but honestly, it’s not fair to us.”
“Talia it’s only temporary. His wife left him. He has nowhere else to go. I can’t just throw him out.”
“I don’t care. He’s a drunk. I don’t want that around Felix.”
“Talia be reasonable.”
“No. He goes or we do.”
The door to my room opened, mommy sat on my bed and said “Mijo, it’s time to get ready for school.”
“Ok. Can I wear my football shirt?” I loved football. My mom had bought me a Houston Texans jersey. The numbers were peeling off since I wore it so much but it was my favorite.
“Of course let me get that for you.” She opened my bedroom door and stopped.
“Excuse me Gunner I need to get Felix ready for school. Can you please move aside?”
I could hear Mr. Gunner, daddy’s friend, say something to mommy but she pushed him away. I couldn’t make out what he said but mommy wasn’t happy. She didn’t come back in with my shirt.
She locked the door behind her. “Mijo, hurry we need to leave” mommy looked scared.
I dressed as fast as I could. Once I had my shoes on mommy quietly asked me “we are going to play a game ok?” I nodded. “Have you played the quiet game? Well it’s kind of like that except we are playing hide-n-seek also. We can’t let Mr. Gunner find or hear us. So we need to be extra quiet. If we win we can stop at McDonald’s for breakfast. How does that sound?”
We rushed out the front door, into the car and we were on our way to school. In our rush I forgot my homework. “Mom, I forgot my backpack.”
“Mijo, you can take it in tomorrow. I will talk with your teacher.”
***
That’s also the first memory I have of that asshole Mr. Gunner. Angel, doesn’t know that he was the man that took my life from me. He changed the person I could have become. But thanks to her I am fighting my way back to be the person she needs me to be.
Me: I love you and I will be waiting for when you are ready.
I walk through the school doors waiting for the inevitable questions. ‘Where is Lizzy?’, ‘Do you know if she is coming back?’, and my favorite ‘Are you guys still together?’ That one makes me want to punch the person asking but usually stuck with: Yes she is fine, Yes she is coming back and Yes we are still together. Ending with now shut the fuck up and leave me alone.
Granted, when I had girlfriends in the past it usually only last a month or less. Lizzy and I have been together for a while now and I wasn’t about to let her go. People could think what they wanted about me I was used to it.
I guess I had to suck it up. The more I answered their questions the less likely they would be to ask Lizzy any. Then maybe she could heal a little faster.
Chapter 4
Beth
Grandma had a way of making me feel better. She would praise me and tell me every day I was special. Mrs. Parker reminded me why I was so attached to grandma emotionally. Her advice was always running through my head.
That wasn’t the only time I stood up to Felix. We were having a free day and most of the fourth grade classes were outside on the play ground. The girls would play hop scotch and the boys were playing football. Kim and I were walking toward the fence to watch Kim’s boyfriend Thomas play. Off to the side of where they were playing was the choir room. I saw some pretty flowers growing near the fence by the portable room. I walked over to pick them up. As I got there I heard someone cursing. That’s when I saw Felix holding some boy by the collar of his shirt pushed up against the wall. Even though the boy looked a little older he still seemed scared.
“Felix, let him go and quit being a bully.” I must have taken him by surprise because he quickly dropped his hands and turned toward me. That is when I recognized the boy he had been threatening, Cole. He was a year older than us.
“Mind your own business Lizzy.” He starts walking toward me.
“You are better than this.” I hand him the flower. He took it from my hand and stared at it. When he didn’t say anything I walk away.
Principal Mr. Jones comes over to where we’re walking. “Kids you need to go over to the blacktop.”
“Yes sir.” We said in unison. I walked back over to Kim who was looking at me like I had lost my mind.
“What are you doing talking to the demon?” she asked. I shrugged my shoulder. What I could I really say?
***
Felix
Right after my life had changed I started to see Beth as Angel. I was so angry all the time I took it out on everyone. All it took was one wrong look, it didn’t even have to be toward me and I was set off. I can’t remember how many fights I got into. I relished the pain of a good right hook. It helped numb the pain on the inside.
***
This morning Cole had been talking about how stupid his mom was for taking away his games all because he didn’t finish his homework. Then during our free time him he was telling us how pissed he was at his dad for working late and that cut into the time he was suppose to help him with football.
That was the last straw. Ungrateful kid needed to learn a lesson.
I grabbed him by his collar, pushed him against the wall of the building. “What the fuck is your problem? Can’t you be happy with what you have?”
Stuttering he asks “wh..what are you tal..talking about, man?”
“Felix, let him go and quit being a bully.” I dropped my hands once I heard that strong voice command me.
When I turned and noticed none other than Lizzy. “Mind your own business Lizzy.”
She looked compassionate? Couldn’t be, Lizzy was always looking for way to get me in trouble. Then I got the shock of a life time when she said “You are better than this.” She placed a small purple flower in my hand, turned away and left me in complete sense of calm for the first time since this summer.
Principal Mr. Jones came stalking over to where we were. “Kids you need to go over to the blacktop.”
“Yes sir.” I watched my Angel walk back to her friend. Wondering for the first time who I was really mad at.
Chapter 5
Beth
I finally made it back to school on Friday. The student parking lot is almost full. So I take the last parking space at the end near the gates; it makes for a quick getaway if needed. No one notices me since my car isn’t one you would normally see on campus, a Blue Ford Focus rental. I sit and wait for the first bell to ring. If I wait long enough I won’t have to face people asking question or gawking at me in t
he hall. The last time I made a spectacle of myself on school grounds was to enact revenge. That went over well.
I turned to look out my driver side window at the elementary school. The cafeteria was facing the high school and I had a clear view. I could see the little kids running around playing tag and the older kids walking in and out of the door. That was right about the age when I had to start dealing with divorce, drama and finding myself.
***
We are having our end of year celebration for 5th graders. Only I couldn’t find a reason to celebrate. My parents are getting a divorce and I will be moving away with my father to Montana. I was given the option to stay here in Texas with mom but I have always been able to relate to my dad better. I resented that they made me pick. It’s like trying to pick your favorite candy in the store and saying you can only have one. It is cruel and unfair.
Kimberly and I have spent all of this morning trying to make memories. Our goal was to not be cry babies about it. We were sitting on the stage in the cafeteria while the rest of our classes were in small groups all over the place. Some are getting their yearbooks signed and other are just chatting away planning their summer vacation.
“Kim, I don’t wanna go. Why did they have to do this to me?” If I didn’t feel like I was about to start crying I would laugh at my whining voice.
“Lizzy, we need to make today the best day ever. You need to take these memories with you and I have a great idea on where to start. Just hear me out….you aren’t going to see these people anymore, right? So who cares if you tell them off?”
That immediately takes my mind off crying. I have perfected my evil little smile as Kim calls it. So I pasted that smile on and said “Who shall be first victim?”
Now tell me timing isn’t everything. In walks her highness Natasha “I-steal-boyfriends-for-fun” Stutter. She was dubly named when she stole Kim’s 3rd grade boyfriend Thomas and then in 4th grade she stole my boyfriend Cole. Her current boyfriend is none other than Felix ‘bad boy-good looking-demon’ Navarro. Yes, he was stolen from another girl.
“Well, well….what shall we do to make Natasha mad?” I whispered to Kim.
Growing Up Strong Page 1
