My Name Is Rose

by Sally Grindley

  If she had to be cooped up anywhere, Rose could think of worse places than her bedroom. She wouldn’t have dreamt of swapping it for her tiny bed in the wagon and the closeness of her family, but she had never before experienced such comfort and it was the perfect place for her to take refuge and just be herself.

  Rose looked forward more and more to her lessons with Mrs Conta. She had never thought she would enjoy learning in a classroom environment, but Mrs Conta made it fun. She’s so nice, Rose thought. Some gadje are nice. I wish Esme and Nicu could have met her. They would’ve liked her and been happy for me to spend time with her.

  Rose would sometimes come across Goran as she walked through the gardens. When he wasn’t driving a lawnmower up and down the extensive lawns, much of his time was spent clearing leaves from the paths and plucking them out of the pond. He always touched his cap to her, but his manner was less than respectful.

  ‘Not a bad place to wind up, is it?’ He smirked. ‘You could’ve done worse for yourself.’

  Rose didn’t know how to respond. She nodded blankly.

  ‘Cat got your tongue, has it? Bet I could find it for you. Mind you, I think I’d let the cat have my tongue if it meant I could move into a place like this.’

  Everything he said was delivered with the same big smile, his lips wrapped round a mouth full of overlarge teeth, two of which were capped with gold.

  ‘She’s a bit of a soft touch is the mistress of the house, as well as being rather beautiful. Don’t you go upsetting her, will you? I reckon it wouldn’t take much to turn her from a pussy cat into a tiger.’

  Rose was shocked that he should discuss Mrs Luca in such a way, and decided to avoid him in case he tried to share more of his opinions about Mrs Luca. It wasn’t easy. He often appeared as if from nowhere when she stopped to look at the fish, or to smell a flower, or simply to enjoy being outside.

  ‘They’re worth a lot of money, those fish,’ he said, catching Rose off guard as she held out a finger for one of them to suck to see what it would feel like. ‘He’s obsessed with them, Mr Luca is. He’d go potty if anything happened to them.’

  Rose pulled her finger back quickly as though she’d been bitten, which caused Goran to laugh out loud.

  ‘Unless you’ve put a curse on him, I don’t think that’s going to do any harm,’ he chuckled, ‘which is a shame, because personally I can’t stand the ugly brutes.’

  Rose attempted to walk away, but he caught her arm. ‘Rumour has it you’re a Gypsy.’ He searched her face. ‘Nothing wrong with that, though, is there? As long as things don’t start to go missing.’ He laughed out loud again. ‘Off you go, miss.’

  Rose was relieved when he wasn’t around, and knew she was safe if his truck wasn’t parked behind the sheds. She took to checking first before going into the walled gardens, where there was no escaping him. Alternatively, she set off in the opposite direction to reach the stables. She loved wandering up and down here, stroking the horses and feeding them with the sugar lumps Marina gave her when nobody was looking. If the stable boy was there she nodded at him shyly, but otherwise ignored him. He largely ignored her too, though she sometimes caught him staring at her.

  Mrs Luca had charged Victoria with helping Rose choose which of the two ponies would be hers. Victoria had saddled each of them up in turn and tutted while Rose struggled to mount.

  ‘Mummy said you knew how to ride,’ she said impatiently.

  ‘Yes, I know how to ride,’ Rose wanted to shout with frustration. ‘I know how to ride with my body next to the horse’s body so that he can feel and understand what I want him to do and I can feel him too.’

  She detested the oversized riding hat that Mrs Luca forced her to wear, and thought she would die of embarrassment when Victoria led her round the yard with the pony on a lead, especially when Mrs Luca arrived and clapped her hands.

  ‘Well done, Anna,’ she said. ‘You look quite at home up there. Now, which pony are you going to choose?’

  Rose pointed reluctantly to the piebald, though she had no desire to ride either of them.

  ‘That’s a good choice,’ Mrs Luca agreed. ‘Kosta’s very placid and easy to handle. Well, now, I’m pleased. We’re making such good progress. As soon as you’re confident, Anna, we’ll all go for a ride together.’

  Rose saw Victoria pull a face and fought against doing the same thing.

  When, a few days later and first thing in the morning, they set off along the lane, Victoria leading, Rose in the middle, Mrs Luca behind and Crumble scampering along the verge, Rose’s only enjoyment was breathing in the morning air and listening to the birdsong. Dressed in newly purchased jodhpurs, riding jacket and hat, she felt as though she had been squeezed into clothing designed for someone half her size. Victoria and Mrs Luca were wearing similar outfits, and Rose wondered if they were as uncomfortable as she was. Victoria sat unnaturally straight-backed, Rose thought, and seemed not to be interested in the early morning sights and sounds.

  Mrs Luca kept checking that Rose was managing all right and not tiring herself out too much.

  ‘It’s so easy to forget that you spent nearly three months in hospital not so many weeks ago,’ she said. ‘You look so much healthier now.’

  ‘She’s fine, Mummy. Stop fussing over her,’ Victoria said without turning her head.

  It’s true, Rose admitted to herself. She had filled out all round and her hair was thick and shiny, though Mrs Luca had insisted on having it cut shorter, ‘to make you look more modern and less like . . . less unkempt’. She wanted to laugh, however, at the suggestion that she might tire herself out sitting on a horse and doing nothing more strenuous than trotting up a lane. She hoped they might break into a canter at least, but soon they took a short cut along a bridleway and arrived back at the house.

  ‘Did you enjoy that, Anna?’ Mrs Luca asked as they dismounted.

  Rose nodded her head and tried to look grateful.

  Victoria snorted. ‘It’s not going to be the most exciting thing she’s ever done in her life, is it, Mummy? Leave her alone, poor girl.’

  For a moment Rose thought Victoria was being sympathetic towards her, but she quickly realised that the girl was simply having another dig at Mrs Luca. It saddened her to witness the awkwardness of their relationship, especially when she compared it to the warmth of her own with Esme. Victoria seemed to delight in being at loggerheads with her mother, whereas Rose had hated the times when she and Esme had had cross words. She hoped Esme had known how much she loved her, but doubted that Mrs Luca could ever feel certain of her daughter’s love. As they walked back through the gardens, Rose resolved to make every effort to be good and helpful to her guardian, who must at times find it hard to bring a real smile to her face.

  Chapter 17

  One of Mr Luca’s koi carp died. It was the one Rose had allowed to suck her finger.

  Mr Luca raged through the house after he discovered it lying belly up in the pond. ‘I’ve had that fish since the time we put in the pond. It was worth a fortune. There was no reason for it to die. None whatsoever.’

  ‘It must have been ill,’ said Mrs Luca. ‘You wouldn’t have been able to tell.’

  ‘Of course I’d have been able to tell. I looked at them all yesterday. I look at them all every day. They were all perfectly healthy. I wouldn’t put it past that Goran to have dropped something in the water. I’ve never trusted the man, but you would have your way over him.’

  ‘Don’t be so silly, darling,’ Mrs Luca remonstrated. ‘Goran’s been with us for four years now and his behaviour has always been exemplary.’

  ‘A worm can turn,’ Mr Luca growled. ‘It’s a conspiracy, that’s what it is. Just when things are already going wrong, they get worse.’

  However hard Mrs Luca tried, her husband was not to be pacified. Rose withdrew to her room. She knew she had done nothing wrong, but was terrified Goran might suggest that she had put a curse on the fish. She had no choice but to obey when she was called do
wn to dinner, and she entered the dining room full of fear that the spotlight would fall on her.

  The tension in the air was palpable. Even Victoria was subdued in the face of her father’s anger. Mr Luca complained about everything. The meal was too cold, the meat was tough, Mrs Luca was spending too much money.

  He turned his attention to Rose. ‘What have you got to say for yourself, then?’ he demanded.

  Rose gazed down at her plate.

  ‘Well?’ Mr Luca persisted. ‘I’m spending all this money on you and you’re still maintaining this stubborn silence.’

  ‘Don’t,’ Mrs Luca protested.

  ‘Don’t what?’

  ‘Don’t be so heartless.’

  ‘Heartless! I’m providing this child with a home and everything that goes with it, and you’re calling me heartless! Foolish, more like. As for all the other waifs and strays you’ve netted, it’s a wonder I’m not completely penniless already.’

  ‘Can we have this conversation in private rather than in front of the girls?’ Mrs Luca said in a low voice.

  ‘It’ll do Anna, or whatever her name is, good to understand the sacrifices we’re making. Perhaps then she’ll make a little more effort.’

  ‘I don’t know how you dare talk about our sacrifices in front of her,’ Mrs Luca hissed.

  ‘I dare because this is my house, and I’ll do what I like in it!’ Mr Luca pushed back his chair and stormed out of the room, passing Marina on the way and rebuking her for another poor meal.

  ‘Please don’t worry. You do very well, Marina,’ Mrs Luca assured her as she cleared the dishes. ‘My husband is a little upset, that’s all.’

  ‘Over the death of a fish!’ Victoria smirked. ‘Daddy never could control his anger.’

  ‘You don’t understand what he’s going through, and you know very well how important those fish are to your father,’ Mrs Luca chided.

  ‘He doesn’t need to take it out on everyone else, though, does he?’ said Victoria. ‘Poor Anna must be shaking in her shoes.’

  Rose looked in surprise at Victoria.

  ‘Mind you, he does have a point,’ Victoria continued, holding Rose’s stare.

  ‘What do you mean?’ her mother asked.

  ‘Doesn’t matter,’ said Victoria. ‘Let’s just hope he doesn’t find any more dead fish. Hey, Mummy, do you think that’s what “carpe diem” really means, and not “seize the day”? Do you get it? “The carp died.” You have to think of it written down.’

  ‘That’s a dreadful joke,’ said Mrs Luca, ‘but I’m glad some Latin is sinking in.’

  ‘Latin’s a waste of time and money,’ Victoria said, pouting.

  ‘Not if you’re going to be a doctor,’ Mrs Luca argued.

  ‘You want me to be a doctor. I don’t want to be a doctor.’

  ‘Your father and I both want you to be a doctor. It’s a fine profession. It’s what I would have chosen for myself if I’d had the opportunity.’

  ‘Instead, you married a rich businessman and you don’t ever have to work. What about Anna? What do you want Anna to be?’

  Rose frowned as she became the centre of attention again.

  ‘Anna’s much younger than you,’ said Mrs Luca. ‘It’s far too early for us to worry about that yet.’

  ‘You don’t know how old she is. Ask her to write down her age.’

  Rose quickly held up ten fingers.

  ‘When’s your birthday, then?’ Victoria demanded.

  Luckily, there was no paper immediately to hand, since Rose didn’t know her exact date of birth, only the month, and she didn’t want Victoria watching her struggle to write it down. But in any case, Mrs Luca, who had looked increasingly uncomfortable during her daughter’s interrogation, suddenly interrupted her.

  ‘Anna’s birthday is just as it says on the papers we had drawn up for her, since there were none of her own to be found. November the twentieth.’

  ‘That’s sick,’ said Victoria. ‘That’s really sick.’

  ‘Quiet!’ Mrs Luca turned on her angrily. ‘You weren’t asked for your opinion.’

  Rose was astounded to learn she had a new birth month. Her real birthday was in February, though Esme and Nicu hadn’t always celebrated it on the same date every year. ‘It’s around the fourth,’ Esme had told her, ‘but we’ve got a bit confused. It doesn’t really make much difference.’

  Rose had had her tenth birthday in February, and now she was going to have her eleventh birthday less than ten months later. She realised she was losing her entire identity. She was becoming someone else – ‘Anna’ was taking over.

  ‘For your birthday, Anna,’ Mrs Luca was saying, ‘I thought we’d go to a theme park.’

  ‘What? You’ve never taken me to a theme park!’ Victoria was outraged.

  ‘I know, darling,’ said Mrs Luca. ‘It’ll be a treat for both of you. You’d like that, wouldn’t you, Anna?’

  Rose didn’t know what a theme park was. She nodded, because it sounded as though it was something she should be very happy about, but she was still coming to terms with the idea of having a new birthday and turning eleven sooner than she had expected.

  ‘I certainly shan’t be going on any rides myself.’ Mrs Luca pulled a face. ‘So the two of you will be able to go off together.’

  Rose wondered if Mrs Luca was unwell when she said she wouldn’t be going on any rides. She was appalled at the thought of going off with Victoria on her own, trotting obediently along on Kosta while Victoria galloped into the distance on Griffin.

  ‘Oh, whoopee-doo,’ Victoria snorted. ‘If Anna keeps up her vow of silence she won’t even be able to have a good scream.’

  ‘I’m sure you’ll make up for it, darling,’ said Mrs Luca. ‘And it’ll be a good chance for me to get some photos of you together.’

  The conversation had ceased to make any sense to Rose. She hadn’t a clue what they were talking about and why she should want to scream, but it made her very anxious.

  Mrs Luca stood up from the table. ‘Goodnight, Anna dear. You’re looking tired. Take yourself off to bed now, and have sweet dreams.’

  Chapter 18

  When Rose wasn’t having lessons, Mrs Luca involved her in everything from shopping for food to browsing garden centres to going to church, where the congregation looked at her curiously, wondering perhaps where she had suddenly appeared from. Rose noticed that Mrs Luca kept herself very much to herself, answering politely if spoken to, but not encouraging conversation. Victoria absented herself whenever she could, disappearing off to meet friends, taking one of the horses out, or claiming to be tired. Her mother tried hard to knit them together as a family, but neither Victoria nor her father made much effort, and Rose herself was happier to rub along with Mrs Luca on her own, rather than cope with the multifarious tensions that arose when they were all together.

  The extravagant spending sprees that Mrs Luca indulged in were in stark contrast to daily life inside the Lucas’ home, which Rose found to be cheerless, apart from lesson-time. Rose missed the noise, the colour and the variety of life with her family and their Roma friends. One of the things she missed most was music. Music had been such a big part of her life with Esme and Nicu. From the age of four, she had accompanied her parents and members of their extended family on the tambourine – not always in time, but with great gusto. She had pressed the keys and buttons on Esme’s accordion and watched in awe as her mother pushed the bellows in and out. She had first picked up the bow to her father’s violin when she was just two, and scraped it across the strings while he held the instrument still and moved his fingers on the fret. It had amused him to watch her, but as she grew older and he realised that she had a good ear and a natural sense of rhythm, he encouraged her to play whenever she showed the slightest bit of interest.

  Victoria listened to pop music in her bedroom behind her closed door, but nothing was left of it apart from the boom and thud of bass and drum by the time it filtered through the thick walls. Once in a w
hile Mrs Luca turned on the radio to listen to a play, and Mr Luca never missed the news, but they rarely switched over to music.

  One day, Rose was left alone in the house while Mr Luca was at a meeting and Mrs Luca took Victoria out for the afternoon.

  ‘We’re going to spend some mother and daughter time together,’ Mrs Luca explained to Rose. ‘I’m sure you understand, don’t you, Anna? Marina will be here till late, and Goran is outside, so you’ll be perfectly safe.’

  Rose nodded, delighted. She watched them slide into a car and waved as they departed down the drive. Thank goodness! she thought. She grabbed a handful of gravel and threw it up in the air. She wanted to run through the gardens and dabble her hands in the pond. She wanted to free one of the horses and gallop away across the fields.

  ‘Don’t go doing anything naughty while they’re away, will you, miss?’

  Rose spun round and came face to face with Goran. He grinned at her slyly.

  ‘Here, I’ve got some chocolate. Do you want some?’

  Rose shook her head and turned to go back into the house.

  ‘Too hoity-toity to accept a bit of chocolate from a gardener, are we?’ Goran sneered. ‘A few posh clothes don’t change who you are, miss. I’ll be keeping an eye on you.’

  Rose fled indoors. Her delight at being left on her own was banished in that one brief moment. She would have to stay inside for the remainder of the afternoon. She wouldn’t dare to go back out and risk more abuse.

  The house was so silent. Wherever Marina was, she wasn’t making any noise. Rose wanted to know her whereabouts, just in case she needed her. Much as she had longed to be left alone, Rose felt daunted by the size and sombreness of the Lucas’ home. She tiptoed along the hallway, not because she was scared of being discovered, but because it seemed wrong to break the silence. The mere fact of being alone, though, made her anxious that someone or something might be lurking in the shadows and jump out at her. When Rose reached the kitchen and found the door was ajar, she stood and listened, then, heart in mouth, pushed the door gently until it was open wide enough for her to see inside.