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by Dawn Kimberly Johnson

  It had only been a week. A man didn’t forget how to talk to his lover in seven days, and he and Alec always had plenty to talk about. Plenty to fight about lately. Maybe that was it. Maybe the things they had to talk about, needed to talk about, were too difficult and likely to ruin a carefully planned and potentially lovely evening together. The candles were no longer romantically warming their intimate space, but instead casting disturbing, chaotic shadows between them.

  “Let’s dig in, shall we?” Alec said finally.

  Eli sighed happily and began to eat. It was delicious, which gave them something safe to discuss. “Did you make all this yourself?”

  Alec laughed. “No. Jacob did, from Catering Jake? He did Tony and Lyle’s party.”

  Eli nodded. “The chicken’s so tender and moist.” Okay, that’s too safe. “Is that the only help you had for all this?”

  “Nope. Mirabell was here.”

  “I thought I saw some tiny, yellow legs climbing into a car as I pulled up.”

  Alec chuckled. “Yep, that was her. She trimmed my hair for me, helped me pick out what to wear, and… oh, she lit these,” he said, indicating the candles.

  “I nearly drove Ilsa nuts getting ready tonight.”

  “How is she, by the way?”

  “Better, I think. Although lately she seems… I don’t know… lonely?”

  “Even with Casey?”

  Eli shook his head as he quickly finished off another bite of the chicken. “I think she’s afraid of Casey, afraid to be in love. In fact, we had a short discussion about love and fear the other day.”

  “I can understand that.”

  “Really?” he asked, pausing to look closely at Alec. “To be in love is to be afraid?”

  “Ultimately what people fear isn’t love, it’s the possibility of pain that comes from the vulnerability.” They stared silently at one another for a moment. “You were afraid of me moving out.” He began to protest, but Alec raised his hand to quiet him. “I understand it, Eli. You were nervous about what the change would do to us, to us as a couple.”

  “You have to admit there were some dodgy moments just now.”

  “I don’t consider a lull in the conversation a disaster.”

  They both laughed. “What about you?” Eli asked.

  “What about me?”

  “Why the sudden urge to move? It can’t just be about me avoiding the stairs.”

  Alec appeared caught off guard with that question. He drained his glass and poured a bit more wine into it, offering the same to Eli, who declined.

  “What did Ilsa tell you?”

  “She said you were afraid I was still hung up on Bennett, that maybe—because I don’t always look at—maybe I was even thinking of him when we were—”

  “I never said that.”

  “Once I thought it through, I didn’t think you had, but her sauces are not the only things our friend embellishes. She can also extrapolate like nobody’s business.” Alec didn’t know what to say to that. “It must have shown on your face at some point,” Eli finished softly.

  Alec nodded, and Eli reached for the wine bottle, filling his glass halfway. He stared at the wine, swirling it around in his glass, smiling as it caught the light from the candles. Then he took a sip and looked at Alec. “Do you remember the night we made love for the first time?”

  “Of course.”

  “You found me crying in your shower.” Alec nodded. “Why did you think I was crying?”

  Alec thought about it, trying to remember what had been going through his mind as he comforted Eli. “I figured you were… it was very emotional. I was the first man you’d been with since his death.” Alec sighed and shifted nervously in his seat. “I thought you were missing him.”

  Eli shook his head. “That was the night I stopped thinking of Bennett as my lover, and I was torn between mourning and joy.” He reached out and brushed Alec’s fingers with his own but cast his gaze down.

  “Eli, look at me,” Alec said. “Please look—”

  “And you need to understand something about why it’s difficult for me to look at you when we’re making love.” Eli’s gaze came back up to meet Alec’s, his eyes fiercely blue. “I am not thinking of Bennett or imagining you’re him.”

  Alec nodded and watched his boyfriend struggle to articulate what he was feeling.

  “It has a lot to do with that vulnerability you mentioned before,” Eli continued. “You know my scars aren’t too much of an issue for me anymore, but the way you look at me… at times… it’s like you can see straight to my core, and maybe there are things about me I don’t want you to see.” Alec tried to cut in, but he headed him off. “The idea that someday—or some night—you might look at me and see that I’m not the man you want or need, not the man you think I am… Alec, that terrifies me.”

  “Why would I ever think that?”

  “I just don’t want to be looking at you when you realize it.” The silence began to stretch between them again, so Alec changed the subject.

  “After dinner, I’ll give you a tour of the place,” he said. “You saw some of it in transition, but now that it’s complete, I’m really happy with it.”

  “I’d like that,” Eli whispered, then more forcefully, “I’m especially interested in seeing that shower.” He didn’t know what he’d said wrong, but even in the candlelight, he could see Alec’s gray eyes go wide and dilate drastically.

  “I REALLY like the cabinets. Simple, functional, but the frosted glass fronts give them a little punch.”

  “You sound like Lyle,” Alec said, smiling. “It’s funny, but after it was completed, I was standing here in the middle of this room, looking around, and suddenly realized how much it reminded me of Ilsa’s kitchen.”

  “I wasn’t going to say anything,” Eli said, grinning crookedly. He ran his fingers over the black granite on the island and noticed Alec following his fingers with his eyes. “It’s much more modern, though.”

  “This was the lower, middle-end option. Decent surfaces, but, for example, the island is smaller than in Tony and Lyle’s kitchen, and there’s less counter space.”

  Drawing his fingers slowly over the cool brushed nickel of the faucet and smiling as Alec watched intently, Eli said, “Well, those two are more the big, dinner-party types, what with the artistic community and antique hounds to entertain.”

  “True, true.” Alec nodded. “I can think of only a few people I’d like to have over.”

  They looked at each other and smiled. “What else do you have to show me?”

  “Uh… okay, you’ve seen the living room—the table is normally in here, of course, so you’d have to imagine that.” Eli nodded. “The kitchen—I guess that leaves the bedroom.”

  Eli smiled and glanced at the entry to the living room, waiting for Alec to lead the way. He did, but Eli could see he was nervous about something. They crossed back through the living room, heading for a darkened hallway. Just beyond the bar was a closet. On their left, Alec opened a door to a small room.

  “This will be the guest room and office,” he said, flicking on the light briefly. Eli spotted the old chest of drawers and work desk from Alec’s room at Ilsa’s. Alec turned off the light and they walked a bit farther, pausing at another door. “This is the guest bathroom.” Eli stepped forward and scanned the tasteful, simple interior. “Mira wanted to paint it orange and green, but I shut her down.”

  “Thank goodness for that,” Eli said.

  “Yeah, you’d think her place would look like a carnival,” Alec said, “but it’s really rather sedate.”

  They continued to the end of the hall, and Alec opened the door to his master bedroom. Eli’s insides fluttered a bit in anticipation, and it wasn’t because of the décor. A few lights were already on, casting a warm glow around the room. It was large with an impressive bed and dark, modern furniture. Eli stepped deeper into the room, trying to take it all in. He turned slowly and smiled at Alec.

  “What
do you think?”

  “Alec, it’s… it’s beautiful.” Eli reached out and stroked the comforter on the bed, surreptitiously pressing down to gauge the firmness of the mattress.

  Alec stepped up behind him. “Can’t think of anything you’d change?”

  “Me? It’s not my—” Eli felt Alec hesitantly touch his shoulder.

  “I’ve missed you.” Alec slowly slid his arm around Eli’s waist and hugged him back against his body. He pressed his lips to Eli’s ear. “I know it’s only been a week, but it’s been tough not having you at hand.”

  Before he could stop himself, Eli said, “You’re the one who moved out.”

  He felt Alec immediately tense, but he couldn’t take it back, so he closed his eyes and breathed deeply, waiting for Alec to say something. Please say something. Forgive me. Pretend you didn’t hear. Eli could feel Alec’s arousal pressing against his bottom, and his gut quivered with need. He quickly covered Alec’s hand with his own, holding it against his abdomen in silent apology, and after a few seconds, he felt the tension leave Alec’s body. They both sighed.

  “It could be our bedroom,” Alec whispered in his ear. “We could easily move the bed against the wall, the way you like it.”

  Eli smiled at the suggestion and the warmth of Alec’s breath against his skin. But as he struggled to remain lucid, Alec’s hands slid beneath his jumper, caressing his back, slipping around to his chest, and sending his thoughts spinning. With his lips and teeth, Alec worked on Eli’s neck, one hand teasing his nipples, the other pressing backward, holding him in place as Alec rubbed himself against Eli’s bottom.

  Eli gasped. God, I missed this. His head spun. He could hear and feel the blood pounding in his ears, which was strange because he was convinced most of it resided farther south at the moment.

  “I… I can’t think like this. I… c-can’t—”

  “You can think after,” Alec growled as he withdrew his busy hands, grabbed Eli’s cane, tossing it on the bed, and removed his pullover in one fluid effort. Suddenly Eli was bare-chested, spun around to face Alec, and being backed toward the bed, hair wild, eyes wide, and panting. They fell together, Alec on top, his lips taking Eli’s, a thumb insistently brushing over a nipple, and the other hand unbuckling Eli’s belt.

  “How… how m-many hands do you have?”

  Alec laughed, pausing to look in Eli’s eyes. “I want to taste you,” he moaned, shifting on the bed again, moving them farther up toward the headboard. Eli heard his cane fall to the floor with a thud. That’s fine, he thought as he lay his head back on the pillow and stared at the ceiling. I’m not going anywhere. He felt Alec’s breath on his cock just before it was engulfed by his warm, wet mouth.

  Chapter 23

  OPENING his eyes was the last thing he did. First Eli stretched, arching his back against the mattress, feeling the tension and release vibrate from one end of his body to the other. Good God, but he felt fantastic—exhausted and fantastic. He slowly became aware of his perfect place between the sheets, sliding his legs and arms across them, welcoming the luxurious feel of them against his skin, relishing the weight of the comforter on top of him. His arm brushed over the cooler, left side of the bed, and he knew Alec wasn’t next to him, but still he didn’t open his eyes.

  He simply rolled over and buried his face in Alec’s pillow, embracing it and breathing in his scent. He pressed his satisfied penis into the mattress, hardly believing it was stiffening again as he recalled Alec’s lips around it. He remembered the feel of Alec filling him, stretching him. He flexed his inner muscles, felt that ache, and smiled.

  Next he allowed his ears to reach out. He didn’t hear the shower running, but he heard noises from the next room, or maybe the kitchen, faint and distant. And then the aroma of coffee reached him. His eyes came open then and found the room dim, muted light sneaking through the drawn curtains. Eli rolled over again and looked at the curtains. They’d been open to the night sky when Alec had taken him, the French doors slightly open, allowing a breeze to blow in from the balcony, across the bed and their naked, sweaty bodies.

  He smiled and laughed a bit as he remembered how loud he’d been when he came, and how loud he’d been during the twenty minutes before that. Had they heard him on the street below? Had they figured out what he was doing or what was being done to him? Later, after a nap, they’d made love again, less hurried but just as passionate and the ending just as happy. Now he could smell a proper fry-up—or Alec’s version of one—and he realized he was starving. He sat up in bed and looked around the room. He could get used to this.

  “Coffee?”Alec asked, appearing in the doorway wearing a T-shirt, pajama bottoms, and slippers, and bearing a mug with steam rising out of it.

  Eli nodded. “Yes, please,” he croaked, then cleared his throat. Alec sat on the edge of the bed and passed the mug to him. Eli took a sip and sighed. Then, self-consciously, his hand went to his hair, which was, as he suspected, truly fucked. He smiled. Just like me.

  “How’d you sleep?” Alec asked, reaching out and stroking his bare arm.

  “Don’t remember sleeping.” Eli leaned forward and kissed Alec. “I just passed out. How about yourself?”

  “Much the same. You wore me out, Mr. Burke.”

  “Sorry,” Eli said, taking another sip and giving Alec a wicked smile. He was not sorry.

  “No need to apologize. That kind of exhaustion I’ll always welcome.”

  They kissed again, this time lingering and unwieldy, Eli rising up on his knees and almost spilling the coffee. They broke apart, laughing.

  “Here,” Alec said, laughing and reaching for the mug, “let me take that. Hungry?”

  “Very. Where are my clothes?” Eli looked around the room.

  Alec was already at the door. “They’re in the chair, there, but I thought we might lounge around some, watching movies, eating, drinking—making love?” Eli smiled. “You’ll find some sweats and T-shirts in that dresser, there, and your cane is—” Alec pointed to the nightstand on Eli’s side of the bed.

  “Thanks. I’ll just pop in the loo and join you at the table.” Alec nodded and disappeared. Eli slid out of bed, grabbed his walking stick, and approached the bathroom door, the bulk of which was frosted glass. He slid aside the pocket door and stepped over the threshold into an elegant space. As he remembered from his previous visit, there was no tub, just that grand shower. But he did take note of the evenly spaced hand rails set in the shower’s tiled wall. Those weren’t there before. To his right were dual sinks with oval mirrors above them framed in dark wood, possibly mahogany.

  The room had a subtle masculine feel to it. The color scheme reminded him of a forest with its pale green tiles, warm brown walls, and dark wood trim. The vanity resembled a piece of furniture more than something you’d normally find in a bathroom. Eli ran his fingers over the surface, smiling appreciatively.

  There was a small closet to his left, right before the shower, that he suspected held towels, and at the back of the room, beyond the shower, was another door. Eli went over and opened it, finally discovering the toilet. When he was done relieving himself, he stopped at one of the sinks to wash his hands and face. Curious, he opened the central medicine cabinet and found a toothbrush still in its package.

  He fingered it thoughtfully, then glanced down at a silver cup on the vanity that held what was obviously Alec’s toothbrush. He closed the cabinet door and went back into the bedroom. He went to the dresser and fished out a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt. Both were a bit big on him, but he tightened the drawstring on the pants sufficiently. He was about to search for his socks and shoes when he stumbled across a pair of leather slippers tucked neatly under the bed on his side.

  He picked them up and examined them—they were his size. Not exactly a subtle invitation. Eli struggled between being annoyed or being thrilled that he was welcome.

  “Eli, the food’s getting cold!” Alec called from the kitchen, so Eli put the slippers on and went t
o join his boyfriend.

  The table was still in the living room by the windows, but the tablecloth was gone, revealing the glass beneath. Alec poured orange juice as Eli approached, and instead of candles, there was now a glass vase with a few roses in it. Eli took his seat, smiled at Alec, and began to eat. The food was delicious and still sufficiently hot. He cocked an eyebrow at Alec, wordlessly asking a question as he ate.

  Alec grinned shyly. “Breakfast I can do.”

  “I’d say so.”

  They continued in silence for a while, both desperately needing sustenance. Then Alec spotted Eli’s footwear through the table top.

  “Oh… you, uh…” Alec said, wiping his mouth and quickly sipping some juice, “you found those, I see.”

  “Yes, and how odd that they’re in my size. And how very strange that there’s an extra, brand new toothbrush in your cupboard and hand grips in your shower.”

  Alec grinned shyly. “Well, yes… I wanted you to have everything you’d need when you’re here.”

  “When I’m here?”

  “Eli, I’m not going to lie to you.” Alec sighed. “I would love for you to move in, to live here with me, but I know that has to be your decision. I’m not pushing.”

  “Just making it damn near irresistible.”

  “I’m not apologizing for that,” Alec said, smiling. Eli returned it, watching fondly as Alec unconsciously raked his hand through his hair to get it off his face. He was suddenly reminded how frightful his hair must look. Haircut, next thing on my list.

  When they finished their meal, they carried the dishes to the kitchen, and Eli began filling the sink with hot water, adding a squirt of liquid soap.

  “I have a dishwasher,” Alec said.