Lila withdrew her hand, laced her fingers behind her head, and gazed up at the sky. “Go ahead.”
Relieved not to have to worry about maintaining eye contact, Alice joined Lila’s study of the stars. “How about I give you the short version?”
“All right.”
She experienced a moment of worry before speaking, driven by the familiar fear of appearing stupid. Confront your fears, she coached herself, focusing on a cluster of stars while imagining her therapist Dawn was seated beside her. “My Irish mother got pregnant by her secret Chinese boyfriend—my father—when she was eighteen years old. Her parents kicked her out of the house, and despite the fact that my father’s mother despised her and blamed her for ruining her son’s life, they got married and moved into his parents’ home. We lived there until I was five, when we moved three houses down the street. My mother embraced the Tiger Mom stereotype wholeheartedly, no doubt because my grandmother constantly judged and criticized her every move. So she put enormous pressure on me to be perfect in everything I did. School, the cello, debate team. I was a reflection of not only her, but of her relationship with my father. If I was anything less than perfect, Grandmother won.” Alice stopped talking, feeling as though she’d been speaking forever. “That wasn’t very short, was it? My apologies. Apparently that’s what a year of therapy gets you.”
“No apology necessary.” Lila straightened, half turning to stare at Alice’s face. “That sounds like a rough childhood.”
“Oh, I don’t know.” Alice hated to claim any kind of disadvantage, particularly without knowing anything about Lila’s background. “I had a roof over my head, food on the table, two parents at home, an extended family, a gorgeous cello to play for hours every day.” She forced a smile, careful not to sound ignorant about her level of privilege. “Millions of people have rougher childhoods, believe me.”
“Very true, but that doesn’t make growing up under the expectation of unflinching perfection any less arduous.” Lila’s hand found hers again, the palm cradling her knuckles. “Don’t diminish your experience just because you don’t have the most tragic sob story I’ve ever heard, all right? My mom was always my best friend. I can’t imagine growing up any other way. To me, not having that seems rough.”
Alice shrugged. “Point taken. And it was rough—mostly in that I withdrew socially, too busy chasing my mother’s ideals to make any real friends. Or to learn how not to be a total dork.”
Lila stroked her thumb over the side of Alice’s hand. “Stop that. No more.”
“No negative self-talk, as my therapist says.” Alice nodded, watching the motion of Lila’s thumb. “Right. I’m done.”
“Good.” Lila ducked her head to catch Alice’s attention. “Is your mother still around?”
“Yes. My father, too.” Suddenly self-conscious, Alice looked away. “She was brutally disappointed in me when my husband filed for divorce last year. Things have been strained since, to say the least.”
“What would she think of Camp Rewind?”
Laughing, Alice glanced over her shoulder at the shore, then grinned at Lila. “Considering that I never went to camp as a kid, I’m guessing she wouldn’t be impressed. Luckily, the other benefit of a year in therapy is that I’ve largely stopped caring what she thinks. Honestly. I’ll never make her happy, so I’m no longer trying.” Still loopy from the pot, Alice let herself be swept away by her passionate rejection of her mother’s judgment. “Now I’m trying to make me happy.”
“Good for you.” Lila sounded wholly sincere, and the praise warmed Alice in ways she could never have anticipated. “Seriously, you need to give yourself a lot of credit. It takes courage to reject a lifelong authority figure and do your own thing. And it definitely took courage to come here.”
“I don’t know.” Reluctant to accept the compliment, Alice tried to change the subject. “So what about you? Why are you here?”
Lila’s smile seemed to freeze almost imperceptibly. It was the sort of thing that Alice noticed when no one else did. She’d hit a nerve, though she couldn’t imagine what. Afraid she’d somehow ruined the easy air between them, she opened her mouth to apologize, but Lila recovered her composure before she could get a word out.
“I just…needed to get away for a few days.” Lila’s eyes glistened, making Alice’s heart beat faster in sympathy. “Recapture a simpler time, maybe. I don’t know. I thought it seemed like a good idea, and so far I’d say I was right.” She glanced away, then lowered her hand over the side of the boat to test the water. “The lake is still pretty warm.”
“I’m not surprised. Temperatures have been unseasonably hot.” Alice hesitated, not wanting to trigger any more negative memories in her quest to get to know Lila better. Still, she felt the need to address the tension she’d introduced. “I’m sorry if it felt like I was prying. That wasn’t my intention.”
Lila gave her a smile that reflected a complex mixture of emotions. “You didn’t. Shit.” She shook her head, tugging on the ends of her bobbed haircut with what seemed like frustration. “Here you just shared your entire life story—”
“Not the entire story.” Alice kept her voice mild, all of a sudden worried she was about to chase her only friend away. “I haven’t even started talking about my ex-husband yet.”
Lila giggled, then fished around before producing the roach she’d passed off earlier. “I’m willing to bet we can get another hit out of this thing. Two, if we’re lucky. If you want to talk exes, we probably ought to try.”
Alice fumbled in her pocket until she found the lighter. “I’m in.”
They erupted into uncontrolled giggles when, during a coordinated lighting of the joint, Lila nearly singed the tip of her nose on the flame Alice held in unsteady hands. The shared laughter felt so good that Alice quickly found herself near tears. She flashed back to the brochure she’d seen in Dawn’s office, specifically the way the photo of the two women in the paddleboat had made her feel. After not believing she could ever have a moment like that for herself, here she was only weeks later, having it. Here they were.
Lila continued to chuckle as she confiscated the lighter. “Here, let me.” She carefully lit the tiny roach, then said, “Want to shotgun this hit?”
Rather than admit she wasn’t sure what that meant, Alice said, “Okay.”
Lila took a long drag, then leaned across the boat’s console to curl her hand around the back of Alice’s neck. She pressed her open mouth against Alice’s, so gently it made Alice’s heart race and her body tremble. Startled by the intimate contact, Alice parted her lips on instinct, despite having no idea what to do. Lila passed the hit to her by exhaling into her mouth, lingering close for long moments after she ran out of smoke. The tip of Alice’s tongue poked out automatically and bumped against Lila’s top lip, almost as though she were actually bold enough to initiate a real kiss. Panic swept through Alice at the same moment her lungs finally registered the acrid heat of the hit and instantaneously threatened to explode. She jerked away and turned her head to the side, coughing heartily as she tried to recover from everything about the experience Lila had just introduced. A warm hand landed on her back and rubbed soft circles through her T-shirt.
“Easy,” Lila murmured. “That was a big one.”
It sure was. Alice rested her arms on her thighs and hung her head low as the euphoria of the plant swept over her, grateful for the excuse not to look Lila in the eye. Had Lila felt her tongue? Did she think that had been her attempt at a seduction? If so, was she disgusted? Horrified? Interested? Breathing deeply, Alice picked her head up to look out at the reflection of the moon on the water. She had no idea what to say or do next, yet she couldn’t help but notice what a beautiful night it was. A night she would no doubt remember for the rest of her life.
Lila’s hand ceased its rubbing motion but remained pressed between her shoulder blades. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to embarrass you.”
Alice shook her head, still not sure how to
recover their rapport. Finally, desperate to say something, anything to break the awkwardness of the moment, she observed, “We seem to be apologizing to each other a lot.”
“Well, I think it’s necessary this time. I never wanted to make you uncomfortable.”
Alice shrugged and shook her head again. “You didn’t.” She didn’t expand beyond that. Honestly, she couldn’t. “I just didn’t want to cough into your mouth.”
“I appreciate that.” Lila’s hand left her back, the spot it had been covering cold with its absence. “That’s an old college trick. I was a little wild back in those days.”
“I would guess we had pretty different college experiences.” Alice chanced a sidelong glance at Lila, relieved yet strangely disappointed to find her once again studying the night sky. “I only started smoking cannabis after the divorce…occasionally, for anxiety. It seems to help.”
“I’m glad.” Lila shifted her gaze to Alice and met her eyes. “You said your husband was the one who filed. It wasn’t a mutual decision?”
“Mutual between him and his girlfriend, perhaps. They didn’t consult me.”
“Ouch.” Lila grimaced, then offered her a half-smile. “His loss, right?”
The cliché rolled over her without connecting. “I doubt he thinks so, but I appreciate the sentiment.”
“Have you started dating again?”
Was it her imagination, or did Lila’s question hold a note of restrained hope? As difficult as that was to fathom, the evening had already yielded one impossibility after the next. “One date so far, which was a total disaster. I could barely even speak to the guy.”
“Why?”
“He was this overly attractive, well-muscled firefighter with a movie-star grin. I froze. Sometimes I think it’s my fear of freezing—and by extension looking foolish—that actually makes the social paralysis happen. A self-fulfilling prophecy, I suppose. It’s always been like that when I try to interact with people, ever since I was a kid.” She could no longer hold eye contact when Lila smiled in a way that lit up her entire face, reminding Alice that she was every bit as attractive as her Internet paramour had been. More, even. “Dating…is possibly not for me.”
“I hate to repeat myself, but again, give yourself some credit. You’re doing really well right now, with me.” Lila tapped her arm, rewarding her with a kind expression once Alice gathered the courage to look up into her eyes. “Or am I not overly attractive enough to make you really shut down?”
Not for the first time, Alice detected something in Lila’s voice that hinted at genuine sexual interest, which wasn’t impossible, right? It wasn’t like she was some hideous monster from the deep. John had been into her, once upon a time. A strange calm came over Alice, no doubt helped along by her unprecedented high. If she made a fool of herself tonight, she could always leave first thing tomorrow morning. Right? Even if that did happen, she’d already achieved more than she’d ever dreamed by coming to Camp Rewind. This entire experience had been so surreal, so wonderful, that Alice felt moved to trust her instincts and lower her inhibitions ever so slightly.
“I think you’re plenty attractive. Extremely attractive would be the more accurate way to put it.” Alice cringed at the sound of her own voice, yet the words kept tumbling out. “You’re exactly the right amount of attractive, I think, so…no, not overly. Which is a good thing.” Her cheeks warmed, yet she managed not to hide her face, allowing her to witness the obvious pleasure her words elicited. “Maybe I find women less intimidating?”
“You and me both. There’s a lot to like about men, but it’s easier with other women, isn’t it?” Lila moved closer, and for a crazy moment, Alice thought she might actually initiate a full-out kiss. Unsure whether she was ready to take that step, while simultaneously desperate for something to happen, Alice felt only marginal relief when Lila gestured at the narrow slice of water visible between her side of the boat and the dock. “Any way I might talk you into a quick swim? The water really does feel nice, if you want to test it with your hand.”
Alice’s head spun at the sudden change in topic. “Um…”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want. It’s okay, really.” Lila pulled back and peered down over the side of the boat, then out at the open expanse of water in the lake beyond. “I just…wouldn’t mind cooling off a little.”
Alice tried to decide whether she’d done something wrong, but she didn’t think that was the problem. Was Lila nervous, too? Or embarrassed? Had Alice not been clear enough about her interest? Or had she misinterpreted Lila’s intentions from the start? Stop. STOP. The stern admonishment in her head sounded like Dawn, yet it resonated with a righteous dose of her own self-directed anger. Stop overanalyzing. Go with it. It’s the only way to change.
Lowering her fingers into the water yielded the pleasant surprise that the lake was even warmer than the night air. Alice craned her neck to survey the shore, half-expecting to find that other campers had discovered their hiding spot, but it appeared they were alone. Still, she hesitated. “Won’t we be cold after we get out?”
Lila beamed as though Alice had already jumped in headfirst. Before Alice could turn away, she pulled her T-shirt over her head and tossed it onto the dock. Left in what appeared to be a black satin bra, she seemed only mildly bashful as she stood up in the boat and began to unbutton her linen shorts. “I wasn’t planning to get my clothes wet.”
Alice opened her mouth, but no sound came out. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from Lila’s belly button or stop herself from imagining what it might be like to put her lips against it, or below it. She watched Lila’s hands ease the shorts down over her hips, drawing her attention lower, to black panties with a cut that perfectly emphasized the shapely bottom they concealed. Throwing her shorts onto the dock atop her shirt, Lila turned away from Alice, leaving her little choice but to admire the round butt that was suddenly right in front of her face.
Alice tried not to stare, but there was nowhere else to look. Desperate to speak as if to somehow prove that Lila hadn’t rendered her completely tongue-tied, she managed to say, “Yeah, I’m not sure I’m ready to take my clothes off in front of you yet. No matter how well I seem to be doing tonight.”
Lila looked down over her shoulder, smirking as Alice finally forced her eyes upward. “Like I said, that’s totally fine, and I understand.” Her gaze slid down Alice’s body, a brief assessment. “For the record, though, there’s no reason to be self-conscious. I think you’re very attractive, too, and nothing about seeing you in your bra and panties could possibly make me like you any less.” She cleared her throat and turned back to the lake. “I’m going in. Wish me luck.”
Alice started to do exactly that, but Lila launched herself over the side of the boat and into the water before she could utter a single syllable. Crawling over the center console, she scanned the dark water as she waited for Lila to surface. At first she worried that Lila would attempt the classic gag of frightening her by not coming up—which she would have hated—but instead, a dark head and shoulders popped up out of the water about five feet away, and Lila graced Alice with a clearly exhilarated grin.
“It feels amazing!” Lila lay back, arms spread, legs extended, and allowed her body to float on the surface. “So refreshing. We should definitely go swimming when it gets hot tomorrow afternoon. It’ll feel divine.”
Of course, they’d naturally have to share the lake with their fellow campers during the hottest part of the day. Alice had packed a modest, one-piece bathing suit—and oh, how she wished she’d thought to wear it under her clothes today—but in a crowd, that would feel even more revealing than her cotton bra and panties did now. If she wanted a semi-private swim at camp, she would probably have to do it at night. Maybe even tonight. Alice grabbed the hem of her T-shirt in both hands and took a deep breath as she contemplated pulling it over her head.
“Would you prefer I turn around?” There was a splash, and when Alice checked the source, she saw Lila bobb
ing in the water, facing away. “I promise not to look.”
Silently cursing Lila’s keen sense of observation, Alice closed her eyes and tried to decide what she wanted to do. Anxiety aside, fears forgotten, did she want to swim mostly naked with Lila? The answer was yes. Yes, of course she did. Of course. Because that was the kind of thing the woman she wished to be would do, and because this real-life fantasy might get even better if she mustered enough courage to be bold. Go with it, she reminded herself.
Feeling as though someone else was controlling her hands, she tugged her T-shirt over her head and launched it a little too carelessly toward Lila’s pile of discarded clothing. Unfortunately, it fell well short of its goal, sliding off the deck and into the water before she could react. “Shit!” Alice fished her shirt out of the lake, feeling both stupid and alarmed by the idea that she had nothing dry to wear back to their sleeping cabin. “Damn it.” She squeezed the excess water out of her shirt, then clumsily spread the sodden garment across the dock’s surface to let it dry as much as possible without the benefit of sunlight. “Stupid.”
“Hey, it’s okay.” Lila swam up to the boat, waving a hand to get Alice’s attention and snap her out of her angry self-recrimination. “You can borrow my shirt. I don’t mind, really.”
Alice blushed, then folded her arms over her chest when she remembered that she’d stripped down to her bra. “You don’t have to do that. It was my mistake.”
“I told you, I don’t mind. Swimming was my idea in the first place. And plus, that’s what friends do.” Lila pushed away from the boat to tread water. She smiled, carefully. “Still want to come in? Or are you afraid to risk your jeans?”
Alice managed to chuckle and then, seconds later, to lower her arms from their protective stance in front of her bra. “I’m still coming. Just a little less cavalierly, at least when it comes to casting off my inhibitions.”
Lila laughed, not unkindly. “Is it a fair guess you’ve never said that before?”
Camp Rewind Page 4
