Ribbons in Her Hair

by Colette McCormick

  ‘You’re early,’ I said, ‘your tea’s not on yet.’

  ‘It’s all right,’ he said walking straight through the kitchen to the stairs. ‘I’m not hungry.’

  That told me everything that I needed to know about how he was feeling because Mick was always hungry. Even after he’d just eaten a big meal he’d be hungry again within the hour. I’d never known him not be hungry but, more than that, I’d never known him finish work early.

  He’d not been back long when the lasses turned up mob-handed with their men.

  ‘Is she back?’ Julie asked before she was even through the door. She only had to look at our faces to see the answer. Helen, hot on her heels, asked the same question and reached the same conclusion.

  Julie gave a nod of her head which sent Chris and Robert off to the living room while she and Helen sat at the table with us.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Helen said. ‘What aren’t you telling us?’

  Julie couldn’t keep her mouth shut. ‘Susan’s pregnant.’

  ‘What? Whose is it?’ Helen looked at me first, then her dad and finally Julie who wasted no time in telling her who the father was.

  ‘Oh.’ The noise sort of popped out of Helen’s mouth. My eyes were cast down looking at the table but I could feel Helen looking at me. It was like her eyes were burning holes into the top of my head. After a few seconds I looked up at her.

  ‘But why would she run away?’ Helen asked. ‘Where is she?’

  ‘We don’t know,’ I said. ‘Your dad went out looking for her as soon as we found out she was missing but he couldn’t find her.’

  ‘Where did you look, Dad?’ she asked and I was glad that she’d turned her attention somewhere else. I saw a different side to Helen that night. She was demanding answers and that was something she had never done before. She had never been that sort of girl, not where her dad was concerned anyway.

  He shrugged his shoulders. ‘Just around really. I walked up the back for a bit and down towards the bus station, but there was no sign of her.’

  We all knew why he had gone where he said he had.

  ‘Was she there?’ Julie asked. ‘Has he seen her?’

  Mick pushed himself away from the table and stood up. He walked to the sink and poured himself a glass of water. We all watched him take a large gulp and put the glass down. ‘I saw Tim Preston with his hand inside Lisa Donnelly’s blouse,’ Mick said, and we could all hear the pain in his voice. He was probably imagining that low-life doing a similar thing to Susan and that wasn’t a picture any of us wanted in our heads.

  ‘Does he know?’ Helen asked me, almost under her breath.

  ‘No,’ I said, shaking my head. I was talking to her but I was looking at Mick. I didn’t like his colour and I hoped that he wasn’t going to have a heart attack.

  ‘He wasn’t acting like he knew,’ Mick said, as he leaned heavily against the sink and took a couple of deep breaths.

  I walked over to Mick and tried to look into his eyes. ‘You all right, love?’ I asked. He didn’t say whether he was or he wasn’t but he straightened himself up, turned around and faced the girls who were looking just as worried about him as I was.

  ‘She hasn’t been to his,’ I said. ‘She was on about telling him, but I don’t think she has because if she had we’d have had his mother round here by now.’

  They all knew that I was right. I was glad when Mick sat down again. I still didn’t like the way he looked and I was scared that he might fall down if he stayed on his feet. We sat around the table for a while and talked, though it felt more like an interrogation than a conversation. I didn’t know where all this sisterly concern had come from because Helen had barely looked at Susan when she lived at home. Now she was banging on about being concerned for her baby sister. It would have been funny if it hadn’t been so serious.

  They stayed for about an hour and then the four of them disappeared to the pub. Robert’s mum was babysitting so they were going to make the most of it. We didn’t bother much after the girls had gone. The tea that I had been going to cook wasn’t made so we had a sandwich and a cup of tea and went to bed early, though God knows why because it would be another sleepless night.

  ***

  A couple of nights after Susan had gone, Julie turned up again just after I’d washed up. She walked into the kitchen and Chris followed her, closing the door behind him. He tried to force a smile in my direction and I tried to force one back. We both failed miserably. He was a good lad Chris. I hadn’t been so sure about him when Julie first brought him home but he’d turned out all right.

  I could see that Julie had something in her hand. ‘Where’s Dad?’ she asked.

  Before I had a chance to say that he was in the living room he appeared at the doorway. He must have heard the sound of voices and come to see who was there. He couldn’t hide his disappointment when he realised that it wasn’t the daughter that he wanted to see.

  ‘Hello, love,’ he said, but his heart wasn’t really in it.

  ‘This came today,’ she said as she gave what she’d been holding to her dad.

  I could see now that it was an envelope, one of the small white ones, not the type that official stuff comes in but the type that you can get in any newsagent. I saw the little colour he had drain from his face as he looked at it. His hands were shaking as he slowly took the letter out of the envelope and read it. Once he had, he handed it to me. I immediately recognised Susan’s handwriting. I will never forget the words that were written on that piece of paper.

  Dear Julie, it said, I am so sorry that I left without saying goodbye. Thank you for everything but I can’t let them take my baby away so if that means leaving without telling anyone where I’m going, that’s what I’ve got to do. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. I have a plan and I know what I’m doing. Please tell them not to look for me because I don’t want to be found. Look after yourself Julie, and them too. There were three x’s at the end.

  When I’d read the letter twice more I looked up to see that Julie and Mick were both watching at me. Chris had disappeared and the three of us stood together in the kitchen just looking at each other.

  ***

  About a week after Susan had gone Julie was waiting for me on the doorstep when I got home with the groceries. She was talking to Ida Watson from over the road. They stopped talking as I got closer.

  ‘All right, Jean?’ Ida said. ‘I was just saying to your Julie that I haven’t seen Susan for a bit. Is she okay? Not poorly is she?’

  I hoped that the horror that I was feeling didn’t show in my face.

  ‘No,’ I said, ‘not poorly. She’s just gone away for a bit.’

  ‘On holiday?’

  The words were out of my mouth before I knew it. ‘Not a holiday, as such,’ I said. ‘Mick has an aunt in Scarborough and Susan’s gone to stay with her for a bit. She hasn’t been well, so Susan’s gone to look after her.’

  I could see Ida’s mind ticking over as she thought about what I had just told her. ‘But wasn’t she doing her exams soon?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said, ‘but you know how it is, Ida; she can always take them another time. Family comes first.’

  ‘That’s very good of her,’ Ida said as she started to walk away. ‘Tell her I said hello next time you talk to her. Nice talking to you, Julie.’

  I was kidding myself if I thought that Ida had believed me. It’d take her no time at all to work out the truth because she’d used the same excuse herself. Her middle daughter had once gone to ‘look after her grandma’ for the best part of a year. If Ida knew, it wouldn’t be long before the whole street knew. And it wasn’t; it took just a couple of days.

  I knew that they knew and they knew that I knew that they knew, if you know what I mean. Nobody mentioned it directly but we all knew what was gong on. It was like a game that we all played. It wasn’t the first time that we had played it and I was sure that it wouldn’t be the last.

  Except it was a slightly differe
nt game we were playing this time, because Susan wasn’t hiding away at a relative’s house until her baby was born; we had no idea where she was.

  ***

  I had an aunt who used to say that when you were going through a hard time you just had to breath through it until it passed so that’s what I did. The trouble was that it didn’t seem to be passing. Me and Mick were barely talking; I knew he blamed me for what had happened and, to be honest, I could see why he would. None of this would be Susan’s fault. Nothing was ever Susan’s fault.

  Helen was too wrapped up in her own life to pay too much attention to what was happening in ours. So much for her concern for her baby sister. She wanted to distance herself from our embarrassment I suppose. She had Robert’s mother to consider. Robert’s mother hadn’t been that keen on us as a family to start with; she’d always thought Helen wasn’t good enough for her precious son and this would be all the proof that she would need. What a mess.

  Julie at least did show some concern. ‘Have you called the police?’ she asked one day when she had popped in on her way home from work. We hadn’t. ‘Do you not think that you should?’

  ‘Your dad won’t hear of it,’ I said.

  ‘What? Why? I’d have thought he’d want them out day and night looking for her.’

  I’d thought the same myself but Mick had been adamant. ‘What’s the point?’ he’d said. ‘We know why she’s run away and she’s written us a note saying that she doesn’t want to be found. They won’t be able to force her to come home so I can’t see them breaking their necks to find her.’

  I told Julie what her dad had said.

  ‘He’s got a point I suppose,’ Julie said, and I agreed with her. But I hadn’t really understood Mick’s reaction and I think she probably felt the same.

  ‘She’ll be all right you know, Mum,’ Julie said, with more compassion than I’d ever heard in her voice before.

  In my heart I agreed with her. Susan would be all right because, for a stupid girl, she was sensible. She was certainly the most sensible daughter I had.

  ***

  I kept breathing and time kept passing. Days became weeks and then gradually turned into months.

  We didn’t hear from Susan or at least me and her dad didn’t. Julie said she hadn’t, but who knew? If Susan had asked Julie not to tell us she wouldn’t. I hoped that the girls were in contact with each other. Like I think I told you, they had become close recently and Julie was taking Susan’s disappearance very badly.

  ‘Shouldn’t we at least look for her,’ she said one Sunday when she and Chris came round for their dinner.

  We’d been eating in silence all the way through the roast beef and Yorkshire puddings and Julie brought the subject up while I was dishing up rhubarb crumble. I kept my head down and carried on putting food on plates.

  ‘I mean,’ Julie pressed the point when nobody answered her, ‘Susan’s been gone for months.’

  I couldn’t hide by the cooker all day so I slowly carried the four bowls of steaming crumble and custard to the table and put them down. Chris dealt with what was going on like he did most things involving the Susan situation; he let us get on with it. He picked his spoon up and started tucking in. Mick picked his up too but just stirred his food, while Julie held her spoon like a weapon.

  ‘She said she doesn’t want to be found,’ Mick said, as he carried on stirring.

  I could see a rage building behind Julie’s eyes. She was frustrated and when she was frustrated she got angry. I knew that and so did Chris. I saw him give her a sideways glance but he must have decided she was okay because he carried on eating and his wife carried on staring at her father.

  ‘She might have changed her mind.’ Julie said.

  ‘Then she can come home.’ Mick finally started to eat his food.

  ‘How?’ Julie asked flinging her spoon onto the table in her temper.

  ‘Same way she left.’ Mick’s voice was flat, emotionless.

  ‘She won’t,’ Julie pushed the chair away from the table. ‘She won’t and you know it. And do you know why?’ She had grabbed her coat from the back of the chair and started putting it on. ‘She won’t because she’s ashamed.’ She was fastening her coat up all wrong but she didn’t care, she was in full flow. ‘She’s ashamed that you’re ashamed of her. Because I’m willing to bet that’s what you told her, wasn’t it?’

  She directed the question at me. I didn’t deny it.

  ‘Well she has,’ I said.

  ‘What? We’re not living in the Dark Ages, Mam,’ she said. ‘She hasn’t brought shame on us, but you have. You’ve brought shame on us by forcing her to run away. Don’t you get her? Susan is clever…’

  ‘She wasn’t very clever when she got pregnant.’

  Julie stared at me defiantly. ‘She’s not the first … Is she?’ She took a deep breath, gave Chris the nod and waited for him to get his own coat. ‘As I was saying, Susan is clever and she is kind. She didn’t want to be pregnant, but she was and she was willing to face up to her responsibilities. She wouldn’t have wanted you to make it go away; she would have wanted you to help her.’

  ‘Help her? What do you think we were trying to do?’ My own temper was starting to rise now.

  ‘You wanted her to give her baby away.’ Chris had his coat on by that point and was by the door. Julie was beside him. ‘She couldn’t even give her dolls away, Mam, so how the hell did you expect her to give her baby up?’

  And then they were gone.

  ‘She’s right, you know,’ Mick had given up all pretence of eating the crumble and had pushed the bowl away. ‘Susan would never have given her baby away.’

  I looked down at my own, untouched food.

  ‘You left her with no choice.’

  I tried to open my mouth to defend myself but I didn’t get the chance.

  ‘You forced her away, Jean. You forced her to do what she did. You didn’t tell her that she didn’t have to give her baby away and she felt like she had no choice but to leave.’

  His voice had been low and flat before but it grew louder and angrier. I wanted to tell him to keep his voice down because the whole street would be able to hear him but I didn’t get the chance before he was at me again.

  ‘Why the hell did I ever let you talk me in to ringing Sally? Why didn’t we just hold her and tell her that everything was going to be all right? Why didn’t you tell her that she didn’t have to give the baby up if she didn’t want to?’ Then, just as Julie had before him, he scraped his chair back from the table and stood up. Though Julie certainly had his temper, hers was just a baby version. I was about to be on the end of Mick’s full fury.

  ‘But do you know the question I ask the most Jean?’ he was taking deep breaths and I couldn’t bear to look at the rage on his face. ‘Do you? Do you?’

  I shook my head as I sat trembling in the chair.

  ‘I ask myself why the hell I ever married you,’ he yelled.

  ‘Because you got me pregnant,’ I yelled back. That stopped him in his tracks.

  ‘So that you didn’t have to give your baby way.’

  ‘And is that what you want for Susan?’ I tried to control my voice. ‘Things were different then.’

  ‘And they could have been different for her.’ His voice was calmer too but it didn’t scare me any less. He moved to the living room door and stood there with his back to me. ‘I saw her you know,’ he said.

  ‘Saw her? What do you mean you saw her? When did you see her?’

  ‘The night she ran away. I saw her the night she ran away.’

  I got up from my chair, grabbed hold of his arm and forced him to look at me. ‘What do you mean? Where did you see her? Why didn’t you bring her back?’

  ‘Bring her back?’ There were tears rolling down Mick’s cheeks, something I had never seen before. He looked down at me. ‘Why would I bring her back here’ he said slowly, ‘to you?’ As he shook his head the tears fell off the end of his chin. ‘I didn’t bring her b
ack; I didn’t even speak to her. I just gave her my blessing and walked away.’

  Then he walked away from me too.

  I sat for a long time in the kitchen thinking about what Mick had said. I knew he was telling the truth when he said that he’d seen Susan. It explained everything, why he was so vague about where he had been when he went to look for her, why he didn’t want to go to the police. I’d known that there was something he wasn’t telling me and now I knew what it was. He’d as much as said that Susan would be better off without me. He’d let his Susan disappear just so that she could get away from me. What did he think I was? A monster? I wasn’t a monster. I loved Susan, in my own way. I know some might find that hard to believe, but it’s true. She was my baby as much as his.

  But she was gone now. Like me and her dad, Susan was lying in the bed that she had made and I hoped that she was happy with it.

  ***

  We found a way to live with each other. If he’d been honest about it – which he wasn’t – Mick was just as bothered about keeping up appearances as I was. There had never been a divorce in either of our families and we weren’t going to be the first, so we had to make the best of it. It wasn’t easy at first – well, not later on either – but we found a way.

  Julie was a bit harder to deal with but it wasn’t long before she had something else to worry about. She was pregnant. At last, she was having a baby herself.

  We were all happy for her, of course, but that night – the night she told us – I’m willing to bet that I wasn’t the only one who was thinking about Susan, wondering where she was and how she was doing. How far along would she have been by then? Six months, seven maybe?

  When I was out and about, the odd person would ask about Susan; you know, was she still in Scarborough, when was she coming home, that sort of thing.

  ‘Oh she’s fine, thank you,’ I used to say. ‘Loves it. In fact, she’s talking about moving there.’

  Well, if she wasn’t coming back I had to tell them something.

  I had ticked the weeks off in my head and I knew that Susan, wherever she was, would be coming close to her time. I wasn’t sure exactly when she was due but when she’d been gone for eight months I knew that her time had passed. She would have her baby by now.