Falling For Dr. Dimitriou

by Anne Fraser

  ‘I was in my second year when I met Ben. I’d been roped in to swim for the school team in the swimming gala—it was the one sport I seemed naturally good at—and he was there. He was a couple of years older than me, as confident as I was shy, as good-looking as I was geeky—but for some reason he seemed to like me.

  ‘We were friends at first. We spent our break times together, usually in the library or just walking around, talking about history and politics—even then he knew he wanted to be a lawyer—stuff that no one else was interested in discussing but that we both loved to debate.

  ‘Being Ben’s friend changed everything. I wasn’t lonely any more. I now realised there were people just like me who didn’t care about clothes and the latest hairstyle. Then when I was in fourth year and he was in sixth year—he already had a place to read law—everything changed and we became boyfriend and girlfriend. He’d come around to my house. By that time Mum and Dad had bought a small restaurant and were working all hours to get it established, but then Dad died suddenly. Mum, as you can imagine, was devastated and so was I. I clung to Ben and eventually the inevitable happened. We slept together.

  ‘It didn’t seem wrong—quite the opposite. It seemed a natural progression. We’d talked often about how, when he was a lawyer—famous and defending the poor and downtrodden, of course—and I was a doctor, the very best, of course...’ she risked a smile in Alexander’s direction, and was reassured to find he was looking at her with the same intent expression he always had when they talked ‘...saving lives and discovering new treatments and cures, we’d marry and have a family. But then I fell pregnant. Stupid, I know. We did use contraception but with the optimism and ignorance of youth we weren’t as careful as we should have been.

  ‘By that time, he was about to leave to start his law degree and I had just sat my A-levels. I expected, rightly as it turned out, to get all As and I was confident I would get a place in medical school.

  ‘To say we were both shellshocked would be an understatement. We talked about getting married, but we couldn’t see how. My parents’ restaurant was struggling without Dad and barely making enough for Mum to live on, and she’d been recently diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Ben’s parents weren’t much better off. There didn’t seem any way to have the baby.’

  ‘What about Ben? Didn’t he have a say?’

  ‘Terminating the pregnancy was Ben’s preferred option.’ She looked over to where Crystal and Poppy were splashing each other and her heart stuttered. Thank God she’d never seriously considered it. ‘He said he couldn’t see a way of supporting me or our baby—he still desperately wanted to be a lawyer—and one night he told me that if I continued with the pregnancy he couldn’t be part of either of our lives.

  ‘We broke up. With the pregnancy something had changed between us. It was as if all that had gone on before had just been us play-acting at being a couple. Maybe if we were older... Whatever, I couldn’t blame him. I didn’t want to marry him, I knew that then—just as I knew I wasn’t ready to be a mother. But neither could I bear to terminate the pregnancy. Oh, I thought about it. I even went as far as making an appointment with the hospital, but when it came down to it I just couldn’t go through with it. I knew then I had to tell my mother. It was the most difficult conversation I’ve ever had in my life. I could see her imagining her and Dad’s dreams of a better life for me going down the plughole. She lost it and broke down.

  ‘When she’d pulled herself together she said that she would look after the child. It would mean my delaying going to university for a year but we’d manage. Just as we always had. But she was ill—some days I had to help her get dressed—and even then I knew what a diagnosis of MS meant. I knew she couldn’t help take care of a child—not when she would need more and more care herself. I was in a bad way, Alexander. I felt so alone.’ She took a shuddering breath.

  ‘I told her that I had decided to have the baby but that I was going to give it up for adoption. I’d done my research, you see. I knew that you could arrange an open adoption. I would get to pick the parents—ones already pre-selected by the adoption agency. My child would always know they were adopted, and although I could never see him or her, I could write care of the adoptive parents and in return they would send me updates. If I couldn’t keep the baby myself, it seemed the only—the best—solution.

  ‘My mother tried to argue me out of it—she couldn’t imagine how any child of hers could even consider giving their child away, and I think she believed I would change my mind.

  ‘But she was wrong. I refused to imagine it as a baby. Instead, I pored over the biographies of the would-be adoptive parents. The adoption agency did a thorough job. There were photographs, bits of information about their extended families, letters from them. It was heart-breaking, reading their stories. I could almost hear their desperation. They had to advertise themselves to me—they had to make me want to pick them.

  ‘When I read about these couples I knew I was doing the right thing. At least I managed to convince myself that I was. Far better for the child I was carrying to have a home with a couple who would be able to give them the love and attention I couldn’t. In the end I picked out one family. They weren’t particularly well off—I wasn’t so naïve that I thought money was all that important—but they were financially secure. Enough to give my child everything he or she could ever need.

  ‘But more than that, it was them as people who made them shine. They seemed kind, loving and so desperate to have afamily to shower love on. They’d been trying for a baby for several years and were getting close to the age where they’d no longer be able to put themselves forward for adoption. This was, I knew, their final chance of having a child. They also said that they hoped, in time, to adopt an older child, a brother or sister for this one. I liked that. I didn’t want my child to grow up, like I did, as an only child. I wanted him or her to have a sibling who would always be there for them. So I picked them. I could have picked any of a dozen couples but I picked them.

  ‘I know you probably can’t imagine how anyone could do what I did. But I thought, I really believed I was doing the best thing for her. I insisted on an open adoption—I wouldn’t have chosen Mike and Liz if they hadn’t agreed to that—because although I couldn’t keep Poppy myself I wanted to know that wherever she was in the world she was all right.

  ‘But Mum was right. I hadn’t accounted for how I would feel as my pregnancy continued. I began to feel protective of this child growing inside me. I didn’t know what to do. I had already committed to giving her up and I knew her prospective parents were longing to welcome her into her family. But even then I thought about changing my mind—even though I knew the grief it would cause them and even though I knew I was too young to bring up a child. I began to persuade myself that with Mum’s help we would manage.’

  She paused and looked out to sea. ‘But then Mum’s multiple sclerosis returned with a vengeance. She had to have a wheelchair and she couldn’t do even the basics for herself. I wondered if the stress of my pregnancy had made her worse. I felt as if it was all my fault. I didn’t know what to do. So in the end I kept to my original decision and gave her up.

  ‘The day I gave birth to her was one of the worst in my life. The labour was easy compared to what came next. They allowed me a few hours alone with her to say my goodbyes. I hadn’t realised how difficult it would be. Here was this tiny thing in my arms, looking up at me as if I was the only thing in her world. I felt such an overwhelming love for her it shook me to the core. But how could I go back on my decision then? I was only seventeen. I thought it was unfair to everyone if I did. So I let them take her from me.’

  It was only when he leaned across and wiped the tears from her face with the pad of his thumb that she realised she was crying. He waited without saying anything until she’d regained control again.

  ‘I wrote to Liz often and she wrote back, telli
ng me about Poppy’s progress and sending photos. I knew when her baby teeth fell out, I knew when she got chickenpox, I saw her in her school uniform on her first day at school. I had more regrets then—seeing the photos of her, watching her grow up, albeit from a distance, made her real in a way she hadn’t been before. Of course, by then it was too late to get her back. Mike and Liz were her parents and there was no doubt they loved her and that she loved them.’

  He said nothing, just waited until she was ready to continue.

  ‘I sailed through my final year at school and all my exams at medical school. But I worked for it. I hardly went out, hardly joined any clubs or societies, just worked. It all had to be for something, you see? If I’d failed I don’t think I could have lived with myself. Mum never spoke of it. It was as if we pretended it hadn’t happened. But sometimes I’d see Mum looking at me with such sadness it ripped me in two. I caught her once. About six months after I’d had Poppy. She was in the small bedroom at the front, the one that we kept for visitors. She was kneeling on the floor with a pile of baby clothes in front of her. She was smoothing out each item with her palms, murmuring to herself, before she placed it in a little box. Tears were running down her face. I doubt she even knew she was crying. You see the adoption only became final after six months. I could have changed my mind up until then and, believe me, sometimes I thought I might. But when I thought of the couple who had Poppy, how happy they’d been, I knew I had done the right thing. But I know now that Mum always hoped I would change my mind.

  ‘She didn’t see me so I tiptoed away. What was the point in saying anything? Even if I’d wanted to it was too late to change my mind. I had to keep believing I’d done the right thing.

  ‘We never spoke about it. Not once.’

  She drew in a shuddering breath. ‘By all accounts, she was a happy child. She grew up knowing that she was adopted—that was part of the deal—and I guess it was just something she accepted.

  ‘So many times I wished I could have been there to hold her when she was sick, to hear her laughter, just see her.’ She swallowed the lump that had come to her throat. ‘But I knew I had given away all my rights. I was just pleased to be allowed into her life—if only in small slices.’

  ‘And have you told her this?’

  ‘I’ve tried. But every time I raise the topic, she gets up and walks away.’

  ‘Yet she came to find you.’

  ‘I’m not sure she came to find me for the right reasons. When Poppy turned sixteen, Liz said that she would no longer give her my letters unless she asked. She also said that she wouldn’t pass on news of Poppy. She thought, at sixteen, Poppy had the right to decide what place, if any, I had in her life. I heard nothing after that. It seemed Poppy had made her decision and I couldn’t blame her. I hoped when she was older that she might seek me out.’ She laughed shortly. ‘I just never imagined it would be now.’

  ‘What made her come to find you?’

  ‘I think it was the new baby. Liz and Mike didn’t think they could have children—that’s why they decided to adopt. I know they intended to adopt another child, but they never did. About eighteen months ago, Liz fell pregnant—as you know, it can happen long after a couple has given up hope. The child is eight months now. I suspect Poppy’s nose has been put out of joint. A baby can be demanding and she’s bound to feel a little pushed out. Liz also said she’s been bunking off school and her grades have taken a turn for the worse. If she carries on like this then there will be no chance of her getting accepted at university.’

  ‘And that’s important to you and to Liz?’

  ‘Yes. Of course. Wouldn’t you want the same for Crystal?’

  ‘I want Crystal to be happy. I found out the hard way that success at work isn’t the same as having success in life. Nothing is more important than being with your family. Nothing is more important than their happiness. At least to me.’

  She felt stung. Somehow she’d hoped that she could make him understand, but it appeared she’d been mistaken. She bent over and undid her sandals. ‘I’ve told you everything. Now I’m going to join the children in the water.’

  * * *

  Alexander watched her tiptoe gingerly into the sea. Her legs had browned in the sun and appeared to go on for ever in the tiny shorts she was wearing. He cursed himself inwardly. She was right. Who was he to judge her? It wasn’t as if he had nothing to regret. But he’d wanted her to be perfect—which was rich, given that he was anything but. He still loved her but he needed time to get used to this different version of the Katherine he’d thought he’d known.

  ‘Baba!’ Crystal called from the water. ‘Come in!’ He rolled up the bottoms of his jeans, pulled his T-shirt over his head and went to join them.

  * * *

  It was, Katherine had to admit, despite the tension between her and Poppy and her and Alexander, a happy day—one of the happiest of her life. Despite everything how couldn’t it be when she was spending it with the people she loved most? They swam and ate, then swam some more. As the afternoon became cooler, Alexander bought some fish from a boat he swam out to and they built a small fire over which they roasted the fish.

  By the time they drove home, Crystal and Poppy were flushed with tiredness and happiness. Poppy had even come to sit next to Katherine when Alexander had taken Crystal away to dry her off and help her change back into her clothes.

  ‘It’s cool here,’ Poppy said. ‘I think I’d like to stay until you go back. If that’s all right with you?’

  ‘Of course,’ Katherine said, delighted. ‘Until I go back at the end of the month, at any rate. Will you let your mother know?’

  ‘Sure,’ Poppy said, and leaned back, hooking her arms behind her head. ‘I kind of miss them. Even the crazy baby.’

  ‘They miss you too.’ She didn’t want to say anything else, frightened of spoiling the fragile truce that had sprung up between them. There would be time to talk in the days to come. At the very least she owed it to Poppy to keep trying to explain why she’d given her up. Maybe Alexander was right. She shouldn’t force it. Just tell Poppy she was happy to talk about it and leave it to her to bring it up when she was ready.

  Back home, Alexander parked the car in the square and lifted Crystal into his arms. ‘Perhaps we could do this again?’ he said.

  She looked at him. ‘Maybe. I’m not sure.’ She still felt hurt. They had been friends before they’d become lovers. Didn’t that count for anything?

  He nodded and, holding his daughter in his arms, turned towards his house. Back home, Poppy also excused herself, saying she had her sleep to catch up on. Katherine suspected that she wanted to phone Liz in privacy and she was glad.

  She poured herself a glass of wine and took it out onto the balcony. She’d told Alexander everything. At least now there were no more secrets between them.

  * * *

  She didn’t see much of Alexander over the next few days, although Crystal and Poppy continued to visit each other’s houses.

  Katherine went to call Poppy for supper one day to find her up to her elbows in flour. ‘I just want to finish these baklavas,’ she said.

  Alexander’s grandmother looked at Katherine, shook her head and said something to Crystal in Greek. For one mortifying moment Katherine wondered if she was being told not to visit again, but to her surprise Crystal told her that her grandmother wanted her to come and sit with her outside on the bench by the front door.

  Bemused, Katherine did as she asked.

  They sat on the bench and Alexander’s grandmother reached out and patted her hand. As people passed she kept her hand on Katherine’s. Every time one of the villagers passed, her grip would tighten and she’d smile, while calling out a greeting. Many stopped and said a few words to Grandmother and greeted Katherine too, with a ‘Hello’ and ‘How are you?’

  So that was
what the old lady was up to. Whatever she thought of Katherine’s decision to give her child up for adoption, she was, in her own quiet way, telling the other villagers that she supported her. Tears burned behind Katherine’s eyes. It was an unexpected, touching gesture from Grandmother and she wondered whether Alexander was behind it.

  Speaking of which, he was coming across the square towards them. Katherine’s heart leaped. Frightened he would see the desolation in her eyes, she lowered her lids until she was sure she could look at him calmly.

  ‘Oh, hello.’ He bent and kissed his grandmother on her cheek. He said something to her in Greek and she laughed. The old lady got to her feet and retreated back inside, leaving her space on the bench for Alexander.

  ‘I think she had an ulterior motive for sitting with me here,’ Katherine murmured. ‘I suspect she’s telling the village to stop shunning me. Did you have anything to do with it?’

  ‘No one tells Grandmother what to do, least of all me,’ he said evasively. ‘But I need to tell you, I’ve forgiven you for giving up Poppy. I’m sure you did what you had to and for the best possible motives.’

  Katherine leaped to her feet. ‘Forgiven me? Forgiven me! How dare you? I wanted your understanding, not your forgiveness. You’re right about one thing. I should have told you earlier. That was wrong of me. But if you think I need forgiveness for giving birth to her then you are badly mistaken. And as for giving her away, you make it sound like tossing out so much rubbish. That’s not the way I felt. I gave her to two loving, stable parents and it ripped me apart. You just need to spend time with her to know she’s a young woman any parent would be proud of.’

  Tears burned behind her eyes. She didn’t even care that her outburst had garnered a bit of an audience. ‘As far as I’m concerned,’ she hissed, ‘if I never see you again it will be too soon.’ She whirled around to find Poppy standing behind her. Her daughter grinned. ‘Way to go, Katherine. Way to go!’