Captivation

by Nicola Moriarty

  ‘Danny!’ she cried out. ‘She’s gone. It’s okay, honey, you can come back to me. I won’t let anything hurt you again.’

  Words entered her mind, stronger and clearer once more.

  Thank you, Juliette. You’ve saved me again.

  She felt his touch then, lightly at first, fingertips tracing their way down her skin.

  ‘I can’t see you, though?’ Juliette whispered.

  You will again. We’ll build our connection back up. Don’t worry.

  ‘Danny,’ said Juliette. ‘I’m going to find a way to bring us together forever, to make sure this never happens again. We can’t risk another intrusion like that. I’ll think of something, I promise you. I love you.’

  I love you too, always.

  The following day, when Juliette left her bedroom and walked out into the hall, something on the floor caught her eye. It was a note that had been slipped under the door. She walked over to it cautiously, nervous of another intrusion from the outside world. Picking it up, she recognised her mother’s handwriting immediately and a flicker of anger seared in her stomach.

  She read the words, despite herself.

  Dear Juliette,

  I’m going to figure out how to help you. I’ll give you some space first, but only for today, just for now, to let you calm down, let you think things through. If you open the door, you’ll find a gift out in the hall. It’s baking supplies. I know how baking always helps you to clear your mind. Please just try it, you’re so thin, darling, you’re skin and bones – eat something, please. I’ll return again tomorrow. And remember, I won’t give up on you.

  Love,

  Mum

  x

  Juliette stood still, considering the letter. The final words worried her the most. Her mother was going to return again tomorrow. That meant she had to find a solution, a way to keep her and Danny safe forever, by the end of the day. Her first thoughts were that they needed to run away together – but Danny couldn’t leave the apartment. What could they possibly do, how could they disappear forever, how could they hide from the rest of the world?

  There was some truth to her mother’s note – baking did usually help clear her mind. Perhaps she should open the door and take in the supplies. She needed a plan – a way to ensure that they could continue with their way of life. A way to satisfy the hunger to stay with Danny. It was just the logistics of the matter, she told herself firmly. The outcome was simple – she needed to be with him, and she needed to keep him away from the harmful influence of the outside world. But the logistics – that was what she needed to figure out. Hopefully, if she baked, it would clear her mind like it always had. She would be able to form some coherent thoughts. Perhaps she would come up with the answer.

  But what if it was a trick? What if her mother was out in the hall, waiting to pounce on her? Waiting to drag her away from this place, to banish poor Danny forever.

  It’s okay, Juliette, there’s no one out there.

  Danny’s voice had entered her thoughts seamlessly, as always. She hesitated.

  ‘Are you absolutely sure?’ she asked.

  I’m certain. If she was there, I’d be able to sense her.

  Juliette nodded. Carefully, slowly, she unlocked the door and twisted the handle. Even with Danny’s reassurance, she was still guarded as she pulled the door open. She opened it just wide enough to see the basket on the floor, filled with fresh eggs, milk, flour, blocks of rich, dark chocolate, raspberries, cream, butter – everything she would need to create something beautiful and decadent.

  Moving quickly now, she knelt down and grabbed hold of the handle of the basket, lifted it inside and slammed the door shut behind her. She looked down at all of the enticing, fresh ingredients. It was time to make a plan.

  Chapter Thirteen

  When Juliette reached the kitchen, she paused for a moment. She hadn’t cooked in what seemed like such a long time. For a few seconds, she felt unsure of herself – what if this didn’t work, what if she had forgotten how? What if those normal instincts didn’t come back to her? But as she placed the basket down on the bench, her hands began to pull the ingredients out and line them up without thinking. Even if her mind felt unsure, her body knew what to do.

  Minutes later, she had begun. She cooked fast, covering the island bench with ingredients, allowing the air to fill with puffs of flour and cocoa dust. She didn’t measure and she didn’t think ahead. She just let herself feel her way. She mixed raspberries and cream. She stirred hot, salted caramel, she kneaded dough and she spun sugar. As she worked, her thoughts were allowed to wander – while her body moved swiftly, her mind slowed right down. In front of her, piece by piece, a pathway was forming – a pathway to Danny. A pathway to the perfect, permanent solution to their problems. All she had to do was follow the steps.

  When she was done, she had created a feast.

  A feast that she had no intention of ever eating.

  And, more importantly, she had created a plan.

  Juliette flicked on her stereo and then scrolled through the songs on the iPod that was connected to it. She settled on the sultry drum and bas stones of her favourite Sneaker Pimps album. It was late at night, and the results of her crazed baking session from earlier were spread across her kitchen bench top. Cakes, slices, muffins. She didn’t feel hungry, though, and looking at all of that food didn’t make her want to eat it. She felt disconnected from the normal necessities of life. She wanted to dance, and she wanted to feel Danny dancing with her.

  Juliette, what’s going on in that mind of yours?

  ‘Dance with me, Danny.’

  No, really, I can tell you’ve got something on your mind. I can see the glint in your eye. What is it? What do you have planned?

  ‘Wrap your arms around me. Dance with me.’

  She felt Danny’s presence appear beside her. Felt his arms around her, and their bodies began to sway in time to the music.

  Are you okay with everything, Juliette? Okay with what happened with your mother?

  ‘Danny, stop worrying. Of course I’m alright. I’m with you – that’s all that matters.’

  And you understand that I didn’t mean for any of that to happen – I didn’t mean to push you away from your family. It was just the only way for me to stay.

  ‘Yes, Danny, I understand. Besides, soon it won’t matter anymore. I’ve found a way to fix it.’

  I knew it, I knew you had something hidden in that head of yours. What is it? What do you have planned?

  ‘I worked it out while I was cooking. I’ve finally found the solution. But let’s talk about it later. For now, let’s just dance.’

  They moved their way slowly into the bedroom, still swaying, Juliette’s hips twisting back and forth, Danny’s touch all over her skin. By the bed, Juliette continued to dance as she peeled off her clothes. Once she was undressed, she reached out her hands and Danny’s touch returned.

  ‘Come with me,’ she said, ‘Come outside onto the balcony. Let’s dance together under the moonlight.’

  You’re naked.

  ‘I don’t care. No one will see me. It’s just us, Danny. You and I, we’re the only ones who exist. The world is ours.’

  The curtains were drawn tightly shut, and Juliette moved around the bed towards them. She curled her fingers around the fabric and then gently tugged them to the side, allowing the moonlight to spill into the room. She parted the curtains the rest of the way, then opened the door, allowing the night air inside. She began to sway again, thrilled that she was dancing in front of her balcony, completely naked. The more she twisted her body to the music, the more she enjoyed herself, and she closed her eyes, getting lost in the song. Her hands gripped the drapes as she writhed to the music. Danny must have succumbed to her seductions again, because moments later she felt his hands grasp her waist. She opened her eyes and smiled.

  Together, they stepped out onto the balcony and continued to dance, with Danny’s arms pulled tight around her, caressing h
er, gently squeezing her breasts, stroking her skin from her stomach right down to her thighs, and Juliette relaxed into his hold. As he held her, Juliette turned her head and almost squealed with delight at what she saw.

  ‘Danny!’ she exclaimed. ‘You’re taking shape again, I’m starting to see you.’

  I told you we’d make our way back.

  There was a pause and he added, There’s someone watching us, though.

  ‘Where?’

  Straight across the courtyard. There’s a man out on his balcony.

  Juliette looked across at him, but to her, he was just a blur in the distance.

  ‘Does it turn you on,’ she asked, ‘knowing that another man is watching us? That he can see me completely naked?’

  A little.

  Juliette smirked and then crept her fingers down and began to touch herself. ‘It doesn’t matter, anyway,’ she whispered. ‘He’s not real. He’s not part of our world. Take me to bed.’

  Before she allowed Danny to guide her back inside, into the bedroom and onto the bed, Juliette took one last look straight across the courtyard at the man who was watching them. For just one second, his form sharpened and he came properly into view. Their eyes met and Juliette felt a strange flutter, deep inside her stomach, a flutter of familiarity – she knew that man. She just didn’t know how. But by then she was being drawn further in and she was falling onto the bed, and the neighbour from that far-off balcony was instantly forgotten as Danny prepared to bring them closer together once again.

  Afterwards, Juliette didn’t sleep. She lay still in the darkness, breathing in Danny’s presence and thinking about her plan. In the end, really, it seemed so obvious that she wasn’t sure why she hadn’t thought of it sooner. It was clear that it was the only solution, and while she suspected that Danny might not love the idea straightaway, she was confident that she could win him over – and if not, she would just follow through on her own. She doubted that, even with their strong connection, he would have the power to stop her. Once she put her mind to something, it was extremely difficult for her opinion to be swayed.

  What are you thinking about?

  ‘You don’t know?’

  No. Your thoughts seem sort of … guarded. Is there something that you’re hiding from me?

  ‘Not intentionally.’

  Is everything alright?

  ‘Everything is perfect.’

  Juliette must have fallen asleep eventually, because when she opened her eyes, the room had a certain stillness about it, and the feeling that you only got in the very dead of the night. She guessed it was three or maybe fouram.

  She sat up in the bed and smiled to herself. In her dreams, she had found the final piece of the puzzle. Earlier, she had known what she needed to do. The only part she hadn’t known was how. But now, she knew. It was time to follow through.

  What’s going on in that mind of yours?

  ‘Why do you ask?’

  Because I can see that there’s something. I can tell. I just can’t catch what it is.

  ‘We’ll talk about it later,’ she said.

  Juliette, are you sure? If there’s something on your mind, something worrying you, I want to share it with you. I want to help.

  ‘Later,’ she intoned again. ‘We’ll talk about it later. For now, do you think you could give me some privacy? Just for a few moments,’ she added hurriedly.

  Of course, he responded. I’ll wait out in the lounge room for you. Juliette waited as he left.

  After he was gone, she reached across to her bedside drawer and searched through the contents until she found what she was looking for. A photo of her parents. She pulled it out and gazed at their figures. She was still angry with her mother for what had almost happened – but nevertheless, she would miss them, and she was a little sorry that it had to come to this. She kissed the photograph goodbye through the cool glass of the frame, touching each of their faces gently with her fingertips. She placed the photo back and closed the drawer shut tight.

  Then she stood and opened the doors to her wardrobe. Inside, she slid the hangers aside until she found what she was looking for. A light summer dress, one that Danny had given her for Christmas, their last together before he died. It had a palepink and yellow floral print and she still remembered when she had opened the wrapping and first seen it. She’d loved it instantly – something in the colours, the feel of the fabric, everything about it, had reminded her of France and of home, and also of her new life here in Coogee Beach, all at once.

  She changed into the dress, gently pushing her arms through the sleeves and zipping it up at the side. Then she walked out to the lounge room to find Danny.

  ‘I’m ready,’ she said, smiling at the sight of Danny’s form, which was growing stronger by the minute.

  Ready to talk?

  ‘Yes. Follow me.’

  You look beautiful. I always loved you in that dress.

  She turned and moved carefully out onto the balcony. The stars were beginning to fade, the sun would be rising over the ocean soon. She allowed a tear to slip down her cheek, and then she was ready.

  Juliette pulled one of their deck chairs over to the railing. She stepped onto the chair and then stood still for a moment.

  Juliette, what are you doing?

  ‘Danny, I’ve made my decision. I’m coming to be with you.’

  What do you mean, what are you talking about?

  ‘I’m going to jump, Danny. I’m going to kill myself.’

  Chapter Fourteen

  Juliette stood on the chair, looking out towards the moonlit ocean. She leaned forwards, ready to pull herself up, but Danny’s voice jumped into her mind yet again, making her pause to listen.

  Juliette, hold on. Just wait a second, let me process this … we need to be sure, we need to be certain that this really is the only way.

  ‘It doesn’t matter, Danny. It’s what I want. Please don’t try and stop me. This really is the only way.’

  But … but there has to be something else we can do. Can’t we just keep on as we are? Isn’t this working already? You said you were happy here, staying inside always, just the two of us.

  ‘I have been, I’ve been so very happy. But there are too many dangers, too many factors working against us. My family won’t give up. If they have to, they’ll break down the door and drag me out of here. And then what will happen to you? You’ll vanish, I know that you will, and then I’ll never get to touch you again, never get to see you.’

  I never thought that all of this was leading up to … to you taking your life, though.

  He sounded as though he was scrambling for the right words, as though he was coming to a realisation as he spoke.

  Juliette, I’ve been selfish, I see that now. I mean, I guess I knew all along that I was being selfish – but I thought that it was okay. I thought that it was for the right reasons. That our love mattered above all else, that you making a few sacrifices with how you lived your life didn’t matter. But this … this is different.

  ‘It’s not Danny, it’s exactly the same. It’s a sacrifice for our love, just like you said.’

  Honey, no, please. Don’t do this, don’t you take that step. Come back down. Talk with me. We’ll find another way, another way to make this work. There must be another way. This isn’t just some small thing you’re giving up. This is your life, your body, years of living – this is the ultimate sacrifice.

  Juliette grasped the railing with her hands.

  ‘There is no other way.’

  Carefully, she lifted one foot up onto the balustrade, then pushed off with her other foot, so that she was standing, precariously balanced, on the balcony railing.

  Juliette, STOP! Dammit, why can’t I grab hold of you? Why can’t I pull you back in?

  ‘Because I’m not letting you. Because this is the right thing to do.’

  It’s not, it’s bloody well not the right thing to do. For fuck’s sake, Juliette, don’t you understand you can’t do this?
Please, baby, please, come back down, before it’s too late. Before you fall.

  ‘I’m not going to fall Danny. I’m going to jump.’

  DAMMIT, NO!

  All at once, Juliette felt a rush of wind surrounding her. Her body swayed and she prepared herself for the plummeting sensation as she fell, but it didn’t happen. Her feet stayed glued to the railing, and instead, her mind seemed to fly, speeding through mist, shooting through the world, with the sky and the earth tumbling around her, until suddenly everything stopped dead and she looked around her and realised she was sitting on a park bench in the middle of the botanical gardens. She gripped the wooden palings of the bench, they felt real under her touch.

  ‘What? What’s going on, where am I?’

  ‘I’ve brought you into my mind. Frozen time for us – just for a few minutes, so that we can talk.’

  Juliette looked up and gasped. There, walking towards her across the grass, was Danny, wearing dark trousers and an open-necked white shirt. He sat down next to her and Juliette felt the tears well up as she reached out a hand and touched his face. When she felt his skin under her fingertips, she dissolved into tears, and then they fell into one another’s arms and held each other close. This was completely different to all the times they had spent together in the apartment, touching and holding one another – even when he’d been whole again, there had always been a slight softness to his existence – an unrelenting hint that he was still just a ghost. But now, now he felt as real as the last day she’d seen and touched him when he was alive. He was solid, unwavering, warm to the touch.

  ‘Do you remember this place?’ asked Danny eventually, when they had finally pulled apart.

  ‘Are you kidding me? Of course I do. This is where you proposed to me.’

  ‘This is where I used to come. Remember I told you there were times when I returned somewhere special, while I was drifting in and out. Well, this was it. It’s not real – we’re both still back on the balcony. I mean, you are – I never really know where I am. But I recreated this scene in my mind, back when I was first lost. I conjured it up so there would be somewhere I could go to centre myself. To gather myself so that I could keep trying to contact you. Now, I wish that I didn’t. I should never have tried to come back to you. When I felt that pull from beyond, I should have answered it. I should have moved on.’ Danny’s face hardened and he looked down at his hands.