Citizen Insane: A Barbara Marr Murder Mystery

by Karen Cantwell

  I shook my head. “The baby had an Italian accent?”

  “No, the daughter.”

  Roz was confused too. “Whose daughter?”

  “My great, great, great Aunt Fianna’s sister’s daughter.”

  “So, your great, great, great Aunt Fianna’s niece?” asked Roz.

  “I guess you could look at it that way.”

  Roz was getting into the tangled tale. “So according to people who are dead now, your great, great, great Aunt Fianna’s niece went to Italy, came back with an accent, then had a baby girl with a big nose and dark hair?”

  “Exactly.”

  “Peggy,” I said, “that’s got to be the strangest story you’ve ever told.”

  “Yes, but it shows a family connection to Italy. Where there’s one connection, there could be more, that’s all I’m saying.”

  Peggy took a sip of the Pinot while Roz and I stared at her, unable to make a reasonable response to her family connection conclusion.

  “So I can’t join you at the meeting,” she said putting her glass down. “Why do you need reinforcements?”

  Roz rubbed her eyes then ran a hand through her hair. “Big yearbook scandal.”

  “Scandal?” I asked. “You keep using that word. Just how scandalous can a yearbook be, really?”

  “Oh, very scandalous. You don’t know these parents. High strung. Uptight. Type-A. Oh, why me?” She plunked her head down on my table.

  “Would you just tell us the sob story, already?”

  Roz tilted her head so she could talk, but left it on the table. “Krystle Jennings was the yearbook committee chair.”

  “She moved, right?” Peggy asked.

  “Disappeared is more like it. Do you have a tissue? I think I’m getting a cold.”

  “In the bathroom.”

  Roz continued to talk, just more loudly, from my bathroom in between blows of her nose. “One day she and her son were there, the next day they weren’t.”

  “Where did they live?” I hollered.

  She returned, her nose red and swollen, sat down and took another sip before answering. “A small house over on Pinoak Terrace.”

  “Did she sell it?” Peggy asked.

  She shook her head. “Didn’t own it. She rented. And I heard that she skipped out on three months rent.” She took another swipe at her nose with the tissue.

  “So where’s the PTA scandal?”

  “You know the candid pictures? Of the students at The Fall Fair, Science Night, in their classrooms, in the hallways? The kids get the yearbook and start flipping through looking for pictures of themselves having fun with their friends?”

  “Yeah. . . .” I wasn’t quite sure where this story was going.

  “Not this year. We got the proofs back right after she skipped town. Every single picture in that book, other than class pictures, is of her son.”

  Peggy cringed. “Is he that kid with the big ears and . . . how do I put this delicately . . . unruly teeth?”

  “That would be him.”

  “Every single picture?”

  “Every picture.”

  “Can’t you send in new pictures?”

  “Too late. She made the final deadline approvals all by herself.”

  “Can’t the yearbook company do something?”

  “Nothing that will get us yearbooks before school is out.”

  “Uh, oh.”

  “Yeah. Most of these moms join the committee specifically to squirm their way in with the yearbook chair and guarantee their kids pictures in prime spots. They are going to be so pissed. I’m not a violent woman, but I tell you this – if I EVER see Krystle Jennings again, I swear I’ll hurt her. I’ll hurt her very badly.”

  Our silent contemplation of Krystle Jennings’ nefarious yearbook sabotage was interrupted by the familiar slamming and thumping that always accompanied my teenage Callie’s after-school entrance. For a gracefully slim and generally quiet girl, she could rouse up a cacophony akin to an elephant stampede.

  “Tadaima!”

  A Junior at ForestGlenHigh School, Callie had taken to her beginning Japanese language class with unexpected enthusiasm. While I was pleasantly surprised at the amount of attention she paid to the subject, I did suspect it had more to do with the teacher, Mr. Obayashi, who was a very handsome and charming young man who barely looked twenty himself.

  “What does that mean?” I yelled back.

  She popped her pretty face into the kitchen doorway. She was a younger, feminine version of Howard to be sure. Hair the color of dark chocolate – thick and wavy. Perfect nose. Intense dark, almost black eyes and flawless skin, even at fifteen. I should have been so lucky at her age.

  “It means, I’m home,” Callie translated. “Oh, and Grandma’s here.”

  “You said all of that with one word?”

  “No. I mean, Grandma IS here. She drove up a second ago.”

  Peggy and Roz jumped up from the table and grabbed their purses.

  “Gotta run,” Roz said.

  “Me too. Things to do,” Peggy said with fear in her eyes.

  I looked at my clock again. The elementary school bus wouldn’t arrive for another half hour. “You guys have twenty minutes at least. You’re leaving because of my mother, aren’t you?”

  They exchanged glances. Roz spoke. “She scares us. She’s so . . . what’s the word . . .”

  “Tall,” Peggy assisted Roz with their excuse.

  “Yes,” agreed Roz. “And . . .”

  “Forceful.” Peggy slipped her thin sweater on so fast that it bunched up and hung all lopsided.

  “Forceful,” nodded Roz. “That’s a good word.”

  “Better than pushy and overbearing I guess.” I shrugged.

  “We’ll just slip out your back door. Ciao!” Peggy was gone in a flash.

  “See you at the bus stop.” Roz zipped out behind her waving.

  I gave her a dirty look. She slammed the sliding glass door just as my mother swished in the front.

  “Hello? Anyone home?” She hollered out, knowing perfectly well that I was.

  Before I could get my act together or hide, she was standing over me surveying the empty wine bottle.

  “Drinking in the middle of the day?” She shook her head and clicked her tongue. “This isn’t good. This isn’t good at all.”

  My mother commands quite a presence. She towers over my five foot eight inch frame. She’s a freakishly tall, big boned woman. Not fat, just big. Everything she does is big – she dresses big and lavish, she walks big, she talks big. As a young girl growing up, I felt dwarfed by the shadow of her character, only thankful that I didn’t inherit her monstrously large physical frame. Right now, I felt about three years old.

  I learned early in life that the best way to deal with my mother’s comments was to ignore them.

  “What brings you by, Mom?”

  “Do I need a reason to visit my only daughter and grandchildren?”

  “No, but you usually have one anyway.”

  “Nope. Nope. No reason.” She sat down while giving the room a cursory visual inspection. “Not really.”

  “Not really?”

  “No, but while I’m here, I might as well mention that I met a very nice, handsome, respectable and SINGLE man the other day. How about I set you two up?”

  “I’m married!”

  “You wouldn’t know it. When was the last time Howard was here, anyway?”

  Unfortunately, I didn’t answer quickly because I really couldn’t remember. He had been called out of town on lengthy assignments twice since Christmas. And more recently he’d been working some long hours, or so he said. Of course, I now knew he was probably working long hours romancing bodacious bimbos. I wasn’t going to tell my mother that, however. So I punted. “I just saw him a couple of minutes ago, as a matter of fact.”

  She didn’t seem convinced. “Howard should take a lesson from the way your father lived his life. Your father never would have left his
family like this. He was a good, honest and dedicated family man, rest his dear soul.”

  My sweet father, who was a small man compared to most, died in his sleep three years ago, supposedly of sleep apnea. I always suspected that maybe my mother accidentally rolled on top of him in the middle of the night, smothering the life out of him.

  “Mom, Howard didn’t leave me. This is all my doing. I told him to live at the condo so we could explore our relationship through dating again. I thought we’d learn to appreciate each other again and make our marriage stronger.”

  “Dear, excuse me for being blunt, but that’s the dumbest idea you’ve ever had.”

  Sadly, she was right, but I would never admit that fact to her. I rubbed my weary eyes. “Whatever, Mom.”

  “What do you plan to do about it?”

  “I don’t know, but I don’t have time to talk about it now, I have to walk up to the bus stop. Amber and Bethany’s bus will be here any minute.”

  “Do you mind if I use your phone?”

  “Go ahead.”

  The sun had warmed the air nicely over the day. I stood on the front walk, closed my eyes, and took some deep cleansing breaths, concentrating on the joys of Spring rather than the woes of Barbara Marr.

  My silent reverie was shattered by a voice right next to my ear.

  “It looks like you have company.”

  I jumped and screamed, my heart racing a million miles a minute. The voice came from my nosy “friend” Waldo. He was easily three inches shorter than me, with fuzzy, dark hair that hovered over his eyes like a flying saucer, a waxy complexion that made him look sickly, and a wardrobe that screamed for a fashion consultant. Even though he was new to the neighborhood, he’d already succeeded in meeting just about every married woman within a two-mile radius and offering himself as “someone to listen” since he was a psychotherapist by trade.

  “Waldo! Don’t scare me like that.”

  “I’m so sorry. I would never mean to scare you.” He pointed at the red GTO convertible pulling in behind my mother’s Mini Cooper. I knew that GTO well. And its driver, my friend and Howard’s roommate, Colt Baron. Colt is just plain yummy. Blond, wispy hair and a smile that makes a woman’s heart palpitate. Women fall for Colt everywhere he goes. He’s also a private investigator who agreed to teach me how to shoot a hand gun. I assumed this was the reason for his visit.

  “Hey, Curly!” Colt flashed his smile as he bounded up the walkway like a happy puppy. He and Waldo slipped me awkward I-don’t-know-him glances, so I felt obligated to make introductions.

  “Waldo, this is my friend Colt. Colt this is –”

  “Oswald Fuchs,” he interrupted, thrusting his hand toward Colt. “But you can call me Waldo. That way, when you’re wondering where I am, you can just say, ‘Where’s Waldo?’” He laughed at his own joke. It was his standard line and, since I had already heard it at least ten times, it was really becoming a sore point with me. Mostly because I felt required to laugh at it every time even though what I really wanted to do was stick my finger in his eye like Moe giving it to Larry.

  Colt took Waldo’s hand, but I could see he wasn’t impressed. “Nice to meet you.” He dismissed Waldo quickly turning to me, “You got a minute?”

  I nodded. “You can walk with me to the bus stop. Waldo, I have to go. Did you . . . want something?”

  He just grinned and shook his head. “Nope.”

  “Okay, then.” I started walking, hoping he’d get the message and skedaddle. “See ya later.”

  The message wasn’t received. “I hear there was quite a commotion over at Bunny Bergen’s house today,” he said. “Do you know what happened there?”

  I stiffened a little.

  “Really?” I said. “A commotion? I don’t know anything about that.”

  “You don’t?” Waldo looked puzzled. “Maria Nichols told me that fire engines and police were swarming around her house. She said a medic pulled Bunny out of Peggy Rubenstein’s van while you talked to someone who looked like George Clooney. Doesn’t your husband look like George Clooney?”

  Colt stifled a laugh.

  “Listen, Waldo, I’m really not supposed to be talking about this. Best if you left it alone.”

  “I’m just so concerned about poor Bunny.” He clicked his long, gross fingernails. “Hopefully the incident wasn’t related to her obsession with Howard.”

  Chapter four

  Waldo slapped a hand over his mouth.

  “What?” My right eye twitched once.

  “I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “But you did.” Twitch.

  “Pretend you didn’t hear it.”

  “I can’t.”

  He checked his watch. “I put a flan in the oven before taking my walk. Must take it out. Be good, stay healthy and nurture the spirit within you.” Waldo touched my forehead lightly then turned and sprinted through the woods on the path that led back to his own house.

  Colt watched him scurry away. “Never trust a man that makes flan.”

  “I need a vacation – from life.” My cheek puckered, indicating the genesis of a cry. We trekked down my driveway toward the road.

  “What was that all about?”

  “Long story.” I stopped. “Is Howard having an affair? Tell me the truth.”

  “Oh, geez.”

  “I saw him last night in a restaurant getting all cozy with a blonde.”

  “Shouldn’t you be asking him this question? Remember that talk we had about putting me in the middle? I’m just the roommate.”

  We did make that agreement. It worked for more reasons than one. Like the fact that even after many, many years, Colt still carried a strongly lit torch for me. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

  Roz was waiting for us at the end of my driveway. “Is your mother still in the house?”

  Colt looked frantically at the Mini Cooper he had parked behind. “That your mother’s car? I’m getting outa Dodge. Listen, I just came to tell you that I reserved an hour at the indoor range – Straight Shooters Gun Shop in Manassas. Day after tomorrow, one o’clock. Can you do that?” He was running backwards, jangling his keys.

  “Chicken.”

  “I admit it.” He flapped his arms to imitate a freaky foul. “One o’clock?”

  “Sure.”

  “Meet you there – call me if you need directions.” He was in his car and gone faster than Smokey chasing The Bandit.

  “Does your mother scare everyone?” Roz asked.

  “No. Only my friends.” The twitch was growing in intensity. I pressed a finger on the corner of my eye to stop it.

  “You don’t look good. Is everything okay?”

  “I’ve been better. This throbbing headache snuck up on me about two minutes ago and it feels like there’s a Mexican jumping bean under my eyelid.”

  “Let me get the girls for you – I’ll send them up to the house. You go in and relax.

  “My mother is in there. How can I relax with her around?”

  Roz cut her eyes toward the top of the driveway. “Look, she’s leaving now.”

  She was right. My mother was cramming into her spit-fire red Mini Cooper. Miraculously, she actually managed to fit her hulking frame into that tiny box. I suspected her knees knocked her chin every time she shifted gears.

  “Good,” I agreed. “You’re right. I think I’ll go lie down. Thanks.”

  “You’ll pay me back tonight by going to that PTA meeting,” Roz grinned. “I’ll pick you up at seven forty-five.”

  My mother backed down the driveway and stopped to talk. Her window was rolled down and her sunroof opened wide. “Sweetheart. You look terrible.”

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  “Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Howard called while you were out. He said to tell you he can’t stop by tonight. Something about working late.” She had that you’re-married-to-such-a-loser look on her face.

  I sighed. “Why am I not surprised?”

  “
Can I give you the name and number of that single fella? He’d be a real catch.”

  “Fella? No one says ‘fella’ anymore Mom.”

  “You’re avoiding my question.”

  With the nervous tick kicking in at full speed, I avoided her question real good by walking away, stomping into my house, flopping onto my lonely marital bed and letting out the bawl of the century.

  *****

  Callie was a gem and cooked dinner for Amber and Bethany while I wallowed in my self-pity pit. By seven o’clock, I was on the phone with Roz trying to wheedle my way out of the PTA commitment. She’d have none of it, arguing that I should get out of the house, rather than sitting and moping about Howard. She also thought I’d get a good laugh or two from the dramatic antics and fireworks that would be unleashed in the wake of her announcement. Deciding she was probably more right than wrong, I gave Callie her babysitting instructions and stood waiting in the driveway at 6:45. Roz arrived promptly, as usual.

  By 8:00 we were seated in the cushy green chairs of the Tulip Tree Elementary School library. Roz set up camp at the head of a long table and worked with exaggerated concentration on a stack of paperwork in front of her, reading, paperclipping, reading, paperclipping. I knew she was engaging herself in busy work, nervous to start the meeting and the deal with the uproar that would follow her bad news. I purposely sat several chairs away, just in case I needed to make a quick and discreet get-away.

  “Is anyone sitting here?” asked a female voice.

  I lifted my head to see Shashi Kapoor, the school crossing guard. Shashi was one of my favorite people at Tulip Tree. She could always be relied on for a truthful and un-edited account of happenings at the school – both in front of and behind the scenes. She had no kids of her own, but participated in school events with dedication and enthusiasm.

  “Hi, Shashi. Sit down. I’d love to have you as my neighbor tonight.”

  Beautifully adorned in a shimmery, banana yellow sari, Shashi’s bright white smile lit up the room and helped me to forget my worries.

  “How are things weeth you, Barbara?” She always said my full name and enunciated every syllable.

  “Fine, thanks.” I smiled.