rock

by Anyta Sunday

  “Doesn’t sound the same as it does at home. The pieces are more complicated but I’m pulling through. Getting better.”

  “Maybe you can play me something when you come home for the winter holidays?”

  He coughs but doesn’t answer. Voices call his name in the background. “Look,” he says. “I gotta go. I’ll call next week, okay?”

  “Yeah, okay. Have a good hike.”

  “Do something this weekend, Cooper. Please?”

  I glance over my shoulder at Ernie and Bert. “Promise.”

  When he hangs up, I hold the phone for a long moment before facing the boys. “All right,” I tell them, jingling the keys in my bag. “Let’s go see Annie.”

  * * *

  Annie’s flat looks as though a bomb exploded in it. Crusty dishes are piled in the sink, heaps of clothing are thrown all over the floor, empty wine bottles give the air a sour bite, and the bathroom walls are edged with mold.

  I decide to wait rather than use the bathroom.

  “I thought girls were meant to be the clean ones,” I say as she clears a space on the couch for us.

  Annie shrugs. “There’s only so many times you can bitch at your flatmates to clean up before it gets awkward.”

  I shake my head. “No wonder you’re coming to Mum’s for dinner more and more.”

  Ernie and Bert lounge in the mess like it’s their throne. “Couple of beers, and we’re set.”

  “Someone say beer?” One of Annie’s flatmates walks in with a six-pack in one hand, and a bunch of shopping bags in the other.

  Bert stares at the door like it’s magical. “Couple of girls, and we’re super set.”

  The girls hit it off with Bert and Ernie while I zone out of the conversation and think about Jace. My sister digs her fingernails in my arm and drags me to her room, which is surprisingly much cleaner than the rest of the house. We sit on the wide windowsill overlooking a weedy garden. “What’s up, Coop?”

  “Nothing. I’m . . . fine.” Before she pushes further I ask about her. “How’d your date go with what’s-his-name?”

  She groans. “Steve. The one night wonder.” A shrug. “Never do that again. Worst walk of shame ever. I banged into Darren looking like a prostitute.” She blushes. “He had to know. All I wanted was to slink home and hide.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Yeah. But of course the one that got away will catch me at my worst.”

  We’re quiet but Ernie and Bert are laughing in the background.

  Annie pinches my arm. “You at Mum’s this week?”

  I shake my head. “Dad’s. You coming for dinner this weekend?” It makes it easier when she comes, and I suspect that’s why she makes more of an effort.

  “I mean, I wasn’t planning to. Tomorrow I’m watching this theatre production Chrissy is in. And I have group-project meeting on Sunday. But I don’t have to see the play. Sure. I’ll come out—”

  “No, don’t.” I put on an extra cheery smile that tastes like cardboard. “I’m good. Next week, maybe.”

  “You sure?”

  “Yeah, course.”

  “Invite your friends around. You guys could have a slumber party.”

  I haven’t had Bert and Ernie sleep over since that night with Jace. I’m afraid if I do, all I’ll remember is touching Jace the first time. Willing him to look at me.

  Just a jerk off?

  What else would it be?

  “Yeah, they’re busy. But I have a test to study for.”

  “You study harder than anyone I’ve met at university. You know where you’re going next year?”

  “Otago.”

  Dunedin.

  Jace.

  Do you care?

  No. And I’ll convince him not to either.

  And the rest of the world if I have to.

  Bert and Ernie are having a great time, so I leave them to it. They can catch a taxi home. They’re too high to care I’m ditching them, anyway.

  I drive the hatchback around the bays, driving and driving, until the sun finally sets.

  “Cooper,” Dad says when I finally get in the door. He and Lila are dressed up. “We were about to head out to dinner. Do you want to join us?”

  “Nah, I’m good. I’ll just hang here.”

  Lila unclips her earrings. “We don’t need to go out. We’ll hang with you.”

  Dad exchanges a look with her, and toes off his shoes. “Ordering in it is.”

  Despite their efforts to make the big house seem less empty and less quiet, it makes it worse. There should be more voices, more spark in the air.

  I eat a few slices of pizza, fake a few yawns, and head upstairs.

  The gaming room is dark, the piano sitting untouched for months. I sit on the stool and let the chill creep over me. If I close my eyes, I hear his song and his ghost settles around me as if pulling me into his arms.

  I scrub my face and laugh at myself.

  Then I go to bed. His bed.

  greywacke

  A week later when I’m at Mum’s, I get mail from Jace. A greywacke stone that’s broken on one side, and a short note.

  From the Kepler Track. (The trail is beautiful.) This stone made sleeping impossible. It kept digging into my back, so I snuck out of the tent in the middle of the night, lifted the pegs, and pulled it out. Still couldn’t sleep, though. After that, all I could think about was rocks.

  I smile, and suddenly I’m me again.

  We’re apart but nothing has to change. This is just a test we’ll pass with flying colors.

  I hole myself up in my room, lie on the bed facing my toolboxes, and phone him.

  It’s so easy. He tells me about all the crazy people he’s meeting in Dunedin and how I would love it down there.

  He laughs. I laugh.

  I make him take me to his dorm room and play something on his new piano. He asks me if he should sing, and I catch my breath.

  He plays, and even through the phone it’s beautiful.

  We talk for over an hour. I never want this to end but my phone is beeping with low battery. Jace laughs again and tells me to have a good night.

  I hang up, clutch the phone to my chest and bite my lip—

  “Who was that?” I leap to my feet. Mum is leaning against the doorframe; the door mustn’t have been closed properly. “Your boyfriend?”

  I splutter. “Wh—what makes you think that?”

  “You sound happy. Head over heels. I haven’t heard you this animated in months.”

  I slip the phone in my pocket. “Dinner ready?”

  “It was your boyfriend then? When do I get to meet him?”

  Dread and nausea wash over me, and I finally understand why Jace has distanced himself.

  “It was just a friend,” I tell her. Would you hate me if you knew I was in love with my maybe brother? “Just a friend.”

  “Oh, unrequited, is it? That’s a hard one but you have to hold out for someone special. Someone who wants you as much as you want him; someone who’ll be proud to call you his boyfriend.”

  We have a roasted-chicken dinner, and Annie comes too. Paul, sitting opposite from Mum, opens a bottle of white wine and pours us each a glass, mine slighter than the rest but I don’t care for alcohol anyway.

  “What’s this for?” Annie asks, glancing between Mum and Paul. Annie silently asks me with her facial expressions what this is all about.

  I shake my head.

  Mum stands up. “Good news,” she says, smiling at Paul. “We’re moving in together.”

  topaz

  Winter comes.

  Jace doesn’t.

  He has the chance to play a few gigs, so he won’t be home until Christmas.

  I call him to make alternate plans.

  “I’ll come down,” I say as soon as he picks up. “Can take a flight tomorrow. I’d love to watch your gigs.”

  “Cooper,” Jace says. His tone sounds distant. “You don’t have to.”

  “I want to.”

&nbs
p; “I’m going to be in rehearsals most of the time. You’ll be bored.”

  “I see.” And I do, clearly. My eyes sting and my throat tightens.

  Jace quickly changes the topic. “But hey, what’s new? How’s Annie?”

  “Same old. She’s fine. You?”

  “Tried this fish and chips place near campus, it was great.”

  “Better than the one we go to here?”

  “Different.”

  “So not better?”

  “Cooper! Fuck. They don’t use canola oil to fry the fish.”

  “We never asked what they use here. Could be coconut, maybe.”

  Silence.

  I sit on the end of his bed and wish I had something else to say. But I don’t. Neither does he.

  A male voice speaks in the background, and Jace answers, “Just my brother. Be there soon.”

  Just my brother.

  My stomach twists.

  “Sorry,” I say hurriedly. “Bert and Ernie just showed up. We’re hitting some clubs tonight. I gotta . . . yeah. Later.”

  I barely give him the time to say goodbye before hanging up. I rummage for some topaz, hoping it will cure me from the deep madness creeping into my mind.

  * * *

  I’m not expecting Jace to phone me the next week, but when he doesn’t, I curl into his bed and let the tears fall.

  The edge of the pillow is wet. I shift, wiping my nose with the back of my hand. Lila startles me when she plops onto the edge of the bed and pats my back. I didn’t even hear the door open. “Hey. Cheer up, love.”

  I roll onto my back and throw an arm over my face to hide my tears. “Lila.”

  Please go away. Leave me alone.

  “Oh, darling.” She touches my hair. “This has gone on too long. It hurts to see you so depressed.”

  “I’m not”—sniff—“depressed.”

  I stiffen as I realize I’m in Jace’s bed. What is Lila thinking?

  “It’s hard being the one left behind, isn’t it?”

  A gurgling sound escapes as I try to stop my tears.

  She strokes my hair, making my tears leak faster.

  “I felt like that when your Dad left for America in my last year of school, too. He was my best friend. I cried and listened to a lot of U2, wallowing in my misery. It was tough going from hanging every day to nothing but the occasional call.”

  I nod.

  “I miss Jace too. He grew up too damn fast.”

  “Do you cry and listen to U2 now?”

  Her fingers stop moving. “All the time. Usually in the car. I’ll look into the empty passenger seat like I used to when he was younger, and I wish he’d never grown up.”

  “Does it make you mad he didn’t come for winter?”

  “No.”

  I sniff.

  She continues. “I’m happy that he’s making his own way in life. Trying new things. Learning more about himself and what he wants. I’m proud of him, even though it hurts to feel the ties between us lengthen.”

  I shift my arm and look up at her. Her blue eyes are framed by dark hair like his. Hers is still short, not fully grown out yet like it was before she got sick. “Sorry,” I murmur.

  “What for?”

  I shrug. “For being mad at him.”

  She leans down and kisses my forehead. “It’s okay to feel that way. You’ll be all right. We’ll stick it out together. Before we know it, he’ll be home for Christmas.”

  * * *

  Come Christmas holidays, Annie, Darren, Bert, Ernie, and I are in Auckland to see Fat Freddy’s Drop. I can barely concentrate on enjoying the music, knowing Jace is arriving in Wellington. I jump to the beat, banging into Darren and Ernie on either side of me. When it’s half over, I sneak into the bathroom and call Dad’s landline. Lila answers. “Yes, he’s arrived!”

  “All safe?”

  “Yes, safe. A friend of his is staying for a couple of nights too. I’ve set up Annie’s old room for him. She’ll be staying in her flat when you guys get home, right?”

  “Yeah.” It sucks to have missed Jace’s arrival but maybe it’s for the best. Maybe it’ll show him that his lack of contact hasn’t hurt me at all.

  Not at all.

  Someone bangs on the door of my stall and tells me to hurry up. I flip him the bird as I wrap up the conversation and head back to the dance floor. The music scorches the air and makes me forget about reality for a few hours.

  Afterwards, we take a bus to the beach close to our hotel. The sky is navy, streaked with purple rivulets, the last goodbye of today’s sun. The cool sand is a pleasant contrast to the humid air, and the crashing waves mesmerize me with their glowing white tips. Annie and Darren are comparing thoughts about the concert—he liked it more than she did. He’s trying to convince her she really loved it, and Annie is laughing against his chest. I smile and veer off to the water.

  I’ve just taken my shoes off when Ernie bounds over. Bert is sitting on a piece of driftwood doing something on his phone.

  “So,” he says.

  “So.”

  He shrugs and gets to it. “You’ve been distant this year.”

  No point in lying about it now. “A bit, yeah.”

  “We’ve been worried.”

  “I’m good. I’ll be fine.”

  “Good. Sweet.” He takes off his shoes and wades into the water with me. “We hope that you’re going to be okay next year without us to keep you in check.”

  I laugh. “Yeah, thanks for keeping it real.”

  We stop walking, and our feet sink into the sand as the tide pulls out. “You’ve made me a better person, Coop. I never would have lifted a finger or done anything at school without your help. I might have laughed it off but it was really cool of you, man. Bert will never say it, but he loved that you watched his games even though rugby isn’t your thing. You’re solid, dude.”

  I don’t know what to say. “You were both there for me too.”

  Another wave pulls the sand under our feet.

  “I’m about sapped out.” Ernie jerks a thumb toward the others. “Shall we?”

  He moves to leave, and I snatch him back into a hug. The next wave catches us at the backs of our knees, soaking the pants we’d rolled up. We thump each other between the shoulder blades three times and break apart.

  lapis lazuli

  As soon as our plane lands in Wellington, I beeline to the hatchback in long-term parking. Darren is dropping Annie off, and I’m stuck with Bert and Ernie, who are racing to keep up with me.

  “Dude, what’s the rush?”

  “Nothing. Just want to get home.”

  Ernie slaps my shoulder. “You’re kidding, right?” Ernie says this lightly, but he’s been quieter today, sort of mellow, and I know he’s thinking of Bert going to Auckland and me to Dunedin, leaving him here. “You can’t leave us. We have a whole evening of drinking and debauchery planned.”

  “While that sounds positively awesome,” I say, moving the seat forward to let Ernie in, “I’m going to pass.”

  “But—”

  “I’ll make it up to you.”

  Bert grumbles, shrugs.

  “Promise.”

  That gets a small grin. “Next time we get together, it’d better be epic. Something to remember.”

  I drop them both at Ernie’s and beat every traffic light home under the red evening sun. The inside of the house is illuminated but Dad and Lila’s car isn’t in the garage. I pull in, too excited to bother searching for a parking spot.

  Okay, this is it. Nonchalance does it.

  I run a hand through my hair and flatten my Radio One T-shirt. In my jean’s pocket is a smooth, bottle-brown stone I found at Auckland harbor that morning.

  I’m ready. At least, I will be ready as soon as my heart stops bashing my ribs.

  What will Jace look like? Will he have filled out more? Will his hair be short, messy, untamed? Will he smile when he sees me? Will he forget everyone else?

  Deep breath. On
e step at a time.

  I race inside, throwing my keys onto the shelf by the garage door.

  Jace could be out, I suppose. Out for dinner and forgot to switch off—

  A creak from upstairs.

  Jace!

  I don’t care that it’s been weird between us for six long months. I’m going to crush him into a hug because dammit, I have missed him.

  I take the steps two at a time and walk slowly down the hall. It won’t look good to surprise him while puffing. The nerves! I pause for a moment to take a deep breath.

  The hallway drags forever. Another creak beckons me to Jace’s room. I pass the gaming room and the broom closet, trailing my fingers over the wall.

  Dickweed, I’ll tell him, you should have called.

  And then I’ll launch into the hug.

  His bedroom door is closed, so I squeeze the cool handle as though it’s one of my rocks. It instantly cuts through a blurred year, and unexpectedly, everything appears brighter, harder, colder. Even the air tastes sweeter.

  I slowly push open the door—

  Jace is sitting on the end of his bed, chin lifted, lips parted, his profile glowing amber in the evening sun. His T-shirt is bunched in one hand, and he’s fumbling with the greenstone hook at his chest with the other.

  I smile, fully prepared to race in and tackle him down to the—

  He’s not alone.

  A mop of blond hair swirls vigorously in his lap.

  The blur rushes back over me like thick fog. I wish it were thicker.

  The guy with the mop of blond is on his knees sucking forcefully at Jace’s cock. The bed creaks as Jace flexes deeper into his mouth. He lets the T-shirt go and threads his fingers around the guy’s hair, then manually guides the depth and pace of his thrusts. The sucking and slurping is so fucking loud. How did I not hear it? How do they not fucking see me rooted in the doorway?

  Jace moans and shuts his eyes. Blond Mop works faster, faster, faster—

  Jace pushes the guy off him and comes in his hand.

  I find the strength in my legs to silently shuffle backward to my room. The open door will be Jace’s only clue.