Sanctuary Lost

by Moira Rogers

  For a few seconds she considered doing just that, but her anger faded as his resistance did. It left nothing in its place but bone-deep weariness and a sick fear that had gnawed at her since she’d been kidnapped. She covered her face with her hands and tried to push away the fear. “I’m sorry, Joe. You’ve been really great. You’ve risked your life for me, for us…and I shouldn’t be yelling at you.”

  He dropped his fork to his plate with a clatter. “What are you really afraid of, Brynn? Of having to be protected?”

  The words escaped before she could stop them. “Of not being protected. Of being helpless.”

  Her admission seemed to pain him. “I can teach you how to take care of yourself. Hell, I could show you a ton of things that wouldn’t turn your life upside down.” He hesitated. “There’s no going back from it. Even if you regret it.”

  She dropped her hands and opened her eyes, focusing on Joe’s face to fight the rising panic. “Abby stabbed Alan Matthews in the throat and shot him, like, five times in the chest. He’s still alive. What the hell can I do to protect myself?”

  “It only takes one shot, if you do it right.”

  He sounded so sure, so confident. Then again, she supposed he should. Her memories of the rescue were blessedly vague, but she would never forget the look on Joe’s face as he killed her captor with three efficient shots, two to the chest and one that blew off half the man’s head. At first she’d been almost as afraid of him as she had been her kidnappers, but his gentle protectiveness had soothed her terror.

  Joe knew how to kill, but she trusted him anyway. That made it easier to nod. “Okay. I want to learn, then. But I’ve only shot a gun once.”

  “I taught Abby how to fire without blowing her foot off. If I’d had more time, I’d have turned her into a crack shot.”

  The confidence was what did her in. The rigid wall she’d erected cracked, and the terror she’d tried so hard to shove aside bubbled up, bringing tears with it. A year ago she’d been interning under a state senator, doing research to help strengthen gun laws. Now she was going to learn to kill, because if she didn’t—

  She was going to hyperventilate. She shoved her chair back blindly and rose to her feet. “I—I need to g-go—” A sob ripped free, and not even shame could keep the misery inside this time.

  Her chair crashed against the floor, and Joe moved with unbelievable speed. He folded his arms around her and whispered against her hair. “Shh. You’re all right.”

  Brynn gripped his shirt and struggled to bring herself under control, but the words tumbled out without her permission. “I’m not all right, I’m not. But I have to pretend so hard because of Abby—because she can’t handle it—”

  “She can handle it better than you think, sweetie. Because she has to.”

  She shook her head, kept shaking her head as she clutched at his shoulders and soaked his shirt with the tears she hadn’t been able to shed in the three long weeks since her rescue. Joe held her and whispered soothing words until her sobs gave way to soft sniffles. Finally, he pulled away and smoothed her hair back from her face. “Better?”

  Her eyes hurt and she felt foolish, but the painful, choking press of emotions had eased. “I guess, a little. Only now I have to go wash my face before Abby shows up. She’ll freak if she finds out I was crying.”

  The corner of his mouth lifted. “I’d better change my shirt, then.”

  She glanced down and found his shirt wet and creased where her fists had bunched the fabric. Warmth filled her cheeks as she tried to stroke out the wrinkles with her fingertips. “Sorry.”

  Joe caught her hands and smiled. “It’s okay. Go wash your face.”

  For a brief, heart-pounding moment, all she wanted to do was sink into his embrace again. Joe was strong. Hard and dangerous, but gentle with her. He wasn’t the sort of man she’d been attracted to before, but he offered her something no one else could now. A chance to feel safe.

  And it doesn’t hurt that he’s handsome as hell. Any woman would be distracted by the hard chest under her hands, or the leashed strength in those fingers. Biological reaction. No one can blame me.

  She had no idea how much of her sudden interest showed on her face as she carefully pulled her hands away. “Okay. Thanks, Joe.”

  “You’re welcome. Now hurry up. I think I hear your sister and Keith.”

  There wasn’t much she could do about the puffiness of her eyes, but she spent a few minutes in Joe’s bathroom rinsing her face with cool water as she gathered the tattered remains of her emotions. If Keith and Abby were already back, it meant they’d made a decision. One they’d expect her to go along with without argument. They’d probably decided to pack her up and send her to stay with her brother. Hell, Abby had probably already called him and made the arrangements.

  But she had to stay calm. Pitching a fit might be satisfying, but it was the last thing that would convince Keith and Abby that she could make her own decisions. Neither would recognize she’d been handling things on her own for six years now. Abby, with her vast five-year age advantage, would always remember Brynn as the fourteen-year-old girl she’d been forced to care for after their parents’ deaths.

  Brynn held on to the edge of countertop and studied her face in the mirror. It didn’t help that she looked young. Almost twenty-five, but she still got carded trying to buy wine. The red eyes and scratches on her face wouldn’t calm Abby, either. Young and hurt, two things guaranteed to get her sister’s back up…and two things she couldn’t do a damn thing to change.

  Calm and reasonable, she reminded herself as she reached for the bathroom door. Maybe Keith and Abby would actually ask her input, instead of laying down the law. Maybe she wasn’t giving them enough credit. Or maybe I’m giving them too much.

  She knew something was wrong when she stepped into the living room and found not only Abby and Keith, but Gavin and Samantha as well. The alphas looked serious. Keith looked enraged. And Abby…

  Abby looked crushed.

  Joe walked over as soon as Brynn came in and laid his hand on her arm. “Come and sit down.”

  He coaxed her in the direction of the couch, but she stumbled, unable to pull her gaze from her sister’s face. “Oh God, what happened? Tell me, Abby.”

  “It’s Richard,” she whispered, her voice thick with tears. “Richard’s dead.”

  Their brother, the one everyone had assumed would keep her safe. Some part of her had known the minute she’d seen her sister’s face. Alan Matthews wanted to punish Abby, and he’d done it by putting her family in danger. Only he’d learned from kidnapping Brynn. He hadn’t given anyone a chance to save Richard. It was vengeance, pure and simple.

  Brynn was too numb to cry, even as her legs gave out and Joe lowered her to the couch. Richard was dead. I will never be safe.

  “We tried to call him,” Gavin said quietly. “Turns out, his roommate had been trying to get in touch with you and Abby. It—it was quick.”

  Abby made a small noise and pressed her face to Keith’s chest. Brynn felt the heavy weight of Joe’s hand on her shoulder.

  She ignored him, and ignored Keith when he tried to catch her gaze. Her eyes met Gavin’s, and she saw compassion and sympathy there. It gave her the courage to speak. “I need to talk to you. Alone.”

  “Right this second?” There was an unusual awareness in his dark gaze, and it occurred to Brynn that he already knew what she would ask.

  Brynn glanced at Abby, taking in the dejected slump of her trembling shoulders. Abby was strong, but that only made this worse. She’d blame herself for Richard’s death. She already blamed herself for Brynn’s kidnapping.

  If I become a werewolf… She looked back at Gavin and shook her head. “Not this second. But…soon.”

  “Tomorrow,” he said, holding out a hand to Abby. “Is there anything we can do?”

  Abby said nothing, so it was Brynn who answered. “No, but thank you.”

  The door closed softly, leaving them in uncom
fortable silence broken only by Abby’s quiet tears. Brynn wanted to cross the room to her sister, but her legs wouldn’t obey. There was no comfort she could give Abby that Keith wasn’t more prepared to offer.

  Still, she had to try. “Abby…”

  Her sister curled closer to Keith, and the wordless sound she made was more animal than human.

  Joe shivered. “This isn’t what anyone wants to talk about right now, but how are we going to fix this? What’re we going to do?”

  Keith slid his arm under Abby’s legs and lifted her up, cradling her against his chest. “Brynn, are you okay here with Joe for a little bit?”

  Abby would struggle to be strong as long as she was in the room, so Brynn nodded, barely feeling the movement. Everything was numb. Everything was cold. “I’ll be okay.”

  Joe sighed. “I’ll take care of her. Take Abby home.”

  They departed in silence, and Brynn stared at the door and waited for tears to come. She thought about Richard, the older brother who’d been more absent father than sibling for much of her life, and waited to cry. What does it say about me that I can’t cry?

  Joe swore softly. “Want something to drink? I have whiskey.”

  “No.” The word came out low and hoarse, and she swallowed around the painful lump in her throat. She rose, wrapped her arms around her waist and closed her eyes. “Abby can’t take much more. She’s the strong one…but everyone has limits.”

  “Yes, everyone does.” His hands landed on her shoulders again, and he pulled her back against his chest. “Even Abby. Even you.”

  “Even me,” she repeated in a whisper. She kept her eyes closed as a shudder claimed her. “You know what I’m going to do.”

  “Yeah.” He pressed his lips to her temple. “So does Gavin.”

  “Abby won’t support me. Keith might not, either.”

  “She might surprise you.” His breath feathered against her cheek. “You won’t know unless you talk to her.”

  She fought a shiver. “What about you? Will you support me?”

  His hesitation was slight but definite. “Depends on what you need from me, sweetheart.”

  She pulled away so she could turn and watch his face. Maybe he could sense her mood with subtle hints and magic, but she had to rely on her eyes. “I still don’t understand how the Guides work. Do I have to pick someone I want to—to be in a relationship with?”

  Joe’s eyes hardened. “No, you don’t. You can pick anyone you want, Brynn.” He took a deep breath, and the tightness in his expression eased. “Some Guides won’t get involved. It just depends.”

  “Explain it to me?”

  He moved them both into a more comfortable position on the sofa. “Keith and Abby are sort of a special case. Usually, the Guide thing is friendly and that’s it. There might be some amount of physical intimacy, but it’s not as involved as you might think. It’s not casual, but it’s not really about the sex, either. It’s about the control.” He stopped rubbing her shoulder and stared at the wall. “Then there are the ones who become wolves because of relationships they already have. That’s…a whole different story.”

  His face looked closed off, tense. She fought a shiver and changed the subject. “Keith said Abby wouldn’t have had many choices when it came to choosing a Guide. Because she’s strong. But he never explained what that meant.” Or if it applies to me.

  “She needed someone who could match the power inside her. Everyone does.” His hand slipped into her hair. “You have more choices. There are a lot of men—or women—here who could help you through it.”

  “Oh. Well, that’s good.” Except for the part where she was pretty sure the Initiation included a psychic magical connection. Her sister’s attempts to explain why she and Keith could sense each other’s emotions tended to be more confusing than enlightening, but the truth of it was obvious enough. She’d seen Keith judge Abby’s mood from another room before.

  Which would make it impossible to keep secrets from her Guide. So asking Joe would be a bad idea. Unless… “Is the bond thing—the magical psychic part—is that necessary?”

  “No.” Some of the tension in him seemed to ease. “It’s recommended, but it’s not necessary. Not usually.”

  “So I wouldn’t need to do it?”

  “I don’t know. Gavin would know, or Sam. Like I said, it depends on a lot of factors.”

  She’d danced around the question enough. Brynn took a breath and met Joe’s eyes. “You’ve done it before, right?”

  He looked away. “I’ve done the Guide thing lots of times.”

  Something inside her died at the subtle rejection. “But you don’t want to do it now.”

  He closed his eyes for a few seconds and sighed. One hand cupped her cheek, the other stroked through her hair, and he opened his eyes and met her gaze. “If you need me, Brynn, I’m here.”

  The icy numbness in her limbs thawed, shifted to a tingling warmth as his thumb brushed against her skin. “I—” Bad idea. Bad, bad idea. “I don’t know what I need.”

  “Mmm.” He barely seemed to hear her. All of his attention had shifted to her mouth, and he licked his bottom lip and leaned toward her. Just before his lips touched hers, he froze. “Bad idea,” he murmured, echoing her thoughts. “You need someone, Brynn, but not me. Someone better.”

  “No, not better. But maybe someone I don’t have wildly inappropriate feelings for at wildly inappropriate times.”

  His hand tightened in her hair. “I don’t get involved with the women I guide.” His breath tickled her cheek. “I don’t know if I could do it.”

  Her heart pounded, but there was no joy, no trembling anticipation. She could move her lips a few inches to the left and fall into the glorious heat of being kissed by a man who, if instinct served, would steal her breath. It would be a distraction from a world of pain and grief and mind-numbing fear, but it would fade.

  The grief and pain wouldn’t.

  She pressed her forehead to his shoulder to remove the temptation. “I can’t make choices right now. It’s too much. It’s all…too much.”

  “I know.” Joe gathered her close against his chest, holding her in the circle of his arms. “I’ve got you.”

  The words did what grief couldn’t. Cradled in his arms with his heart beating firmly under her cheek, she gave in and cried for the second time that day.

  *

  Joe leaned his head against a support beam on his front porch and clenched his hands into fists. “I can’t do it, Gavin.”

  “You might have to.” The alpha’s voice was even, implacable. “Joe, I know you have personal issues with guiding someone you feel close to, but that girl is in a world of hurt right now. If she does this—”

  “If,” Joe broke in, opening his eyes. “If.”

  Gavin sighed. “Did she ask you?”

  He fidgeted and tried not to remember the look on her face when she’d finally gotten around to it. “Sort of.”

  Sam spoke for the first time. “There’s no ‘sort of’ here. You’re a smart boy. Answer the question.”

  Fine, damn it. “She asked, but she doesn’t know what that means, Sam. The only thing she’s seen is Keith and Abby, so she’s going to be expecting something…” Something what, Mitchell? “Something I can’t give her.”

  Gavin stared at him, and Joe fought the urge to hide. For the tenth time since Brynn had turned those wide gray eyes on him, he wondered if he shouldn’t just give in. He could try his best. It might be good enough.

  Memories of Tamara rose, and he shoved them down. It wouldn’t be right to offer himself to her, to let Brynn depend on him, if he couldn’t deliver. “Gavin, please.”

  The alpha glanced at his wife. “Her state of mind?”

  “Better than I’d expected.” Sam leaned her hip against the railing. “She’s hurt, and she’s scared. Worried about her sister, but that’s not what’s motivating this. Not entirely.”

  Gavin rubbed his hands over his face. “We’ve go
t time, at any rate. She can’t do it right away.” He leveled a reproachful stare on Joe. “You’ve been part of this from the start, Mitchell. You went with them when they brought Brynn back. It’s not surprising she looked to you.”

  Guilt flooded him. “I know. I told her I’d be here if she needed me. But she won’t.”

  “She needs someone strong,” Sam said flatly. “Someone who can handle things, no matter what happens. If this weren’t an emergency, I’d say she couldn’t undergo the change at all. Not with the emotional upheaval. But we all know what’s coming, and she’ll be a target because of Keith and Abby.”

  Joe’s nails dug into his flesh when he clenched his fists again. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Hell, she might have changed her mind by the time she wakes up, anyway.”

  Sam raised her hand in a placating gesture. “Cindy. Cindy could do it.”

  Joe clung to her words like a drowning man. “She’d be perfect. Gavin, you know it’s true.”

  The alpha inclined his head. “Maybe. Like I said, we’ve got time. No one’s rushing into anything like this. No way.”

  “The full moon’s in a week,” Sam agreed. “Under the circumstances I’d say six months is reckless, but she has to wait at least one. In the meantime, Joe, you and Keith make sure she has other methods of defense at her disposal.”

  Joe chewed his thumbnail. “I told her I’d teach her to shoot. It shouldn’t be a problem.” If he could keep his hands off her. “I’ll start as soon as she’s up to it. Keith has a full plate already.”

  Sam nodded. “Get her a gun, and soon. Something she can handle. The alphas from Green Pond and St. Anthony are supposed to be here in a couple days, and no one’s going to have time to worry about gun-safety lessons once the summit starts.”

  “Tomorrow, if she can,” he promised. “I think it’ll make her feel better.”

  Gavin swiveled his head from one side to the other, audibly cracking his neck. “I’ll talk to Cindy before Brynn does. If she doesn’t have time to do it right now, we’re back at square one.”