Still the One

by Belle Calhoune

  “Thanks, sis,” Seth said, turning away from her right after she saw the sheen of moisture in his eyes. “That means a lot to me.”

  After a quick shower and a call in to work about her ankle, Tess dropped Seth off at Breeze Point High School. A modest size, the brick building didn't seem as intimidating as some other massive schools. As Tess pulled up into the circular driveway she spotted a decent number of kids heading into the building. Hopefully, she prayed, it would be a learning, empowering experience for Seth.

  “Later,” Seth said as he grabbed his backpack and jumped out of her Jeep. Without even turning around to wave, he was off.

  “Have a good one,” she called out. She hadn't been prepared for Seth to be so laid back about going to summer school. He'd practically jumped from the car. Who was this person and what had he done with her ornery brother? A moment later she realized why. As she craned her neck to watch, Seth jogged over to catch up with a few girls who were about to head into the building. She felt a huge grin tugging at her lips at the sight of Seth talking to the young ladies. It was exactly what he needed—to be around vibrant kids his own age. “Nicely played, Seth. Nicely played.”

  Right after she headed into work. She'd made arrangements this morning to borrow a pair of crutches from on-site and to answer phones instead of being out on the road with her team. At the moment her ankle wasn't giving her too much trouble, other than the swelling. Throughout the day she looked for Ryder. She felt a little disappointed that he never went out of his way to find her since she was in the back room answering phones. Finally, just as she was punching out for the day, she spotted Ryder by the break room.

  “Hey, stranger. I've been trying to catch up with you all day.” Tess walked towards him on her crutches, making her way over at a fast clip, considering this was her first day with the sticks.

  “How's it going, Tess?” he greeted her. “I had that training for the newbies.”

  “Newbies,” she scoffed. “What do they know?” she teased, picking up on a joke they shared about new hires.

  “Some were better than others,” Ryder admitted, his gaze focused on something in the distance. Hmm. He hadn't even laughed at their running joke. Why wasn't he making eye contact with her? He had a strange look on his face too. Distant. Slightly cold.

  An awkward tension hung in the air between them. Confusion coursed through her. She hadn't been expecting this. After last night she thought they'd reached a place where they could openly share their feelings. After all, Ryder had kissed her on the forehead when she'd been in that netherworld between slumber and alertness. That had to have meant something. Ryder wasn't the type of guy to just murmur sweet nothings if he didn't mean it. Not to mention the kiss of all kisses they'd shared once she'd awoken.

  “Why are you acting weird?”

  “I'm not acting weird. What are you talking about?”

  “Last night you were all...tender...and now you're acting cold, distant.”

  “I don't mean to act like that,” he said in a low voice. He beckoned her to follow him a ways down the hall, presumably where they could talk in private. As it was, several of their co-workers were openly staring at them as they passed by.

  “But you are. You keep looking away from me.” Frustration rang out in her voice. “Is this about last night?”

  He ran his hand through his hair and groaned. “Tess, you're everything to me. But kissing....being tender....we keep ending up crossing the line. And it's wrong for me to kiss you without any strings being attached, without any added meaning to the intimacy.”

  His words floored her. “Are you saying you didn't feel anything last night?”

  Everything stopped and stilled as she waited for his answer. “Not what you wanted me to feel. No.”

  “You could have fooled me.” The words gushed from her mouth. He had fooled her. His actions last night had led her to believe he felt something for her, something deep and profound. Way more than a friend doing her a solid.

  “It was more than a friend being kind and you know it.” All this time she'd been hiding in the shadows, afraid to say what was lying on her heart. And she wasn't crazy either. She knew he felt something more than friendship towards her. She'd felt it for a while now. He was just afraid. And for someone who was considered a hero in this town, it was pretty weak of him.

  “I know that you think you're in love with me.”

  “Think?” she sputtered. “Don't do that—,” she began. “Don't minimize my feelings. I do love you, Ryder. And I have for a very long time. I'm madly, deeply in love with you. I think you love me, too, which is probably a really scary thought after everything you've been through.”

  Ryder began talking over her, as if he wanted to block out what she was confessing. “We spend a lot of time together. We're best buds. Sometimes those lines become blurred.”

  “Don't do this,” she pleaded. “You feel something. I know you do.”

  “How could I not feel something for you? You're the most loyal, funny, down-to- earth person I've ever known.” Tess reached for him. Heading her off at the pass, he clasped her wrists with his hands, preventing her from touching him. “But, we've got a great friendship. I'm not interested in anything more.”

  “Not interested?” A red haze fluttered before her eyes. She opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. “Last night. You kissed me. When you thought I was asleep you kissed me on the forehead and you said ‘my dear sweet Tess’.” She poked her finger in his chest. “My. Dear. Sweet. Tess. Does that sound like something a platonic friend might say?”

  Ryder's face appeared strained. He grimaced. “Yes. Maybe. I don't know. But we are friends, Tess. The best of friends.”

  Tess gritted her teeth and held her hand up. “Don't say another word. Because if you do, I think I might just walk out of here and never come back.”

  “Tess,” he groaned. His handsome features were pulled so tight they seemed on the verge of cracking. “See? It's already happening. The thing I value most in the world is blowing up...us.”

  “Do you hear yourself? You said us. Not our friendship. Us.” She shook her head with a fierceness that frightened her. All her emotions were riding on the surface. She couldn't mask them if she tried. “And if you're too blind to see what's really going on here, then I give up.”

  His face fell. “Give up? On what?”

  “On us. The ‘us’ you refuse to even acknowledge, the ‘us’ that I've just given up on.”

  She leaned heavily on her crutches and spun around to walk away. She felt Ryder's hand clenching her arm. His grip was tight but not in a hurting manner. If felt as if he was trying to anchor her to him. “Tess, don't walk away. Please. That's the last thing I want.”

  She turned towards him, willing herself not to burst into tears. For so long now it had been about Ryder and his feelings. Now, for the first time in a long time, she was fending for herself. It was no longer about him. “I'm not exactly asking for permission. Let go of me.” Her words, spoken in a chilling tone, had the immediate effect she desired. He quickly let go of her arm. After shooting him a withering glare she took off, wanting nothing more than to be anywhere Ryder wasn't.

  Fire was spreading through her heart and her chest. A righteous anger scorched her soul. All this time she'd been holding on to hope. She'd prayed that she might be someone he might be able to fall in love with. She'd been willing to wait for him, however long it took for him to make his way through his grief. She'd been willing to wait until he was ready. Until he realized they belonged together. Until he opened up his eyes and saw the possibilities right within reach. She's witnessed first-hand his devotion to Lena. It had endeared him all the more to her. His faith. And devotion. Till death do us part.

  All the prayer in the world wasn't going to make Ryder see her as the woman he should walk through life with by his side. Even though they'd shared their secrets and dreams, kisses and tenderness, he was still closed off about the possibilities. He was f
lying blind.

  And, she thought angrily, if he was so stuck on stupid then she didn't want him. Not like this! Not when he couldn't admit what he felt for her. Not when her heart was shattering and Ryder wasn't stepping in to pick up the pieces.

  How was she going to make it through this? How could she go to work tomorrow and look him in the eye, all the while knowing he'd rejected her? He didn't want her. He was still fumbling around like a blind person and refusing to see what was right in front of him. For one foolish, optimistic moment she'd been under the mistaken belief that Ryder cared about her. Not just as his best buddy. As a woman. In a romantic way. As someone who he could walk through the rest of his life with, firmly at his side.

  She held her head up as she made her way to the parking lot and settled herself in the driver's seat. You'll get through this. You'll get through this. She repeated the chant over and over. This wasn't the first time she'd had dreams shattered and broken. Every other time she'd picked up the fragile pieces and moved on with her life. This time felt different though. This ache in her soul felt monumental. She didn't know how it was possible to cut Ryder out of her life or to stop loving him, especially when it was the very last thing she ever wanted to do.

  *

  Ever since he'd left work Ryder had been dealing with a sick feeling burning up his gut. He was nauseated. Ill at ease. Tess had been on fire. He hadn't wanted to engage in a full-on argument with her, but things had quickly spiraled out of control. She'd walked away from him after letting him know she was done with him. A chill had raced down his spine when she'd said it, because the very thought of not having her in his life gutted him. His first instinct had been to chase after her, but he didn't want to make a spectacle of either one of them. As the senior paramedic on duty, he couldn't engage in that type of behavior in the workplace.

  Right now, all he could think about was Tess. The look of devastation etched on her face would haunt him as he settled down for the night. Earlier when she'd reached for him, he hadn't wanted to let her touch him. If she had, he wouldn't have been able to say the things he'd needed to tell her. Her sweet, tender touch and big eyes would have melted him on the spot. As he pulled up in front of his parents' house he recognized Remy's new car sitting in the driveway. The sleek black sports car fit Remy to a ‘T’. He was a man who loved beautiful things. Most times, he created beautiful images on canvas and sold them for gobs of money.

  Pushing the front door open he walked into the warm comfort of the Donahue family home. The sound of animated voices drifted to his ears from the kitchen. Normally it would make him smile, but today everything was wearing on him and sitting heavy on his heart. He couldn't even summon the energy to grin.

  For a moment he stood in the kitchen doorway and absorbed the scene before him. Remy was sitting at the kitchen counter gently strumming his guitar as his parents danced slowly around the room. Dance was being a little generous, considering Alec's movements were slow and tentative. Maggie was doing most of the heavy lifting and leading him around the dance floor. Nevertheless, it was beautiful and mesmerizing. Two souls joined as one. It made him ache a little knowing he would never have that sense of belonging to another person.

  He must have stepped on a creaky floorboard and alerted them to his presence, because suddenly all eyes were on him. Remy stopped strumming and his parents halted their fancy footwork.

  “Don't stop on my account,” he said, forcing a smile on his lips.

  “Whass wrong?” His father asked. Although his recovery from the stroke was solid, his father still had some slurred speech and issues with his mobility. His condition was markedly improved from months ago.

  “Nothing's wrong.” The lie sat on his tongue like a venomous snake. He didn't lie to Pops. Not ever. “I'm fine.”

  Remy got up and rested his guitar back in its case. He strode over to Ryder and gave him a hug. When the hug ended Remy looked into his eyes, his stare unrelenting. “You don't look fine. You look shattered.”

  His mother began making a tutting sound as she reached up for a kiss on his cheek. “Talk to Daddy. You need to lean on people. All this hero stuff is fine and good, but sometimes you need to just take a deep breath and lay your burdens down.” She jerked her head in his father's direction. “He's a great listener. I should know. He's been listening to me for over forty years.”

  His mother, with Remy right behind her, quietly left the kitchen. They were about as subtle as a sledgehammer. He loved them all the more for caring about his life and sensing something wasn't right in his world.

  His father went to sit down in one of the kitchen chairs, then patted the one next to him and motioned for Ryder to join him. Once Ryder sat down he raised a finger and pointed it at him. “You're not fine. You know how I know that?”

  He shook his head at his father. “No idea, but I have the feeling you're going to tell me.”

  “You have this little shwitch by your eye. You had the same shwitch first time I ever set eyes on you.” A lopsided grin broke out on his face. A twinkle gleamed in his eyes.

  Ryder knew his father meant twitch, even though the word came out a different way. Some words were still tricky for his father to manage.

  He let loose with an easy laugh. “I remember that day like it was yesterday. I don't think I've ever been more scared in my life.”

  His father crossed his hands over his heart. “Heart was broken. You were scared.”

  He nodded. “Yeah, it was. Losing Nana...it felt like my whole life was over.” Just thinking about being in that hospital room at his grandmother's side as she took her last breath caused a torrent of emotions to rain down on him. In some ways he'd never really connected all the losses in his life. He'd stood by Lena's hospital bed as she too drew her last breath. And now, his heart was breaking all over again about his inability to move on with Tess. Tears misted his eyes and he swept his hand over them. The strain of everything was beginning to wear on him. He couldn't hold it in any more.

  “Son, what is it? I'm here. Talk to me. Tell me whass wrong.” A pleading note rang out in his voice. He was tapping his fist against his chest in earnest.

  He leaned forward in his chair. He steepled his fingers in front of his face. “I blew it, Dad. All this time I've been walking around hiding behind Lena's death, when in reality I'm just afraid.”

  “Afraid? You've never been afraid of anything in your life. Not since we found you.”

  He made a scoffing sound. “Yes, I have. My whole life I've been afraid of losing the people I love. When it happened to Nana I was just a kid, so I couldn't really process it. I packed it away on a shelf because I couldn't handle all the feelings of loss. With Lena it almost felt like my worst nightmare had come crashing back into my life. Now—.” He stopped talking, unsure of what to say about Tess.

  “And now...afraid of loving again. Afraid of losing her. Of loving Tess.”

  He felt his jaw drop. Shock roared through him. “How did you know about me and Tess?”

  “I had a s-s-stroke, son. I'm not blind.” Alec Donahue began chuckling with abandon. Ryder felt himself relaxing, then giving in to his father's legendary sense of humor. It was such a blessing to see him on the mend and rebounding in such a healthy manner. He loved this man more than mere words could ever express. He was the real hero. Not him.

  When their laughter subsided, his father shot him a look filled with questions. “So, you do love her, don't you?”

  Ryder placed his hands on the table and crossed them. “I do, Dad. I love her more than I ever thought I could. I didn't think we were given two loves in a lifetime. For so long she's been my best friend. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost that friendship. She was one of the only people outside of our family that I leaned on after Lena's passing. She makes me laugh and smile. She picked me up when I fell down. I'm happy every single moment she's in my orbit.”

  He frowned, his expression intense. “And you think if the two of you get together this friendship will
be l-lost?”

  “I don't want to lose her.” He held his head in his hands.

  “L-Lose her? Why?”

  He looked up at his father just in time to see the understanding pass over his face.

  “The way you l-lost Nana and Lena, huh?”

  “It's scary to think about it,” he admitted.

  “We don't control that. Only God knows. If you love the woman, why waste another single second without her by your side? If the world ended tomorrow, wouldn't you want to be with her until you took your last breath?”

  His father's words stunned him. They'd come out perfectly, without a single slur or difficulty. The simplicity behind them crashed over him like thunder bolts from the sky. By denying himself a relationship with Tess, wasn't he losing her anyway?

  “And you're going to lose her now if you don't s-speak up. I've seen the way Tess looks at you. She's a woman in love.”

  Lose her. It was the thing he'd been afraid of this whole time, the main reason he'd suppressed all his feelings for Tess in the first place. Although his fear had been rooted in his wife's untimely passing, it all amounted to the same thing. It didn't matter how he lost Tess. It was an unacceptable, unnecessary loss. He would never be completely happy without her by his side.

  How had he ever doubted that they belong together? Being separate and apart from Tess would be torture, plain and simple. Even now he ached for her, body and soul. If she wasn't in his life he would miss seeing her gorgeous face and hearing the tinkling sound of her laughter. It would hurt his heart not to share the latest gossip with her or spring his latest joke on her.

  He shot up from his seat like a rocket. “What am I doing?”

  His father winked at him. “Hope-Hopefully coming to your senses. I'd like to have my first grandchild, sooner rather than later.”