Save Me

by Alexandra Page

  Attack? What the hell is she talking about?

  “I think you need to drop it, Leia,” Cash says.

  No, don’t drop it. I need to know what the hell is going on.

  “I can’t. That’s my brother, and she’s going to be taking care of him. We can all see how they feel about each other. No matter how much they try to hide it. He deserves to know. He needs to know. I knew what was going on with her, and it still freaked me out when she had that attack earlier. No matter how much my heart breaks for her and all she’s been through, no matter how much I know about it, it wasn’t enough to prepare me. Nik will freak the fuck out, and hurt himself even more trying to help her if he doesn’t know what’s happening. I know I sound like an A-class bitch, but I’m only trying to protect both of you,” Leia says.

  “Upsetting him is the last thing I want. You have to know that by now. For the most part, I know when they’re coming, and I can keep him from seeing me that way. I don’t think it’s time, okay?” Ellie tells her, her voice pleading.

  God, I want so bad to get up and go to her, to wrap her in my arms and tell her whatever it is I can handle it, that we can handle it together.

  “You don’t think Nik is going to get mad at you, do you? Are you worried he won’t want you here anymore? Is that it?” Leia asks her.

  “He won’t want me to leave because he’s mad at me, he’ll want me to leave because he’s afraid of me,” Ellie whispers.

  Afraid of her? Why would I ever be afraid of such a tiny thing like her?

  “Ellie, I’m sorry, but that’s crazy. He’s already told you it wasn’t your fault. We all have,” Cash tells her gently. “Your past has nothing to do with what happened last week.”

  “Is this your ‘I’m cursed BS again’? Because that’s what it is, bullshit!” Leia hisses quietly.

  Okay, I’ve had enough.

  I open my eyes and look over at them. Leia is standing against the sink across the room, facing me with her hands on her hips while she stares down at Ellie who’s sitting to her right. I thought Leia would look angry because of the tone of her voice, but she looks worried and sad instead.

  Ellie has her head down as she fiddles with her shirt. I can only see her profile, but it’s very evident how upset she is. There’s a tear sliding down her cheek.

  Cash is to the side of her with his back to me, and he’s rubbing her knee gently. The spike of jealousy I feel seeing that keeps me quiet for another minute.

  “You’re not some harbinger of death, or a black widow, Ellie. You’re just a person who’s had more than her fair share of loss. Way more. You have a chance at a new life, to put all that horror behind you. I wish you’d grab it with both hands and run, that’s all. I know Nik better than anyone. Once he knows everything he’ll feel the same as I do, probably even more so,” Leia tells her.

  I’m surprised to hear the care and concern Leia has in her voice. My sister is not known for her overwhelming compassion, more like the opposite, in fact. It scares me to think what Ellie has been through to make Leia feel that way towards her.

  It has to be bad, much worse than losing a spouse.

  I’m about to let them know I’m awake when Ellie takes a deep, shaky breath. “You have no idea how bad I want to do that. But I’m so scared. I know I’ll never survive it if I give him a chance, and he realizes later he can’t handle me and all my baggage. It really will be the end of me. I don’t know if I can risk what’s left of my heart, or put that kind of pressure on him. He doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve to have to deal with someone so broken,” she whispers as more tears fall.

  “Shouldn’t I get to decide that?” I ask her. She gasps, and her huge eyes lock with mine from across the room. “I think Ellie and I need to talk, guys. Can you give us a few, please?” I ask Leia and Cash, never taking my eyes from hers. They quietly hurry out, shutting the door behind them. Ellie’s terrified and frozen to her chair as she stares back at me. I stretch my right arm out to her, and wave her over with my fingers. “Please, Ellie? Come talk to me. Bring your chair over here, I need you close,” I tell her, hoping it will ease some of her fear, and mine, too. I have no idea what I’m about to hear.

  It takes her a few seconds of deep breathing, but she finally stands up, and drags her chair over, putting it sideways against the bed, and facing towards me. Once she sits down, I hold my hand out for her to take. She looks at me like a scared little rabbit, so unsure of herself and she still has tears in her eyes. All of it makes my heart ache.

  “Please?” I whisper. She reaches up and wipes her eyes, then takes my hand in hers. “Thank you.” Keeping her hand in mine, I rub my knuckles down her cheek. Her eyes close for a few seconds then look back at me with concern.

  “Are you okay? Is your pain all right?”

  I smile softly at her.

  She’s always so worried about me.

  “I feel like a new man. Now that I’m off my back, I’m good for a while. How about you, are you okay?” I know she isn’t, but I feel like I need to ask anyway. She shakes her head, and bites her lip to stop it from quivering. “God, I wish I could hold you right now.” I let go of her hand to cup her face, and rub my thumb across her cheek to wipe away a tear.

  She chokes back a sob and scrambles onto her knees. It doesn’t look very comfortable, but she keeps her knees in the chair as she lays her top half on the bed, gently snuggling against my chest. She puts her head on my arm, then buries her face in my neck.

  It feels so right to hold her, but I’d give almost anything to stop her tears. I just rub her back as much as the awkward position will let me, and kiss the top of her head as she cries.

  “Whatever it is Ellie, I can handle it. I promise you. We’ll handle it together, okay? But you have to tell me what’s going on. I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.”

  “How long were you awake?” she asks, barely above a whisper.

  “Y’all were talking about putting that elevator chair on my priceless staircase,” I tell her, then smile into her hair. “I also heard about a sponge bath I am very disappointed to have missed out on.”

  “Oh, God,” she groans, tucking herself tighter into my neck. I can’t help but laugh at her, but I try to keep it controlled. I don’t want my pain to get in the way of this conversation. “I’m sorry,” she mumbles, her lips and breath moving gently over my skin.

  Now I want to groan.

  “I’m only sorry I was asleep. If you ever want to do it again, I’ll be glad to lay still for you,” I tease her. She pinches my chest lightly in return, going quiet again. “Please talk to me. I promise not to be upset with you, but I need to know who you are. I need to know why you’re here. Why you’re setting your life aside to take care of a stranger. Whatever this is that’s happening between us, I want it,” I say, and squeeze her as best I can. “I want it even more than I want out of this bed, and there’s nothing I want more than that right now. So, please? Talk to me.”

  “My life hasn’t been a good one, Nik.”

  “I’m sorry you lost him.”

  “Not just him. Everyone dies around me. I’m cursed.”

  “I don’t believe that for a second.”

  “How else can you explain that everyone I’ve ever loved has died? My parents and sister, my aunt, my in-laws, my husband…”

  “Everyone? You have no family left at all?”

  “No. They’re all dead. And it’s my fault. I nearly got you, too,” she whispers.

  “Ellie. I know what happened to me wasn’t your fault, and I can’t believe that you’re the reason anyone has died either.”

  She takes a deep, shaky breath. “Somewhere deep down I know that, but it’s hard to believe when you’re the only one left.”

  I kiss her forehead for a long moment. “I’m so sorry. Losing my mom and dad was horrible, I can’t imagine what you’ve been through.”

  “I’m sorry you lost them. I was so young, I’m sure it was harder for you and Leia.�
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  “I don’t know about that. You must have been terrified being so little. How did happen? If it’s okay to ask.”

  “A house fire. I’d been spending the night with a friend so… I moved in with my aunt Maggie after that. She was wonderful. I had her until I turned eighteen when she died of a stroke. I met Josh right after. In the funeral home of all places,” she says with a small huff. “His folks had known Aunt Maggie, and they dragged him to the viewing. He let me grieve for a while, then started coming around to check on me.

  “Six months later I had a ring on my finger, three more and I was a Cochran. I wasn’t alone anymore, I had a family again. It was great for the next four years or so, then Mr. Ezra died. A neighbor saw him lying in the field and called for help, but it was too late. Miss Naomi, sweet soul that she was, was gone six months later. We thought it was only a bad infection, but it turned out she was eat up with cancer. It took Josh a good year to get mostly back to normal. Losing them both so close together was really hard on him. Eventually he started to enjoy running what was left of his parent’s farm. He wanted to feel closer to his dad, he said.

  “We thought the worst was over, that we’d been through the bad times, and it was only going to be good from then on out. And it was good for another year and a half, but I got a bad headache that day, like a migraine. I never got migraines.” Her voice has changed, sounding ghost-like. She’s not here with me, but somewhere in the past. My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach.

  “It should’ve been me. But he went so I could rest. The other man fell asleep at the wheel. The officers said he ran into the back of Josh’s truck. It spun out, then flipped a bunch. He was thrown out… They said it was instant.”

  I gather her as close as I can get her, holding her tight. “I’m sorry, Ellie. I’m so sorry,” I whisper into her hair. How she has survived losing so many loved ones is a miracle. I seriously doubt I could have. Losing Mom and Dad the way we did almost killed me and Leia, but she’s lost everyone she ever loved. I can’t imagine how excruciating it’s been for her to be the only one left behind.

  “I only made it through the funeral thanks to the drugs my friend Brandon gave me,” she whispers. “Once I made it home to my bed, I didn’t leave it for months. Him and Anna, my other friend, kept me alive by making sure I ate at least once a day. They took turns holding me while I cried a million tears, sat with me while I stared into nothingness, or did their best to calm me when the nightmares hit. They would strip me out of clothes that stunk of week old body odor, and put clean sheets on my bed–replacing the old ones that were soaked with sweat–while I took a bath, and thought about drowning myself.”

  What do you say to someone who’s been through that?

  I can’t think of a damn thing, so I try to make up for it by rubbing her back and kissing her forehead again.

  After a few minutes, she lets out a long sigh. “The steel magnolia my aunt Maggie taught me to be is long gone–I’m more of a weeping willow now.”

  “You’re still here, Ellie. After all of that. If that’s not a person being made of steel, I don’t know what is.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m not done with my story yet,” she laughs bitterly.

  God, how can there possibly be more?

  “Brandon and Anna finally had enough of watching me disappear in front of them, so they took me to a place they found in Atlanta called Serenity. It’s a grief treatment center. It took ten months, but they got me back to the land of the living, somewhat. I owe most of that to Vicky. She’s my therapist. We worked for months to get my depression under control, but then the attacks started.”

  “Anxiety attacks? Did I hear Leia say you had one today?”

  “Yeah, and I did. I’ve been having them for a while now. I’ve improved, but no amount of medicine, therapy, or time has completely gotten rid of them.”

  “How many have you had since you got here?”

  “You mean Savannah, or the hospital?”

  “The hospital. Since the robbery.”

  “Eight, nine, twelve. I lose count.”

  Damn, that’s a lot. I don’t know how she stands them. I think I’ve had a few myself this week, and that was a few too many.

  “That’s why you know how to make me feel better when I freak out, isn’t it?” I ask her.

  “Yeah. I’m so sorry you’re having them, but I’m glad I know how to help you.”

  “I’d much rather you not know. Those damn bastards at Starbucks didn’t help, I’m sure.”

  “No, they didn’t, but it seems to have just mixed in with all the rest.”

  Something shifts inside me, and I know without a doubt I’m never letting anything bad ever happen to her again, even if I have to do it from afar. I kiss her head and give her a squeeze. “I’m sorry. Finish what you were saying. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

  “That first week back home was horrible. I had one within minutes of walking into the house. Anna had met me there, and I completely freaked her out. She thought I was having a heart attack. She even called the EMTs. I had a few dozen more before the week was over.

  “Every time I tried to go anywhere in the house except for the living room, kitchen, or bath I would crumple to the floor gasping for air. It was a month before I could handle having company over, and that was only my lawyer, Mr. Hiram. I got him to make sure everything was taken care of and finalized. I had sold everything but our house while I was away–the farm land, my in-law’s place. Part of me wanted to sell our house too, but for some reason I didn’t.

  “Mr. Hiram reminded me that I owned the house here. He had figured that I didn’t want to stay in Tennessee, but didn’t really want to sell it all either, so he suggested I stay here for a while and give myself time to figure things out. I held out another month in Tennessee, sitting there and staring at the walls. I would perk up when Anna and Brandon called or came by, but it was all a farce. I was slipping. I knew I couldn’t keep living like that anymore. It wasn’t a life. I had no desire whatsoever to do anything but disappear.

  “I had tried for almost two years to get past the pain, but it was still a raw, gaping wound inside me, and it was never going away. I didn’t want to stay there, so here I am. I couldn’t end it at home. After all Anna and Brandon did for me, I couldn’t do that to them. So, I packed a small bag, and booked a plane ticket to Savannah.”

  The hair on my neck stands up as I break into a cold sweat. “Are you telling me what I think you are?”

  “Probably. I came here to die, Nik. I was going to kill myself by taking a bunch of sleeping pills. But for some reason, I hadn’t done it yet before I walked into that Starbuck’s,” she whispers.

  I swear my heart has stopped. I kiss her hair, and pull her closer to me. “I’m so glad you didn’t. I’m so glad you’re here with me instead.”

  She sits back, and leans on her elbows so she can see me. I already feel the urge to have her back in my arms, but I do my best to ignore it by holding her hand instead. Right this minute I never want to let her out of my sight again.

  “I think you’re why I didn’t… I’d be dead either way if it wasn’t for you,” she says looking me in the eyes for the first time since she started talking. They’re red and swollen from her tears, making me want to hold her all the more. “You saved me in more than one way last Friday. You saved me physically, but you also saved me here,” she says softly, and puts my hand over her heart. “When I saw you smiling at me that first time, and your eyes were so full of life, it scared me.”

  “Me smiling scared you?” I ask confused.

  “Yeah, because you made me feel something other than fear and pain. You were so gorgeous and happy standing there smiling at me, and I didn’t know whether to run away or drown myself in you. You made me feel things I hadn’t felt in a very long time. You still do,” she whispers.

  “They’re good things though, right?”

  “They are, but I can’t help but be afraid. Everyone I’ve ever cared about
has died and not twenty minutes after I met you, you were laying in my arms bleeding out on the floor. It’s easy to believe that I’m the reason for all the pain and death.”

  “No, Ellie, you’re not. You can’t think like that,” I tell her adamantly as I squeeze her hand. “You didn’t cause any of your family to die, and I’ve already told you it was my choice to protect you. You never asked me to, in fact you begged me not to. I did it because I wanted to.”

  She sits back and rubs her face with her hands letting out a deep sigh, then looks back up at me after a moment, but doesn’t speak.

  “You didn’t tell me how I saved you there,” I say pointing at her heart. “Surely, I didn’t do it by scaring you.”

  She smirks the tiniest bit, but I’m happy to see it. “You’re mostly right, but those feelings are what started it, I think. The hope I saw in your eyes when that asshole was pointing those guns at us, it was another piece. But the biggest was when you risked your life for mine. Without even knowing me you decided I was worth saving. How could I not take that gift and choose to live again? How horrible of a person would I be if I let you save me then turned around and killed myself?”

  “So, you’re choosing to live out of obligation to me?”

  “What? No! That’s not what I meant. Well, at least not completely. You showed me that maybe I was worth saving, that maybe I should live instead of die. I didn’t know it at the time, but the only four people left on this earth that gave a damn about me had given up trying to save me. They told me this week that they knew I was coming here to die, and they were going to let me. They said they didn’t want to see me suffer anymore. I haven’t quite figured out how I feel about that yet,” she says softly.

  She can’t be serious?

  “I can tell you how it makes me feel. It pisses me the fuck off.”

  “Thanks for that,” she laughs quietly. “Anyway, I do feel obligated to help you through this for saving me, but I want to live because you wanted me to, because you thought I was worth saving. I want to live because I think I might have a reason to now,” she whispers.