Save Me

by Alexandra Page

  We sit quietly for a few minutes, him looking around the porch and out at the marshes, me watching him.

  My view is better than his, I think.

  After looking over at Miss Naomi’s daybed swing for a few seconds he turns to me with a hopeful smile. “Do you think you’d like to sit with me on that swing bed thing, and watch the sunset?”

  “Swing bed? That’s one way to describe it,” I laugh. “But, yes, I’ll sit with you. Let me put the dishes in the kitchen first,” I tell him, standing up and gathering our empty plates together. “You’re gonna stay your stubborn ass in that chair until I get back though. We’re not going to the hospital again because you rushed things and got hurt trying to get into a swing, are we?” I ask, giving him a stern look.

  “No, ma’am. I promise I’ll be good and wait right here,” he sighs, but the smirk on his lips ruins it.

  “Thank you. I’ll be right back.”

  It only takes me a couple of minutes to scrape the plates off and leave everything soaking in some hot soapy water to clean later. I pour Nik another tea, slip on my thin sweater, and put his pain pills in my pocket. He’ll be needing them soon. I walk back outside, pleased to see him is right where I left him.

  “Okie doke, the dishes are soaking. You ready?” I ask, reaching for his ankle, but not moving it yet. I usually lift his leg for him if it’s propped up; it still hurts him pretty bad to do it on his own.

  “Ready,” he tells me with a forced smile.

  I stop and look at him pointedly. “The pain meds have worn off, haven’t they?” He nods his head at me. I pull the pills out of my pocket, shaking one into my palm and holding it out to him.

  “Thank you. I swear you’re a mind reader. You always know what I need,” he says, grimacing, then pops the pill into his mouth, washing it down with a big swallow of tea.

  I get up and walk over to stand behind him. Slipping my fingers into his hair I gently rub his scalp. I’m careful not to go near the scar on the right side of his head. We learned real quick he can’t stand to have it touched, it’s still too painful. After a few minutes, I move down to his neck, and lightly massage it until I feel him relax a bit.

  “We can go in, Nik. There’ll be another sunset tomorrow evening, too,” I say hoping to persuade him to get some more rest. Mostly because I don’t want him to hurt any more than he has to, but also because I’m nervous about being on that swing with him. Laying there while we watch the sunset will be one step closer to the point of no return.

  He slowly sits up, pulling away from my hands. “No, I want to stay out here. I’m sick of looking at walls and watching TV. I promise we’ll go in if the pain gets worse. Help me up?” he asks.

  I swallow down my nerves for what seems like the hundredth time today, knowing it certainly won’t be the last time I do it before the day is done, then walk around to help him. Once he’s steady I hand him the crutch, and stay close as he makes his way over to the swing. I hold it as still as I can while he slowly sits down, then help him adjust to a comfortable position. I sort of freeze when it’s my turn to sit down, not sure where to go.

  “Come on, sit right here. On your side facing out,” he instructs me, pointing between his spread thighs. “You can lay your head up here, if you want,” he says, patting the right side of his chest.

  I look at him, my bottom lip trapped between my teeth, praying he doesn’t see me shaking with the storm of emotions that have come out of nowhere, threatening to overwhelm me. He’s looking back at me as if he sees all my fears, and wants to help me battle them. His hand is open, and waiting for me to place mine into it. Suddenly, this isn’t about sitting on a swing with him. It’s about so much more.

  Be brave, you coward. Don’t give into the fear. Don’t run anymore, just stay. Believe in the hope he’s giving you and stay. Stay and give him a chance, give this a chance. Give yourself a chance.

  “Nik?” His name leaves my lips barely a whisper, and I’m not sure if I’m pleading with myself or with him. I’m desperate for an answer either way.

  “I’m right here, Ellie. Take my hand, and I promise it’ll be okay. Trust me,” he whispers back, his promise heavy with much more than an evening swing to watch the sun set.

  More scared than I think I’ve ever been, I slip my hand into his, letting him pull me down to lay with him, fighting back tears the whole time. The tightness with which his arm holds me, and his shaky breath I feel against my hair, tell me he knows the weight of the promise he just made, and how hard it was for me to trust in it.

  “Let it go,” he says softly, kissing my head while his fingers start to play with my hair.

  “What?”

  “The pain, Ellie. You can let it go. I’m right here with you. Just let it go.”

  That’s exactly what I do, letting go so much that I cry harder and longer than I ever have in the arms of a man I’m very quickly falling in love with.

  FREE FALLING

  ~

  NIK

  THE SUN HAS LONG SINCE set and the air has turned moist and chilly, but she’s asleep and I refuse to wake her, no matter how much my body aches, or how loud my bladder is screaming. Sleep must be her only reprieve, and I’m not going to take that from her.

  I don’t think my heart has ever ached for someone else as much as it has for Ellie tonight. How one person can hold so much pain, and still survive, I’ll never know. When I told her to let go earlier I never realized how much suffering she keeps bottled up on a daily basis. It was gut wrenching listening to her sob, and pour out all of that sorrow. She never saw them, but my tears mixed with hers over half the time.

  I was scared for her, afraid she was going to make herself really sick. A heart can only handle so much before it gives up. She’s already been too close to that point before. I can’t stand the thought of her being there again. It scares me that I could lose her when I’ve just found her. It scares me more that I may not be able help her through this.

  I’m not sure I’m strong enough. Not in the ‘I’m a chicken shit selfish bastard’ way, too afraid of someone else bringing me down, or putting a dent in my life, but in the ‘I’m completely unprepared and uneducated’ way. I want to be there for her however she needs me to be, but I don’t know what she needs. I don’t know that holding her, or wiping away some tears is gonna be enough. I felt totally helpless as she cried, and I still do now. I hate it.

  But, as fragile as she seems she’s already stronger than me. I know she is. I’ve lost, but nothing like she has. I can’t honestly say that I handled my grief in the best way either. I threw myself into my work after Mom and Dad died, or laid between a pair of willing thighs if they were available, which I’m ashamed to say I made sure was often.

  How can I be the man she needs me to be?

  I can’t fuck her out of this, not that I want to. Well, I would love to be able to make love to her, but there is no way in hell I’m going to push her in that direction. When and if it happens, it will be her choice. I know I can be strong enough for her in that area, it’s the other ones I’m most worried about.

  I don’t know the first thing about how to help her through a panic attack, or bring her out of those times when she leaves this world behind. Not that I blame her for leaving, I would have been gone long ago if I was her, either dead or locked away in some hospital.

  I want nothing more than to protect her from any and everything that dares to cause her another ounce of pain or fear. If I could find a way to erase all she has already suffered, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Even if that meant giving her back her husband and never seeing her again. I’d let her go if it meant she never had to hurt again. No one as beautiful as her should have to feel this much agony. It makes me angry. Furiously so.

  Why her? What did she ever do to deserve this? What could anyone possibly do to deserve the cruel hand she’s been dealt? Not a damn thing, if you ask me.

  She deserves all the happiness in the world, everything she could dream of should b
e hers. But, I can’t bring people back from the dead for her, or erase the past. I can only be here for her now. I’m going to be, too, even though I’m afraid I’ll fail her miserably.

  I want to find every way possible to make her smile, to put happiness back in her life for the rest of her days. I want to make her laugh so hard she cries happy tears and her sides hurt. Those should be the only kind of tears and pain she should ever have to deal with. I want to soothe her fears, make her forget what those torturous panic attacks she has ever felt like. I don’t want her to ever be afraid of the past or future again.

  More than that, I don’t want her to be afraid of love. I want her to have love again, to feel love again. I want her to love me the way I…love her.

  Do I love her?

  I think I might, but I’ve never been in love before, how would I know?

  I’ve never felt anything close to what I feel for Ellie with anyone else, I do know that. Not even Mom and Dad, or Leia. Certainly not any of the women who’ve taken me into their beds over the years. They were nothing but a way to ease my baser needs. I never wanted to be around any of them for more than a couple of hours.

  God, I’m such a manwhore.

  What’s Ellie going to think of me when she finds out about all of them?

  I can’t help but shudder thinking about it, so I’m not going to right now. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it, and I hope like hell that’s a long way off, or never would work, too.

  Things with Ellie are so much more than simple lust. A couple of hours in her presence would never be enough. I don’t like the thought of her even leaving my sight.

  She was a perfect stranger to me three weeks ago, then I saw her standing there smiling and blushing, and my whole world was turned on its head. It boggles my mind how quickly she has come to mean everything to me. My every thought, action, and word centers on her.

  Maybe that’s obsession and not love?

  I don’t know. I don’t want her to be an obsession, she deserves better than that. Much better. I wish I trusted my feelings or knew someone I could ask to help me figure them out.

  Leia avoids love like the plague. She’s useless in this endeavor.

  Cash thought he was in love once. He wouldn’t trade his little princess for anything in this world, but he swears love is bullshit. He’s a lust man now, through and through.

  Mom and Dad would know how to help me. If they were still here I’d be on the phone this very minute asking their advice. I miss them more than I ever have right now, but, I’m stuck with figuring this out on my own.

  I think I’m just going to let whatever this is I’m feeling continue, and see where it takes me. I’m pretty sure I won’t regret it. I may not know if it’s the real thing yet, but I do know there are many things I already love about Ellie.

  I love her smile, and the way seeing it makes my heart beat faster, and that I can’t help but smile back at her. I love her laugh. I’ve only heard it a few times, but I want to hear it every day. I love how caring she is. The way she runs her fingers through my hair when I get agitated about things, or need some comfort. The way she always seems to know what I need before I do. I love to feel her soft lips pressed against my cheek, the way it makes my stomach feel like I’m on a roller coaster, and mostly because I feel it in my heart instead. I love when she holds my hand, and I forget the pain my body is in. I love how her smell makes me feel at home. I love my name when it falls from her lips. I love her eyes, and how expressive they are even though she doesn’t want them to be. I love how the sunlight played with her hair today, making it shine a dozen shades of gold. I love her strength and courage, they make me want to be a better man for her. I love her tender, bruised heart that hasn’t given up on life.

  Maybe I really do love her?

  I know I felt something when she put her trust in me a couple of hours ago. She was terrified. I could see it in her eyes, but she chose to face it, and took one of the steps needed to overcome those fears. She chose to let me be beside her as she did, too. I can’t help but love her bravery, especially when she has to fight so hard for it. I may very well love her already, but I’m not worthy of her. I’m going to do my best to change that though.

  She starts to squirm and make little noises, it’s cute. “No. No, don’t leave,” she begs, sounding pitiful enough to make my heart ache again.

  Okay, maybe it’s not so cute.

  “Shhhhh, Hummingbird. It’s okay. I’ve got you,” I whisper, hoping to soothe her back to sleep.

  She calms down for a second, but then suddenly slides down my body, burying her face in my stomach, latching onto me with a death grip. “Come back! Don’t take him, please don’t take him.”

  “Shhhhh, Ellie. You’re just dreaming, you need to wake up. Wake up, and it’ll go away,” I try to reason with her, which is stupid, she’s not awake to hear me.

  “No! No, he’ll die!”

  She starting to thrash now, and I’m cursing my broken body that can’t move enough to help her. I want to pick her up, and hold her like she needs. Instead, I take my good leg and wrap it around both of hers to keep her from kicking my bad one. It feels selfish, but if I let her hurt me it won’t help the situation.

  “Not Lucas! Please, no,” she sobs and claws at my shirt.

  Lucas? I swore she said her husband’s name was Josh.

  “Ellie! Wake up. Please wake up.” I shake her rougher than I want to. It doesn’t do a damn thing, unfortunately.

  “Nik! Nik, no! You can’t die. Don’t leave me, too. Please, don’t leave me. Please!” she wails.

  God, she’s breaking my heart.

  I brush her hair away from her face, and start tapping her cheek pretty hard, I don’t want to, but I’ve got to wake her up from this nightmare. “Ellie! Wake up!” She suddenly sucks in a huge gasp of air, and her body freezes stiff. “It’s okay, Ellie. I’ve got you, it was just a nightmare. It’s over now,” I whisper, while I run my hand over her head and back, hoping I’m not scaring her even more. She goes limp against me then begins to shake. “Shhh, Hummingbird. It’s okay now. It’s over,” I keep whispering to her, never stopping my gentle touch.

  A few breaths later she bolts up off the swing, scaring the shit out of me. She goes over to the porch railing standing there for a minute, roughly wiping at her face. Before I can ask if she’s okay, she’s back in front of me holding her hand out. “I’m sorry about that, come on, we need to get you inside,” she sputters, her voice shaky and quiet.

  “It’s okay, Ellie. Are you all right? Maybe you need to sit back down for a while,” I suggest softly.

  “I’m fine, Nik,” she snaps, “Take my hand. You don’t need to be out here in the cold, it’s not good for your broken bones.”

  I don’t want to go inside. I want to hold her, but I can see the desperation in her eyes as they look back at me. She doesn’t want my pity. She needs me to let it go, so I will. I put my hand in hers, and pull myself up, doing my best not to let her see how much it hurts. Being stuck in one position while cold wet air soaked into my bones has not been good for me.

  I take my crutch from her, and grit my teeth when I take my first step and a bolt of pain shoots up my leg. I refuse to upset her even more by asking for the wheelchair, so I just move as slow and lightly as I can.

  Once we make it to the hall I turn to look at her. “I need to go to the bathroom.” She nods her head and waits by the door, closing it behind me once I’m inside. I do my business, wash my hands, and ease back out. She’s standing inside my bedroom. There’s a glass of water, and a bottle of pills on my nightstand already. I go in and head towards the bed to sit down, but she stops me.

  “Let me help you with your shorts before you sit,” she says, her voice emotionless.

  I stand still, leaning my weight on the crutch, and let her pull them down my legs. She helps me step out of them, leaving me in my boxers and t-shirt. You’d think I would be having trouble keeping my urges in check since she’s
on her knees in front of me, but I’m not. She’s hurting, and it only makes me hurt for her. Not to mention the pain I’m in. Sex is last thing on my mind.

  She stands back up and motions for me to sit. After she takes my crutch and leans it against the wall she comes back and stands between my legs, unhooking my sling so she can take it off. Once that’s done we very slowly and carefully work together to pull off my shirt off. After it’s gone she gets my sling back on with the efficiency of a seasoned nurse, then picks up the glass of water and hands it to me. Next comes a pain pill that she drops in my open hand and waits for me to wash down, before taking the water back from me.

  I’m hoping she’s done being nurse now, but she turns and gets the supplies out to clean my pins. Again, we both stay silent as she kneels at my feet, and goes through the routine of cleaning then drying each one. I watch her numbly stand, and throw away the used pads. I can’t take the silence and impersonal act we’ve got going on anymore. I reach out and take her hand in mine when she gets close enough. I’m not surprised when she flinches, or by the ache I feel in my heart seeing her do it.

  “Ellie? I’m here. I swear I’m not trying to push you, but I want you to know I’m here. Whatever you need. I told you last week that nothing would make me walk away from you, I meant that,” I tell her softly, rubbing my thumb over the back of her hand.

  Watching her stare at the floor while she bites her lip, and a tear slides down her cheek, I have the overwhelming urge to tell her I love her. I know it now, there’s no more doubt. I love this beautiful, strong, courageous woman in front of me. I love her with every ounce of my soul, nothing but her peace and happiness matter to me anymore. I know she’s not ready to hear those words from me though. I’ll keep them safe for her until she is.

  “It’s okay if you don’t want to stay with me right now, I understand, but will you let me at least hug you goodnight?” I ask her, hoping if I can get her in my arms it will give her some comfort.