Sounds of Yesterday

by Pacheco, Briana

  I head into the Student Center and find Starbucks. It will have to do for now. I grab my phone as I wait in line, and see a text from Declan. They’ve been avoiding me all day since they left this afternoon.

  Declan: Got home 15 min ago, Mom is acting weird

  Me: That’s normal. My day has been O.O

  The person in front of me moves up a few inches. I dial Declan’s number and wait for my brother to make this day seem less crazy.

  “Miss me already?” Declan answers, his cocky attitude now present.

  I’ve missed him so much he’ll either be embarrassed or feel privileged if I really told him.

  “Yeah because I didn’t already live here.” I look down at my white colored toenails and sigh. “Dec, everything about today was perfect.” Until I got the surprise of my life. I really don’t know if I should feel honored or panicked with how far Alex took this. He had his dad pull strings to have him enroll here, living in my building. That is some serious thinking. If I didn’t know Alex the way I do, I might be really freaked out that my body will be found in alligator infested waters.

  “Then why the long face?” Declan asks. I roll my eyes because he knows me. He doesn’t have to be standing in front of me to know I’m not smiling. “And don’t roll your eyes at me. I–”

  “Is that Emily?! She called you? Let me talk to her! Declan … no … give … phone … grounded!”

  I laugh as Mom and Declan apparently fight over his phone. I can’t decipher anything else she says but hearing her say he’s grounded is hilarious. Mom can never ground a twenty-one-year-old. That only worked when we were younger. Now Declan drinks. We have considered him an official man since May. I can’t believe I missed his birthday.

  “Mom! Chill out.” Declan sighs into the phone and says, “She’s staring at your piano so she’s getting all emotional.”

  My heart squeezes in my chest. I’ve been gone for five months but the day I officially move into college is when she has the emotional break.

  It’s expected. It wouldn’t be normal if she were calm about this.

  “Let me talk to her.” Not a second after I speak, Mom is hyperventilating into the phone. “It’s okay, Mom. I’m fine. Relax. Deep breaths.” Oh, the irony.

  “It’s just…my baby girl…is all grown up.” She sniffles and I try to hold back the urge to cry. “I’m so proud of you, Emily. You’re doing so great.”

  My new therapist, Christine, is helping. I met her two months ago and she’s been great. I think I needed a female therapist. Not to be sexist but she understands me somewhat better than my first one (the prick) did. She didn’t dive into the rape the first session. We didn’t even talk about it yet. Her first words were ‘Why Florida?’ and I cried. Because I asked Alex that question last year. I cried and she let me. No judgments. Just patience.

  “What can I get you?” the barista asks me.

  I tell her my order and go back to Mom. “I needed this. This space. It really helped.”

  Starbucks is kind of full and I really don’t want to be talking about this so I ask her what she’s making for dinner instead. She says ‘pizza’ and I smile. Of course. When Mom has an off day, take-out is the answer for everything.

  “Okay, Declan is getting teary-eyed. I should let you go. Call me tomorrow. Or I can call you. No, I don’t want to wake you up. Call me in the morning. I’ll be waiting. No...wait! Call me before you go to bed! Yes! Do that.” When is she going to breathe?! “We love you, sweetie. So much. So, so, so, so much.”

  The phone crackles on their end and Declan is back on. “I’m teary-eyed over not having real food, FYI.”

  “Yeah, yeah. I’m not important,” I say sarcastically.

  The barista calls out my name so I grab my iced coffee. I scowl at it because it’s not Dunkin’. This is going to be super strong and taste like shit but it’s coffee. It will have to do.

  Declan’s silent for a second before he says, “Em, you’re the most important person I know.” As I reach for my coffee, the tears break through. Declan isn’t an emotional person but he does love me. To hear that…it warms my heart. “I miss you.”

  I miss my family so much. “I miss you, too.”

  I hang up, wipe my eyes, and turn around.

  I slam into a wall, causing my coffee to be crushed against my chest. I feel the ice slide down my shirt and into my bra. Coffee runs down my arms, making a pool around me on the floor. I don’t yell because the coldness of the coffee on my skin is actually soothing.

  That is until I look up. “Unbelievable.” I throw my hands up then shove Alex out of my way. He really can’t leave me alone? Just this once. He doesn’t get that I need time to process that he’s going to be around more often?

  People around me step back and an employee calls out that he’ll get it.

  I storm out of Starbucks and head back to the dorms. I’m done exploring this campus if he’s going to follow me everywhere. And I’m soaked in coffee. I need a shower before I start licking myself clean.

  I curse Alex out in my head for three minutes until he’s calling my name, running towards me. I look back and find him with a new iced coffee in his hands. “Wait.” He jogs in front of me, causing me to stop short. “I didn’t mean for that to happen. I just walked in and you walked into me.” He holds out the coffee as a peace offering. I stare at it not knowing if I should take it. “I want to talk to you. Please.”

  I lick my lips and cross my arms over my wet chest. “What is there to talk about? I left and–”

  “You left and I hated you for it. Like, fucking loathed you…”

  And there it is. My eyes snap to his with his confession. I’ve never wanted to hurt a person but looking at him now, seeing the truth in his eyes, I hate myself for hurting him. I’m glad he felt that way towards me because I deserved every ounce of hate he felt. We had this special connection and I severed it without hesitation. I wanted to be free. I needed to get away. I was a heartless bitch on a mission.

  “Then why are you here if you hate me?”

  Alex steps closer and I watch his lips curl up slowly. “I don’t hate you. I did…because that was a fucked up thing to do but I missed you, Em. I missed you so much I felt like I was suffocating more each day that I knew you weren’t coming back.” He brings his free hand to my face but doesn’t touch me. I watch his eyes dance over my face. He moves his hand up higher and lightly taps my nose. “I’m sorry for coming off as a super stalker today. Seeing you made me go stupid. I didn’t know what to say or do.”

  I have so many things to say, so many feelings to express but none of them feel adequate for this moment. My heart is pushing everything away just knowing he’s here. I go stupid with him so close.

  I take the coffee and bring the straw to my lips. The coffee melts on my tongue, apparently causing my mouth to word vomit, and force old memories to come to the surface. “Don’t go stupid. I liked you for your brains.”

  He tsks and says, “Huh, I thought it was for my body.”

  A laugh escapes my throat. I missed him so much. “It totally was.”

  He knows it wasn’t.

  “Are you heading back to the dorms?” he asks when we continue to stand still, life moving around us.

  “Yeah. And I guess we can walk together. It’s less creepy than you following me.” I take another sip of the coffee and make my legs move.

  I’m walking ‘home’ with Alex.

  This day was nothing like I had planned.

  Chapter 11

  I finish my coffee before we get to the dorms. Alex and I take the stairs this time. Maybe the exercise helped clear my mind or it was just Alex in general but I can’t be mad at him right now for what he did. The hopeless romantic still left in me finds that to be the sweetest thing a person can do.

  “Does your family hate me?” I ask, staring down at the stairs. The Sawyer’s are wonderful, genuine people, and the fact that I could have destroyed whatever relationship we had, saddens me. Espe
cially now because Alex was supposed to go to Princeton. His family moved to Boston to be closer to their children when they’re off to college. Boston was the winning choice. It’s that close to New Jersey. Florida and I were never in their plans. Not until I was. Everyone loves them because they’re famous. I love them because they’re real. They took me in like one of their own and I will never forget that.

  “The truth?” Alex stops at the top of the stairs on our floor and turns to me. I nod. “No. Well, McKenna had a few choice words but she was just being the older sister.”

  I nod again, not knowing what to say. I connected with McKenna when she came home for a few days during her breaks. She wanted to know who the girl that turned her brother into a softie was. She interrogated me for two hours, just to see if I was using Alex because of his last name. When she finally made me cry, we went out for ice cream. Pistachio ice cream will always keep the tears away. I was an emotional person and she felt bad about it so I had two cones. Which I paid for. I didn’t want her to think I was mooching off her.

  “Alex…” I let my head fall back as I take a deep breath. I look forward, holding his eyes. “I’m sorry for leaving. I really am. I just had to. It was suffocating and I felt trapped. Everywhere I looked, something reminded me of...all the bad things. I was going to break. I felt myself slipping even further and–”

  “It’s okay.” Alex leans against the railing, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “I see it now. We didn’t let you breathe. I’m sorry for always hovering but I missed you, Em. No one knew why you shut us out. We were worried and then knowing…” He runs a hand over his jaw and drops his head. “I was in that house and I couldn’t fucking help you.” He looks up with wet eyes and my heart breaks. It cracks in half, bleeding out as I watch the pain in his eyes.

  “Alex.” I step toward him, wanting to tell him it’s not his fault. It’s no one’s fault except for Pierce’s.

  “I only ever wanted you to be happy. Safe. And I couldn’t even do that.”

  I take his face in my hands and make him look at me. “It wasn’t your fault.”

  “If I didn’t drink–”

  “I drank. If I didn’t drink as much as I did, I would have been stronger. I would have been able to fight him off. That wasn’t on you.” I wipe away the tears falling down his cheeks. “Please, never think it was your fault.” The music was too loud too. No one would have heard me regardless. They were all downstairs. Drunk and high.

  His arms snake around my waist and he pulls me close, my head falling on his shoulder. “Is this okay?”

  A choked sob escapes my mouth. “Please stop asking. Just do whatever you want.” I don’t want to verify what’s okay and what’s not. I just want someone to understand what I need and do it. I don’t want to be plagued by what happened. I want to be...normal.

  We stay like this until his eyes are dry. When he pulls away, his hands still on my waist, I run my hand through his hair and he smiles. He looks more like himself with that smile. “I missed you so much, Em. Even when I had you, I was stupid and kept a distan–”

  “Shh.” I place my finger against his lips, silencing him. “Let’s not bring that up, okay? It happened and it’s done.” He closes his eyes and nods.

  I take him in, my heart coming back together with every breath he takes.

  All my thoughts of being away from him seem foolish now. Having him here, holding onto me, I don’t want to lose it. I don’t want to give up on something so special. I think I grew enough to be close to someone again. It doesn’t even have to be romantic. I just need to connect to someone. To Alex.

  And it helps that Alex makes my heart happy.

  Alex opens his eyes slowly and reaches for my hand, moving it from his mouth, lacing our fingers together.

  I speak before he can. “Why are you here?” His brows furrow when I continue. “Are you dating someone? I don’t know if I’ll overstep or something so–”

  “I don’t have a girlfriend.” He stands up straight, serious as ever. “Em, I’m here for you. I don’t want anything from you except you. As long as I get to see you and talk to you, I’ll be fine.”

  Isn’t that what all they say though? Men know how to convince women into doing stupid things. They feed on our weaknesses. I’ve watched Dad do it to Mom plenty of times. I won’t be pressured. Alex wouldn’t do that but I thought I’d never leave him behind and I did.

  I bite my lip, trying to find a way to bring this up. Just put it out there! “Alex...I don’t know if I’m ready for sex yet.” I don’t add ‘with you’ because I don’t want him to start thinking about why we haven’t done anything after. He starts to open his mouth but I keep talking. “There are thousands of chicks in this–”

  “I don’t want thousands of chicks. I want you. And I can wait.” His lips curl up into a small smile and his eyes, they warm me from the inside out. “You’ve been in my dreams since you left. Looking at you, talking to you, it makes me happy again.”

  That was perfect.

  Alex steps to the side and walks to the door, pulling it open. He still has my hand in his. I don’t think he’s letting go anytime soon.

  We walk toward my dorm room. As I’m about to open the door, I stop short when I hear sexy giggles coming from inside. I know the types of giggles my best friend makes and those ones are ‘we’re busy, come back later’ giggles. She really couldn’t wait. She saw him last week.

  Alex walks past me to the door on my left. His dorm room. He opens it and says, “You can stay with me for a bit.” He holds out his arm for me to enter.

  I eye him suspiciously as he waits for my decision.

  “You planned this,” I deadpan.

  “I did, because I didn’t know putting Zach and Sophie together would end up with them having sex and you being locked out for a bit.” Alex crosses his arms and holds his foot out to keep the door open. “I was by myself when I ran into you at Starbucks. I needed to be away from that. They missed each other.”

  I missed him and we’re not going at it.

  I blush at the thought.

  Just stop, Em. You’re embarrassing yourself.

  I walk toward him slowly, looking into his dorm room. It’s the same setup like ours only his is the opposite. He has the first room so his roommates’ room looks like mine. I walk inside, finding everything put away. They work fast, that’s for sure. Sophie and I still have a lot of things to organize. Knowing Alex, he probably had everything set up here days ago so he could plan how to stalk me perfectly.

  “What are we going to do?” I ask, turning when the door closes shut. “I need to take a shower.” All my clothes are in my room. And I am not showering here. It feels weird. From feeling angry, conflicted, severely confused, and then somewhat happy to elated over having Alex show up, taking a shower with him here doesn’t seem like the right thing to do. I really do lose all mental capacity around him.

  “Do you want one of my shirts for now?”

  A shirt that I will most definitely steal. “Okay.” Why is it that he makes thinking hard? I should be mad that he’s here but I can’t seem to feel anything other than cared about. He moved down here for me. He better think of his degree first but it’s sweet that he did this.

  He walks to his closet and grabs a t-shirt. When he hands it over, I run my fingers over the fabric. It’s something I always did.

  Alex grabs his laptop, taking his time setting up whatever he’s doing. I bring his shirt to my nose and inhale when he’s not paying attention to me. It smells like clean laundry and for a split second I want to ask him to give me the shirt on his back instead because it’s warm and smells like him. I change into his shirt like a ninja when his back is to me. I’m sticky but I smell like coffee. It can be worse.

  Alex walks to his bed and crawls into it until his back is up against the wall. He chose the one to my right. Behind that wall is my bed. “I know what you’re thinking.” He pats the spot beside him and holds out his earphone. “I did go all st
alker on you. I know your bed is behind this wall.”

  I wouldn’t expect anything less.

  Now, when I study, play music or go to sleep, I’ll think of him being behind this wall.

  I sigh and walk over to him, taking the spot beside him. He starts up Netflix as I get comfortable. “You’re lucky I like you or I would call campus security.”

  He looks at me with a cocky grin. “You’re lucky I like you or I would lick you. You smell like coffee and it’s tempting.” It’s his addiction.

  I glance at him, my eyebrow rising. “You’re so weird.”

  He closes his eyes and inhales, his body shaking in...pleasure. “Delicious.”

  I break out into a belly laugh when he does.

  What is happening right now?

  Almost a year ago today, he walked into my homeroom, completely changing my world. So much has happened and yet, here we are, watching a movie on Netflix, just like old times.

  Chapter 12

  Everywhere I look, I see beach umbrellas, women in bikini’s, men in swimming trunks, and abs. Lots and lots of abs. Sure I’ve been to a beach before but holy mother of god, this is nothing like I’ve witnessed. South Beach is the livelier part of Miami Beach so Sophie dragged me down here. I would much rather sit under a palm tree and watch the ocean from there but she wants to people watch with a better view.

  It’s hot and so humid today, which is typical August weather, and with classes starting Monday, we decided to have a little fun over the weekend. After some beach time, we’re heading to Ocean Drive and picking a place to eat.

  “It amazes me how hairy some people are.” Sophie lies back on her elbows and nods toward an older man walking down by the water. “He is covered in it but he looks hot.” She throws a wink my way.

  I eye the hairy guy who must be in his mid-forties. Without thinking about all the hair, I look beyond his green swimming trunks. It’s the only piece of clothing he’s wearing so there’s not much else to look at unless you eye-fuck the guy. His arms look hard, muscles protruding and flexing as he uses his hand as a shield from the sun. His body is fit, there is no doubt about it. He turns our way for a split second and I count a six...no, eight pack.