Pew! Pew! - Bad versus Worse
Page 45
Back on the deck, Academy security finally made it through the door and began firing at the ship. Lieutenant Bravhart came through last, more than a little out of breath from all the running. “Stop shooting, you morons! Those are still students on board. And one of them is The Admiral’s son!”
The security guards stood down and watched as the ship puttered away.
***
“Sensors indicate there are seventeen Galactic Alliance Patrol ships converging on our location.” C.O.R.A. said.
“How’s the weapons situation, Shannon?” Asked Johnnie.
“Non-existent,” she replied.
“Don’t worry gang. I’ll figure something out. I always do. Right, Reg?”
“Uh…actually you usually get caught, then your dad bails you out.”
“Yeah. Not gonna happen this time, unfortunately.” Johnnie pointed at a small object on the view screen. “Wait, what’s that? Magnify that object.”
C.O.R.A. tapped a few buttons. The view jumped to a close up of the object, which turned out to be a mammoth creature that appeared to be swimming through space. “I can’t believe it. There’s our way out.”
“A space whale?” Shannon asked.
“A space whale.” Johnnie replied with a big grin.
“Space whale is not an accurate term for that species. Star leviathans actually bear only a superficial resemblance to the cetaceans that formerly populated earth’s oceans.”
“Guess what, C.O.R.A.?”
“I believe the correct response is ‘What’?”
“Nobody cares. Nobody.”
Tonga raised his hand. “Actually, I—”
“No time for discussion, we need to do this.” Johnnie flew the ship closer to the leviathan and cut the engines.
“What are you doing?”
“The engines will scare it off, but when it senses our lifeforms aboard, it’ll gobble us right up as a light snack.”
Everyone responded together. “What?”
Johnnie pointed to the creature on the screen. “We’re going to get eaten by that space whale—”
“Star leviathan.” C.O.R.A. corrected.
“...space whale, and then we’ll float right out of this system in its tummy with the Patrol none the wiser. Then, when we’re safely out of range of their sensors, we just wait for it to open its mouth and zip right back out. Piece of cake.”
“So you’ve done this before?” Shannon asked.
“Of course I have! What do you think, I’d just—”
Reg interrupted with a suspicious tone. “Johnnie?”
“Okay, I saw it in a holo-flick when I was a kid. The Fast and the Frakulous XXCLXVIII. Always wanted to try it. It looked so cool.”
Shannon fumed. “You’re going to put our lives in danger by allowing us to be eaten by a giant space creature based on a film you saw as a child, and you have no idea if it will actually work?”
Johnnie shrugged. “Well, when you put it that way...”
“I think we should—” Reg was cut off.
The space creature opened its maw and swallowed the ship whole in one gulp. Everyone was thrown around the bridge as the ship shook, the lights flickered, and the view screen went from showing the inside of the monsters’s mouth to pitch blackness.
Johnnie was the first one to pick himself up off the floor. “Seriously! Why don’t they put freaking seat belts on these things?”
“Because it’s easier to treat broken bones and contusions than someone who has been sliced in half.” Tonga answered matter-of-factly.
“Huh. Never thought of it that way. Well, that was a little rougher than I expected, but as you can see, we’re now safe and sound inside this nice, cushiony whale stomach. And as a bonus, we’re going to save on fuel while we hitch a ride. It probably would have been a good idea to top off the tank before we left. My bad.”
The others managed to pick themselves up off the floor as well, checking themselves and one another for injuries. “Okay, so now you’re saying we’re low on fuel on top of everything else?”
“Just great.”
“Frankly, I think you all owe me an apology.”
“Let’s see if this crazy idea pans out before we go too far with the praise for it.”
“What do we do now?”
Johnnie sat down in the captain’s chair and leaned back. “Now, I’m going to take a well-deserved nap.”
Chapter Five
Johnnie awoke to a deafening rumbling sound. “What is that?”
“Uknown.” C.O.R.A. tapped away at her console.
The ship started to shudder and Johnnie sat up. “Can you turn on the exterior floodlights?”
The android turned on the outside lights and the view screen and portholes were filled with the sight of a brown and gray substance pressed up against them on all sides.
“Does anyone else smell anything?”
“Yes, and it’s getting worse.”
“Where’s that coming from?”
“Out there, I think.”
“But odors can’t travel through space.”
“We’re not in space.”
“That is correct. Sensors indicate we are in the star leviathan’s intestinal tract,” C.O.R.A. said.
“What?”
“And there is an enormous amount of pressure on the ship’s outer hull.”
The ship continued to vibrate and shudder as it slowly moved backward through the brownish sludge.
“Are you saying we’re about to be—”
“Yep. Your space whale’s taking a big ol’ dump, and we’re the stars of the show,” Reg said.
Suddenly they found themselves launched back out into space, travelling at breakneck speed, but blinded by the fecal matter covering all of the ship’s windows and cameras.
Johnnie grabbed the piloting controls. “Give me some help here. My sensors are all jacked up. Where are we?”
“We appear to be headed into a star.”
“A star? How the hell did that happen?”
“You may find it interesting that star leviathans are actually very intelligent creatures. They tend to relieve their bowels near stars so that their waste material will be caught up by the gravitational forces and incinerated rather than just floating around in space as a possible nuisance.”
“Interesting? Interesting? We’re the waste material! We’re the nuisance!” Johnnie turned to Reg. “Why won’t the engines start?”
“The intakes and exhaust ports are all clogged with—”
“Okay, okay, I get it. How do we clear them out?”
Reg shrugged. They were all at a loss.
Johnnie snapped his fingers. “Spacewalk. Someone’s going to have to do a spacewalk.”
Shannon looked at the sensors. “Yeah, if we’re not able to blow it out. It’s really stuck in there.”
“It would take someone incredibly strong to be able to clean those things out,” Johnnie added.
Everyone looked at Tonga. He bowed his head and sighed. “I believe I would rather be incinerated.”
“Look, you can take a sanitizer bath when you get back in. You can’t let us all die. And if we don’t do it soon, it’ll be too hot out there for any of us.”
Tonga stood silently and walked to the doorway of the bridge. He stood there for a moment, then turned and the door closed behind him.
“Why would it take someone incredibly strong to do it?” Reg asked.
Johnnie shrugged. “Eh. Maybe. Maybe not. Why take chances, am I right?”
***
Commandant Lords sat in his office popping antacids like candy. He took another swig of whisky just as his desk console beeped, indicating that a video-conferencing call was coming in directly to his office. “About time.” He tapped the button to answer without looking at the screen. “This better be good. Have you captured that—” He froze as soon as he finally glanced at the screen, his hand starting to shake and a trickle of sweat immediately forming on his forehead.
“A-admiral. I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize it was you. I was—”
“Drinking on the job as usual, I see.” The Admiral squinted at him and frowned.
Lords quickly put the cap back on his whisky bottle and threw it back into a drawer. “Just a...tiny little shot for...medicinal purposes, I assure you. I have this tickle in my throat, and I of course don’t want to miss any work. Can’t have any down time, right, sir?”
“Shut up. You’re babbling again. I hate it when you babble. I got a message about my son, and I was wondering what was going on over there.”
“I’m sorry that someone troubled you with that, sir. I know full well that you told me not to bother you any more when little Johnnie was acting up, so I didn’t call you myself. Perhaps someone else in the office didn’t realize—”
“Cut the shit, Dick. Is my son in trouble or not?”
“There was a...slight incident this morning, sir. But it’s been taken care of, sir. I’m handling it, just like you told me to.”
“That’s what I’m worried about. Do whatever you need to, but make sure nothing gets out about it. I don’t need the entire galaxy knowing my own son is knee-deep in shit again.”
***
Tonga stood on the outside hull of the ship with his spacesuit on, his magnetic boots the only thing preventing him from flying off to his eventual death. The entire surface of the ship was covered in disgusting brown sludge, and the only thing Tonga could imagine would be worse would be if he got sick inside his own helmet. He tried not to think about it as he approached the main intake.
He reached the large opening and reached inside, grabbing as much of it as he could and throwing it off into space. Then he went on to the next intake, and repeated the process. Finally, he cleared out the last exhaust port and tapped the communication control on the side of his helmet. “I have completed my...task. I am approaching the airlock now.”
The airlock opened and he stepped inside. Once the door had closed and the pressure and oxygen had stabilized, the inner hatch opened. Reg and Shannon recoiled at the smell.
When Tonga removed his helmet, he gagged. He called the bridge over the ship’s intercom system. “This had better have been worth it.”
Johnnie responded over the comm. “If nothing else, this has been a real, y’know, bonding experience.”
“Shut up and start the engines.”
“Right.”
***
On the bridge, Reg attempted to start the engines again. They made a churning sound, but he didn’t have any luck after a couple of tries.
C.O.R.A. spoke up at the front of the bridge. “We are being drawn in to the star’s corona. We have approximately thirty seconds before the shields can no longer protect us from the heat, and then the hull will begin to become overheated as well.
Johnnie gripped the arms of the captain’s chair. “Reg, you can do it, buddy. Work your magic.”
“I’m trying, but all I’m really doing here is pressing the start button. You know that, right? There isn’t exactly an engine room on this thing.”
“Doesn’t matter. I still believe in you.”
Reg crossed his fingers and tapped the control that powered on the engines. This time it worked, and the engines roared to life.
They all cheered, including Tonga, who had just arrived back on the bridge, and C.O.R.A., who was simply imitating the behavior of the others.
As the engines fired up, Johnnie moved the piloting stick on the chair’s arm forward, and they slowly started to pull away from the star. “Well, at least all that heat will probably fry the whale dung off the hull of the ship.”
Tonga shook his head. “Actually, I believe it is permanently baking it into the ship’s surface.”
Shannon looked at the view screen worriedly. “We are going to make it, aren’t we?”
“Yes. Definitely.”
C.O.R.A. again added her two cents worth of downer. “However, once we are finally free of the star’s gravitational pull, we will be very short on fuel.”
“Let’s see a star chart of the immediate area.”
C.O.R.A. tapped a few buttons at her station, and a map of nearby stars appeared on the main view screen.
“Decimus Two! It’s right around the corner.”
“There are no corners in—”
“It’s just a saying! Somebody please program a database of idioms into that robot.”
Shannon looked at some information on her console. “Decimus Two is off limits to Alliance ships. Apparently there was an incident there, and we are no longer welcome, under penalty of death.”
“Trust me. They’ll let us land. They owe me, big time.”
“Owe you for what?” Tonga asked.
“Oh, just their newly-formed democratic government. That’s all.”
The door to the bridge suddenly slid open, which shocked everyone, since they were supposed to be the only ones on board. In the doorway stood none other than...
“Captain Rickard?” They all exclaimed simultaneously.
“How did you get here?” Shannon added.
“I’ve been here all along. Nobody was looking for me back at the Academy. I just strolled down the corridor from the detention area straight to the landing pad and climbed aboard. I waited so long for you folks that I dozed off in the captain’s quarters.”
“Captain’s quarters? Where?”
“At the back of the ship, near the engines.”
“That’s a storage compartment. We’ve been staying away from there, since there’s a warning light indicating that there’s an exhaust leak in that room.”
“Ah. No wonder I slept so well.”
Tonga eyed him sideways. “So nothing that’s happened since then woke you up?”
“No. Why? What happened since then?”
Shannon butted in. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter. We need to refuel, and Johnnie claims Decimus Two owes him a big favor, so we’re heading there now.”
“Did...you say Decimus Two?”
Reg was suspicious of the way he said it. “Yeah. Is there a problem with that?”
“I’m...not sure. I can’t really remember, but I have this nagging feeling that it’s a bad idea for me to go there.” He waved his hand dismissively. “Oh, what the hell. How bad can it be, right? I’m going to head back to bed and finish up that nap.”
***
It took a few minutes to convince the officers on the orbital security platform at Decimus Two that Johnnie was who he said he was, but once they compared the face on all of the photos, paintings, and postage stamps with the one on their screen, they were only too happy to allow Johnnie to land his crap-covered ship on the planet.
They approached the capital city and flew over the ruins of the Temple of Seraph, which Johnnie had destroyed on his previous visit.
Once they had landed at the main spaceport and opened the hatch, Johnnie led the others down the ramp. And then they were mobbed by thousands of tall, thin, purple-skinned aliens.
A group of Decimusians ran up and grabbed Johnnie, placing him on their shoulders, and walked him down a red carpet lined with the thousands of adoring fans who had arrived as soon as they heard that he had come back to the planet. They had somehow already painted signs with his name and likeness and were cheering as he was carried to a stage with the others following behind him in absolute shock.
Ground crews began to immediately refuel the ship and attempted to clean off the hull in vain.
Johnnie was set down onto the stage, where there was already a microphone and a podium set up. The newly-elected president of the planet walked up and shook his hand as reporters and others in the crowd took pictures and video with holo-cameras. Reg, Shannon, and Tonga’s jaws hung open, and C.O.R.A. was unable to lower one eyebrow, which was frozen in an expression of curiosity.
The president stepped up to the microphone and motioned for the crowd to quiet down, which they finally did after a minute or so. “I know all of you are just as excited as I am to welcome back the greatest hero in our planet’s history.” He turned to Johnnie. “We apologize for throwing this event together so quickly, but we were unaware of your return until just a few minutes ago. But I know nobody here wants to hear me speak, so without further delay, here is our savior...Johnnie Jacobson!”
The crowd went absolutely crazy as the others continued to look on in astonishment. Most screamed, cheered, and applauded. Old women threw flowers at his feet, and young women threw their underwear at him. Grown men stood and watched with tears in their eyes.
Johnnie attempted to quiet down the crowd so he could talk, but it took a good five minutes before it died down enough to hear him, even with the sound system at full volume.
“Uh...hey there.” The crowd went crazy again for another thirty seconds before he could continue. “I really appreciate the welcome, guys. That’s really cool of you. And I’m glad to see you were able to have an election and all that...stuff.”
More cheering and applause as the president nodded vigorously and clapped next to him onstage.
“I’d like to introduce some friends of mine.” He waved the others over, and they stood next to him nervously. “This is my good buddy, Reg.” There was polite applause. “And this is Shannon.” More applause. “And Tonga.” The applause continued. “And this is, um, our robot...” Shannon elbowed him. “...uh, android, C.O.R.A.” And still more applause.
Johnnie looked up and saw that Captain Rickard was standing at the top of the ramp back at the ship, looking groggy and confused. Johnnie motioned at him. “Oh, and I can’t forget my mentor, teacher, and personal hero, Captain Brent Rickard!”
There was a moment of complete silence, followed by audible gasps, and then screams of outrage. The crowd turned ugly immediately as several civilians attempted to run up and attack Captain Rickard, but were held back by police, who took him into custody and slapped cuffs on him. The entire situation had turned to chaos. Police tried to control the crowd and the cheering had become angry yelling.
Nobody was more confused than Johnnie. “What the hell’s going on here? He’s with me!”