Pew! Pew! - Bad versus Worse

by M. D. Cooper

  “Great,” said Vale, putting out a hand and spitting in it. “Shake on it?”

  Katra spat in her hand. They shook. Vale smiled.

  “So glad to have you on board, Katra,” she said, flashing those pearly whites. “Because we need to you to kill Beb-Sha-Na.”

  Chapter 4: Growing Pains and Other Disgusting Aspects of Human Nature

  Jesipax

  Jesi wasn’t a big fan of letting anyone else take the lead. Especially when her subordinate got souped up on super powers and started negotiating deals for her.

  She didn’t like Vale being on her ship. She didn’t like the hula skirt. She didn’t like the Beyoncé being surrounded by who knows how many FunCorp agents. The one thing she liked about all this was knowing Vale was at their mercy.

  Well, the world was at Katra’s mercy, but that was neither here nor there. Jesi was Katra’s captain, which meant it was indeed Jesi at the head of the universe.

  Yass.

  “What do you mean, kill Beb-Sha-Na? Can you even kill a god?” Asked Yorick defensively. He seemed to want to put himself between Katra and Vale, but was making a big effort holding himself back. Katra didn’t even seem to take notice.

  “Only someone with the powers of a god can kill a god,” said Vale. All the while, she was reaching into the bun in her hair to retrieve a tiny silver capsule – an emergency transmitter. She pressed it, signaling the men outside that she was safe. “In less mystical terms, you’re the only one on their level with technology to match them. You’re the only one who can wield a weapon of their own design.”

  Jesi was barely controlling her rage. She ripped off her hula skirt, revealing baggy green shorts beneath, tossing the grass into a plant pot, where it blended in nicely.

  “Great,” she said, finally, forcing them all to stare at her. “Vale, tell your men what’s going on. We want this over and done with as soon as possible. And if any of my crew gets hurt because of you, I’m going to find you, and I’m going to kill you. Understand?”

  “As you say, captain,” the woman smirked. “Prepare your crew, we’re going to war. Beb-Sha-Na will be here any minute, and we need to move out.”

  “Don’t you want me to fight here?” asked Katra.

  “Not until you know what you’re doing, hon.”

  Jesi didn’t want to watch Vale’s performance any longer. She stormed out of the briefing room, making her way to her quarters, desperate for real clothes to wear. Her favorite captain’s jumpsuit had disappeared who knows where when Katra had transported them – the woman would owe her when this was all over.

  A few minutes later, feeling refreshed in a clean jumpsuit and with the green shorts in the trash, Jesi emerged from her quarters. She made her way to the one place she knew she belonged: the bridge.

  Katra was waiting for her there. Jesi smiled to herself, glad that the power hadn’t already gone to her head.

  “Do you think I’m making a huge mistake?” she asked Jesi, the second she set foot in the room.

  “Giving up your super powers? Working with FunCorp?” Katra nodded. “I think you made the right choice – under the circumstances.”

  “I don’t want to fight a god, Jesipax,” she said, leaning back against the chair behind her. “I don’t think I can.”

  “You can, and you will,” Jesi insisted. “I’m your captain, and I order you to get through this alive. You hear me?”

  Katra smiled weakly. “Thanks, Jesi. You always know what to say to cheer me up.”

  Jesi smiled back, knowing her window of opportunity was fading. She clenched her fists, forming the words she was almost too nervous to say – a first, for her.

  “Katra, how far do you powers go?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Do you think… you could…” Jesi looked down at her own tiny frame, and let out a heavy sigh. Katra did a double take, seeming to understand. She said nothing as she lifted her hands up, mystically holding them in the air before her, and closed her eyes.

  At first, Jesi felt nothing, and her hope dwindled. But soon a warm feeling began to trickle through her limbs: like being slowly dipped into a hot tub, the heat enveloped her. She closed her eyes as she felt her muscles spasm and stretch, her bones elongating in seconds.

  It was one hell of a growth spurt.

  When the sensation subsided to numbness, she opened her eyes, shocked to see them at the same level as Katra’s. She ran her hands over her body… everything was there, she was a full grown adult, except…

  No, no, this was all wrong.

  She turned to a porthole, checking her reflection, and almost screamed. She was taller, sure, but she still had the gangly proportions of a 9 year old. Katra had just made her a bigger child.

  “Froz! Katra!” She stammered, “what have you done?”

  “I’m not finished yet, hold on!” she snapped. “I’m not exactly sure how this works!”

  Slowly but surely, Jesi felt her body stretch and pinch. Katra’s smile marked the end of the process, and this time, when she looked in the mirror, Jesi saw the face of a stranger – but an adult stranger.

  “Thank you,” she said, trying not to get emotional. It would take her a while to get used to the flow of hormones in her body once more, a sensation she hadn’t felt in years. But right now, the fact she felt them at all was like deliverance.

  “I can fix everything!” said Katra, staring at her own hands. In an instant, the purple pigment evaporated into thin air, leaving her tan skin unblemished and just as perfect as it was before. “Everything!”

  She pointed a finger to the corner of the room, and the air shimmered and buckled in space. Out of a warp in the universe, a man appeared into being, a handsome, brown skinned man, with locks of gorgeous black hair and just the hint of stubble. His hands flew to his chest, patting the black uniform he was wearing, touching his limbs in shock.

  “Well, hello,” said Jesi, grinning ear to ear, feeling sensations running through her body she had sorely missed, “who’s this?”

  “I’m… I’m free!” he said, ignoring her completely. “Katra, you did it!”

  “Oh, Marcus,” she replied, her own hands on her face, hiding the wide smile there, “It’s so good to actually see you!”

  “My thoughts… are mine!” he let out a raucous laugh, “there’s no one else up here but me!”

  Katra joined in the laugh, rushing to embrace him. They hugged, the pageant queen and her bodyguard from another time reunited properly.

  “It is good to finally meet you, Marcus.”

  Vale let herself into the bridge, shaking her head in disbelief. Her eyes darted back and forth between Jesi and Marcus, finally landing on Katra.

  “What have you done?”

  “Put everything back in order,” she grinned, extracting herself from Marcus’s arms. “Shall we get going?”

  “We’d better,” Vale agreed. “Transport this entire ship – and everyone on it – to the nation you used to call Japan. Anywhere will do. Specialists are waiting for us there.”

  “Done,” said Katra. Jesi hadn’t felt the ship move in the slightest, but now sunlight was streaming through the portholes, blue sky where there had one been the ceiling of Tarowin Station’s hangar bay.

  “You’re more adept at this than I expected,” Vale grinned, placing a hand on Katra’s shoulder, “shall we?”

  “And what do we do in the meantime?” Asked Jesi.

  “Whatever you want. You’re an adult, after all.”

  As Vale and Katra left, Jesi grinned, taking in the fact that yes, she was an adult. She finally had a body appropriate for her status, and none of that stupid puberty to live over again, either.

  She poked her head outside the ship’s door, but this country had nothing to interest her. She wasn’t even sure which game this nation now was: if it even was a game station at all, as it could easily be another point for Vale’s ritual sacrifices. She would remain inside the ship.

  It was nice se
eing everything from the correct perspective. Looking down on things was one of Jesi’s favorite pastimes. She wandered the decks of her ship, re-acquainting herself with her surroundings.

  When she returned to her quarters, she was not alone.

  “Marcus,” she said, the name coming out in an exhale, “what are you doing here?”

  “Checking up on you,” he said, enunciating every syllable. “It’s so nice to have a real mouth to use. Don’t you think?”

  “It’s nice to have a lot of things back,” she agreed, indicating for him to sit down on her sofa, but not before she removed the antique Battle Mace from Argellian VII, which would have reduced his brand new body to a pile of gelatin if he had touched it wrong. She placed it on the armchair.

  “It’s amazing to just be able to think… just my own thoughts,” he said, gazing at the ceiling with awe. “To be free.”

  Free. Katra was now free of this bumbling idiot, the extra weight that had been holding her back. She was excited for her. But now that the idiot in question was sitting before her, she wondered where the hate had gone. She stared at him, but found herself unable to see him as the presence she had despised for the past month. Had she ever truly hated him in the first place?

  “Why are you looking at me like that?” Marcus asked.

  “Just admiring Katra’s handiwork,” she replied. “She was very… generous.”

  “Oh, of that you can be sure,” he said, half laughing, half blushing. “She was with you, too.”

  “She was?” Jesi was feeling herself grow warm. It was the first time in a long time she could take a compliment about her appearance. She ran her hands through her silky smooth hair, reminding herself that it truly was hers.

  “We should toast,” said Marcus, “to Katra. For making us whole again.”

  “For making us hot again! But, we don’t have any drinks…” Jesi laughed. “Froz. It’s so good to be myself.”

  “Agreed…” the man replied.

  Jesi realized that their legs were touching now – the source of the warmth. Somehow, her hand had ended up on her knee, and his arm, the one stretched out behind her on the couch, was wrapping around her.

  “Oh, what the hell, I’ve waited too long for this,” she muttered, she threw herself full force at the man.

  Neither had had a body to call their own for more than ten minutes now, so the mechanics were rusty to say the least. She had managed to grab his lower lip between hers, and began sucking on his wildly, her mind acing to remember what to do. At the same time, he was running his tongue along the underside of her nose, covering her face with slobber.

  Even so, there was only thought in Jesi’s head, one that was pounding through her body – desire. She had waited so long, been so patient, and now, the universe was rewarding her with a hot mess of a man, fresh off the assembly line. His body had been made by Katra, based on her exaggerated memories of the man, after all: to call him perfect would be an understatement.

  Oh shit. Katra.

  Jesi pulled away, feeling angry for her thoughts getting in her own way, but the woman had just given her a body, after all, and she wasn’t going to betray her. She could feel Marcus’s disappointment, muscles sinking as she removed herself from him.

  “Katra,” was all that she said.

  “What about her?”

  “Well, now that you’re out of her mind…”

  Marcus shook his head, his gorgeous black locks swinging back and forth across his forehead like pendulums.

  “She made it very clear to me it was over,” he said, “Even when I tried to make it work. I know who she wants. And I know… who I want.”

  “Then, Froz, what are we waiting for?”

  Jesi threw a leg over Marcus’s lap, scooting forward and wrapping her arms around his head, before tackling the mouth once again. Kissing him was slightly more successful this time, but messier than it should have been.

  It got a lot messier after that.

  Chapter 5: That Scene from the Matrix, only in the future, with a cat

  Katra

  A large tabby cat was purring as it rubbed its head against the serpent’s body, sending shivers up Katra’s spine.

  “Oh, don’t mind Professor Nub-Nub,” said Vale, smiling awkwardly, “it’s how he perceives the world.”

  “But… it’s a cat,” Katra hissed, her voice low, as if she was going to somehow going to offend the fluffy beast. “Why does he have an entourage?”

  “I’m sorry!” said the woman holding the cat, her voice harsh and borderline furious, “Professor Nub-Nub is a leading archeologist, with degrees from no less than 53 major universities. He’s the prominent expert on Beb-Sha-Na lore, and he doesn’t like your tone very much, thank you.”

  “Oh… I… sorry, professor.”

  Katra felt quite silly, apologizing to a cat, but it came with the territory. The future never ceased to amaze and estrange her.

  “Since your time, the cats have opened up and revealed their true nature to the universe,” Vale explained, bowing to the feline. “As the First Scientists, they’ve been monitoring almost every race in the universe since their first appearance. They’ve been shaping events and manipulating evolution ever since.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me!”

  Katra had a little black cat when she was growing up, ironically named snowball. Snowball had been a trusted friend for years, there was no way the cat was manipulating her.

  And yet, here was Nub-Nub, carried around on a red velvet pillow by a woman in practically transparent robes, followed by at least four others, whose roles Katra didn’t quite understand. One was simply holding a can of tuna like a religious relic.

  “Professor Nub-Nub is here to help you harness the true power of the amulet,” said Vale, “And we don’t have much time. You have to trust him, Katra, no matter how odd his methods might seem.”

  “Of course,” Katra nodded. She gathered her wits about her, feeling the power of the amulet coursing through her veins, and only the power: it was nice not having to worry about Marcus interfering anymore.

  “Fantastic, then we begin,” said the woman in the transparent dress. “I am the professor’s interpreter. Speak to him, but I shall reply.”

  “Thank you for training me, professor.”

  “Gladly,” Nub-Nub replied, through his intermediary. “Now, as a first step, I need you to turn your head – yes, just like that – now, stick out your tongue, that’s right, and stick it nicely in that armpit of yours. Hold it. Hooold it… yes, this is a traditional cat’s way to begin a session.”

  “Seweusly?”

  “Professor, cut it out,” Vale snapped, “end of the universe scenario here!”

  “Ha, she totally fell for it! You can put that tongue back in your mouth, human. I can’t believe you did that!”

  “Can we just get started?” asked Katra, exasperated. It had been a long day, and she just wanted this mess over with.

  “Fine, fine.” The cat did not look half as annoyed as his interpreter made him sound, but Katra wouldn’t know either way. Professor Nub-Nub strolled over to a fancy red velvet pillow, sitting casually atop it, admiring Katra with a keen focus.

  “What have you been able to do so far?”

  “Um,” said Katra, “I managed to transport my crew and our ship to different locations. And turn things into other things. I made Vale’s gun turn into a banana.”

  “A banana, you say?” the cat’s tail twitched, “interesting. Let us see how you do with conjuring matter out of the air. Create that same banana for me, right here, right now. But do not transform anything into it: just create it.”

  Katra found the challenge far too easy. She simply concentrated on the space before Nub-Nub on his pillow, and made the banana appear. It was as simple as dreaming.

  The cat’s handler picked it up, opened the peel, and placed it before the professor for inspection. He took one bite, spitting it out instantly.

  “Disgusting, a
bsolutely disgusting,” he spat. Well, more accurately, be continued to spit out the banana while the interpreter firmly scolded Katra. “You misunderstand the assignment. You failed to create the essence of a banana: you only created a facsimile of one, a lump of matter that resembles the idea. But it has no taste, no smell. You must focus on creating the very heart of the banana, every aspect of it that makes us recognize the fruit. Would you try again? With something else, perhaps. A favorite food.”

  This time, Katra dug into her memory, deep into her recollection of earth. She thought of her time at home, how much she missed her family there. Before she even truly formed the thought, a plate piled high with empanadas appeared beside the cat. He didn’t wait for his interpreter to help him, simply digging right into the warm bready treat.

  “That is much better,” he said, his face stuffed. “Incredible improvement. You even made them warm, like they were just out of an oven. Now you have truly captured the essence of the meal. But food is easy: creating anything else is quite difficult. It may take many years before you are capable enough to create anything living and breathing, and much more than that to build a soul.”

  “Years?” Katra stared at Vale, shooting a sharp glare, “will I even have that long before I, what did you say again, before I implode?”

  “She’s right,” replied, Vale, ignoring Katra’s gaze, turning instead to face the cat, “we don’t have that kind of time. We might have mere hours. Can you teach her to fight? To defend herself?”

  “Well, it will be complicated,” the cat scooted over, and began to serupticiously clean his balls. “I will see what I can do. She seems like a fast learner.”

  “Plus, you said it would take years to build something living and breathing,” said Katra, beaming, “and yet, just a few minutes ago, I made two fully functioning bodies.”

  “You did what?” the cat froze mid lick, lifting his eyes to meet with Katra’s, leg still poised in the air. “Oh no. No, no, no, no. You didn’t even realize the detail you had to put into food, and you created life?”

  “Not exactly,” she replied, “I created bodies for my captain – who was stuck as a 9 year old – and my ex, who was living in my head. They’re much better off now.”