Tales From a Broad

by Melange Books, LLC

  Tess gave me a look. “His mother? Really? I know people start young these days, but I don’t know any ten-year-old mothers.” She gave me a sideways look. “C’mon. He’s not that young.”

  “Okay fine, but he’s young enough for a thirty-year-old hottie with a tight butt and perky boobs to turn his head. He also happens to be unsettled, and that’s a bad combination. It’s one thing to date a younger man, but a camp counselor? No ma’am. That’s just crazy. We really are worlds apart.”

  “He wouldn’t understand the pressures of the business world and the deadlines I face. Or hope to face again,” I said, making a face. “Life isn’t one big party. I want a child in my life, but not in the form of a boyfriend I would have to support. This is definitely not the conventional route.”

  Tess lay on her side and propped herself up with an elbow. “First of all, take a breath. You sound manic. Who are you trying to convince here? You just met the guy, and second, I thought we were trying not to take the road we’re ‘supposed’ to take,” she said making air quotes.

  I dismissed her with a wave, even though her words rang true.

  “Why don’t you just have fun? Don’t analyze it. You might learn something about yourself.”

  “I already have. I’ve learned that I’m capable of having fun with another man. Yay!” I clapped my hands. “This might actually be the first day when Cooper didn’t consume my brain. Instead of twice an hour, he may have only crossed my mind twice the entire day.”

  Tess narrowed her eyes and studied me. “Maybe Simon is the antidote to Cooper. You were looking pretty chummy when we saw you.”

  “Hey, speaking of we, what were you doing with Mark, anyway? What happened to Pierre?”

  Tess flipped on her back and looked up at the ceiling. “He was a nightmare, Aunt Lu.” She sat up to face me. “He might seriously be the Don Juan of Paris.”

  “The Jean John?” I joked. I ripped open the box of French nougat Simon had brought me and held it out to Tess.

  She sampled one. “Mmm. This from Simon, too?”

  I nodded and popped a chocolate in my mouth. She smiled and shook her head with disbelief.

  “Shut up.” I laughed and a chocolaty dribble slid out of my mouth. I used the back of my hand to wipe my chin. “Okay, go on.”

  “Very chewy.” Tess used her tongue to work a piece of candy stuck to her tooth. “We went to a wine bar, and Pierre must’ve turned his head every time someone with boobs walked past. I felt like the biggest boob. I pretty much watched him ogle women.”

  “Eww,” I groaned. “So how did Mark come into play?” I put the box of nougat onto my lap and debated my next selection.

  “Basically, Pierre had too much drink, and instead of taking me back to the hotel, he took me to his cousin’s apartment.”

  My mouth flew open in horror, and Tess nodded her head somberly.

  “Problem was, by the time I realized it, we had made so many twists and turns I didn’t even know where we were. The apartment was totally vacant. Suddenly he was miraculously sober and asking me to spend the night.”

  “Oh my God, Tess. I can’t even listen to this.” I pushed the box of candy off my lap. I had suddenly lost my appetite. “You could’ve been date raped. I told you to stay in public...”

  “I know, and believe me, that was my intention. But how was I supposed to know where he was taking me? We’ve only been here for two days.” Tess stared at me and chewed her lip. “Do you want to hear more? It gets worse.”

  “Go on,” I sighed. I made a mental note not to let her out of my sight for the rest of our trip. Maybe the rest of her life.

  “I went to use the bathroom, and when I came out he was lying in bed wearing nothing but underwear. Total tighty-whities.” She wrinkled her nose in disgust.

  “NO,” I yelled.

  “‘You like?’ he said with a ridiculous come hither look on his face. All I could think about was Mark. Not Jack, the boyfriend I am on a break from, but Mark. I passed up a date with a nice guy for that loser?”

  “Oh, sweetie.” I sighed.

  “So, I told him I didn’t feel so well and had to go home. Then suddenly, he was drunk.”

  “What do you mean? Did he start drinking again?”

  “No. He said, ‘Since you aren’t feeling well and I am already undressed, can I just take you back to the hotel in the morning? I’m in no condition to drive.’”

  “What a jerk.”

  “Yup. So I went outside to take a deep breath. Never mind, date rape. I wanted to commit date murder. I tried to call for a taxi, but couldn’t seem to reach anyone who could speak English. I didn’t even know how to pronounce the cross streets. All I knew was that I was somewhere in between scared shitless and freaked out,” she said with a bitter laugh. “That’s when I texted Mark.”

  “Why didn’t you call me?”

  “I figured you’d be sleeping. It hadn’t occurred to me you’d be out getting your groove on.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “Anyway, it wasn’t a big deal. He was just hanging out and watching TV. He said he would have the concierge send a cab and twenty minutes later the taxi came, and he was in it. My knight in a shining taxi cab.”

  I took a breath and slowly exhaled. “I should never have allowed you to go out on that date. I wanted to be the cool aunt and not tell you what to do, but next time I’m going to speak up. No more foreign men for you, young lady.”

  “Don’t worry. There won’t be a next time.”

  I smiled with relief.

  “American-made men here on in!”

  “Tess,” I warned.

  Suddenly, a knock on the door interrupted our conversation. Tess and I looked at each other and froze. She clapped her hand over her mouth to suppress a giggle.

  “Who do you think it is?” she whispered.

  “I don’t know. You go.” I felt like a teenager waiting to see which one of our crushes had come to visit. I smoothed my hair down and tucked it behind my ears.

  “Coming!” Tess got off the bed and ran to the door.

  “Wow, these are beautiful,” I heard her exclaim.

  “They were just delivered. Enjoy,” said a man with a French accent.

  “Merci,” Tess said and closed the door.

  I heard her pull out a card and squeal. She walked towards me and held a big bouquet of orchids under my nose. I inhaled a sweet scent that reminded me of vanilla with a touch of cinnamon.

  “Aren’t these gorgeous?” she beamed. “Guess who?”

  “Tres magnifique. Let’s see. Could it be an apology from Pierre?” I said. “No. It sounded like he was too banged up. Scratch that. I bet they’re ... missing you flowers from Jack!” I cried. “Yes, that’s my final guess.”

  “Aunt Lu,” Tess said with a glimmer in her eye. “They’re for you.”

  She handed me the envelope marked with my name. I didn’t have to open the card to know who they were from.

  “Simon.” I smiled. He may be young but he sure knows how to woo a woman. My hand shook with excitement as I tore open the card.

  Fleurs de Berri| 12 Rue de Berri| 75008 Paris | France

  Dear Lucy,

  It was great to hear your voice the other night. I’m sorry I caused you so much pain. For what it’s worth, I think I may have made the biggest mistake of my life. Can we talk?

  Love always,

  Cooper

  Chapter Seven

  Speechless.

  Facebook Status June 10 at 12:10am

  I stared at the floor as Tess finished a dramatic reading of the card. I had read it to myself, read it aloud and even after she read it, one question still remained, so I said it aloud.

  “Is he fucking kidding me?”

  Tess looked at me and shook her head in disbelief. She slipped the gold bangles off of her wrist and twirled them around her finger.

  I jumped up and winced from the throbbing pain of my ankle. “Now he does this? Now?”

  Fueled by anger, I began to pac
e back and forth. After I’d completed two laps between the bed and coffee table, I made a pit stop to stuff one of Simon’s chocolates into my mouth.

  “Orchids. He sends me goddamn orchids,” I muttered, wiping another drip of chocolate drool that escaped from my mouth. I looked over at the flowers with disdain.

  “Are orchids bad?” Tess asked. “Do they symbolize something inappropriate? Friendship? Deception? Death?” She had a horrified look on her face.

  “Um, considering orchids were what I had planned to carry down the aisle? Yeah, I’d say they symbolize something very inappropriate. Not to mention the stupid fights we had over that goddamn flower. Mr. Control Freak wanted me to carry lilies. Who carries lilies?” I plucked another chocolate from the box.

  “Nobody?” Tess offered. “Besides, what guy actually cares about the flowers at a wedding, anyway?”

  “Seriously. Besides, a lily pollen stain is a bitch to get out. I finally won that argument. Or did I? It seems to me that Cooper got the last laugh.” I hobbled over to the bed and plunked myself down with the chocolates on my lap.

  “Well maybe now you’ll really get the last laugh,” Tess said with her finger pointed at me.

  “How? By blowing up like a balloon?” I groaned and pushed the box off of my lap. “Seriously, what the hell am I supposed to do? Should I be doing cartwheels that he’s finally come to his senses? Play hard to get?”

  “Um, how about none of the above? He broke your heart, Aunt Lu.” Tess walked over to my bed and helped herself to a chocolate.

  “I know.” Tears stung my eyes, and I reached across the nightstand to grab a tissue.

  “Ugh,” I exclaimed, ripping it out of the box with vengeance. “I’m so mad. Can’t I just feel happiness for one stinking day? Is that too much to ask?”

  “Ugh, is right.” Tess stood up and shook her fists. “Not only did he break your heart, but he humiliated you on top of it. The more I think about it, the more I want to take those pollen-infested flowers and shove them up his ass.”

  “Those weren’t the pollen ones.” I smiled despite myself and wiped my nose.

  “Whatever. They still suck and so does he. He abandoned you at a time when you needed him most. You shouldn’t play hard to get. You are hard to get. I’m sorry, but that man does not deserve your forgiveness.”

  I felt a stress headache coming on. I gathered my hair in a tight ponytail and gave it a hard tug to massage my scalp. “I don’t know about that, Tess. Doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance? Maybe he’s finally come to his senses.”

  “Nope.” Tess crossed her arms in front of her. “He’s come to his senses,” she paused and looked at her watch, “oh, about three months too late.”

  “I know, but it takes a big person to admit he was wrong.”

  “And it takes a crummy person to break off an engagement. Why are you defending him, anyway? You’re always selling yourself short.”

  “Tess,” I sighed. “This is really complicated. I know everyone hates him right about now, but let’s not forget that he was the love of my life. Maybe even still is. He did, I mean does, have some pretty amazing qualities.”

  “I’m not so sure my mother would agree with you on that one.”

  I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. She was actually starting to sound like my overprotective sister, and I was no longer in the mood for a debate. I limped over to the dresser and opened the top drawer.

  “How did he even know you were here? The only person who knows where we are is my mom, and there is no way in hell she’d ever tell him your whereabouts.”

  “Gee, I don’t know.” I turned around to give her a dirty look. “Did you by any chance tell five hundred of your closest Facebook friends where we are?”

  Tess sucked in a breath. “I might have mentioned something to my friend Riley ... on my wall.” She looked at me and cringed apologetically.

  “Tess, I know I’ve said this before, but you really shouldn’t use Facebook as your personal GPS. Turn your location services off and let’s keep our whereabouts confidential. And while we’re on the topic, I’d also like to keep the flowers confidential.”

  “Simon?” Tess said with a knowing look.

  “I don’t care about Simon.” I knew that wasn’t true, especially since the mere mention of his name had caused my stomach to do a flip.

  I quickly turned around and pretended to be quite absorbed with my pajama drawer. “Your mother is the one I have to hide this from. I don’t need her two cents. Especially when I already have you to keep me in line. I’m starting to see that the apple hasn’t fallen far from the judgmental tree.”

  “It’s all out of love, Aunt Lu,” Tess reminded me gently. I knew it was out of love, but still, I was the only one allowed to bash my ex-fiancée.

  “So. What are you going to do?” she said.

  “I have no idea.” The one thing I knew was that this topic of conversation was officially off limits.

  Physically exhausted and mentally drained, I wished there was another room for me to escape to. I just wanted to be by myself. Seeing no other option, I pulled off the top sheet and hopped into bed, fully clothed.

  “Actually, I do know. I’m going to go to bed.” I rolled my pajamas into a ball and tossed them on the floor.

  “Just like that? You’ve been telling me for years that a woman should never go to bed without washing her face.”

  “Not everything is black and white, sweetie.” I paused and gave her my biggest and brightest fake smile. “I’m wiped.” I shut off the light that sat on the nightstand. “Besides, things always looks clearer in the morning. Goodnight, Tess.”

  “I hope so. Goodnight, Aunt Lu. Sweet dreams.”

  Like that would be possible. I closed my eyes and gave myself permission to let my thoughts run wild. In the process, I must’ve hit every emotion on the spectrum. I started out with hate, went to sorrow, then love, and managed to end with a sliver of hope.

  But I sadly reminded myself that no matter what happened, I still wouldn’t be able to have children. Would Cooper ever be okay with that? Would another man be able to accept that about me?

  All of a sudden, I had babies on the brain, and it wasn’t just the type I prayed to God I could have. I thought about Cooper, who had acted like one and Simon, who, well, seemed young enough to be one. Oh, baby.

  Hours later, I sunk into a state of semi-consciousness. The last thing that popped into my head was a flashback of the kiss I’d shared with Simon. Despite everything, I actually managed to fall asleep with a smile.

  * * * *

  The next morning, I woke up to the ringing sound of the phone in our room. I cracked open an eye and sat up in bed with a start. My contact lenses were stuck to my eyeballs.

  “Hello?” I said, groggily.

  “Hi.”

  I recognized the voice immediately and felt my stomach flip. I looked over at the lump in Tess’s bed. It hadn’t moved, despite the interruption.

  “Hi, Simon,” I said, dropping my voice to a whisper.

  “Did I wake you?”

  “No, not at all. How are you?” I put the phone on mute and quickly cleared my throat before I unmuted it.

  “I’m good. I just wanted to say I had a really nice time with you last night.”

  “Me, too.” I smiled shyly and bit my nail. I tasted the remnants of last night’s chocolate binge and a sinking feeling washed over me as I remembered the way the night had ended.

  “Did you sleep well?”

  “Like a baby.” A newborn baby, that is, who woke up every two hours. I pulled a bottle of saline solution from the nightstand and poured it into my eyes.

  “I was just sitting here wondering what would’ve happened if we hadn’t been interrupted by Tess and Mark.”

  “Hmm,” I paused to swallow. Let’s see ... we probably would’ve still been kissing in the hallway or worse, back in my room. Then the flowers would’ve been delivered and the interruption would’ve been far m
ore awkward.

  “Something tells me it worked out for the best,” I said.

  “Well, I beg to differ.”

  His morning voice sounded sexier than usual, and my heart skipped a beat, reminding me of the effect he had on me. I smiled and stretched my free hand overhead.

  “What are you guys up to today?” I said in a hushed tone.

  “Well, that all depends on you. How’s your ankle?”

  “Much better, thanks. It must’ve been the first aid.”

  I peered down to make sure that it looked as good as it felt. For all I knew, it had swollen up to gargantuan proportions. Thankfully, it hadn’t. Then, when I stepped out of bed I was relieved to discover it actually did feel much better.

  “That’s good news. Mark and I were wondering if you and Tess would like to join us for a little sightseeing action. We’re dying to see the Catacombs.”

  “No pun intended?”

  On the phone, Simon chuckled as I walked over to the balcony and quietly opened the French doors. When I stepped outside, the cool morning air gave me a jolt I hadn’t quite expected. The hair on my arms stood on end, reminding me of an angry cat.

  “Sounds kind of creepy.” I shivered and gave myself a hug to get warm.

  “Maybe a bit, but where else can you find a labyrinth under the city that holds the bones of six million starting from the 1500s? C’mon, you have to admit it sounds pretty cool. It’s supposed to have a maze of passageways and...”

  As Simon talked, my mind began to race. I’d had such a fabulous day and night with him yesterday, but what was the point of getting together again? Sure, I could say screw it and have fun, but where would that leave me in the end? I’d be back home and back to where I started. Alone. Not to mention feeling worse because this temporary happiness band-aid would be ripped off.

  Or, would I be with Cooper? If I hadn’t drunk-dialed him in Amsterdam, would he have thought of me? I peered through the glass at the flowers and saw Tess walking out of the bathroom.