Tales From a Broad

by Melange Books, LLC

  Simon cocked his head to the side and raised his eyebrows. “God forbid they think that.”

  I looked up at Simon’s tone. Was he offended? How could he be? Had no one ever turned him down before? Did I step on his playboy party toes by rejecting him? Suddenly I was annoyed. This girl wasn’t going to just fall at his feet because he had a killer smile and mesmerizing eyes. I was wiser than that.

  “That’s not what I meant. It’s just that...”

  “No need to explain,” Simon interrupted. “Do you want to...?”

  I felt a knot in my throat and swallowed. “Simon, I love your company. It’s just I’m so much older and I ... I...” I was so goddamn attracted to him and was absolutely terrified to get close to another man. Especially, a younger one. Would he reject me one day too? Cooper left me because of my rotten eggs. What would do Simon in? A fresher set of hot cross buns? I narrowed my eyes at him.

  Simon took his hands and placed them on my shoulders. That wasn’t helping; it just made me want him to kiss me.

  “Relax, you ageist. I can almost hear the wheels spinning in your head. You think too much. What I was about to say before you cut me off, was, do you want to head over to the line?”

  My face burned, and I closed my eyes for a moment willing my embarrassment away. I opened my eyes and began to walk ahead. In doing so, I tripped over a mound of God knows what on the sidewalk and stumbled into Simon’s path.

  He reached his arms out and managed to catch me right before I hit the ground. After he helped me up, one hand remained wrapped around my waist. The heat from his hand warmed my entire body and I jumped back with a start. I readjusted my clothing and tucked my hair behind my ears.

  “You know, I’m starting to think you might be doing this on purpose.” The creases by his eyes folded as he smiled. “Is this your way of making a move?”

  “You wish.” I snorted. “What the hell was that?” I took another step back from Simon while trying to peer behind him and see what had tripped me.

  That’s when a man jumped up from a crouched position on the sidewalk and blurted something out to us in French, an inquisitive look on his face. He held a shiny gold wedding band under my nose. He was on the short side and standing before him, after tripping over him, I felt like a big oaf.

  I looked up at Simon for a translation. He shook his head impatiently.

  “Um ... Non merci?” I offered.

  “Is yours?” the man asked.

  “Oh. No,” I replied. I looked around to see if anyone was searching for a ring.

  “Want to buy ring for mademoiselle?” the man said to Simon. “I need food. You make money when you sell. Twenty euros.”

  Simon put his hand on my back. “Come on. Let’s go,” he said abruptly.

  “Please,” the man begged. “You can sell for beaucoup money. Is pure gold.”

  I gave Simon a look. “I’d like to help this man. I’ll buy it myself,” I whispered. I gave the man a warm smile and reached into my bag. His eyes were grateful as he murmured something in French.

  “It’s a scam, Lucy,” Simon sighed, pulling on my arm.

  “You’re such an American. You don’t have to be so defensive.” I fished through my bag and realized that all I had on me was plastic.

  “Simon, I don’t have cash. Can I borrow a twenty?”

  “I don’t have change. Let’s go.”

  Simon muttered a few words to the man in French. Then he pulled on my arm again and steered me away.

  My heart went out to the stranger. There he was trying to sell me an expensive ring just to get a meal and this cheap guy couldn’t reach into his pockets. I gave the man a tight smile, and he gave me a dark stare in return. Then he spit in our direction and walked away.

  “Lucy, did you see what he just did? It was definitely a scam. A nice guy doesn’t hock a loogie at a lady.”

  I shook my head and looked away. A massive line had formed, and judging from the crowd of people camped out on the floor, I assumed the wait would be longer than we thought.

  “I’m going to grab a few coffees. Hopefully they’ll take credit since you can’t seem to spare a few bucks.” I shot Simon a look over my shoulder and walked towards a coffee cart at the top of the line.

  Cooper would never have done that. He probably would’ve given the man an extra twenty, given me the ring, and then bee-lined to Harry Winston for a matching bracelet. Cooper always did the right thing. Well, most of the time anyway.

  I drew in a breath and counted to three as I inhaled. Let-Cooper-Go, I reminded myself on the exhale.

  While I waited, an old lady with a shopping cart sidled up beside me. It looked as if she had just raided a dollar store with her cartful of trinkets. I looked at her goods and saw a bag of gold rings that were marked two euros. I inched closer and realized the rings were identical to the one I had almost bought. The guy was a scammer.

  Argh. I stamped my foot on the sidewalk. Did Simon really have to be right? More importantly, did I have to be wrong?

  I ordered the coffees and looked over at the group. It looked like Simon was telling a story, and the dimple in his cheek moved as he spoke and deepened when he smiled. I folded my arms across my chest and tapped my fingers. Damn that stupid smile... not only did it cause my stomach to do a flip, but it also kicked my conscience into overdrive.

  Maybe I should just suck it up and say I was sorry. I sighed and returned to the group with the coffees in hand. As I handed them out, I spotted the guy with the ring. He was eyeing an elderly couple like a hawk. The couple had just climbed onto a pair of rented bicycles, and I watched him approach them with the ring in hand.

  “No!” I cried. I hit Simon on the chest with the back of my hand. He was in the middle of taking a sip.

  “What?” he sputtered. I pointed to the man and Simon followed my gaze. “You were right. We can’t let him try to pull one over on that elderly couple. I’ll be right back.”

  “We’ll be right back,” Simon said as he followed me over to the couple.

  “Give me twenty euros,” the beggar was saying.

  “Leave them alone, man,” Simon said.

  I turned to the older couple. “The guy’s a scammer. Did he ask if it belonged to you?” The woman nodded and held her hand to her chest, as if she were about to have a heart attack.

  “Don’t feel bad. He did it to us too. The ring is worthless,” I said.

  The beggar shoved the ring into his pocket. “Baise toi. Fuck you!” he exclaimed before he spat at my feet.

  I don’t know what shocked me more—the fact that he insulted me, or that his insult actually sounded glamorous in French.

  Simon grabbed the guy by his collar and growled something in French. I didn’t know what he said, but I could tell it wasn’t very nice. The tips of Simon’s ears had turned red, and a vein bulged from his neck.

  My heart began to race, and I could actually taste the rise of vomit in my throat. The last thing I wanted was for Simon to get into a fight over a ring that had probably been mass-produced in China. I took him by the arm and dragged him away. The Frenchman brushed off his clothes and skulked away.

  I turned to Simon with my mouth wide open. “Are you crazy? Thank you for defending me, but you could’ve gotten killed. What if he had a knife?”

  He gave me a sideways look as he removed his hat. “C’mon. I could’ve fit that little twit in my back pocket. It’s really not a big deal.” The front of Simon’s hair was matted down and I resisted the urge to rumple it.

  “Well, it is to me. What did you say, anyway?”

  “Spit at her one more time and so help me God, I’ll kick your ass,” Simon replied nonchalantly.

  I formed fists with my hands and tapped my knuckles together. “I once got spit on by a Met fan at a Yankee game. Cooper simply grabbed my arm and said, ‘Keep walking...don’t look back.’”

  Simon threw his hat back on and opened his mouth to say something, but then stopped himself.

 
; “Go ahead. You can say it. I totally deserve it. You were right, and I’m sorry.” I looked up at Simon and cringed.

  “Sorry for what? Seeing the good in a person? I don’t need to be right Lucy, and that wasn’t what I was about to say. There are a lot of things you deserve. An I-told-you-so is definitely not one of them.” Simon put his hat back on and looked at me.

  I pursed my lips together and twirled the bottom of my hair. “Chivalrous and kind. Who knew?”

  “Oh, there’s quite a bit you don’t know about me.” Simon reached over and gave my arm a squeeze. He was definitely inching his way up the appeal-o-meter.

  “Aunt Lu!” Tess called. “C’mon.” The line had begun to move, and it was finally our turn to enter.

  As we walked through the entrance to the cemetery under the city, I began to feel a little unsteady. Especially when I saw an oxygen tank encased in glass and labeled with all sorts of warning signs.

  I took a deep breath, peered around the entrance, and noticed a digital number on the wall. “Look,” I said, attempting to sound casual. “That must be the amount of people down there.” The others were silent as they followed my gaze.

  “One hundred and eighty three. Wow, that’s a lot of people in a small space,” Tess said.

  “Actually, I think it’s the amount of oxygen that’s left,” Mark replied with a straight face. “The number just went down as that guy entered.” He pointed to a grossly overweight man.

  I looked at Simon in horror and he gave me a reassuring pat.

  “Not for persons with a nervous disposition,” Tess read off the wall. “Oh, Aunt Lu. Maybe you should sit this one out.”

  “Are you an anxious person?” Mark asked. “You seem so chill.”

  “Ha!” Tess cried. “She’s a nervous thinker.”

  Mark laughed.

  “I’m so glad you’re amusing yourselves at my expense,” I muttered as we approached the ticketing window.

  We descended the dark and narrow staircase and as we wound around and around, I became dizzier and dizzier. By the time we got to the bottom, a dark opening, I paused and placed a hand on Simon’s shoulder to steady myself.

  The air smelled like mold and dampness. Even in the dark, I saw tiny drops of water that glistened on the ceiling. Mark and Tess walked ahead.

  Simon turned to me and placed his hands on my shoulders. “Are you okay? Thousands of people pass through here every day. There’s nothing to worry about, I promise.”

  I looked up at him and nodded.

  “Ready?” he said.

  “Ready.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw rows of stacked skulls and squeezed my eyes shut. I peered at Simon from under hooded lids and saw him approaching for a kiss. I closed my eyes again and felt his soft lips on mine.

  He managed to take away the little breath I had left. My knees buckled, and I pressed up against him for support. The kiss we’d shared the night before had been soft and sweet. This one was completely different. Cooper definitely never had this much of an effect on me.

  “Sorry,” Simon whispered, several seconds later, when I pulled away. I felt as if there were thousands of eyes watching us. I reminded myself they were only skeletal sockets.

  “You looked a bit woozy,” he continued. “I thought a kiss would revive you, but then I realized that a slap or a shake is what usually does the trick.”

  “Oh, that did the trick all right. As did your attempt to get me alone in the dark.” I smiled weakly and looked away at the limestone wall I wanted to bang my head against. Did the spirit of an old French lover cast a spell on me? My brain said one thing, but my body screamed another.

  The mixed messages made my mind whirl, and I floated through the maze, viewing the skulls and neatly arranged piles upon piles of bones. I also peeked from the corner of my eye to get a sense of what Simon was thinking.

  Several times, he and I paused to look at the signs, and I could feel his arm brush up against mine as I pretended to focus on what we read. I wasn’t taking in a word. The only thing I was conscious of was Simon standing so close to me.

  “Oh look; here’s a quote in English,” Simon said.

  “Henry David Thoreau,” I read aloud. “It doesn’t matter how rich you are, how poor—”

  “How much older you are than the man who is trying to woo you,” Simon interrupted and nudged me.

  A chuckle escaped me, and my mouth fell agape. “I don’t think that’s what it says,” I replied, amused. The kid may have been relentless, but his confidence was rather intriguing.

  “Maybe not, but I’m sure that’s what it meant.”

  I rolled my eyes as he moved ahead to read another sign next to the exit. Was he really trying to woo me? I knew he’d been flirting with me, but to come out with such a bold statement made me a touch uptight and slightly euphoric at the same time.

  Okay, more than slightly. But, hey, was there any harm in having a little fun? I deserved it. Life was short, as I had just witnessed in the underground cemetery. Maybe the universe was trying to send me a message. Live for today and stop worrying about tomorrow. The Catacombs may have been better than a shrink. Who knew? At that moment I was happy, and I was going to do whatever, or whoever, to stay that way.

  My phone vibrated, indicating a new email. I reached for it immediately, needing an escape from the visions in my brain. When I realized the email was from Cooper, my blood chilled.

  I looked at Simon. He appeared absorbed in the display, so I leaned against the doorway to read what Cooper had to say for himself. As I waited for the message to open, a tap on my arm caused me to jump.

  “Pardon.” A young French man stood before me.

  “I’m so sorry.” I realized I had been blocking the entrance. I slid over to the left and felt something probing my back.

  “Ouch,” I muttered, rubbing the small of my back. I turned around to see what it was and was greeted by what must’ve been a pile of legs many centuries ago.

  I inhaled a sharp breath and somehow jumped my way back into Simon’s arms. His eyebrows flew up as he clutched my arms to keep me from falling. He tenderly kissed my cheek and pulled me in for a protective hug.

  “Sorry,” I mumbled.

  When we pulled away, Simon offered me his hand, which I accepted gratefully. I clutched my phone tightly with my other hand. As much as I was dying to see what Cooper had written, I was really enjoying Simon’s comfort. I stuffed the phone into my bag and allowed him to lead me through the exit and up the stairs to the street. When we got outside, I drew in a deep breath and leaned against the wall, after checking to be sure I wasn’t blocking the door or any body parts.

  “You made it,” Simon said, holding out a fist.

  “There’s a first time for everything.” I tapped his fist with one of my own. I wasn’t even talking about the Catacombs. When had high fives become a thing of the past?

  I felt my phone vibrating inside my bag and immediately a pit opened in my stomach. “Let’s wait here for Mark and Tess.”

  “Pardon, Mademoiselle?” a man said.

  I looked up at a man who was wearing gloves and had a trash bag in hand. “Yes?”

  The maintenance man frowned.

  “Er, oui?” I offered.

  His expression softened. “You can’t stand here. You are blocking the exit.”

  “What is it with me and exits today? I’m sorry, I was just waiting for my niece.” I reached into my bag to retrieve my phone.

  “You and your nephew can wait over there,” he said, pointing to a bench.

  I nodded politely and gave Simon a terse smile.

  “Ouch,” Simon whispered as we walked away.

  Nephew. That sealed the deal. If there were any doubts, they were all buried in the Catacombs. I busied myself with my phone and saw I now had not one, but two missed calls, and they were both from Cooper. I could no longer wait to see what he had to say. I bee-lined over to the bench.

  “Hey, slow down, Luce.
What, do you have a ghost following you?” Simon called out as I ran ahead.

  “Pretty much.” I plunked myself down on the bench like a pile of bones.

  I wasn’t sure if it was Simon, Cooper, or the thousands of body parts we had just seen, but suddenly an overwhelming feeling of dizziness struck. I slumped down, rested my head against the back of the bench, and closed my eyes.

  Simon stood behind me and placed his hands on my shoulders. I sat up straighter as he massaged a muscle that was quickly becoming a knot. “Are you okay, Luce?”

  “Yeah, I just feel a little weird.”

  “I know. I do, too. It’s not that big of a deal. The hat makes me look younger. I hear that all the time.”

  I tossed him a look over my shoulder. “Maybe I should try wearing a hat.”

  Simon laughed and leaned closer to me. “You’re beautiful,” he whispered.

  His breath was warm on my neck and a shiver ran down my spine. I clasped my moist hands together and gave them a supportive squeeze as he continued to massage me.

  “Thank you, but for once, it wasn’t your age that made me feel weird. I just got an email from my ex, followed by two missed calls.” I glanced at my phone and felt Simon’s hands stiffen on my shoulders.

  “Oh?” Simon walked around the bench to face me. “Cooper?”

  I squinted my eyes to see Simon through the brightness of the hazy sky. “Yep, the one and only. First, he sent me flowers last night and now...”

  “He did?” Simon said, with an edge to his voice.

  I saw a glimpse of some emotion cross his face, but it became carefully blank again as he sat on the bench. “I thought you said he was history.”

  “I thought so too, but apparently ghosts never really go away, do they? It’s kind of a long story.” I waved my hand dismissively and reached for the guidebook Simon held in his hands.

  He lifted it higher in the air. “Nope. I want to hear your story first.”