Tales From a Broad

by Melange Books, LLC

  An antique looking glass chandelier hung from a stucco ceiling and shone light on dark wood moldings and exposed beams. The wood was so dark it almost looked black and formed a nice contrast against the cream color of a veined marble floor. There was a whole lot of old age charm, even though the ambiance gave it a new age feel.

  Tess and I weren’t really in a party mood, so after walking around the city for a bit, we called it an early night. The highlight of our evening was when we received a box of marzipan in our room at turndown. It sweetened the fact that we had roommates, who happened to be out on the town.

  So what if no one offered to turn down my sleep sack? I got to go to bed sacked out with a fistful of everyone else’s candy.

  * * * *

  The next morning, my internal alarm clock screamed for me to get out of bed way too early. By the time evening came and we were en route to the notorious Hofbrauhaus, a beer hall in the Munich City Center, I was already on my fourth cup of coffee.

  “I’m exhausted,” I said to Tess, stifling a yawn. “I’m not so sure the Glockenspiel show was worth getting up for at the butt crack of dawn.”

  “Waste of time?” Tess said vaguely, slumping down in the backseat of the white Mercedes taxicab. She hadn’t been herself since Mark stood her up at the bar, but I couldn’t help wonder if perhaps she had come down with something. She’d still been incoherent when I left that morning, even though we’d already put in a full night’s sleep. She’d ended up sleeping most of the day away.

  “Was it a waste of time?” I repeated Tess’s question as I tapped the empty coffee cup on my lips. “Well, I wouldn’t go that far. It was definitely cool, for about the first five minutes, anyway. These little men marched out of the clock and danced in memory of the black plague and then jousting knights came out to kick a little ass.”

  I paused and slashed the air with an imaginary sword.

  “I read it was some sort of reenactment from back in the day. It was cute, but after about ten minutes of annoying yodeling music, by the time the bird tweeted three times to signal the finale, I just wanted to stuff him back into his little house myself.”

  Tess had been looking out the window and turned to give me a distracted smile.

  “I think the show is just another excuse to gather around and party. At half past noon, a band was in full swing, and the beers were flowing. By the way, I really think that beer is a basic part of nutrition in Munich.”

  Tess didn’t respond, and I reached over and tugged the back of her smooth ponytail. “Hey, shouldn’t you be smiling? This is supposed to be happy hour, right?” I gave her a playful nudge with my elbow.

  She looked at me and put on a strained closed-mouth smile.

  I cocked my head to the side and raised my eyebrows. “Are you kidding me? I can spot a real versus fake anything in an instant. Smiles included.”

  Tess looked down and fiddled with a string hanging from her purse.

  I reached into my bag for my nail clippers. “It’s not like you to be so doom and gloom. I thought that was my job.”

  I slid over and cut the loose string, which made Tess look up at me in surprise. “Yeah, that’s right. I’ve become quite the savvy traveler,” I said with pride.

  The taxi came to a sudden stop. I looked out the window at the traditional Bavarian fixture that sat in front of us.

  “Hofbrauhaus,” the driver said over his shoulder.

  “It looks like Germany in Epcot. Too bad we can’t just walk next door to Italy,” I said with a chuckle. I knew Tess was really looking forward to seeing Landon in Florence the next day.

  I laughed at my own joke and handed the driver ten euros. When I stepped onto the street, I pulled my damp hair out of the ponytail I’d been wearing and shook it free.

  “Did my air-dried pony do the trick? Do I look like one of those women in the hair commercials?” I batted my eyelashes as Tess came around the back of the car to join me.

  “What did you say?” Tess glanced up from her phone with a distracted look on her face.

  The door to the beer hall opened and I heard the sounds of Bavarian music and laughter until it closed shut again.

  “Okay, that’s it. We need to talk. You spent the entire day in our room. You haven’t laughed at any of my jokes, and I’m sorry, but you always laugh at me.” I sniffed. “Are you okay? Is it Mark?”

  “Yeah,” Tess said wistfully. “He called me like ten times today.” She held up her phone and showed me the missed calls.

  I stepped back in surprise. “Wow.” That lucky girl. I wouldn’t have minded a call from Simon.

  I sucked in a breath and widened my eyes. Simon? Where did that come from? I thought I had moved on to Cooper, but then again, my own thoughts never ceased to amaze me. I wouldn’t have wanted ten missed calls from Simon. Well, one might’ve been nice though. I wonder if he had thought about me at all. Would he have called if he had my number?

  “I just don’t know what to do. I shouldn’t call him back, right?” Tess said.

  “No,” I said in a firm tone. “No way, no how, no, no.” I pursed my lips together and winced as my teeth bit down on my lip.

  “I knew you would say that,” Tess said, as she pushed out her bottom lip. “See, what comes around, goes around. I practically yelled at you about Cooper, and you listened to my words of wisdom. I just wish I could follow my own advice.”

  Just thinking about the secret I’d kept from Tess made my stomach drop. I planned to see Cooper the next night and still didn’t have an exit strategy for Tess. Suddenly, my stomach was swimming again.

  Another string from Tess’s purse had come unraveled and was clinging to her tank top. This time I just wrapped it around my finger and yanked it off.

  “Stay strong. You know it’s best to cut all strings,” I scolded.

  Tess gave me a funny look and I too, was surprised by the firm tone of my own voice. It was as if my own subconscious was giving me the lecture.

  “C’mon.” I took a hold of Tess’s arm and gave it a pat. “Let’s go drown our sorrows. I think we could both use a drink.”

  Tess’s eyes widened and she nodded. “You can say that again. Let’s do it, and while we’re at it, let’s get shitty.”

  I snickered as we headed to the entrance. “Your mother would be so proud of me. How about we just start with a drink?”

  From the street to the door, I managed to not only berate myself about Cooper, but also question my chaperoning judgments. First, I got stoned with my niece in Amsterdam, and now I was her accomplice in Operation Get Shitty? I should never have allowed Tess to spend so much time alone with Mark.

  I opened the door to the beer hall and was immediately slapped across the face with life. The smell of roasted meat and beer wafted through the air and gave me a jolt of energy.

  The sounds of music, singing, laughter, and conversation filled the room and drowned out the noise in my head. Hundreds of people sat at long wooden tables. They held massive mugs of beers and swayed along to the beat of the Oompah band.

  The wait staff was dressed in traditional Bavarian clothing. The women wore white blouses with a black dirndl and red aprons, while the men wore Lederhosen and white shirts. They raced around the room, balancing a dozen heavy steins at a time.

  People were laughing, yelling, and singing in German. My senses came alive and my worries began to slip away.

  “This is so cool!” Tess shouted over the music. Apparently, the vibe was contagious. “You want to sit?”

  “Sure,” I said, eyeing the big baskets of salty hot pretzels scattered around the tables.

  “I can practically taste those.” I pointed to a waitress who walked by with a tray full and swallowed the saliva forming in my mouth. “There’s nothing like a little carbohydrate therapy.”

  “Aunt Lu,” Tess’s eyebrows were knit together, “I’m really sorry. I’ve been in my own world today. You don’t seem quite like yourself either.”

  “Ha. Who the hec
k is that? Honey, I don’t even know who my real self is anymore.”

  Tess cringed and made a clicking sound with her tongue. “Do you miss—“

  “No one,” I finished her sentence, dismissing her words with a wave.

  I was sorry I had opened my big mouth. All I knew was that I needed to stuff in a pretzel, asap. I looked around for an empty table and froze when I saw a table of senior citizens gaping at us.

  “Hey, is it me or are those old men checking us out?”

  Tess followed my gaze to the table of men. There were about seven of them, and they were all motioning for us to join them. “I think the beer went to their heads,” she said.

  “No kidding. They look like smitten little dwarves who just found Snow White and her sister.”

  “Well, in that case, you can be Snow White. It looks like Happy is on his way.” Tess nodded towards one of the old men heading towards us. Like the rest of his senior posse, he was short, chubby, and grinning from ear to ear.

  “Hello ladies.” He tipped his hat and smiled.

  I was pleasantly surprised to hear an American accent. “Hi there,” I replied.

  “This is totally innocent, and I can promise you we are not dirty old men. Well, most of us, anyway,” he said with a wink.

  Tess and I looked at each other and shared a smile.

  “You girls remind us of our granddaughters. Where are you from?”

  “New York?” Tess answered.

  “It sounds familiar,” he answered while bobbing his head. He looked over at me and winked.

  “We’re your neighbors over in New Jersey. The German-American Club has taken the show on the road. Please, let us buy you a beer.”

  He pointed to the table where the rest of the group sat. They were all smiles as they sat on the edge of their seats, waiting for their fearless leader to return.

  “You’ll make us all look good, and at the very least, please don’t make me look bad.” He placed a hand on his chest. “Whadaya say? Just know that if you say no, I will never live this down back at the clubhouse.”

  Tess and I looked at one another. The expression on his face was so endearing that neither of us had the heart to turn him down. Tess gave me a subtle nod.

  “Let’s do it,” I said. I linked arms with Happy dwarf who had already given his group the thumbs up sign. “I’m Lucy. This is Tess.” I had to shout as he led us past the band to his table.

  “And I’m drunk,” he yelled back.

  And that he was. I don’t think he stopped talking from the moment we sat down. He and his friends showered us with so many compliments that I was actually starting to feel like I could be a contender in the Miss Germany contest. They were interested in everything I said, laughed at all my jokes, and complimented me into oblivion. I was like a queen holding court, and I ruled the kingdom with a beer stein.

  After we had been there for about an hour, Tess announced she needed to use the ladies room. As she pushed her chair away from the table, I watched her remove her cell phone from inside her bag.

  My eyes narrowed, and I pointed an unsteady finger to her phone. “Who are you calling?”

  Tess wobbled as she stood up. “No one,” she protested.

  I nodded and turned my attention back to a man named Dan, for whom I was starting to have a real affinity. He was a dead ringer for Cooper’s deceased German grandfather, and, while initially I had found it to be endearing, at that particular moment, it began to bother me.

  I felt a lump in my throat, and a melancholy feeling washed over me. Over the past few months, I had been so Cooper-centric that I hadn’t even thought about the baggage that came along with him. Now that we had crossed the border where there were oodles of German stuff to remind me of Cooper’s family, I was suddenly aware that our breakup probably hadn’t affected only me.

  Not that I thought Cooper’s family was weeping and mourning, but I realized we had all lost more than just a glamorous wedding day. And shame on me for not realizing that sooner.

  Cooper’s mother had left two messages after the breakup. Why hadn’t I had the courage to return her calls? Chances were pretty high that Marjorie wasn’t calling for the crock-pot she had given us. She was probably just trying to help, and I suddenly felt terrible that it had taken me so long to pull my head out of my ass. I made a mental note to reach out when I got back to the States.

  All of a sudden, I longed for my past. Since the day before, I had been prompted by the embroidered pillows and cuckoo clocks that were the cornerstones of Cooper’s grandmother’s interior decorating. The blueberry pancakes I’d had for breakfast took me back to many lazy Sunday mornings at Cooper’s apartment, and the weinerschnitzel I’d eaten for lunch tasted exactly like his mother’s. I became completely nostalgic for the life I had shared with him.

  Sitting there, even the little old men affected me. Dwarf Dan was the icing on the apple strudel. Add to that all the beer I had consumed, and I wasn’t sure what was happening. It was as if I had gone from doing a hundred-twenty on the Autobahn to about ten miles per hour, and I struggled to pull the breaks on the waterworks.

  “Did you?” Dan said, suddenly interrupting my train of thought.

  I blinked at him. “Did I what?” I responded, completely bewildered, subtly dabbing my eyes while pretending to wipe beer foam from my upper lip.

  “Did you hear the latest joke about Jane Smith who lives over on the next block?”

  “No, what about her?” I forced a polite smile.

  “She had triplets. Then two weeks later, she had twins.”

  “That's impossible.” I dismissed it with a wave of my hand.

  “One of the triplets got lost.” Dan laughed so hard his shoulders shook. His red cheeks looked like shiny little apples.

  The harder he laughed, the more I wanted to cry. Feeling like I was on the brink of a breakdown, I pretended I was laughing too.

  I let my tears fall and wiped them away as if they were tears of laughter. Fake laughing while crying is pretty draining and borderline creepy. I think I even managed to freak Dan out. He anxiously excused himself to use the bathroom, and I closed my eyes, rubbed them hard, and reopened them to see the profile of a man in a Yankee hat.

  Was that...? No way. My heart pounded in my chest and I swooned from dizziness. I closed my eyes again and reopened them. Oh my God. Oh. My. God. It was Simon.

  I took a deep breath and looked down at the table. My body didn’t know which end was up and anxiety kept me riveted to my seat. When in doubt, bottoms up. I chugged the entire liter of beer that sat in front of me. That was the third one in an hour.

  One of the men who sat beside me leaned closer. I winced as he yelled in my ear. “Surely, I must be looking somewhat attractive to you by now?”

  My ear buzzed from the loudness of his voice. I made a mental note to tell Tess the man we coined Dopey was actually rather slick.

  “We’re gettin’ there,” I winked while I rubbed my ear. “Can you excuse me for a sec?”

  “Of course. You can’t ignore the call of nature.”

  “You got that right.” Nature was calling, and I was a dog in heat. I stood up and smoothed my tank top.

  I made my way over to Simon. There were about a dozen guys standing with him, and they were in the midst of a toast. As I waited for them to clink glasses, I took several deep breaths to relax and wondered if they were friends of Simon’s from back home. After the mug chug, I tapped him on the back and braced myself.

  Simon turned around, and without even allowing him a nanosecond to see me, I kissed him square on the lips. After a small pause, he hungrily returned the gesture with wet, sloppy kisses that were nothing like I remembered. It felt like a stranger was kissing me. I pulled back and smiled at him.

  All the blood drained from my face. Sweet Jesus, a stranger was kissing me.

  An alarm went off in my head, and I quickly pulled away to face the pimply mess I’d just kissed. I inhaled sharply and sucked in some of his ba
d breath in the process. My hand flew to my mouth in horror. His friends roared with laughter. As the sounds around me became deafening, I could actually feel vomit rising in my throat.

  “I ... I...” I swallowed. “You’re not Simon.

  “And you’re not a girl,” not-so-Simon said with his lip curled. “You’re like, old!”

  “Excuse me?” I tasted bitter saliva in my mouth and swallowed hard. I looked down at his University of Wisconsin t-shirt.

  “It’s my twenty-first birthday,” the guy slurred, glaring at me. “My buddies dared me to kiss a random girl tonight. I didn’t expect her to be someone my mother’s age.”

  Twenty-freaking-one. I shook my head in disbelief and rubbed my burning lips. “Well, I didn’t expect you to be a child,” I snorted. Or a he-she. I had noticed flabby breasts underneath his shirt.

  “Dude, you landed a MILF,” his friend said, slapping him on the back.

  “I don’t know about that,” he sneered.

  I felt my hands shaking with rage. “You’re right. I’m not a mother and—”

  Suddenly, the loudest belch known to man came roaring out of the dark depths of my soul. It was if an alien had escaped me in his entirety.

  Then suddenly I felt something else escaping, and before I could move, vomit erupted and landed all over the feet of the birthday boy.

  “What the fuck?” He stood frozen in a puddle of regurgitated food.

  My tongue seemed to be attached to the roof of my mouth. With shaking fingers, I wiped the corners of my mouth and pried my mouth open. It definitely was not my finest moment. I did my best to recover.

  “I’m sorry. Your breath was just so, ugh,” I said with a shiver.

  His face turned various shades of red as his friends roared with laughter around him.

  “Happy birthday,” I grumbled.

  I spun on my heels and surveyed the room rapid-fire. I needed either an exit sign or a suicide bomber to come rolling in. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I saw the exit and bee-lined towards the door. Keep walking, don’t look back, keep walking, don’t look back. I repeated the chant over and over until I busted my way outside.