Tales From a Broad

by Melange Books, LLC

  “I’m pretty solid on the court,” Cooper said dryly. “I really don’t think I would surprise myself with some dumb game.”

  “It’s just for fun.”

  “I didn’t make it this far in life playing video games,” Cooper snapped.

  “Oh, lighten up,” Mark said. “My brother plays all the time. It doesn’t affect his career.”

  “Is that what your brother calls it? A career?” Cooper said in a nasty tone.

  I stopped dead in my tracks. I opened my mouth to speak, but the words wouldn’t come out. Instead of entering the common room, I walked right out the door. I decided to leave Mark to shove the joystick up Cooper’s ass for insulting his brother. As I picked up the phone to call my sister again, the last thing I heard was Mark’s voice.

  “Didn’t your mom ever teach you never to judge a book by its cover?” Kudos to him for taking the high road. He’d handled it a lot better than I would have.

  I speed-dialed my sister. “Morgan? It’s me again,” I said quickly as she answered. I stepped onto the sidewalk and quickly ducked into a leather shop beside the pensione.

  “Wow. Twice in one—”

  “Listen,” I said with my voice breaking. “I’m really upset.”

  “Oh, honey,” Morgan cooed. “What happened?”

  “Oh, I’m just such a mess,” I whispered. “Simon left me a sketch of the garden and oh my God, Morgan, you should see it. The best part is that he made it for me, with his own two hands. I feel like I’ve been so blind and—”

  “Okay, take a deep breath,” she interrupted. “When exactly is Cooper leaving?” She sounded like a sergeant in the army getting ready to deploy a missile.

  “I don’t know. Sometime after we have dinner.”

  I looked around the store and remembered the promise I’d made to Morgan.

  “Did you say you wanted a zipper close or a snap?”

  “What?” she said.

  “The wallet. I’m in a leather store. Just answer the question.”

  “Why are you worried about this now? Have a nice meal, say your goodbyes, and go find Simon. You have a few days to hang with him before Venice. That’s plenty of time to figure things out. You’re out of the U.S. You’ve already crossed the border, so in my opinion, whatever emotional borders you also cross shouldn’t count.”

  “You’re right.” I had to laugh despite the crappy way I was feeling. I chose a wallet for Morgan and on my way to the register, a brown one caught my eye. It was handsome and rugged, reminding me of Simon and the disheveled way he had carried his cash in Paris. I tossed it onto the counter.

  “Cooper will be waiting for you in New York. You need to use the rest of this trip to clear your head and make damn sure,” she said firmly, “that he’s the man you want to marry.”

  The word ‘marry’ caused my temple to pulsate. I closed my eyes and rubbed the center of my forehead. “Do you think he is?” I said weakly. “Everything feels so different all of a sudden.”

  I held the phone away from my mouth and looked at the store clerk. “Morgan, hang on a sec. Can you gift wrap that?” I said. The woman behind the counter looked at me quizzically and I pointed to a roll of wrapping paper that sat next to the register.

  “Ah.” she cried. “Si.”

  “Grazie,” I nodded.

  “Lu, nothing is different all of a sudden. You’re different, but in a good way. It doesn’t matter what I think. What matters is what you think, right? How do you feel when you’re with Cooper, when he’s not cutting you down like a woodsman?”

  Despite the stress I was feeling, I giggled into the phone. “Sorry, the image of Cooper with an ax makes me laugh.”

  “Well, the man you should marry is the one who makes you feel complete. Not broken into pieces.” I imagined my sister smiling into the phone. “You already told me how good you feel with Simon, but does Cooper give you that same feeling? Who makes you feel truly happy?”

  “Hey, there you are,” a voice exclaimed behind me.

  I turned around and came face to face with Cooper. “It’s Cooper,” I said into the phone, forcing a smile.

  “Well, there you go,” Morgan said dryly. “I guess that solves that one.”

  I heard a trace of bitterness in her voice.

  “No,” I replied hastily. “Cooper’s here. Right in front of me,” I explained, rolling my eyes at Cooper. “I’ll call you later.”

  “Oh!” Morgan exclaimed. “Okay,” she said firmly. “Just say your goodbyes like a big girl. Don’t stir the pot. Act, don’t react. You’ve always had a tendency to—”

  “Okay byeeeeee,” I sang. “Sorry,” I said turning to Cooper. “My sister is a bit slow on the uptake.”

  “No, I’m sorry,” Cooper apologized. “My flight’s been cancelled, so I actually have a car coming for me now. I need to get to the airport early. I’m standing by for a different flight. First class, of course.”

  “Of course.”

  “I needed to get out of there anyway. That Mark rubs me the wrong way.” He shook his head and pulled me in close. “Baby, I’m really going to miss you.”

  “Well, this isn’t good bye,” I said, putting my head on his chest. I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eyes.

  “Right,” he murmured. “What’s another couple of weeks when we’ll be together forever?” He moved his hands down to my shoulders and stepped back so he could see me. His hands caressed the sides of my neck.

  I looked him square in the eyes, trying to formulate a reply.

  “The first thing we’re going to do,” Cooper continued, saving me from a response, “is go to our favorite little spot on Fifth. That is, after we retire that beloved tank top of yours.”

  I felt like the hands massaging my neck were starting to close in on my throat. I swallowed nervously. He dropped his hands to the small of my back, and my skin began to crawl.

  “You know what?” I said slowly pulling back. “The Peninsula Hotel is hardly a little spot and for the record,” I said, pausing to swallow again. “I hate that place.” I was surprised that I actually felt slightly liberated.

  Cooper gave me a sideways look. “You do? Since when?”

  I smiled gratefully as the clerk handed me my purchases, and I walked ahead of Cooper, leading him back to the street.

  “Oh, probably since the first time you took me there,” I said, nodding my head. “I hate everything about it, and come to think of it, that’s not all I hate. I hate the way you tend to make me feel.”

  I watched his eyes widen and felt a thrill. A surge of confidence slowly replaced my anxiety.

  “The way I make you feel?” Cooper said, incredulous. “I treat you like a princess.”

  “Yes, you do. Princess Perfect.” I frowned. “Cooper, I’m not perfect, and I’m okay with that. I love my tank top. And you know what I wear to bed these days? A college t-shirt from 1992. I love it in its entirety. Stretched out and ripped up.”

  Cooper’s mouth hung open, and the more of a rise I got out of him, the more satisfaction I felt.

  “I don’t like to wear the matching bra and underwear sets you bought from La Perla,” I said dramatically, for effect. “Silk from the south of France,” I scoffed. “Who gives a rat’s ass? Cotton rocks, and the last thing I need to worry about is making sets.”

  Cooper continued to stare at me, dumbfounded.

  “You know what else I hate?”

  He shook his head slowly as if he were afraid to answer.

  “Sharing sorbets. I want my own goddamn dessert. A big, fat real one,” I cried, holding my hands out. “Each time you make me share a half a cup of raspberry whatever the hell it is, I go home and eat my own pint. Not of sorbet,” I said with a finger in the air. “Ben and Jerry’s. Full fat,” I whispered with malice.

  Cooper took a step back as if he feared me. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this?”

  “The things you were offering were the things I thought I should want. Whenever I did
speak up, you acted like I was foolish, so I began to think I was. I hid my own opinions and denied my feelings. That was my mistake,” I said sadly. “And now, for the first time in a very long while, I finally know who I am and what I want.”

  “Where’s this coming from, all of a sudden?”

  “I don’t know.” I shrugged. “My feelings must’ve gotten smothered in all the fancy clothes you gave me. This is for the months of heartache you put me through.”

  “If you weren’t ready to forgive me, why didn’t you just say so?”

  “Good question!” I practically shouted into the air. A couple walked by and gave me a strange look.

  “Shhh.” Cooper silenced me with his hand.

  “Oh, whatever. Who cares what strangers think?”

  I swallowed the lump that had risen in my throat. “We’re so different, Cooper. I was going to take you back,” I cried in disbelief, clasping my hands together in a tight fist. “Now, I’ve just realized that would be the biggest mistake I could ever make. You dumped me on the West Side Highway. The West Side fucking Highway. All because I have rotten eggs,” I spat.

  “But worse, Cooper, as humiliating as that is, I have realized,” I continued, my voice getting softer as my anger shifted to sadness, “that we were never meant to be at all.”

  “I thought we’d been having fun. Just last night we talked about moving in together.” The vein from before was back, and it was bulgier than ever.

  “You talked about moving in together,” I reminded him. “I’m sorry,” I said with a hand on my chest. “I was really trying to fall back in love with you again.”

  Cooper’s face registered hurt and then quickly recovered to a more neutral expression. “Well, I’m sorry to hear that,” he said matter-of-factly. “It sounds like you’ve made up your mind, and truthfully, I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

  “Well, this is the real me,” I said.

  I looked at him with tears in my eyes, realizing that this time, we were finished for good. I felt awful that he had to fly halfway across the world for me to realize this, but it was exhilarating to know I’d been pining away for something I no longer wanted.

  “And that’s the real you,” I said, pointing a finger to his chest. “And you’re just not the right man for me. Let’s be honest. I’m probably not the right woman for you either. We want different things out of life, and both of us deserve someone who will allow us to remain true to ourselves. We can try to change for one another, but neither of us will be happy in the end. We are who we are.” I drew in a shaky breath and slowly exhaled, surprised by how good the truth sounded. For once, the three amigos and I were on the same page. My stomach felt better, and while my heart may have been racing, it felt lifted, and my head felt a thousand pounds lighter.

  Cooper paused and released a long sigh. “I guess,” he said reluctantly. “I really don’t know what to say.”

  “I’d say you probably don’t like this version of me, huh?” I said with a grimace in attempt to lighten the mood.

  “Eh,” Cooper sniffed ruefully. “Not so much,” he said with a tight smile. “Honestly, Luce, I just want for you to be happy. That’s what you really deserve.”

  We stared at each other for a long minute until he finally looked away. “I better go...” He trailed off, glancing down at his phone.

  I sniffed and wiped away the tears that had fallen onto my cheek. Without another word, Cooper turned on his heel and walked off.

  “Bravo! Bravo!” cried a tinny female voice from far away. I looked around, but all I saw was a defeated Cooper walking onto the street.

  “Lucy? Lu?” It sounded as if my sister was stuffed into my purse, and I realized I hadn’t hung up the phone.

  “Oh my God!” I cried, snatching it out of my bag.

  “Did you hear—”

  “Every word!” Morgan shouted. I held the receiver away from my ear. “I couldn’t be more proud of you, but how do you feel?”

  “Sad, but liberated,” I smiled with relief.

  “Good. Now, hang up with me, for real this time, and go talk to Simon,” she ordered. “Unless you want to keep me on hold? I was about to do laundry but would much rather listen to you.”

  “Good bye, Morgan,” I sang and firmly hit the button to end the call.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Life’s too short for sorbet. There are better scoops in the case, so skip the sorbet and go right to the gelato. And while you’re at it, make it a double.

  Facebook Status June 14 at 9:30pm

  To: Tess (mobile)

  From: Lucy

  10:00pm

  Hi Tess—Are you hanging with the guys?

  From: Tess (mobile)

  To: Lucy

  10:01pm

  Just Mark. Landon went to bed early. Did Cooper find you?

  To: Tess (mobile)

  From: Lucy

  10:02pm

  Oh, he found me alright. I’ll fill you in later. Have you seen Simon?

  From: Tess (mobile)

  To: Lucy

  10:05pm

  Simon’s gone. :( He went to Rome to meet up with Mark’s friend Chaz. Remember that clown from London? Anyway, he’s heading back to Chicago on Sunday. He didn’t say bye?

  * * * *

  Simon was gone? I’d been so busy rehearsing what to say and trying to make myself perfect before I saw Simon, that I’d missed him.

  Maybe if I ran to the window I could still catch him? I was halfway to the bathroom door when I realized how ridiculous that was. This wasn’t a Julia Roberts movie. I wasn’t going to be able to dramatically throw open my window and see my prince standing on the sidewalk. I sunk down on the toilet in despair, hit the redial button on my phone, and waited for Morgan to pick up.

  “Hello, Love Doctor, may I help you?”

  “No,” I replied sadly into the phone. “No one can. I blew it, Morgan. Simon already left.”

  Morgan gasped. “Left? What do you mean? Where is he?”

  “Rome,” I whimpered into the phone.

  “Oh, Lu....”

  “I’ve come full circle. I came here alone and am leaving alone. Might I add, feeling way worse than when I started this journey.”

  I looked around the pensione bathroom, at the bare fixtures and plain white towel on the rack. What was I doing here? At that moment, all I wanted was to be back home curled on my familiar couch under my favorite afghan.

  My voice dropped as I pleaded with Morgan. “Would you mind if I ceased my chaperone duties and just came home? I know we’re only at the halfway point, but Landon was supposed to meet up with us again next week, and Tess is in great hands with Mark. Please? She’s a good girl, Morgan. They’re going to do whatever they’re going to do, whether I’m here or not. I just ... I just want to be home now.” I fought back tears and waited for Morgan’s response.

  “I know,” Morgan sighed. “I’d rather not think about what Tess is going to do or not do. Lu, I had such high hopes for you on this trip. I’m sorry. Come home. If that’s what you need now, it’s fine with me.”

  “You had high hopes?” I laughed bitterly, thinking of all my dreams of finding myself when we started this trip. “I feel like I’m right back to where I started: heartbroken, confused and alone.”

  “Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Morgan said in gentle tone. “Remember, I heard what you said to Cooper. It seems to me you learned quite a bit about the person you are when you got out from under his thumb.”

  “True, and I’ve regained an interest in writing,” I added. “So what if I’m going to die alone? I’m just going to lock myself in my apartment and write.”

  “Listen Lucy, regarding Cooper, you did the right thing kicking him to the curb. I’m sorry, but Simon was right. The guy’s a narcissistic a-hole.”

  “Tell me how you really feel,” I said dryly.

  “Okay,” Morgan continued. “He had some hell of a nerve showing up expecting you to—”

  “I
was kidding. I don’t need to take any more abuse about Cooper. I was blind and in denial. Plain and simple. Now I’ve lost Simon in the process. Just when I decided to remove the bubble wrap from my heart and not be afraid to get hurt... Arrggh,” I groaned loudly.

  “Can you call him?” Morgan offered.

  “And say what? Morgan, he’s gonzo. I was mean and unappreciative. I totally deserve this.”

  Morgan let out a loud sigh into the phone. “Go get a good night’s sleep. You can book a flight when you wake up. Everything looks better in the morning.”

  “I hope so.” I crossed my fingers in the air. “I’m going to give Tess the head’s up that I’m coming home before I hit the hay.”

  “Go to bed,” she said firmly. “I’ll take care of telling Tess. Actually, eat a gelato and then go to bed. Sugar therapy.”

  “Good idea. The perfect way to bid adieu to sorbet,” I sighed. “Thanks, Morgan. Love you.”

  “Love you too, Lu.”

  * * * *

  The next morning, as the sun crept into my room and the sounds of Florence entered, I woke up with a smile on my face—until I opened my eyes and saw my empty cup of gelato. Memories rushed back from the night before.

  After talking to Morgan, I had thrown myself a gelato-fueled pity party, while reliving all of my moments with Simon and wondering how I was going to move on alone in New York. Finally, exhausted and out of gelato, I had dried my eyes with a napkin, thrown it into the empty cup, and set the cup on top of Simon’s sketch before passing out on top of the sheets. Now when I focused on the cup, I nearly burst into tears again.

  “Oh no.” I reached for the cup. As I lifted it, a chocolate ring was left behind, circling the beautiful patch of roses Simon had drawn. I couldn’t hold back the tears that filled my eyes any longer, and I fell back onto the bed, sobbing.

  “I thought things were supposed to look better in the morning, Morgan. This is all I have left of Simon,” I yelled at the ceiling.