"No Caleb... I'm not mad. I just have something that I need to do. I'll be back in an hour. You two drink a glass of wine for me." Yeah but make it a bottle instead! He's really going to call her? Oh please, please be joking with me.
They both nod at me and I hear Amelia chastising Caleb on the way out the door about how he can do way better than Amy and that looks aren't everything and that she doubted she was smart and had a personality. You go Momma Amelia! Straighten that son of yours out for me please and thank you.
I jumped into my car and headed towards one of my best friends because I have to talk to somebody before I go off on somebody. When I go off on someone it's never pretty. Better to get it off my chest now instead of later on at home and take it out on Caleb. That wouldn’t be a good thing!
************
I pulled into the cemetery with Vanessa's favorite bouquet of white roses that I stopped off to buy on my way here. I know she doesn't care if I bring her flowers or not but it's something I have always done when I come visit her and it’s been awhile since I’ve come to visit her.
I know I should have gone to see Olivia and bared my soul to her but I only have an hour for lunch and it would take me that long to drive to her house. A phone call is definitely not the right way to tell your best friend 'Oh hey! Ten years ago I got pregnant and put my son up for adoption!' Yeah.. Just thinking it makes me feel like a crappy friend in the fact that I never told her. I had a good solid reason though so she will just have to forgive me when or IF I tell her.
I walked up to Vanessa's grave and I always feel a sense of peace when I come here to talk to her. It's been awhile since I've come to visit which is why I'm about to burst and blow up from my emotions. I sat down on the ground and thanked God that I went with a pant suit today versus the usual dress or skirt that I normally wear.
"Oh Vanessa... I so need to talk to you right now. You're the only one that knew why I did what I did. Even Derek couldn't get it. I know he said he did but hey! You met him, haha." I started pulling away weeds that have grown underneath her tombstone while I collected my thoughts.
"Do you remember the only thing that I requested in the adoption? That they send me pictures of him on his birthday every year? Well... He turned 10 years old 4 months ago and I haven't received a picture yet. I don't know what to think about it honestly. Have they decided that I don't need to know what he looks like anymore? Has something happened? Is he sick? Are they sick? I don't know what to do Vanessa. Legally I can't do anything and I can't call them or the adoption attorney and say 'hey! I want my pictures of my son!' Because legally... He's not my son! I don't know what to do!"
The tears that I have been holding back slid down my cheeks and I immediately hated myself for shedding them. I am NOT a crier! I refuse to cry about anything. I refuse to watch dramas or movies on the hallmark channel because I am so against crying. My mother always told me that crying meant proving your weaknesses and I am not weak!
"Vanessa? I don't know what to do! Now Caleb is back and all I want to do is crawl into his arms and let him hold me and you know that I've never been one to want to just be held and have someone let me cry it out. What's wrong with me? I know...I know... I can hear you telling me now what I should do. Talk to Olivia, Claud. She's going to be so mad at me for not telling her after all of these years. So, so mad at me. I can’t do it. It’s been too many years and she’s not going to understand why I never told her."
"Why would I be mad at you for anything Claud? And what would I not understand?" I jumped and turned around and there's Olivia, standing right behind me looking as panicked as I felt.
"Holy shit!! What in the hell are you doing here? You can't just sneak up on people in a cemetery like that!" I pulled a tissue out of my purse and wiped my cheeks off that I know have to look horribly tear stained with mascara running down my cheeks.
"Today would have been Jenna's birthday so I brought her some flowers and a little figurine. You still haven't answered my questions. Why would I be mad at you and how come I wouldn’t understand?" I stood up to pull my keys out of my purse. This is not how or when I wanted to talk to her about this.
"Oh it's nothing. I'm just pms'ing is all. Don't you just hate how one week a month will make you bawl at any little thing?" I wasn't about to look her in the eyes. I might be a cut throat lawyer but she can always tell when I'm lying. Even through the phone! I thought I was going to make it to my car without having to explain myself until I felt her hand on my back.
"Claud... Talk to me okay. Something is obviously wrong and I don't believe you for a minute on the PMS story. I've known for a while now that something just isn't right with you and I've been patiently waiting for you to talk to me so come on... Talk to me. There's no time like the present."
I turned around and looked at her and I saw her worried concern behind her half smile of reassurance. Oh my God! I am so not ready for this conversation today but I can feel the dam about to burst so I plunged into the deep waters that I have been avoiding for so long.
"Okay... Here goes and please just let me say everything that I need to say before you cut in. It's going to take everything I have to spit it out and I'm on the edge of having a nervous breakdown right now. Okay?" More tears start sliding down my cheeks and I feel panicked and almost to the point of losing it and I had to hold on to my car for balance.
"Oh my God, Claud. Let's get inside your car so that you can sit down because this sounds like a sit down conversation. I promise, I won't say a word until you're through." I nodded at her and got in behind the driver’s seat and waited for her to get in. I breathed in and out a few times and just let it all out.
"I have... Or shall I say... I had a baby and put him up for adoption 10 years ago. The only two people that knew I had him and gave him up were Vanessa and Derek. I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you but I knew you would try to talk me out of it, and try to talk me into raising the baby as your own, and I couldn't do that to him, or you for that matter, because you already had your hands full with Derek and Jordan. When I had him, you had just found out that you were pregnant with Jeremiah. I haven't gotten a picture this year from his birthday that was months ago and I don't know what to do! It was in the adoption that they would send me a picture of him every year for his birthday and I haven't gotten anything from them and I'm scared to death that something has happened O! I'm going out of my mind! Now Caleb is back and I can't keep up with the lies anymore and all I want is for someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay! I don't know what to do! I always know what to do!! I just feel so…. So helpless right now!"
I look over at her with my tear filled eyes and I see that she's crying as well which makes me cry even harder. She leans over and cradles me and we both sit there for a few minutes crying. Me for my baby, and I know Olivia for the both of us and the helpless feeling of not being able to help me with my grief. It was Olivia that said something first.
"Claud... I understand why you didn't want me knowing and you're right... I would have tried to talk you out of putting him up for adoption but you have to know that I would have stood by whatever decision that you made. I could have helped you deal with everything all of these years. Is this why you won't even think about having a relationship with anyone?"
"Yes. I know you would have backed me but I just felt that you would have resented my decision and never forgiven me since you already had one baby and another one on the way. I know I made the right decision for him and I gave him to such beautiful wonderful couple that couldn't have any children of their own. I didn't want to have to struggle to clothe or feed him or even resent him if I had to quit college so I did what was best for him. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him though."
"I can understand that but you seem terrified. Do you think that something's happened to him?"
Even though technically by law I'm not his mother my mother's intuition is in full force and that's exactly what my brain is tell
ing me and why I feel so helpless. I nodded my head at her.
"Yes. I am terrified that something has happened to him. Do I try to track down the adoption attorney? What if he tells me that they want all ties cut off with me?" I pulled out my wallet and pulled my sons pictures out that I always keep behind my credit cards and showed them to her. "What if these are the last pictures I ever get of him? I think I can handle that but I really think something is wrong, O!"
"Okay... What if... Now don't get mad that I'm suggesting this but what if I have Cash look into this for you so that they don't have to know you're involved. You know Cash can find out anything you need to know." I started shaking my head but she stopped me. "Just to give you some peace of mind. I'm sure that everything is fine and he's going to find out just that and then you can accept that maybe just maybe they've decided to not send you anymore pictures."
"Olivia... I don't know... I mean... It has taken me ten years to tell you this and now you want to bring Cash into the mix? Before you know it everyone in the family is going to know and I can't handle the looks I'll get from everyone."
"What look is that exactly? You did the most selfless thing a mother could do for her child. Did you think about aborting him?"
"Maybe half a second when his biological father threw money in front of my feet but I could never do that. I seriously thought about keeping him... I really did. Derek and Vanessa both tried talking me into it but I knew I couldn't do it. I just... I don't know... Loved myself more I guess and I can't handle the judgments from everyone on how selfish I was in my decision." I have never been a smoker but I'm seriously thinking about picking up the habit just to calm myself. I need a drink! Yes! That's on the agenda for tonight. Lots and lots of wine!
"You stop that right now! You are not and I repeat NOT selfish! If you didn't love your baby as much as I can tell that you did or shall I say DO, you would have had an abortion or given him to me and not have cared about how he affected our lives. You gave him to a couple that would spend 100% of their time loving him and doting on him and giving him the attention that you couldn't provide him. That my dear is the definition of SELFLESS! Never again, NEVER call yourself selfish in my presence again! Okay?" I looked her in the eyes and I could tell that she truly meant everything that she just said to me which has me sobbing like a baby all over again. She pulled me into her arms and kept trying to soothe me with her words.
"Claud... Do you remember the time that you told me that you wished I saw myself the way you saw me? It seems so long ago but I never forgot it. You need to take your own piece of advice right here and look at yourself the way I see you. Yes you tend to be a bit high maintenance. Yes you love designer clothes but that doesn't mean you're selfish. You always think of others first before your own needs and as much as you try to act like the big bad witch, deep down you're a little kitten that craves for love and attention. So... Are you going to let me have Cash help or not? I'm assuming mums the word and you don't want any of this repeated right? I know how you feel about Caleb... Have you thought about talking to him about any of this?"
"Ugh! If I talk to him about all of this it'll just allow him to break down all of my walls which will have me falling deeper in love with him. I'm not ready for any of that and I don't deserve him and he's too great of a guy for me to hurt."
"Hmmm... So you ARE in love with him! Haha... I always suspected and I'm sorry but you're a complete idiot! You deserve all of the happiness in the world Claud. If I deserve it then you do, too. He's a Kingston man. Come on Claud! He's the cream of the crop and you have to know that he's still and I mean STILL madly in love with you."
"No he's not! He thinks I'm gay for one and trust me. After the way he flirted with the wannabe secretary that applied for the job earlier he's totally over me!" That little interview with Amy, Sex on a Stick, still had me ticked off by the obvious flirting on his part.
"He doesn't think you're gay. Oh... Well... If you say so... I mean... Okay. Sure." I noticed that she looked out the window which let me know that she was hiding something and when she starts sputtering her words that's another sign.
"Okay Olivia! Spill it! What do you know? And why did you tell Amelia to apply for the secretary job? You know that she hates me don't you?" She turned around and faced me with a shocked look on her face.
"She doesn't hate you. Why would you think that she did? She absolutely adores you and thinks that you're as beautiful as a Greek goddess. Which you are, by the way." I rolled my eyes at her because I didn't believe a word that she was saying.
"She adores me huh? Does she know that I'm not gay? She gave me a wink earlier that made me think that she was on to me." I look over at her and she immediately looked out of the window again which let me know that yes indeed. Amelia knows all.
"Olivia! I trusted you! Are you telling me that you couldn't help me keep this one little lie for me? Does Caleb know the truth as well?" We have window again! Oh my freaking God! She finally went ahead and got brave and looked me in the eye and grinned her pearly whites at me which had me shaking my head.
"In my defense... It was Cash that told Caleb. Some sort of pay back prank that I told him better not blow up in my face. I've never had a discussion with Caleb about this topic at all." I shook my head at her letting her know that I didn't believe her. "I promise! As far as Amelia goes? Well... You can blame that on both Mom AND Amelia for cornering me and asking me point blank if it was true and all I did was look at them and I didn't even have to say a word so yeah... I guess you could say that your secret is out." She scrunched up her brow and gave me her I'm so sorry smile. "Um... Sorry??"
"Sorry? That's all you have to say for yourself? Sorry? How long has Caleb known?"
"Um... Since... Um... Well... The beginning? Yes... Since the beginning. Wow! It's so good to get that out! Man! What a relief that was to tell you. I swear my shoulders don't seem to weigh as much now. Whew! So glad that's out there now and I don’t have to lie or change the subject anymore."
I shook my head at her and started banging my head against the steering wheel. I accidentally made the horn go off a couple of times so I leaned back and sighed.
"I cannot believe this! I really can't wrap my head around this wealth of information right now. Right now I want to make sure that Grayson is okay."
"Grayson?" She looked down at the pictures she was still holding and really looked at him. "Grayson... He looks like a Grayson. What a cool name. Ya know... He favors Jeremiah and Jenna quite a bit. He has yours and Jenna's eyes but his facial features are a lot like Jeremiah's so much that they could have passed for brothers instead of cousins."
"Yeah... I know. Not that Jeremiah was my favorite but he was born after I had Grayson and I often wondered if he had his temperament as well. Man I miss him. All of them, but especially Jeremiah. I hope you get that and understand now why I was closest to him." She reached over and patted me on the hand.
"I do... It actually makes sense now at how close you two were." She pulled her cell phone out of her purse. "Give me the parents’ names and where they live and I'll have Cash look into it for you okay? I'm sure that everything is fine."
Should I just leave it alone and accept the fact that the adoptive parents have decided that I'm not worthy of seeing my son grow up even if it’s in pictures? Or should I go ahead and just let Cash give me the peace of mind that I so desperately need? I just want to know that he's okay. This feeling I have isn't going to go away until I know for sure. I can accept them not sending me any pictures anymore as long as I know that he's okay.
"Okay... I'll shoot you an email with what information I have and go ahead and give it to him, but please O. I don't want this going any further than Cash." I looked at her to make sure that she got my meaning which would be not telling the rest of the family.
"Not a word of it to anyone other than Cash. I promise. Will you tell me one thing though? Who's the father? You never mentioned him other than him throwing money at your feet."
****************
"Geez Claud! Do you plan on eating all of the noodles or are you going to share?"
I looked up and I hadn't been paying attention to what I was doing, and had kept spooning out more noodles onto my plate, of take out from the Chinese place, we got dinner from, and brought home. I put half of my plate of food back into the box and grabbed a bottle of wine and filled my glass to the rim. I ignored the shocked look on his face when he noticed how much wine I put in my glass and never offered him any.
"Sorry. I guess I zoned out for a minute there." The last thing that I'm in the mood for is a fight so I reached for my wine glass and downed it and filled it up to the rim again.
"A minute? Try all afternoon. Remind me to have a two hour lunch and leave you at the office not knowing what to do. I'm glad you came back because I wouldn't have known the code to lock the door when I left or a ride home for that matter." I slammed my fork down onto my plate and got up and grabbed my extra set of keys off of the hook where I leave them and pulled a key off the ring and shoved it in front of him.
"Here ya go you big baby! Here's an extra key to the office and the code to the alarm is 7103. So, if I decide to skip again, maybe you won't feel so helpless!"
I sat back down in front of my plate and realized that I've lost whatever appetite I had. I never ate lunch because I had planned on getting something to eat after I left from visiting Vanessa but Olivia delayed me on that opportunity. By the time I left the cemetery I felt so bad about being gone from the office for so long that I decided to wait until dinner to eat. I could feel him staring at me so I looked up and stared him down.
Found by Love Page 4
