Why did I just say that? We finally admit to how we feel about each other and have sex and now I want to marry him? Omg Claud, at least wait for him to ask you. I'm completely losing it because I've never wanted to marry ANYONE and I've never felt so out of control with my life since... Well... I guess the last time I let my guard down and ended up pregnant with Grayson. Whatever I said must have been funny because he's laughing his ass off at me right now.
"Okay... First off... She will LOVE Grayson as if he were her own flesh and blood grandson to which he will be... her grandson that is. Do you not remember our conversation yesterday morning about me saying I wanted to raise kids with you? Albeit that was when you were ‘gay’ but I did put that out there and seeing as how you actually do have a son, technically... We have a son together and um yes! I do want to marry you and will marry you, seeing as how you just asked me and all."
Not only did he do the air quotes when he emphasized on the word gay but he winked at me. I forgot all about his little offer of raising kids together. That was just yesterday morning? Oh my word this has been a crazy 24 hours with a lot happening.
"You know I wasn't REALLY asking you to marry me right? I mean... My main focus here is Grayson and doing what's best for him. For all I know he doesn't even want to have anything to do with me and this trustee guy is just trying to get him somewhere to where he doesn't have to deal with him anymore." He turned in his seat to where he's looking directly into my eyes and sighed.
"You already asked Cru and I gave you my answer so yes... We are getting married so deal with it. Since you asked me then does that mean that you have to go out and buy ME an engagement ring or do I still have to buy YOU one? Hmmm... I bet Mother would know the answer to that." He reached into his pocket for his phone and pulled it out to make a call.
"Don't you dare! Have you lost your mind? I'm not buying you a ring! You'll have to buy ME one Nerd Boy! I mean. No! Wait! What?" I looked at him and he's grinning from ear to ear and then he looked out the window and pointed and I realize that we have pulled up to Mathias' house which happens to be right on the beach.
"Oh God, we're here already? How did we get here so quickly? You completely distracted me the whole ride and I was planning on figuring out what to say."
"That my dear was my whole plan. To distract you because your mind takes you to some crazy Cray, Cray places when you get to thinking too hard. Come here and let me hold you for a minute before we get out so that you can calm down. You're shaking again baby."
I crawled into his lap to let him hold me like the scared little girl that I try to pretend that I'm not. I realize that it's definitely time to grow up though. There's a little boy just a few hundred feet from me that needs me to finally be the parent to him that I was unable to be when he was born. I pulled away from him to run my fingers through my hair and try to straighten my clothes up and look presentable and looked over at him.
"It's time for me to put my big girl panties on now huh. Okay... Let's go. I can do this. Right?" I give him one of my best fake smiles and shrug my shoulders.
"Aww, that's my girl. Yes you can do this Claud. And don't forget... I'm right here with you every step of the way okay. Here..." He opened the door and extended his hand in to me when he got out. "Hold my hand so that if you feel like running away you can just hang on to me alright? You've got this, Baby." I grabbed his hand to let him pull me out and he gave me the sweetest kiss on the forehead. Once again I silently ask myself what took me so long to give him a chance.
We walked up to the front door of the beach house which is much bigger than what I was expecting and knocked on the door. I suddenly feel the urge to throw up but Caleb squeezing my hand distracts me and I look up at him to draw strength from him. His grin alone calmed my nerves while we patiently waited for someone to answer the door. When the door finally opens, a gorgeous woman who seems to be of an Italian descent answered the door.
"Hello... My name is Maria and I assume you are Miss Claudia Porter? Welcome... Come in please. Mr. Jackson is in the other room with Mr. Grayson and they have been expecting you." I extended my hand out to her and she shook it in return.
"Nice to meet you Maria, this is Caleb Kingston, my... boyfriend."
Now that's the first time I've uttered those words since high school. I looked over at Caleb and he is grinning at me and he then reached out and shook Maria's hand and we followed her into what I am assuming is the living room.
The view is fantastic with floor to ceiling sized windows surround the massive room with an amazing beautiful view of the ocean in the background. I know that Cash and Olivia live in a castle and Cash's beach house has always been something to see but Mathias Jackson certainly knows how to live that's for sure. The infinity pool alone looks to be the size of an Olympic sized pool.
I looked over towards the couch and Mathias and Grayson have their backs to us while playing some game on what looks to be an Xbox on the biggest flat screen TV I've ever seen above the fireplace mantle. Grayson must have beaten him because he was standing up and doing a little celebratory jig.
"Oh yeah Uncle Mattie! I told you I was going to beat you!! What do you have to say for yourself now? Booyah!"
He started jumping up and down in circles and waving his arms up in the air and stopped as soon as he saw Caleb and me standing behind them. Mathias turned around to see what he was looking at and stood up to greet us.
"Hello... You must be Claudia Porter and?"
"Oh I'm sorry... I didn't mention that I was bringing my boyfriend with me. This is Caleb Kingston. It is very nice to meet you Mr. Jackson."
I hear Caleb and Mathias introducing themselves to each other but I can't take my eyes off of Grayson. He's standing there staring back at me all shy like and definitely not the little boy that was boastful in his win against his uncle just a minute ago.
Does he even know who I am? Has Mathias told him I was coming? I don't know what else to do but stare. It's like looking in a mirror to be quite honest. He has the same dark brown wavy hair that I have and the same deep brown eyes and they are the same shape as mine. I noticed a couple of dimples when he was laughing around his beautiful little mouth that are exactly where mine are. On myself I have always hated them but on him they're utterly adorable. Oh my son! I am in the same room with him and I don't know what to say or do right now.
I sense that Caleb's and Mathias' conversation is over because they're both looking at both of us back and forth. Caleb came forward and is now standing closer to me with his hand at my back for support and Mathias called Grayson over to him.
"Grayson, could you come over here please. I have someone here that I would like for you to meet."
"I know who she is Uncle Mattie because I look just like her. You're my real mom aren't you? My birth mother I mean." Whoa! This kid doesn't beat around the bush.
"Yes Grayson, I am and it's very nice to finally meet you." I look towards Caleb and Mathias for some sort of help in the conversation and Mathias took the lead.
"I'm sorry Miss Porter but Grayson tends to say whatever is on his mind. He's never been the kind of kid to hold back in whatever he's thinking and I've been working with him on that." Caleb chuckled under his breath and I turned around and gave him a hateful look because I knew why he was laughing. He walked over towards Grayson to introduce himself.
"Hi Grayson... I'm Caleb and you can go ahead and say whatever is on your mind with us okay? I would say that you inherited that quality from your mm... Um... Claudia. What kind of games do you have here? I bet I could take you for a run for your money if you let me."
He looked Caleb up and down and I imagine to him he was a giant and maybe a little intimidating but the smirk on his face let me know that Caleb didn't stand a chance. How many times have I seen that look in the mirror when I knew I had already won? I could already tell that he's going to own Caleb in whatever game they play.
"How do you feel about Guitar Hero? Have you ever played? I'm pretty goo
d." Caleb laughed and rolled his eyes at him.
"Oh please! Guitar Hero? That's the best you can come up with? Yeah… I've played before and you're looking at the 2010 Champion of the county where I live in Oregon. Game on Grayson, let’s see what all you can do." Grayson looked over at me and back to Caleb and then back to me.
"Seriously? How old is your boyfriend? Are you still going to like him when I make him cry?"
I laughed my butt off but quit when Caleb arched his brow at me with a shocked look on his face. Mathias laughed as well which had me cracking up again.
"Grayson... Try not to pulverize him too bad okay? I'm going to go talk to Claudia in my study while you two play. Caleb, it was nice knowing ya man. You seem to be a really nice guy but please... Try not to cry on my couch when he beats you."
Mathias starts walking towards his study and stops to lead the way for me. I looked at Caleb because I kind of wanted him to go with me but it'll give me a chance to hear what all Mathias has to say so I smiled at him and he gave me his beautiful cocky grin back and nodded for me to follow Mathias.
He led me past the kitchen and a few guest bedrooms and all the way to the end of the hallway into his study. He sat down at his desk and motioned for me to sit in the chair directly in front of his desk which was fine because it gave me a direct view of the ocean.
"Well... What all is going on in your head right now? Or should I even ask that? Haha... It's nice to finally know where Grayson gets his personality from. It used to infuriate and embarrass Thomas but I think it made Jane love him even more."
"It's a bit weird I must say. Other than my nephew Jeremiah, no one else in my family has received the ‘say what you're thinking without realizing how rude you sound’ curse. So, since we know that I have this curse, how about you tell me what all is going on and why I'm here." He rose up in his seat and seemed to be in shock by my question.
"I spoke to your brother in law Mr. Kingston this morning and I explained everything to him. The only thing that is going on here is that I'm trying to do what my friends wanted to be done with their son in the event of their deaths and that is for him to be with you. He is very unhappy living with his cousins and Roger and Meredith Stevens look at Grayson as their meal ticket and from what all he's told me their kids are quite mean to him at home and at school."
"Then how come you haven't put a stop to it? Didn't Thomas and Jane also wish for him to be raised by you as well?"
"I'm sorry? You seem to sound like you have no interest in why I called you here and that was to have you bond with your son because he wants to live with you. It was Mr. Kingston who got ahold of me asking me questions about Grayson and his parents because you were concerned. Did I not seem to understand that right?" Why am I always on the defense mode? This conversation isn't going the way that I had hoped it would go and it’s my entire fault.
"Yes, I'm sorry. You did understand right but... You just have to understand something. I have ALWAYS regretted putting Grayson up for adoption and there's not a day since he was born that he's not the first thought on my mind when I wake up and my last thought when I fall asleep. What are you are telling me is an impossible dream come true and I just..." Ugh!! The last thing I wanted to do was cry in front of this guy. "I'm not used to trusting people and I'm just trying to wrap my mind around all of this. If I'm coming across as not wanting Grayson back, that is not my intentions at all. You have to admit though, that situations like this, doesn't happen very often."
He reached into one of his desk drawers and pulled out a box of tissues and handed it to me. I can tell that all of the questions and doubts that I had were definitely unwarranted because I am here for exactly the reason that he told me on the phone. I still need to hear it for myself from Grayson.
"Okay... Let's start over Claudia. I do have a question. You and the Brown's had an open adoption which meant that you were more than welcome to be included in his life. I've always wondered why you never came around. Thomas was kind of relieved I'll have to say but Jane always defended you and knew why you didn't. So, do you mind telling me why you were never involved in your son’s life?"
"What exactly did Jane think?"
"Aha... I forget that you're a lawyer yourself. It's hard for you to be forthcoming I guess because it comes with the job. Well... What Jane always told Thomas and I when we would discuss it was that no one would ever understand the love between a mother and a child. A mother will always love her child more than herself and that you made the ultimate sacrifice for your son by not confusing him in having you around. Was she right?"
I choked out a sob because I couldn't believe that the wonderful woman that I handed my son to on the day he was born understood. She begged me to let her send more than just a picture on his birthday and I refused and told her that I was doing it for him and she understood why. I've often wondered if she thought that I didn't care about the baby but she understood my intentions the whole time. I try to force myself to quit crying and get myself under control so that I could answer him but I managed to choke out.
"Yes... I wanted him to love her as much as she already loved him and I didn't want him to be confused if I was around. I've had a hole in my heart since the day he was born but I knew that eventually one day I'd be alright. Everything I did was for him but I never in a million years imagined that they would die while he still needed them."
I notice Mathias looking behind me and I turn around and see Caleb and Grayson standing there and by the look on their faces I could tell that they heard some of what I said. I turn around and reach for another tissue and stand up and try to act like everything is fine. Mattie took the lead while I tried to compose myself.
"Hey Grayson... Let’s you and I walk down to the beach and give Claudia and Caleb a few moments to themselves. Claudia, Caleb, there's a walkway outside the door in the living room and we'll be down there waiting for you two when you’re ready to join us."
I looked over towards Grayson and he gave me a shy grin and waved at me and followed Mathias out of the room but not before he turned around and grinned at me again. I look over at Caleb and finally lost it and broke down crying as he reached me and picked me up to sit down on the couch in the corner and held me while I shook.
"Shhhh... I've got you baby."
"I'm sorry... I hate crying and especially in front of people."
"I hope I'm not who you refer to as people, Cru. Remember... We are getting married so I get the good, bad, AND the ugly. You're even sexy as hell when you cry ya know that? Is there anything that you do that's not sexy?" He causes me to laugh which made me snort which got us both laughing. He can always put me in a better mood and I have no idea how he does it.
"I imagine when I go to the bathroom that's not too sexy you dork."
"Oh I don't know... The next time you have to go let me go in there with ya so I can find out for myself. I bet it's sexy as hell."
"Oh now you're being gross!!! Ewww!!!"
I slapped him on the leg and he winced. He leaned up and kissed me hard on the lips and I pulled back and wondered what that was for.
"I'm sorry but I just had to kiss you. I love you so much Cru. Did you know that?"
"Yes I did and I...." I am so afraid to tell him the same three little words back and hesitate but I've known the words to be true for such a long time but to actually say them and mean them for what they truly meant spoke volumes. "I love you too. I've been such a shit to you for so long and I so do not deserve you." He pulled me closer and kissed me again and I could feel his happiness at hearing my honest admission of love for him. I need something to change the subject because I don't want to get all lovey and mushy right now. "How much of our conversation did you and Grayson hear?" He grinned and shook his head at me and I'm sure that the conversation will be brought back up but not right now.
"All of it. I must say... That son of yours is quite the little con man. After you two walked out he looked me in the eye and told me that he didn't want to pla
y any games and that he wanted to know what you were going to talk about and that he knew that I wanted to know too. I informed him that you two were probably talking about adult stuff that he shouldn't be listening to and he informed me that if it was about him then he wanted to know. Are you sure he's only 10 and not 15 in a little kid’s body?"
"Oh my God! Yes, he's only 10. So he heard everything?"
"You only told the truth and when Mathias was talking about what Jane said and your response when you started crying, that was when he stepped into the doorway so that he could get closer to hear what you had to say because... Well, you were crying and we could barely hear you."
"The two of you together are going to be the death of me." I keep picturing my son's sweet face and tears formed in my eyes. "Caleb? He is quite... Beautiful, isn't he. I know that I've always had pictures of him and I knew how adorable and cute he was but he's absolutely beautiful."
"Yes Claud... He's the spitting image of you in looks and attitude I must say. You think he and I are going to be the death of you? Think again sweetheart because I'm the one that is going to have to live with not one but TWO Claudia's! I'm having enough problems taming you and if we add him to the picture, oh my word! I am in for some serious trouble." I start to panic because he's absolutely right. Just what little bit of time I spent with him he not only looks like me but acts like me as well. Is this going to be the deal breaker in our relationship?
"I won't be mad at you if you change your mind on what all this new adventure entails and I will understand if you want to back out." He stood up and looked down at me like I've lost my mind.
"Oh shut up Cruella! There goes your crazy mind again putting crazy thoughts in your head. I told you... I'm not going anywhere and we are getting married. You still have to go buy my engagement ring." He pulled me up and gave me a hug and a kiss. "I prefer platinum, and a diamond in the middle would be great but nothing too lavish but unique. Okay? Come on... Let’s go to the beach and play with our kid."
Found by Love Page 8
