He said OUR kid! Not my kid but OUR kid! I leaped at him and gave him the biggest kiss and grabbed his and started dragging him out of the room.
CHAPTER FIVE
Caleb and I walk outside and find the walkway to the beach. When we got down to the bottom, we looked around and see that Grayson and Mathias are sitting on a log talking but break away when they see us. Mathias got up and offered me his seat next to Grayson.
"Come on Caleb; let's give these two sometime to themselves. How good are you at Frisbee?" Caleb loves a bit of competition and I could see the excitement in his eyes.
"I used to play with my brother all of the time when we were kids. Let me warm up a little and I should give you a run for your money." He took his shirt off and I lost my breath. Good lord he has such a beautiful body. He threw his shirt in my direction and I caught it. "Here babe... Watch this for me please." He winked at me and ran off to freshen up on his Frisbee skills.
I looked down at Grayson still sitting on the log and he seems really nervous and I have to admit that I'm nervous as well. This is the first one on one time that we've ever had since the moment he was born. I sat down as close to him as I could get without it being too uncomfortable for the both of us and started talking.
"So... Do you spend a lot of the weekends here with Mathias?" He chuckled at me and shook his head. "What? Was what I said that funny?"
He looked over at me and grinned and oh he's so beautiful. He's not cute like some boys are, he's extremely gorgeous and I bet a lot of girls follow him around in school. When he smiles and his dimples show, his eyes just get bigger and even more beautiful.
"Yes it was funny because no one calls him Mathias. Everyone calls him Mattie. Mathias sounds so... old! Well... He is old but not THAT old! Haha." Oh I love his laugh! It reminds me of Jeremiah's mischievous laugh.
"Oh he's old huh?? He doesn't seem to be much older than me ya know. Do you think I'm old?"
"I'm 10. Everyone seems old to me." Wow. He's got a point. He looks down and starts kicking his foot in the sand like he wants to say something but doesn't know how.
"I know this is kind of weird and awkward but do you want to ask me anything?" He seemed hesitant at first but then he looked at me with a little tear in his eye that about broke my heart.
"Did you ever have any other kids after you had me? That's something I always wondered about."
"No honey I didn't. I felt that if I couldn't raise you then it would a betrayal to what you and I shared. Oh how do I say this? Okay... Here goes. Do you know where babies come from?" The look he gave me was priceless and I'm not ready and I know that he's not ready for that conversation. "No wait! Whoa! Not how I meant that at all! Haha... Sorry... What I meant to say was... You do know that women carry their babies in their bellies right?"
"Yes I know that. My mom... I mean Jane, had a friend once that had a baby and her belly got so big that I thought it was going to explode!" His eyes lit up when he stretched his arms out as wide as they could go by his description.
"Right, and Grayson... It's fine to call her your mom because that's exactly who she was to you and nothing can ever change that. It won't hurt my feelings at all." He nodded his head so I continued.
"In my heart and in my mind, after carrying you for 9 months in my belly, I knew that there was no way that I would ever have another child again because to me, my womb... I mean belly, was sacred to me. Or I guess you could say special if you don't understand what sacred means. What I mean by that is that I couldn't bring myself to have another baby knowing that I couldn't keep you and I didn't think that it would be fair to either of us if I had any more kids." I never intended on having such a deep conversation right off the bat like that.
"I know what sacred means. I am kind of smart ya know." I had no doubt at all with him being my kid and all which had me giggling at him.
"Oh you are, huh? Exactly how smart are you?"
"I'm always at the top of my class and I have never made anything under a 92 and I was really mad over that 92 because it should have been a 98 but the teacher didn't know what she was talking about."
Caleb is so right about the fact that he is going to be living with two of me! I busted up laughing because he sounds like I did all through school. He frowned at me and doesn't seem happy with me at all.
"I didn't say that to be funny. I really am smart and I'm not bragging either. Just ask Uncle Mattie if you don't believe me."
Great! Now I've hurt his feelings. What a great mom I've turned out to be. I lean over and pat him on the shoulder.
"I'm sorry. I'm not laughing because I think it's funny. I'm only laughing because I was exactly the same way in school and all the way up until I graduated college."
"For real? So you mean that I got my smartness from you? Hmmm... Ya know. My.... my mom always told me that my birth mom was smart and that I took after you but I never believed her. I just thought that she was saying that to make me feel good. She never said anything bad about you and hoped that I would meet you one day. She always told me that I looked just like you, too."
Hearing that Jane seemed to speak so highly about me broke my heart and made me regret not getting to know her better. I really should have taken her up on her offer of being included in their lives but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing. Now I'm not so sure.
"Grayson... I'm so sorry that I couldn't bring myself to be in your life. I was just so afraid that... Well... I didn't want you to be confused. Can you understand that?" I'm wanting so bad to put my arms around him but I'm being as patient as I can be.
"Yes... I understand it now. I'm sorry, too."
"You don't have anything to apologize for. Why would you say that?"
"Because... I had to hear what all you and Uncle Mattie were going to talk about and I heard everything. Caleb and I never played Guitar Hero and don't be mad at him because I made him let me listen. I know it wasn't easy for you to give me away."
Such a beautiful, smart and an old, old soul my son seems to have. My heart feels like its squeezing itself to death at his very grown up words. Tears stream down my cheeks and I try to wipe them away but they won't stop.
"No baby... It wasn't. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my entire life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm so sorry your parents died and didn't get the chance to finish raising you. They were wonderful people and I knew they loved you more than anything." I look down at him and I can tell that he's holding back tears because of his sniffling. He looks up at me and tears start to slowly slide down his cheek.
"If they loved me more than anything then why did my Daddy leave me all alone in that boat? I kept screaming and screaming for him and my mom and they never came back. They never came back for me!"
I finally closed the gap that was between us and pulled him into my arms and held him as tight as I could without hurting him. I was expecting this from him. Just knowing the many hours that he was left alone in the lifeboat waiting for someone to rescue him breaks my heart for him. To know that he'd never see his mom and dad again made it even worse. We both seemed to stay frozen in time for several minutes. I kept holding him until his tears subsided and started caressing his back and running my fingers through his hair while rubbing the back of his neck to calm him down.
I reached up to wipe the tears from my cheeks and felt him staring at me and I looked down and smiled which made him smile shyly at me and hide his face in my chest. He looked up at me again and was grinning from ear to ear.
"You hug like a mom. My mom would hug me all of the time and I didn't think I'd ever get a good... Mom hug ever again. Thank you, Mm... Claudia. Do you care if I go play with the guys now?" I gasped because he almost called me MOM!
"No... I don't care at all. Go have fun and try to give the two old men a beat down for me okay?"
"Okay... I will!" He turned around and started running towards them but then stopped and turned around and looked at me. "I just wanted to tell you thank yo
u for coming to meet me. You're pretty cool and everything I was hoping you were." He turned around and headed towards Mathias and Caleb as I watched him walk away with tears streaming down my face. Not sad tears this time or tears of loss and heartbreak but happy tears. Not only did he almost call me Mom but he thinks I'm cool!
I wanted to shout it off the rooftops! I was finally able to meet my son and he didn't seem to hate me like I thought he would. I want to run out to Caleb and share my happiness with him but I hold myself back because he needs to bond with Grayson just as well as I need to.
I look out at all three of them and I see Grayson catch the Frisbee and Caleb pick him up and take off running with him above his shoulders. The sound of laughter, coming out of the two men in my life, is music to my ears. For once in my life I'm at peace and I can't quit crying and laughing at how comforting it feels.
***************
Grayson and Caleb decided to have a dual at Guitar Hero after all when we got back from the beach so I decided to unpack mine and Caleb's clothes in the room Mathias is letting us use. Or shall I say Mattie because he finally told us that the only people that call him Mathias were clients so Mattie it is.
Caleb and I had a quick discussion about how we didn't want him to hurry back the next day so he wouldn't be heading back home until Monday or Tuesday night. My only problem with the whole situation was that Amelia had to be told that her first days on the job she would be alone. I know that she can reschedule my appointments but my biggest issue was how she really felt about me now knowing that I had a baby and gave him up for adoption.
My cell phone is ringing from somewhere and I look around for my purse to hurry up and answer before whoever it is hangs up. I look at the caller ID and its Olivia. I'm sure she's heard from Amelia by now so I might as well find out what the verdict is.
"Morally corrupt best friend speaking. How may I help you?" Silence..... I look at the phone and I see that my phone has a full signal and it shows that it’s her on the line.
"Hello? May I speak to Claudia please?" Oh my God! She can be so dense sometimes.
"Hold on just a minute and I'll see if I can find her. Hold please."
"Okay. Thank you." For real?? She really can't tell that it's me?
"Olivia?! Are you sleep deprived or something? It's been me this whole time. Have you already forgotten what my voice sounds like?" I hear her exasperated gasp on the line and I'm trying not to laugh out loud.
"Oh my God, you idiot! I thought it was you but I wasn't sure. Yes! I am sleep deprived but that's beside the point. Why are you answering your phone by saying you're morally corrupt? Is everything going okay?"
"Everything is great so far but I'll get to that in a minute. Have you talked to Amelia?"
Silence again. This lets me know that she has! I swear, I can read her like a book.
"I take your silence to be a 'why yes Claudia, I have talked to Amelia and she hates you now. Way to go Claud!' Is that pretty much the gist of it?"
"Claudia! Why do you think she hates you so much? If you want to know the truth of the conversation, she was hysterical and bawling on the phone and is worried sick about you." Amelia was bawling? She's worried about me?
"She was crying? What for? Why is she worried about me?"
We have silence again. I hear a door shut which lets me know that this is now a private conversation because she's never too far away from Cash or the children.
"Claud, has Amelia ever said or done anything to you to make you feel like she hates you? Why would she want to work with you if she hated you?"
"Well... Um... No. I don't know what my deal is with her to be honest. I just feel like I disappoint her somehow and like I'm not good enough for some reason. Caleb did tell me that she is crazy about me and wants him to marry me. But... why was she bawling and why was she so hysterical over me?"
"Ugh! You're driving me crazy Claud! You really have no idea how much you affect this whole family do you. When Caleb called and told her what was going on and why you two are in California, her immediate response was to call you herself to see if you were alright. She's worried sick about you because she knows that you probably have a million thoughts going on in your head."
"And who wouldn't O? Of course I do. I still don't understand why she's so worried about me."
"Hmmm... Well... let's see. You had a baby 10 years ago and put him up for adoption and the only two people that knew are now dead. Never once have you told anyone else and let them know what was going on and have silently dealt with a broken heart for 10 years now. As a defense mechanism you pretended that you were gay to avoid ever getting involved with men. You come across as a bitch to avoid getting close to anyone and try to act like you don't need anyone. You have no family besides me and my parents when you LET them in. Your parents are dead; your only sibling is dead...." Is she serious? I can't hear anymore!
"Good lord!! Are you really trying to remind me of how pathetic I am right now? Is there anything else that you all seem to think is wrong with me? Is there a POINT that you're trying to get at?"
"Yes there is! Everything that I mentioned is everything you've felt about yourself for YEARS Claud! Not how WE felt but how YOU felt about yourself. I know this isn't what I called you for and we've gotten off track but you're the one that asked about Amelia. Can I ask you a question?"
"By all means Miss Perfect Olivia!"
"See... now you're being a bitch! Not a pretend one but a real one but that's alright because I know that you're just pissed at me because you know I'm right. I want you to do me a favor and call Amelia. TALK to her please. You might actually be surprised at what meets you on the other end of the phone line."
"What is all of the urgency about? You want me to call her now? Do you even want to know how my day went with my son today? Are you too busy for me now? My ONLY friend? My SISTER?" I don't understand this conversation at all! What is going on and why is Amelia so distraught over me?
"Claud... I love you so much. I am always and I mean ALWAYS here for you and of course I want to know how your day went but right now I have a very distraught mother in law that I love as much as I love my own mother and she is hysterical and worried sick about you. So... my beautiful best friend. Will you please call Amelia? You can call me back when you're done if you want but please, please, please call her. How are you and Caleb doing?" Oh NOW she wants to talk?
"Caleb and I are perfectly fine. Thanks for asking. Not that you care!"
"Claudia... It's because I care is what this whole conversation is about. What if you and Caleb get married? She'll be your mother in law too. Do you constantly plan on going through life thinking that she hates you?" Dammit! She's got a point and I HATE when she's right.
"Oh My GOD! I'll call her! Shit! Are you happy now?"
"I'll only be happy when I'm not worried about you anymore... which will probably be NEVER! I love you and please don't be mad at me. You'll understand when you talk to her. Don't be a bitch okay? Let your guard down and just TALK to her. Call me later when you aren't mad at me and tell me how everything's going." I don't think I want to talk to her for a week after this conversation.
"Yeah... alright. Bye!" I hung up. There was nothing else to say and I sure wasn't going to wait for her to say goodbye and she knows me well enough to know that I wasn't even going to give her the chance. What is going on with Amelia? She's not my mother. She's Caleb's mother! Why can't she just call HIM and ask how I'm doing?
I pull my phone back out and scroll for her number and hesitate. Oh I can do this later. I'm just not up for any more surprises in my life. I toss my phone down. Crap! I told her that I would call her right now. Crap, crap, crap! I dial the number and it rings a few times and just when I was hoping it was going to go to voicemail she answered.
"Hello? Claudia? Are you alright honey?" She sounds like she's been crying and I immediately feel awful. Surely she's not upset because of me.
"Yes... I'm fine. Are you okay is the bett
er question? Are you feeling alright?"
"Oh honey! I'm fine I'm just worried about you Dear. When Caleb called me my heart just fell to my stomach. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. Are you really okay? I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with this all of these years alone. I wish you would have talked to someone about it and got it off your chest. What about your son? Have you met him yet? How did it go? You know it'll take some time for you two to bond but the end result will be so wonderful honey. Are you there? Claudia?"
I don't know what to say back to her. Olivia was right and she really was worried about me. It makes me remember all of the times that my own mother worried about me when she knew that something was wrong and I wouldn't talk to her because all I wanted was to be held and comforted while I bawled my heart ache away. I had a great mom and she took care of Derek and I while Dad worked but she was never very nurturing. Sweet but not affectionate and would rarely give me a hug. She always said that she showed us love through her actions by cooking our favorite meal or taking us shopping for clothes but she rarely told us she loved us. I would have given anything to hear from her what all Amelia just said to me.
"Yes... I'm here. I... I don't know what to say. Thank you for worrying about me but I'm really alright. I have Caleb here so that's good."
"Oh honey... I wish I was there right now with you both so that I could give you a hug." Oh man... Now she has me crying.
"I... I... Do to. Oh Amelia... I thought you hated me! I'm so sorry for thinking that. I really wish you were here too because I could use a... Well... Haha... In the words of my son... A Mom hug. Oh Amelia! He's so beautiful and so much like me it's not even funny. He looks and acts just like me and I don't know if the family can handle two of us. Caleb is already making jokes about how we are both going to give him a run for his money."
Found by Love Page 9
