Fletch and the Man Who

by Gregory Mcdonald

  “I was ordered back.”

  Esty did not seem to notice that Fletch had a large man over his shoulders. He had barely made room for them in the elevator.

  “Nice to have you back,” Fletch said from behind the folds of Bill’s suit jacket.

  “It’s not nice to be back.”

  “But,” said Fletch, “you have a job to do.”

  “Do you really think,” Esty asked, “we should allow this anti-American, anti-Christian campaign to go unreported?”

  “Are we on the ninth floor?”

  There was a moment before Esty admitted they were on the ninth floor.

  Fletch said, “Gotta call ’em as you see ’em.” He staggered with his load of Bill Dieckmann through the elevator door.

  Fletch lowered Bill Dieckmann onto the bed in Room 916.

  Then he picked up the telephone.

  “What are you doing?” On the bed, Bill’s eyes were open, wary.

  “Calling Dr. Thom,” Fletch said.

  “What are you doing in my room?”

  “You collapsed, Bill. On the fifth floor. You’ve been unconscious.”

  “Put the phone down.”

  The hotel’s operator had not yet answered. “Are you sure?” Fletch asked.

  “Put it down.”

  Fletch hung up.

  “Now get out.”

  “You might say thanks for the ride, Bill. I carried you up here.”

  “Thanks for nothing.”

  “Bill, I’m not your wife, boss, brother, friend … you know the rest of the speech?”

  “No,” Bill said. “You’re not.”

  “Something’s wrong with your head, man. Twice I’ve seen you trying to twist it off. Tomorrow you might succeed.”

  “None of your damned business.” Bill sat up, put his feet on the floor, his head in his hands.

  “You’ve said that before. It’s no secret you’re having trouble, Bill. Dr. Thom may be a strange man, but he’s not going to call your managing editor first thing with a complete medical report. Doctors still have to keep their mouths shut, even Dr. Thom.”

  Dieckmann appeared to be listening.

  “Anyway,” Fletch continued, “suppose you succeed at twisting your head off one of these times? Think of the disgusting sight. You walking around with your head in your hands, down around your pockets. Blood bubbling up from your neck and dribbling all over your suit. I know you’d still get the story, Bill. But think of the ladies. You want Fenella Baker to see a thing like that? Might make her face powder fall off. That would be really sickening.”

  Head in hands, Bill said, “Get out of here, Fletch. Please. Go bother somebody else. Go bother Ira Lapin. He’s got bigger problems than I have.”

  “What are his problems?”

  “Housemother you’re not.”

  “Agreed. But, Bill, you just collapsed. You weren’t even on the right floor. You had no idea what you were doing. Before you went unconscious, you didn’t even recognize me.”

  “Okay, okay. What am I supposed to do about it?”

  “Get medical attention. This primary campaign isn’t worth your life, Bill. You know what I mean? At least to you, it isn’t.”

  “I’m all right.”

  “You’re about as all right as a snowman on the Fourth of July.”

  “Leave me alone.”

  “Okay. If you say so.” At the door, Fletch said, “You sure there’s nothing I can do?”

  “Yeah. There’s something you can do.”

  “What?”

  “Tell me if I’m on the right campaign. Who’s going to win this damned primary?”

  “Gee, I dunno, Bill.”

  “Then you’re no good to me.”

  “But I can tell you that after this primary election, there’s another one. And then another. And another … Good night, Bill.”

  22

  “ ’Mornin’. Thank you,” Fletch said into the bedside phone. It had rung and he assumed it was the hotel operator calling to tell him it was six-thirty.

  “You’re welcome,” said the strong voice of The Man Who.

  Fletch looked at his watch. It was only six-twenty.

  “ ’Morning,” Fletch said in a voice that wasn’t too strong. He sat up in the bed. His shoulders and chest and stomach were wet with sweat. Steam was clanging in the radiators. The room had been cold when he went to bed. He had put on an extra blanket from the closet. Now he threw the blankets off

  “You’re up early,” said Governor Caxton Wheeler.

  “Am I?”

  “Apparently.”

  “Oh, yes,” Fletch said intelligently. “I must be.”

  “Are you awake now?”

  “Sure. Ask me a riddle. Never mind, you know the answer.”

  “Look, Fletch, I’ve just called Lansing Sayer. Asked him to join me in the car on the ride out to the hospital.”

  “Hospital?”

  “I’m visiting the Farmingdale Hospital this morning.”

  “Oh, yeah. I mean, oh, yes. Sir.”

  “He can interview me in the car on the way out. I want you to come along. To keep me honest.”

  “Okay. I mean, yes, sir.”

  “We’ll leave about eight-thirty. Flash will drive us out.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “See you out front at eight-thirty. Are you awake?”

  “Like a snowman on …”

  “What were you doing when I called?” There was laughter in the governor’s voice.

  Fletch ran his thumb down his chest and stomach. “Sweating.”

  “Great,” said The Man Who. “Nothing like exercise first thing in the morning. Do a push-up for me. I’ll feel the better for it.”

  Fletch padded to the door, opened it, and saw the stack of newspapers a volunteer had left for him in the hotel corridor.

  Newsbill was on top. The front page of the tabloid had nothing but the headline on it:

  DEATH STALKS WHEELER CAMPAIGN

  Fletch knelt on one knee and scanned the story, with many photographs, which began on page three:

  Farmingdale—Presidential Candidate Caxton Wheeler and his staff have refused to answer questions about the murders of two young women which have happened on their campaign trail within the last week.

  The second young woman, Alice Elizabeth Shields, 28, was found naked and beaten on the sidewalk just below Wheeler’s seventh floor hotel suite.

  Campaign officials even refuse to state they have no knowledge of the women or of their murders….

  The by-line read Michael J. Hanrahan.

  “Well, well,” Fletch muttered into the empty hotel corridor. “The dam has broken. Somebody better get a mop.”

  23

  “No, no eggs for me,” Ira Lapin said. He and Fletch were in a booth in the hotel’s coffee shop. “My doctor gave me a big warning against cholesterol. No bacon, either. I forget what’s wrong with bacon. I’m sure something is. No coffee, of course.” He ordered oatmeal, unbuttered toast, and tea. “What is cholesterol, anyway? Little boomies that gang up trying to get through the doorways to your heart?”

  “I think it gives you hardening of the head or something.”

  “I’d never notice,” Ira said. “If my head were any harder I could never sneeze.”

  Fletch ordered steak and eggs, orange juice, and coffee.

  “What is it with you young people?” Ira asked. “Can’t afford to go to a doctor and never enjoy breakfast again?”

  “My worry is the population explosion,” Fletch said.

  “And that’s your answer to the population explosion? Commit suicide at breakfast?”

  “Not suicide,” Fletch answered. “I just don’t hope to take up space beyond my allotted time.”

  Ira nodded sagely. “An original point of view.”

  “Everybody has to worry about something.”

  “These doctors kill you,” Ira said. “Everything’s bad for you. Booze is bad for you. Tobacco. Coffee. Red meat. The
egg is bad for you. What can be more innocent than the egg? It isn’t even born yet.”

  “Milk, cheese, chocolate. Water. Air.”

  “They want us to go straight from our incubators to our coffins. No outside influences, please; I’m living.”

  “Tough life.” The waitress brought them their tea and coffee. “Doubt we’ll ever adapt to it.”

  “I take from the unhealthiest doctor I could find. He’s a wreck. Fat as the federal budget. He smokes like a public utility; drinks as if he has as many different mouths as a White House source. When he breathes, you’d think someone is running a caucus in his chest. Thought he’d be easy on me. Tolerant. Relaxed. Not a bit of it. Still he gives me that old saw, ‘Don’t do as I do; do as I say.’ I guess I should. Already he’s invested in a burial plot, he tells me. And he’s only thirty-two.”

  Breakfast came.

  “How do you like the campaign so far?” Ira Lapin asked the candidate’s press representative.

  “Getting some surprises,” Fletch said.

  “Like …?”

  “Caxton Wheeler’s brighter than I thought. More honest. More sane.”

  “You didn’t know him before?”

  “No.”

  “You knew his son.”

  “Yes.”

  “What do you think of the press, now that you’re seeing us from a different angle?”

  “Cute.”

  “What do you mean, cute? Or are you referring only to La Arbuthnot?”

  “That incident yesterday with the governor and the kids and the coins. The magic show he put on. I would never see that as a national issue.”

  Ira nodded. “I reported it. I didn’t report it as an issue. I just reported it. Let people make of it what they will.”

  “You mean, the editors, news directors …”

  “It’s the little things that count,” Ira Lapin said. He had spooned cream and sugar onto his oatmeal, cream and sugar into his tea. He had put a quarter of a pot of jam on his toast. Blissfully, he was eating everything. “You know you’ve been thrown in here as a sacrificial lamb. Yes. You have. You’ve been thrown to the wolves. To me. To us. You’re surprised? Eat your steak. Steak for breakfast. You’d drive my doctor to drink. Never mind. For him it’s not a long ride. We’re at the point in the campaign where they need someone young in your job. A throwaway. Nothing wrong with James except he was tired. His tricks were tired. He was boring us. You’re young, and people say you have a crazy mind. You do. Ignore the doctor because you worry about the population explosion. You’ll keep us entertained, all right. There’s a story you gave Solov a bottle of eyedrops. You do that?”

  “No.”

  “They can make up stories about you. Deflect from the candidate. After these stupid, high-energy primaries are over, you’ll be used as the scapegoat. You’ll be what’s wrong with the campaign. You’ll be gotten rid of as a concession to the press, an answer for everything that’s wrong. Then they’ll march the professionals in. You think I don’t know what I’m talking about?” Fletch was eating and listening, not registering surprise to the degree Ira Lapin wanted. “They have one ready. You ever hear of Graham Kidwell? He’s already on the campaign as media consultant. I’ll bet you this piece of toast, what’s left of it, Wheeler’s already talked with him this morning, maybe twice. Kidwell is sitting in a big Washington office, partner in a rich public relations firm, primed for the job of press secretary to the President of the United States. You think you’re going to the White House? Think again. I’ve seen it before. ‘A presidential campaign is a crusade of amateurs.’ Where did he get that? Some amateur. Caxton Wheeler’s an amateur like a Georgetown madame. And his wife, the dragon lady. She could make the finals in any contest you happened to run. Including mud wrestling. During the primary campaigns, in all these rinky little towns, a good campaigner wants to give the impression of amateurism. Makes the campaign seem more real. More like a people’s movement. Gets the volunteers out, the bucks up. The people see the fumbling around, say, ‘Gee, I can help,’ throw down their shovels and golf clubs, and go to work for the candidate. Later, only professionalism sells. Then the image of competence is needed. So right now, in this road show, you’re the lead amateur.” Ira drained his teacup. “Thought I’d let you know.”

  “Thanks,” Fletch said cheerily enough. “I expect you’re right.”

  “No probably about it. I know I’m right. Campaigns at first need idealism and youth. Once the primaries are won, cynicism takes over and idealism gets a bus ticket home. You don’t mind being used?”

  “Everybody gets used,” Fletch said. “Depends on what you get used for.”

  “Idealism,” scoffed Ira Lapin. “Idealism goes home on a bus.” Ira poured the last drops from his teapot into his coffee cup. “I feel sick.”

  “You don’t look well.”

  “What I need is some coffee.” He signaled the waitress. “I should contribute to the population explosion?” The waitress came over and he ordered a pot of coffee. Then he said to Fletch: “You know my wife was murdered.”

  “No. My God. When?”

  “Two years, five months ago. A block from our apartment in Washington. Stabbed by a mugger.”

  “Stabbed to death?”

  “She was stabbed. Would you believe it was hitting her head on a stone step when she fell down that killed her? Stone steps leading to a house.”

  Fletch shook his head. “How do you accept a thing like that?”

  “You don’t. You don’t accept it. You don’t think about it. You just leave it out there somewhere, like a part of town you never visit. You put the anger, the rage, the fury in another part of town, and you never visit it.” The waitress brought the pot of coffee and a fresh cup and saucer for Ira. “Thank you,” he said to her. “You’re killing me.” He poured the coffee slowly into his cup. “I was in Vienna with the President when I got the cable. Did you ever see a piece of paper you couldn’t believe at all? I mean, no matter how many times you read it, it just sits there like an impossible lie? I don’t even remember the trip home. I remember Marty Nolan of the Boston Globe packing my bags for me.”

  “Any kids?”

  “Grown. They were devastated. Who was their mother to get stabbed? A nice little person.”

  “Did they ever catch the guy who did it?”

  “A man was seen running away carrying a purse. Maybe she had fifty dollars in the purse. I doubt that much. He didn’t steal the new tablecloth she had just bought. The whole thing was unnecessary. We already had a tablecloth.”

  “I dunno,” Fletch said. “I’m real sorry for you, man.”

  “It’s not that.” Ira waved his hand in front of his face. “It’s just that every time I hear of one of these murders—women getting killed—just stirs the whole thing up again.”

  “Sure.”

  “Jeez. You can’t come down to breakfast without hearing about some woman getting killed down the corridor.”

  “What do you mean?” Fletch asked.

  “You didn’t hear? Some reporter you must have been. A chambermaid got killed last night. Strangled.”

  “In this hotel?”

  “Yeah. The kitchen help found her when they came in this morning. At four o’clock. In a service elevator. Two nights ago was it?—a woman gets pushed off the roof of the motel we were in. I don’t know. We go through this whole election process as if we were civilized human beings. What good does it do? It’s just a big pretense that we’re civilized.”

  Fletch wanted to say, Wait a minute….

  “What’s the matter with you?” Ira asked. “Now you look sick. What happened to your tan? Didn’t know it was the kind you could rub off. Better take some of my coffee.”

  “No. Thanks.”

  “Take it. You look like your heart just sat down and took off its shoes.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Sure. Have some coffee. No good for me anyway. My doctor says it makes me nervous.”

  24<
br />
  “You all right, Fletch?” Betsy Ginsberg asked. She was standing in the hotel lobby outside the coffee shop.

  “Sure.”

  “You look white.”

  “Just saw Paul Szep’s editorial cartoon.” In fact, he had. Roy Filby had showed it to him at the coffee shop’s cash register. “So how do you like Walsh,” Fletch tried to ask easily, “now that you know him?”

  Michael J. Hanrahan went by into the coffee shop. He grinned/grimaced at Fletch and held up three fingers.

  Fletch ignored him.

  Betsy returned the question. “What do you really think of Walsh?”

  “He’s a cool guy,” Fletch answered. “Forgiving, reassuring, absolutely competent. Totally in control.”

  “I don’t know,” Betsy said.

  “So he didn’t fall all over you,” Fletch said. “Think of the position he’s in.”

  The Man Who was getting off the elevator. The eyes of everyone in the lobby were attracted to him. He was smiling.

  People intercepted him as he crossed the lobby. Several had children by the hands. A few snapped pictures of The Man Who, as if the world were not being nearly saturated with pictures of him. The Man Who was shaking hands, listening briefly, speaking briefly, as he came across the lobby. He patted some of the children on their heads. He did not take coins from their ears.

  Fletch walked close beside him. Quietly he said, “We’ve got to talk. Privately. Soon.”

  “Sure,” the governor said. “What’s up?”

  Into the governor’s ear, Fletch said, “Ira Lapin tells me another young woman has been murdered.”

  The governor reached through the mob, went out of his way to shake a bellman’s hand.

  With his public grin on his face, the governor spoke almost through his teeth. “Two people in the United States are murdered every hour, Fletch. Didn’t you know that?”

  “Talk,” Fletch said.

  “Sure, sure.”

  25

  “I’m glad you asked me that question.” Sitting behind Flash in the rented black sedan, Governor Wheeler’s eyes twinkled at Fletch sitting in the front passenger seat. Sitting behind Fletch, Lansing Sayer had just asked some general question about the “New Reality” speech The Man Who had delivered in Winslow the day before. Sayer had a tape recorder going and also was working a pen and notebook. “I guess I made a rather sweeping statement.”