Ripple: A Novel

by Cedergreen, L. D.

  We spent the rest of the afternoon at a maternity boutique where Heather bought me a pair of jeans with an elastic band around the waist and several cute tops that hugged my belly just right. She also took me to Nordstrom where she insisted on buying me several new outfits in my normal size for after the baby was born. This included a pair of designer jeans that cost more than my whole wardrobe put together. And then shoe shopping.

  I wasn’t comfortable with Heather buying me things at first, but, once I realized how much she was enjoying it, I relaxed and decided to just go with it. I had a really great time. By the time she dropped me off at Marie’s apartment with several shopping bags in hand, it was dark, and I was exhausted.

  ~

  Two weeks later as I was vacuuming the apartment, trying to earn my keep, I felt a dull ache in my belly. I didn’t think too much of it at first, but it continued to get worse.

  An hour later, the dull ache was replaced by cramping, and I decided to call the doctor’s office. They instructed me to come in right away to make sure that everything was okay. I called Marie, and she agreed to meet me there. I took the bus as I had done several times before. As I stepped off the bus, I felt a slow wet stream make its way down my leg. I wasn’t sure what was happening, but I was scared.

  By the time I reached the office at the end of the block, the pain in my abdomen had intensified. The assistant took one look at me and ushered me into an exam room. They helped me change into a gown, and, in minutes, Dr. Pierce was at my side telling me that it looked like my water broke and that I was in labor. They hooked me up to a machine to monitor the baby’s heartbeat and checked my blood pressure. Dr. Pierce checked my cervix and confirmed that I was dilated four centimeters. Everything was happening so quickly.

  “Kendi, we’re going to take you across the street to the hospital in a wheelchair. Do you want to call anyone?”

  “The baby isn’t due for another two weeks. Is everything okay?” I asked in a panic.

  “Everything’s fine. Due dates are not exact, and the baby is full term and healthy.”

  “Okay. My sister is on her way here, and I should probably call Susanne at the agency.”

  “We’ll send your sister over to the hospital when she arrives, and I’ll have the front desk contact the agency. We have their information on file. Don’t worry. Everything is going to be fine. Let’s get you over there and settled in. I think that this baby is coming real soon.”

  I tried so hard not to cry. I needed Marie to be there. I couldn’t do this alone.

  The nurse sat me in a wheelchair and pushed me out of the building and across the street to the hospital. She checked me into the maternity ward. I was sweating and gasping for breath as the contractions swept me into endless segments of agony. They were coming faster and stronger while the nurses hooked me up to machines and started an IV in my arm. Marie finally appeared in the doorway, and I lost the hold I had on my tears at the sight of her.

  “I’m here, Kendi. It’s okay, I’m here,” she said reassuringly as she made her way to my side. At that moment another contraction seized my abdomen as I cried out in pain, sweat dripping from my brow. Marie squeezed my hand tightly and whispered comforting words through my cries. When it was over, she retrieved a cool cloth and mopped the sweat from my forehead.

  A nurse approached to check on me, and Marie asked if I could get something for the pain, an epidural. The nurse needed to check my cervix first. She told us that I was dilated nine centimeters already and that we didn’t have time for an epidural. She left to page Dr. Pierce.

  I survived several more contractions before Dr. Pierce arrived. Bile was rising in my throat from the pain, and I wasn’t sure how much more I could take.

  Susanne poked her head in while the nurses were getting the room ready for the delivery.

  She informed us that she would be right outside if I needed anything, and that Heather and Charles would be arriving any minute. What I needed was to get this thing out of me so that I could breathe again. Dr. Pierce put on a gown and a pair of gloves while the nurses held up my legs. He asked me to push slowly but hard the next time I felt a contraction.

  I can’t say what happened after that except that I nearly passed out from the pain of it. I had never felt such excruciating pain in my life. I could hear a baby crying from somewhere in the room, and Dr. Pierce was still giving me instructions to push. The pain in my abdomen was fading, although my vagina felt like it was on fire. When Dr. Pierce was done he covered me up with a blanket and came to sit beside me. I could still hear the baby crying from nearby.

  “Kendi, everything went beautifully. You did great.”

  “Is the baby okay?” I asked, worried from its violent cries.

  “Yes, the baby is perfect. Just not liking the sponge bath at the moment.” He smiled at me and then switched to a more serious tone. “Would you like to hold your baby or would you like to wait for the Petersens? This is your decision.”

  I looked up at Marie; she had tears in her eyes and was still holding my hand. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I want to do,” I answered honestly.

  “You should, Kendi. You will never get this moment back,” Marie encouraged me.

  “Okay,” I said, unsure if it was the right thing to do or not.

  Dr. Pierce nodded at the nurse across the room, and, before I knew it, she was placing a tiny bundle in my arms. “It’s a girl,” the nurse practically gushed. Dr. Pierce and the nurse both stepped out of the room at the same time, leaving me alone with the baby and Marie.

  I pulled away the thin blanket from her chin so that I could take in every inch of her sweet face. I gently peeled the blue-and-pink-striped beanie from her head and gasped at the amount of hair that stuck to the tiny crown of her head. I could see Adam in her big dark eyes and the unmistakable curls of her dark hair. I took in her familiar full lips and the shape of her face, and there was no denying that this was my daughter.

  This tiny bundle pulled on the strings of my heart with a familiar melody. I leaned down and kissed her forehead whispering, “Hey, sweet baby girl,” as warm tears made their way down my cheeks. I was caught off guard by the boundless love that filled my heart for this tiny person that I had just met moments ago. I heard a knock on the door pulling me back to the heartbreaking reality of the situation. The door opened slowly, and I could see Heather and Charles poke their heads in.

  “May we come in?” Heather asked quietly in her sweet voice.

  I swallowed the lump in my throat and told them to come in. Heather rushed to my side and glanced at the baby with her hands clasped in front of her chest.

  “Oh, my goodness. She is beautiful, Kendi.” Charles walked up behind her hesitantly and asked how I was feeling.

  “I’m okay. Just tired I guess. Would you like to hold her?” I asked, not sure what to do or say in that moment.

  “Yes, we would love to,” Heather whispered, looking back at Charles. She gently took the baby from my arms and cradled her against her chest, kissing her head and then her cheeks. Heather had tears in her eyes. I had no doubt that she would be a wonderful mother, but my heart was breaking. A piece of my soul had just been ripped from my arms leaving me hollow, empty. I wiped away the tears on my cheeks with the back of my hand as they continued to fall, and I felt Marie’s arm around my shoulders.

  The nurse returned to the room to let us know that the baby would be going to the nursery, and the Petersens were welcome to accompany her. I watched, unable to turn away from my daughter, as she was transferred from Heather’s arms to the young nurse’s, placed in a small cradle with clear plastic sides and carefully wheeled from the room. Heather asked me if I needed anything. I shook my head, unable to speak.

  “Kendi, we’re here for you if you need anything,” Heather said. “You and the baby will be here for a few days. We want you to spend as much time with her as you need to while you’re here. Nothing will be finalized until you’re both discharged. Please. I want you to
be sure of this choice that you’re making, because once I take her home, I’m not sure if I could survive it if...if you change your mind.”

  I nodded in understanding.

  “She’s beautiful, just like you.” She squeezed my hand and left the room with Charles. I knew that she was trying to protect herself and Charles from what had happened last time. I knew that she wanted me to be sure of my choice, to feel confident that I was doing the right thing. I honestly had so many mixed emotions right then that I didn’t know what the right thing was anymore. I completely lost all sense of control; sobs took over my body as Marie held me in silence. Moments later the nurse was back to clean me up and check my vitals. I was starting to feel the pain and aches from the quick and brutal labor that I had just experienced, so she gave me some medication for the pain. I eventually drifted off into a dreamless, drug-induced sleep.

  ~

  In the quiet early morning hours, I held her tiny body in my arms. She seemed to fit so perfectly, snug against my chest. Her tiny pink lips parted as her breath peacefully passed between them while she slept soundlessly. I hadn’t expected my heart to feel so connected to this tiny person that had been kicking me for months. I shouldn’t have held her again, but Susanne had insisted. She said that it was the only way to be sure that I was doing the right thing.

  It was too late though; I had promised the Petersens this gift. How could I take away that promise and knowingly break their hearts? I knew that they would love her, that they could give her everything that she needed. I knew this with every ounce of my being, and yet part of me wanted to hold her forever so that my own heart didn’t shatter into a million tiny pieces. I couldn’t help but think of how differently this moment could’ve been, if I had made different choices from the beginning.

  Suddenly college didn’t seem so important or Adam’s mission in Africa. The tiny baby girl in my arms seemed to fill the space of the entire universe, and her importance could not be measured. How could I have not seen this sooner? I would like to think that I did this for her, that I was trying to make the best choice possible for her, so that she could have a life full of things that I could not offer.

  But the truth was that I had made this choice for me and for Adam, so that we could continue down the road that led to our intended lives and purpose, to our dreams. It was a choice made in utter selfishness. And that realization was drowning me in guilt and regret, but I deserved these feelings. I had brought them into my heart all on my own, and now I had to live with my choices.

  Forty-eight hours. That is the length of time that I spent with my daughter. Marie never left my side. The baby had spent some of that time in the nursery, where I was told that Heather and Charles fed and rocked her. The hours that she spent in my room, I held her and told her in hushed whispers how my heart swelled at the sight of her and how sorry I was for this choice that I had made.

  I told her how loved she would be by everyone in her life, that a day would not go by that I wouldn’t think of her. And that I would never stop loving her, and maybe I could be strong enough to be part of her life in some small way. The ache in my heart was too strong to be a part of her life in the way that our contract stated. I knew that I needed time and distance, and I hoped that someday I would be able to be there for her.

  Charles and Heather did not return to my room, until I asked for them. The nurse was getting my discharge papers ready. Susanne and the Petersens’ lawyer were in my room with the adoption paperwork. The lawyer reviewed the contract, and Susanne asked me once again if I was sure that this was what I wanted. I was unable to hide the tears that seemed to bleed from my heart as I nodded. I asked to see Charles and Heather and the baby one more time before I signed the papers. Susanne brought the three of them into the room a few minutes later.

  “Hi,” Heather whispered. The fear in her eyes was unmistakable, and the silence hung heavy in the air.

  “Hi, Heather,” I said with more confidence than I’d had since I met them. I placed my hand on her arm that was cradling my daughter. “I haven’t changed my mind,” I said quietly. I could see the relief flash in her eyes. She appeared so fragile in this moment, like at any second she might crumple to the ground. And I realized that, while she held my whole heart in her arms, I held her heart in my hands. The two of us so vulnerable, each in our own way. I knew that I would be forever bonded to this woman, the woman who my daughter would call mother.

  “Have you given her a name yet?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper even through my best attempt to appear strong.

  Heather turned her head and looked at Charles, as if to ask his permission to answer my question. The look he gave her was guarded but she turned back to me, “We would like to name her Brooklyn Grace. We want her to have a piece of you in her name, and Grace is my mother’s name.”

  My eyes filled with tears once again. “It’s beautiful. Thank you.” I turned to Susanne. “I’m ready to sign the papers.”

  I felt Marie’s hand on my shoulder. “Are you sure, Kendi?”

  “Yes, I’m sure.” The bedside table was wheeled toward me, a pen placed in my hand. I signed my name several times, a yellow tab showing me each place that required my signature. When I was done, I glanced up at Heather and Charles through bleary eyes. Tears streaked down Heather’s face, and Charles’s eyes were filled with moisture as he held his wife at his side. “May I have a few minutes alone with her?”

  Heather wiped the tears from her face with one hand. “Yes, of course.” She handed me the tiny bundle. “We’ll be right outside.”

  Susanne and the Petersens’ lawyer followed them out the door. Marie leaned over and kissed the baby’s forehead. She pulled a small camera from her purse. “Do you mind if I take a picture?”

  “Of course not.” I looked down at my daughter, sleeping soundly in my arms. I removed her hat, releasing her tiny dark curls. I could hear the quiet click from the camera as Marie took just one picture. She squeezed my shoulder and left the room.

  “Brooklyn Grace.” I sighed. “What a beautiful name for a beautiful girl.” I couldn’t say good-bye, couldn’t seem to form the words on my tongue. Although my mind was screaming it into the empty depths of my soul, I just sat in silence and cradled her, memorizing her delicate features, her scent, the feel of her soft skin against my own, the way she firmly gripped my finger in her tiny pink hand. It felt as if hours had passed while I held her, but, when I heard the door open and the sound of Marie’s voice as she called my name, it seemed not nearly long enough.

  “Are you ready?” Marie asked softly.

  “Yeah, I guess so,” I answered, knowing that I would never be ready for this moment.

  Susanne, Heather and Charles returned to the room. I had wanted to write Brooklyn a letter, a keepsake that she would have when she was older, but I hadn’t been able to find the right words. I knew that I would have many chances to write to her, our contract giving me that right. I kissed my sweet baby girl’s cheek and handed her back to Heather.

  I pulled the blankets from my legs and slipped out of the bed to stand on my feet. I removed the sapphire ring from my finger—the one Adam had given me—and held it out to Heather. “Please, give this to her one day. It’s the only thing I have that means anything to me.” Like the blood that ran through her veins, Brooklyn, Adam and I were bound together now by this one small token. Always.

  “Of course,” Heather said, opening her palm so that I could place it in her hand.

  I heard Charles’s deep voice, cracking as he tried to speak. “Kendi, words cannot express our gratitude. Susanne has our contact information, please keep in touch. We hope that you will always be part of our lives.”

  I could see his struggle, trying to keep his composure as the realization was settling in that they were going to walk from the room with this baby girl in their arms. My baby girl.

  “Good-bye, Kendi,” Heather said as she reached out with one arm to embrace me. As she pulled away, I once more stroked Brookl
yn’s cheek. Charles pulled me into a firm hug as well, and then they walked out. As I heard the door shut, I dropped to my knees, the overwhelming grief stripping me of my strength to stand.

  I was broken.

  Questions

  I pulled my seat belt tighter around my hips, feeling the airplane’s speed pick up as we raced down the runway. I leaned my forehead against the icy window and watched the endless snow-covered fields disappear as we made our ascent into the clouds. The plane jerked and swayed until it found a comfortable cruising altitude, and I let out a deep sigh, thankful to be going back to California. I was exhausted from the emotional events of the past two days. I had peeled back the bandages and aired my open wounds for people to see. Although no one could possibly comprehend the depth of the emotional scars that were still present ten years later.

  The disappointment that my mother felt toward me for the choices I had made was hard to stomach. She was hurt. Hurt that I felt that I could not confide in her, hurt by my deceit, hurt to see her daughter live with such pain, hurt for the granddaughter that she would never know. The shame I felt in revealing this part of my life to my mother— that I had buried for ten long years—had nearly killed me, and yet I felt free finally. The heavy burden that I had been carrying around with me had been lifted; I could breathe again.

  Allowing myself to remember Brooklyn’s face and the unbearable pain that I felt when she was gone was like rebreaking a bone—already fractured, beginning to heal— but it felt good to allow myself to think of her. My mother was understandably upset, but she still had hugged me tightly when I had left, assuring me that there wasn’t anything that I could do to make her love me any less. Her unconditional love only made me feel worse for keeping this from her for so long.

  She was openly appalled that I had kept this from Adam. She made me promise to make this right with him, reminding me that he deserved better than that. She was right of course, as mothers inevitably are. He did deserve better. I wasn’t sure if he would find it in his heart to ever forgive me.