by Alice Raine
A second later she practically yelped as she realised she was holding onto me and yanked her hand away as if she was the one getting burnt.
I’d been sorely tempted to tighten my grip so she couldn’t escape, but I’d never trap her to me like that. Besides, knowing how stubborn Caitlin could be she probably would have struggled and I didn’t want to have a tussle with her in front of Miriam, who was already watching us both with interest, so I reluctantly let her fingers slide from mine as she pulled back.
It was a shame, really. I could have done with the contact to help me deal with the discomfort as Miriam began to carefully prod at my watch strap.
As she hit a particularly tender patch it felt like someone had put a blow torch against my wound, and I couldn’t help but wince and suck in a hissed breath.
‘Have you been using your clicker for the pain?’ Miriam asked with a frown. I eyed the clicker which lay on the bed beside me and felt my eye flinch with guilt. I was supposed to press it any time I needed relief to administer a top-up of pain medication.
Trying not to look too guilty, I nodded. Which was a complete lie, because as soon as I knew Caitlin was coming to visit I’d stopped self-administering the drugs so I wouldn’t be drowsy. I hadn’t wanted to be bleary for her and they were seriously starting to wear off.
‘Hmmm,’ was all Miriam said, and I would have placed money on the fact that she’d seen straight through my lie.
Glancing at Caitlin, I found her gripping the bed rail like her life depended on it, and grimacing as she looked over to where Miriam was working on my nauseating arm. And it really was gross. Red skin surrounded my watch strap and below that several deep sores were visible which were weeping a yellowy liquid. All in all, it was quite a frightful sight.
I saw Caitlin’s eyebrows flicker with concern before she swallowed hard and looked at me with a slightly tense smile. Her fingers briefly lifted from the bar and hovered above mine before falling back to grip the bar so tight that her knuckles turned white.
It seemed she wanted to reach out, but wasn’t allowing herself to comfort me. In fact, now she looked distinctly like she was about to bolt from the room. As soon as Miriam left I was going to gently press her on the progress we’d been making recently and see if maybe she would consider going for a drink with me once I was out of the hospital. I might consider myself a gentleman, but I wasn’t above playing a situation to my advantage. If I could use Caitlin’s sympathy to get her to relax her boundaries a little then I would definitely pursue that possibility.
As soon as Miriam finished tending to my arm, Caitlin pulled in a breath and straightened her back, keeping her hands glued to the bed rail. ‘I’m so glad you’re OK, but I think I should go now.’
Damn. I’d been right about her fleeing then.
‘What? You only just got here,’ I blurted, my face falling with disappointment. Apparently my expression was pitiful, because from the way she suddenly sucked her lower lip into her mouth and chewed, it looked like her resolve was crumbling.
‘Stay? Just for a little longer?’ I cajoled softly.
Caitlin was obviously torn, her eyes flicking between mine and her clenched knuckles. Finally she released a long breath and fixed her stare on mine. ‘I’m just going to be honest with you, Jack. You’ve already spotted that I have ... issues ... with men. It’s relationships in general really, they aren’t something I’m good at ...’
I went to interrupt her, but she silenced me with a shake of her head. ‘The thing is ... well ... I’ve begun to get quite attached to you.’
My eyebrows jerked up in surprise at this turn in the conversation. She was attached to me? And admitting it sober? How was that a problem, exactly? It was like music to my ears, and if I hadn’t been confined to a hospital bed suffering from some fairly intense pain I would have jumped up and down with happiness. The panicked expression on Caitlin’s face stopped me from reacting though, because obviously she had more to say.
Caitlin flicked her elastic bands and I winced before she spoke again. ‘You’ve probably already guessed, but there’s a “but”.’
Sighing, Caitlin swept her hair from her face and exchanged the elastic band flicking for chewing on her lower lip again. ‘I really enjoy spending time with you...’ As she paused for breath I could practically hear the ‘but’ hanging in the air.
‘But I feel like I’m taking advantage of the fact that you make me feel good, and happy, and safe, when I can’t give you what you want.’ She swallowed loudly and lowered her eyes. ‘I don’t think I can give you more. Does that mean I’m leading you on?’
I zeroed in on the fact that she had said ‘I don’t think I can give you more,’ not a definitive can’t.
‘Have I ever pushed you for more than you felt comfortable with, Caitlin?’ I asked, desperately hoping she wouldn’t bring up the time when I had kissed her in the park – the one instance where I had pushed her and a day I regretted and treasured in equal measure.
‘No, but...’
‘No more buts.’ I shook my head, pleased that her eyes were still locked on to mine. She looked like she was teetering on the cusp of opening up, but was still hesitant to take such a leap.
Perhaps if I led the way and clearly laid out my feelings it might make her feel more sure. ‘I enjoy spending time with you too, Caitlin.’ I declared. ‘Were you worried when you heard I’d been involved in the fire?’
An expression of fear seemed to pass across her face, but before she’d even spoken, Caitlin snapped her teeth together and gazed towards the window, giving nothing more than a vague shrug. Damn, she was still holding herself behind those walls. The frown on her brows told me she was confused by my change in conversation, but now I had started on this route I was determined to get her to open up.
‘If things had been reversed, if it had been you in the fire, I would have been beside myself with worry,’ I confessed quietly. Her eyes flew to mine, wide and curious as she licked her lips.
‘Really?’ she whispered, her face losing some of its tightness as she waited for my reply. This tactic seemed to be working. She obviously wanted to explore the bond between us but seemed hesitant to expose herself first. That was fine by me, I had no issues laying my feeling on the table.
‘Really,’ I nodded and chose to risk it and go one step further. ‘In all honestly, I’m rather attached to you too.’ This was such an understatement that I nearly laughed. It seemed to cause a brief happiness to spread across her face before panic followed, her eyes dilating and shoulders tensing. ‘You can trust me, Caitlin. I swear I don’t, and won’t, ever expect anything more than what you’re willing to give.’
There was a long, heavy pause, and she parted her lips hesitantly. ‘Terrified,’ she murmured.
She was terrified? Of what? Me? A relationship?
‘I mean ... I was terrified. When I heard about you being in the fire I was a mess. The idea of you being hurt...’ Her eyes flickered shut.
My heart rate rocketed, embarrassingly projected around the room via the damn monitor, but Caitlin was so focused on my face that she didn’t seem to notice.
‘Let’s try something,’ I said. ‘We’re going to play the Yes or No game.’
I was totally winging it, but all I could do was hope that this might help Caitlin relax and get me some of the answers I needed in the process. In response to her confused frown I grinned and settled back against my cushions. ‘I get to ask you some questions, and the only reply you can give is a yes or a no. The only rule is that you must answer honestly. Then you can return the favour and ask me. OK?’
Cait
A game? I hadn’t expected this. Jack didn’t wait for me to agree; instead he started immediately.
‘Question one. Do I scare you?’ That wasn’t a question I’d been expecting at all, and my eyes flashed to his, wary and unsure where he was going with this. ‘Truthful answers, remember, and you can only say yes or no.’
Truthful answers...that
was pretty easy then. ‘No.’
Jack’s eyes widened in pleasant surprise, but it was true–the way he affected my senses scared me, the uncontrollable way I responded to him scared me, but Jack didn’t. I somehow knew he would never hurt me.
Giving a nod, his face softened as he smiled. ‘I’m glad,’ he whispered. I lowered my eyes, suddenly worried that he could somehow see through me to my carefully hidden secrets. Pulling in a deep breath, he cleared his throat. ‘Question two. Did you feel jealous when you saw that nurse flirting with me?’
My expression hardened at his cheek. It was embarrassing because he had obviously clocked the way I’d wanted to batter the woman.
‘No,’ I blurted, but my tone was hurried and sulky and probably gave away the fact that I’d broken his stupid ‘honest answers only’ rule.
My eyes were now trained on the bedsheet, hoping to hide my fib, but I heard Jack make a soft tutting noise as if he didn’t believe me for a second. Why was I such a crappy liar?
‘Look at me, Caitlin.’ The edge of command in his tone had my head rising without consent, but by the time I’d realised, it was too late, because he had caught me in his potent gaze again and I couldn’t drag my eyes away.
Those eyes. Man alive, they were something else.
‘Question three ...’ I was both relieved and surprised that he was letting me get away with my lie, but I found myself holding my breath as I waited to see what he had in store for me. ‘This one should be easy because I’ve already asked you this,’ he murmured. ‘Do you feel this thing developing between us?’ He wafted his hand in the gap between our bodies where I could swear there was electricity jumping at that very moment.
Do you feel this thing between us? I was instantly transported back to that day in the Getty Centre where he’d asked me the same question and I’d accidentally replied with a nod of confirmation.
My teeth clenched with the effort of holding in an instantaneous response. There was a connection between us. Whether it was just strange chemistry or more, I didn’t know, but it was definitely there. Not that I should be admitting that out loud. For whatever reason, Jack made me want to open up, like I was trained to respond to him, and going against that instinct took serious determination.
‘I barely know you,’ I whispered. Surprisingly, my voice sounded relatively stable, but I wasn’t able to keep eye contact as I avoided his question. True, we didn’t know each other well, but regardless, the connection was there. Some strange pull that tugged at me whenever Jack was near.
‘Caitlin.’ This time my eyes edged back to his gaze to find brown pools of determination staring at me. ‘That wasn’t what I asked. I let the last lie go, but no more fibs. Do you feel this thing between us, yes or no?’
Surely he could detect my attraction a mile off. He’d probably had his fair share of women falling for him over the years, so it must be pretty obvious that I was affected by him. Screamingly obvious, if the burning of my cheeks was anything to go by, not forgetting how lost I’d got in his kiss. Remembering how good his lips had felt, I shivered as a delightful tingling skittered across my skin. Admitting it wouldn’t really change anything, so I sighed and gave a nervous shrug.
‘Yes. But...’ Jack cut me off by raising a hand and smiling.
‘No buts. This is the Yes or No game. Not the Yes, No, or But game.’ I couldn’t help but give a tiny smile in return. I’d expected a smug smirk, but if anything, he actually looked relieved.
‘Ask me the same question,’ Jack urged, his eyes so focused on me that I could hardly breathe from the intensity.
There was no point carrying on with this stupid game, regardless of our connection. Nothing could ever come of it because I was damaged goods. Or could it? Jack had me so jumbled up that even I was starting to doubt the conviction of my long-held single status.
‘Do you...do you feel it?’ After forcing the words out I swallowed hard, but it sounded more like a rasping gulp in the silence.
‘I do. Yes. From the tips of my toes to the top of my head. When you’re near it’s like something inside of me comes alive.’ Oh God. I’d been worried he would say yes, but he’d gone and said so much more. My mouth fell open in surprise, until I felt like a gawping idiot. His word choices had really hit home because something inside of me came alive when he was near too.
What on earth did I do now?
Jack tilted his head and smiled that soft, affectionate smile that was quickly becoming my favourite expression. ‘Now it’s your turn to ask your earlier question.’
This was so surreal that my mind had gone totally blank. What question? Seeing my confusion, Jack leant across and whispered in my ear. His warm breath on my cheek made me quiver and my eyes briefly fluttered shut. ‘You asked if you were leading me on.’
‘Oh.’ My voice was hoarse, so I cleared my throat and asked again. ‘Am I...am I leading you on?’ I whispered, too intrigued not to, because I desperately wanted to know the answer.
‘No.’ Licking his lips, Jack shifted so he was marginally closer to me and gave me a hopeful smile. My heart was pounding so quickly I had no words, so I just stood there staring at him like an idiot. ‘You have been totally clear right from the start, but that’s OK, because this thing we feel between us...’ he jerked a hand between the two of us, ‘...is worth waiting for. I’ll be patient and wait as long as you need me to,’ he finished, his eyes burning into mine with such intensity I could almost feel his words imprinting into my very soul.
A desperate gasp broke from my throat that almost sounded like a sob, and I suddenly felt tears building behind my eyes. I seemed to have gone from zero to emotional wreck in under sixty seconds.
I so wanted what he was offering me, but it seemed beyond anything I could give. God, I had so much to process. I pinged my elastic bands and blinked my tears away.
‘So what do you say? Are you willing to try and let me in a little?’ he asked gently, his unwavering gaze never leaving mine for a second.
Jack
I could see that Caitlin was torn from the torrent of emotions passing over her face, and from the nervous pinging of those damn elastic bands around her wrist. God, I hated those things. I hated that she hurt herself with them.
‘Don’t overthink it,’ I murmured. ‘We don’t have to define our relationship with such strict boundaries like friends or more. We can just be two people who enjoy each other’s company and are getting to know each other.’ I probably sounded desperate, but that was because I was desperate. I knew it, and Caitlin most likely did too, but I didn’t care. The only thing I cared about was making sure she didn’t put distance between us.
I had no idea why she’d been brought into my life, but this girl was important to me–I’d known it from the first moment we’d met. There was a powerful connection between us, which didn’t occur often, and I wasn’t willing to walk away from it.
My eyes dropped to where her hands were resting on the side of the bed and I felt my eye twitch as she looped a finger under one elastic band and pulled it from her wrist. The skin below was bright pink and I couldn’t stop myself from reaching across and tucking my finger under the band as she let it go. Instead of snapping onto her skin, the band landed on the crook of my finger, the back of my knuckle just brushing her forearm as her eyes dropped down in surprise.
‘I’m sorry. I hate seeing you hurt yourself with those.’ They were obviously a coping mechanism, and as I thought about that a crazy idea sprung to my mind. She’d grabbed my hand once before–at the batting cages when the noise of the falling chairs had shocked her–so I wondered if she subconsciously found comfort in my touch.
‘I have one final question. Instead of flicking those elastic bands, would you like to squeeze my hand like you did at the batting cages?’
After several long seconds, Caitlin raised her eyes to mine and I noticed the flush now colouring her cheeks. ‘Squeeze my hand,’ I urged her. ‘Instead of hurting yourself, squeeze my hand to relieve your
stress. Could you do that?’
There was another lengthy pause, and then Caitlin slowly nodded. ‘Yes,’ she croaked. Shocking me, she made the first move by reaching down and sliding her trembling fingers around mine.
Warmth climbed through my body from the contact and I felt a contented sigh fill my lungs. I couldn’t have been more thrilled, and after allowing her to get used to the contact I shifted our hands so our fingers were interlinked. It was a small change, but far more intimate, and even though I knew this gesture was definitely moving away from friends towards more, I didn’t point it out to her.
Caitlin blinked and glanced at her spare hand and the elastic bands around the wrist before tucking the hand into her pocket with a shrug. ‘They’re meant as a distraction but sometimes I get carried away.’
I wanted to press her on the reasons she wore the bands, but I sensed that now wasn’t the time. What was she distracting herself from?
‘Distract yourself with me,’ I whispered. Watching her eyes flick to our joined hands and then my eyes, I could tell I was treading some seriously thin ground, until Caitlin’s lips twitched into a flicker of a smile.
‘So instead of hurting myself you want me to hurt you?’
Sensing the tension between us passing and transforming into something promising, I smiled, but managed to keep the excitement from my voice. ‘I’m pretty tough. I promise I can take it.’
‘You’re already in the wars, I don’t think you need to add “broken knuckles” to your list of injuries,’ she replied, still maintaining a gentle hold on my hand.
Shrugging, I gave my fingers a small wiggle. ‘Think of it like an oversized stress ball.’ This earned me an even bigger smile, which warmed me to my core and made my chest puff with pride.
We sat there like that for several minutes, holding hands and enjoying the sensations that being connected brought with it. It felt like every nerve ending in my body had simultaneously been ignited as her fingers gave a firmer squeeze before she let out a shaky breath.
