by Alice Raine
I felt like a teenager again. My neck was clammy, my stomach was churning with nerves, and below the bedsheets my groin had shot to life and was attempting to escape my pyjama trousers like a thing possessed, causing me to bend my knee across to conceal it.
Now was not the time to lose control. Caitlin was holding my hand and accepting that we meant something to each other, which were both major developments and something that I wasn’t going to ruin. Her fingers were rhythmically gripping mine, seeming to take out her nerves on my hand just as I had asked.
‘See? It’s not so bad,’ I murmured, my voice embarrassingly hoarse.
‘It’s nice,’ she paused, wincing as if she realised how bland the word ‘nice’ could be. ‘Really, er...good, but it feels a lot like more to me,’ she observed quietly as she continued to stare at our joined hands.
It felt a lot like more to me too, but I would do anything and everything in my power to keep her calm, so I stayed silent.
After a few minutes of contented quiet, Caitlin looked at me inquisitively. ‘So...uhh...what does this mean?’ she asked quietly, her eyes darting between mine and our entwined fingers. I could see anxiety on her face but curiosity too, and maybe even a tiny trace of hope.
‘It means whatever we want it to. Please stop overthinking. Remember what we said earlier–there is no friends or more between us. We’re just two people who enjoy spending time together and are getting to know each other.’
Another smile curved her lips, bigger and more confident, but her eyes stayed fixed on our fingers. ‘It’s not exactly a catchy title, but OK, I’ll roll with it.’
I couldn’t keep the smile from my face as we sat in silence, absorbing the skin on skin contact. OK, I wasn’t dragging Caitlin into my arms and kissing her like I wanted to, but right now, the simple act of holding hands was filling me with a roaring sense of hope.
I noticed Caitlin’s eyes narrowing and she began to fidget as if thinking something through. From the frown forming on her face, it wasn’t something good.
‘Can I...um...can I assume that you won’t be “getting to know” anyone else while we’re doing this? Whatever this is...’ she mumbled awkwardly, her cheeks flushing the most gorgeous shade of pink.
Blinking rapidly, I ran her words through my mind, realising to my joy that she seemed to be asking for exclusivity.
‘No, and I hope you won’t either?’
Caitlin actually laughed, the corners of her eyes crinkling as she looked at me with a wry smile. ‘Hardly. Just attempting to deal with you is stressful enough.’
Perfect. That was settled then. Caitlin and I were a sort of, not quite defined, but exclusive couple.
It made for a mouthful, but I had to admit, I loved the ambiguity and excitement.
Caitlin’s thumb was now tentatively moving against the back of my hand and I couldn’t help but look down and grin at our entwined fingers. It was a small, almost insignificant connection, but for me, this hand-holding status was perfect. For now. Caitlin certainly seemed to have come around to the idea of more in the long run. She was a little fragile, but I had every intention of being the man to help her escape her self-imposed boundaries.
Six
Cait
I left the hospital feeling...well, actually, I wasn’t entirely sure how I felt, because I was pretty sure my brain had short circuited somewhere back in Jack’s room.
What word would suitably sum up my emotions? Hopeful, perhaps? Happy? Loved up? Exuberant? None really seemed momentous enough to describe all that had occurred.
Was I in a relationship now? Grinning, I bit down on my lower lip to try and stop myself looking like a complete loon. I think I was in a relationship. Which was flipping crazy. Me, Caitlin Byrne, spinster specialist, was in a ‘taking-it-slow-and-seeing-how-it-goes’ kind of relationship, which was still by definition a relationship, I suppose. Maybe I’d be able to ditch the spinster title soon.
One thing was for sure–whatever the feelings swirling inside of me were, they lasted all through my cab ride back and were still with me as I approached the house. Pulling in a refreshing breath of the cool evening air, I walked through our small front garden with a broad grin on my face, hoping that Allie would be in so I could share my exciting news.
An ironic laugh slipped from my lips. Ha! Listen to me, actually wanting to talk about a man for a change. Allie would be in for a shock.
I was a complete newbie to this–I needed advice, and I needed it quick, but I also wanted to press her on the issues with Sean, and check she was OK. Just because I’d had a spectacularly exciting afternoon didn’t mean I would forget that my bestie was going through some tough times at the moment.
Pushing open the front door, I saw Allie on the sofa, staring into space with a cup of tea grasped in her hands. She was home. Perfect.
Tamping down my excited nerves, I was about to gently push her on the developments with Sean when she beat me to it. ‘Hey. How’s Jack? Tell me what happened, I want the deets.’
‘I thought we could talk about you and Sean first,’ I offered, slipping onto the sofa beside her.
‘Nope, that can come later. I want gossip first. Come on, how did it go?’
Her keen eyes and adamant refusal gave me the push I needed, and I felt something flip-flop in my belly as I suddenly set off, splurging out everything I had been holding inside me.
‘It was good. He’s OK. I mean, he’s not fully OK, obviously. He’s got burns, and his wrist...ugh...you should have seen it, his watch strap had melted and fused to his skin. It was gross. But they’re confident they can remove it in the morning so that’s really goo–’
‘Cait, take a breath, woman.’ Allie had placed a hand on my arm and I suddenly realised that I was talking a mile a minute and really did need to breathe. Oops. I may have gotten a little carried away. Pausing, I drew in several breaths and released them through my nose.
‘So I take it the visit went well? You’re glad you went to see him?’
Clearing my throat, I tried to control the blush I could feel flaming my cheeks. ‘Yeah. I’m really glad I went. He was in good spirits, all things considered.’
‘That’s probably because you went to see him.’ Annoyingly, my cheeks reddened further. Damn it. At this rate, my lousy face would give away my news before I’d even managed to say it. Suddenly feeling really nervous, I shrugged and stood up to fetch some wine from the kitchen. I needed a drink to calm myself down.
‘So are you going to give the guy a break and try a date with him yet?’ she enquired, her tone laden with curiosity.
My cheeks were now so hot that I was amazed they hadn’t actually ignited.
Jack and I hadn’t used the term ‘date’, or even dating, but I think it had been implied. ‘Actually, we did talk about us maybe moving things on,’ I confessed, returning with a bottle of red and two glasses.
‘Really?’ Allie squeaked, suddenly sitting very upright and looking as shocked as I felt.
‘Yeah. I was so nervous when he said it I couldn’t decide if I wanted to run away, throw up, or dive into his arms.’
‘What did you do?’ she pressed desperately.
‘It was a close run thing, but obviously I stayed and talked it through with him.’
‘And?’
‘And I totally panicked when he mentioned us being more than friends. So...’ I shrugged.
‘So...? Cait this is unbearable! I wish you’d spit it out!’ Allie was clearly losing patience, because she was now urging me on with some very exasperated hand flapping.
‘So...Jack suggested we try being two people who like one another and want to get to know each other.’
‘Right,’ Allie agreed, but I could tell from the tone of her voice that she didn’t quite understand it the way Jack and I did. He’d immediately understood that the idea of a formal relationship scared me, so this was his way of helping me relax by not putting the pressure of a label on it...whatever it was.
‘An
yway, he knows that slow steps is all I can manage right now...but...well, I’m kind of dating him now.’ Allie’s eyes flared with the same kind of happiness I was feeling in my belly and then, suddenly, she flapped her arms, unable to keep her excitement contained for a second longer.
‘Oh my God! This is so exciting, Cait!’
And it was, but my excitement and happiness were mixed with overwhelming anxiety. Was I nuts trying to date a Hollywood actor who was over ten years my senior? I guess I’d find out soon enough. ‘I’m feeling pretty dazed, it’s all such a mix of happiness and fear, but amazing too. Nothing really happened apart from talking, but we did hold hands for a bit.’ It had been more like an hour, but I kept that part to myself.
‘You held hands?’ Allie asked, her eyebrows lifting in pleasant surprise. Considering I was talking about a man and actually openly discussing the way I felt about him–pretty much a first where Spinster Cait was concerned–Allie was managing to contain her glee surprisingly well, apart from her arm flapping episode, bless her.
Nodding, I gave a small hum as I recalled how I’d seen his injuries and grabbed his hand. I was the least touchy-feely person I knew, but wham, put Jack Felton within spitting distance and I became all grabby like a frigging octopus. Not that that would be a bad thing any more, now we were kind of dating.
‘I didn’t think I’d ever find someone I could trust like this again,’ I added, slowly absorbing the enormity of this new reality, and as a result there was a nervous shake to my hand as I poured the first glass of wine.
‘Tell me about the hand holding,’ Allie asked keenly as she accepted the glass.
I shrugged, suddenly embarrassed. ‘Jack noticed my habit of flicking these,’ I said, pointing to my elastic bands. ‘Apparently he doesn’t like the idea of me hurting myself. He said to squeeze his hand instead, like an oversized stress ball.’
Allie’s eyes opened wide and she blinked several times before sighing. ‘Wow. That’s really romantic. I think I like him even more.’
‘Yeah.’ I replied, knowing with certainty that I definitely liked him more than I did before. ‘It was nice.’
‘Just nice?’ she replied with a glint in her eye.
Giggling, I shook my head. ‘OK, it was more than nice.’ Opening up about my feelings seemed to be far easier now I’d made my decision with Jack.
I took a sip of wine and waggled my eyebrows. ‘So, that’s my gossip. Fill me in on Sean while we’re settled.’
Allie winced, gulped some of her drink and held out her glass for a top up. ‘Let’s have a few drinks first.’ Uh-oh. That didn’t sound particularly promising.
‘Before we change topics, I just want to say I’m really glad Jack’s OK, and I’m really proud of you.’
The blush that had receded from my cheeks popped back up and I tried to hide my reddening face by nodding and turning my head. It was almost starting to sink in...I was dating Jack Felton.
I really couldn’t have been any happier about it.
Seven
Allie
The sun was slowly beginning to sink in the sky, but it was still warm enough to move out to the deck and enjoy the evening. The house I shared with Cait was on the small side, but it was worth it just to get this deck. It had probably seen more use than the other rooms in the house combined.
As a treat, we had ordered a Chinese takeaway–courtesy of Cait’s first pay check–and the delicious goodies were spread across the small table in front of us, making me salivate. BBQ ribs, prawn toast, sweet and sour chicken, duck in black bean sauce, spicy chilli beef ... the dishes went on and on.
‘Consider this an early birthday meal,’ Cait grinned, lifting her wine glass in a toast.
I smiled, happy that Cait had remembered my birthday, which was in two days’ time, and clinked my glass against hers before taking a swig. Sean and I might be on a break, but at least I could celebrate with my best friend. ‘Thanks, Cait, this looks amazing. I thought with the fire and everything that’s been going on with Jack, you might have forgotten.’
Cait made a dismissive raspberry noise and shook her head. ‘No chance. This is the first time in ages I actually get to see you on your birthday. I’ve taken the day off work, so is there anything particular you’d like to do?’
Looking back at the food, I topped up my chilli beef. There was way too much food here for just the two of us, but I suspected this was Cait’s way of trying to perk me up because she knew just how much of a sucker I was for a decent Chinese meal.
‘Not really. Maybe mooch around the shops and get lunch somewhere?’
‘Sounds good.’
Over the next half-hour we continued to stuff ourselves while I gave Cait an update of my break with Sean. I explained, in painful detail, the course of my last few days; discovering his beach house empty but full of beer bottles and smelling like perfume, flying to LA and finding him sick, meeting his sister Evie, and then lastly, with flaming cheeks, I told her how I’d accidentally ended up sleeping with him.
At this tit-bit, Cait dropped her chopsticks and raised both eyebrows. ‘How do you “accidentally” sleep with someone? “Oops, sorry, I tripped and fell on your dick?”’ she joked, still not looking best impressed. It was hardly surprising, because I wasn’t best impressed with myself, either.
Dropping my eyes, I fiddled with the hem of my shorts. ‘It wasn’t like that. He woke me up by doing...stuff to me, and I was sleepy and confused. By the time I’d fully come to my senses it was too late.’
‘The deed had been done,’ Cait concluded with a sage nod.
‘Yeah.’ Recalling Sean’s distraught face that day, I put my chopsticks down as any remaining appetite I had vanished. ‘He looked crestfallen when I said I didn’t want to have any contact with him until the Savannah fiasco is sorted. I felt terrible,’ I admitted. ‘I still do.’
Cait resumed her dinner, chewing thoughtfully on a spring roll. Pushing my plate away, I leant my elbows on my knees as my sudden guilt made the food I’d eaten feel like a sack of rocks in my stomach. On the table, Cait’s phone beeped with a message alert and she opened it up before making a face and dropping the phone. ‘Ugh. My fingers are so greasy.’
As she wiped her hands clean I picked her phone up and used my napkin to clean the smears for her before glancing at the screen.
‘Don’t worry, I can clean that. Here, let me have it,’ Cait said, her voice higher than usual. My eyes strayed across the screen again and I saw a message from someone called Phillip. I frowned, and instinctively pulled the phone back.
Cait didn’t have male friends, so that made it weird to start with, but what was really bugging me was the content of the message.
‘Who’s Phillip?’ I asked, my tone tight.
Cait scrabbled at my hand as she attempted to snatch the phone back, which was very un-Cait-like. ‘Uhhh...just...a friend. Someone from...the studio. Give me my phone. Please.’
Something in my gut told me she was lying, so instead, I swivelled out of her reach and read the message.
* * *
From: Phillip
Thanks for letting me know she got back to L.A. safely. I appreciate it. S
* * *
It didn’t take a genius to work out what was going on.
‘This is from Sean, isn’t it?’
Cait didn’t even attempt to deny it, crumpling, nodding once, and leaning forwards to bury her face in her hands. ‘Yeah. Shit, Allie. I’m sorry.’
‘Cait, what the hell? Why are you and Sean texting? Are you spying on me?’ My heart rate had rocketed. I wasn’t jealous, I knew neither Cait nor Sean would ever cheat on me, but I couldn’t believe they’d been talking behind my back.
‘He was going out of his mind. I mean, he had a real, proper panic attack.’
That brought me up short. Sean had had another panic attack? I knew he had them, but I hadn’t thought they’d been such an issue recently.
‘When?’ I croaked, my voice suddenly losin
g its force.
‘After you two had the bust-up at the studios, he came to the house looking for you.’ Cait ran a hand through her hair, her meal also abandoned on the table. ‘I didn’t know you’d broken up, and he was ranting, barely making any sense. He explained what had happened and had this panic attack.’ Cait swallowed hard, as if struggling with her composure, and she wasn’t the only one.
Seeing me on the verge of crumbling, Cait gave my forearm a supportive squeeze. ‘He asked if I would text him updates, but I swear I said no. He was in such a state though, so I took his number in case of emergencies, then he messaged me today. He must have got my number from Jack.’ Cait looked worried I wouldn’t believe her, but I did, completely.
He’d had a panic attack because of me. As if I didn’t feel bad enough about the monumental ‘accidental shag’ in Vegas, I had this to add to it. Fuck.
‘It’s not been a regular thing, I promise. He messaged me this morning to see if you had got back from Vegas OK, and I replied, that’s all,’ Cait whispered, her eyes wide and imploring.
‘I believe you, Cait.’
Chewing on my lip, I let out a long, low breath. So he was still my man with over-protective tendencies, which reassured me a little. But his panic attacks had come back. Wasn’t that just fan-bloody-tastic?
Eight
Jack
Sucking in a deep lungful of air, I smiled. It couldn’t quite be described as ‘fresh air’ because it was humid as hell, but still, it was real, outside air, and not the recycled air-conditioned stuff I’d had to deal with in the hospital.
Tipping my head back, I gazed at the clear blue sky. It felt so bloody good to be out of the confines of that suffocating room.
In the end I’d been kept in for observation for three days, and to my surprise, Caitlin had visited me each day, growing in confidence and even being the one to initiate a hand hold on two occasions.
I’d been released just after lunchtime, and as much as I wanted to use my freedom to explore my relationship with Caitlin, I was aware that I needed to tread carefully. And anyway, from the text she had sent me earlier, I knew she was working.
