Of Stars & Lies

by R. M. Grace

  The idea to come here might not have been the best. People keep staring over and winking, or making their feelings towards their relationship known. With the pills he could handle that, now it isn't so easy. Cade, as ever, doesn't let it bother him though as he continues to grin his way, so he is happy enough. That is all Loveren cares about.

  After twenty minutes of awful music, the DJ finally announces the band on the stage, so Love asks if he wants another beer before they begin. He doesn't.

  He must be expecting something memorable tonight. Either that, or he doesn't want to be rude with me not drinking.

  When Sorrows and Dreams come out, Cade whispers how much they've all changed. From time to time, Love speaks to each member on Skype and texts and calls, so it doesn't make much difference to him.

  Greg is getting a gut and James has inherited his father's receding hairline, which he tries to hide behind a wavy fringe. Matt looks the same as always, just with dark bags under his eyes and more stubble than he had days ago.

  Matt spots him and nods. He's the one who said he should come clean with his feelings for Cade, so he must be pleased to see him turn up as his date.

  If only I hadn't been so stubborn and told him sooner.

  ***

  The music is great and raises the atmosphere. Couples embrace on the dance floor and on the tables. Groups cheer and raise their glasses to say a fond farewell to the band. Yet, Love finds himself at the foot of the stage, ready to wreck the night's happiness.

  Why the hell am I even doing this?

  To ask for a reunion is one thing, but this is something else.

  This is ridiculous. I'm ridiculous.

  Romantic notions have eluded him in life this far. The idea might pay off, but without his medication, his mind is soaring. Sure, this may be a terrible idea, but it could also be the most rewarding. He won't know until he tries.

  “Hey, man. I'm glad you came.”

  Love bumps Matt's fist and compliments the set. He knows a handful of the old songs like he knows his own books because he wrote them himself. Although, he has to admit, it still sounds strange to hear his words sang back to him.

  “Shame it's the last time you'll get to play in front of a huge crowd.”

  “We went out on a high though. Sure beats having glasses thrown at us,” Matt comments with a chuckle.

  “Did that ever happen?”

  “Sure, a few times actually.”

  Love laughs with him and glances back over to Cade, whose smile beams. And, in that instant, he knows his plan will work.

  “Listen, can I ask a favour?”

  “Sure, anything for my best bud.”

  ***

  Matt isn't sure it's a good idea, and tells him so, but agrees. If Loveren is willing to make a complete tool of himself, then who is he to stop him?

  Now, sitting on the stool with an old friend in his hands, Loveren wishes he had listened. With the pills shoved in the back of the drawer, the eyes in the crowd burn into his demeanor and force his nerves into overdrive. The pair piercing through him the most are Cade's golden orbs. When the lights go back down, they shine like the stars. His expression is a mixture of surprise and expectation, so Love knows this has to be good.

  He fidgets to get comfortable, but no matter how he sits, he remains awkward. With the mic level and his fingers trembling, he reads the lyrics in his mind. It has been a good while since he preformed, least of all in front of the man he wants to impress. He has practised the tune for days in the hope to sing it while sitting around the fire, or in bed, but not in front of anyone else.

  Yet, he homes in on those eyes and draws him in to make it as intimate as possible. Why should they not share their love with the rest of the world, anyway? He wants to show them all how much this beautiful guy means to him, even if that involves public humiliation. After the numbness, a little humiliation might be good.

  When Matt introduces him to the growing crowd, a round of applause greets him. The response does nothing to calm his nerves, but feeds his confidence a little and reminds him to take a breath.

  Once Matt leaves the stage, Love's feet tremble against the stool and he shuffles to find steady ground. Then, before he realises it, his fingers are strumming against the strings, causing the crowd to fall silent. He can tell every one of those faces is listening to pin-point the song. They know it, they just can't place it.

  He spares a glance toward Cade to verify his approval before he starts singing. The beautiful smile Loveren finds urges him on, so he fills the room with his husky voice. He hears a handful of sniggers when people realise the song as he gets into it, but he pushes them away. When he eases into the chorus, he finds his rhythm and his nerves fall away just like old times.

  It may be a cheesy pop song to most, but it means a lot to Cade. And, now he allows himself to drift back into memories of childhood, he can find meaning in the words too. The amount of nights he lay in bed wishing Cade was there with him is countless. In this life, he knows Cade is the only one for him.

  He always has been.

  With a fresh dose of confidence, Love glances through the grinning faces again to find the only one in this whole place that means anything to him. His lips are tight together and his eyes gleam with a light sheen within the ceiling lights. The sight brings a gush of warmth to his own, and the sudden realisation of how intense his emotions are for Cade takes over. His words falter as he chokes back the tears, but like a true professional, he continues until the end.

  ***

  “I knew I was right to pick that song,” Cade whispers into the nape of his neck as he embraces him.

  “You mean the one I didn't sing and wreck, right?”

  As Cade pulls back, he smacks his arm with a chuckle. “It was perfect like I knew it would be.”

  A guy with a chequered shirt and goatee claps Love on the back. “That was great, man.”

  The room burst into cheers once he finished. He didn't realise he could miss something he didn't even want, but he cannot lie and say the appreciation isn't nice. After months of being numb, he might be able to clear his desk and get back to gaining appreciation that way.

  “So you liked it?”

  “I loved it like I love you, Love.”

  Love traces the corner of Cade's arched lips and along his jaw line. “I love you too.”

  Once those words are out, Cade's mouth drops further down his face as panic bolts through his eyes. “You don't have to say that.”

  “I know I haven't said it before, but I have loved you for years. I didn't want to say it without feeling it, but now I can.”

  “You mean?” Cade's eyes gesture south with hope.

  “Do you want to go back to the apartment and test it?”

  Cade reads his lips over the return of the DJ's terrible music, then nods with enthusiasm. He tells him he is going to the toilet first and heads through the crowd with haste.

  This is finally it.

  Once they get into the privacy of the bedroom, Loveren will get what he has fantasised about since he can remember. His fantasies of Cade led him to discover he was gay before he even knew what that word meant.

  The thought of getting into bed with him tonight though fills him with excitement and a heavier dose of anxiety. But he has no time to consider the hours—or minutes—ahead as a firm hand seizes his shoulder.

  “That rocked!”

  “I'm glad I didn't choke. It's been a long time.”

  “Don't worry, you nailed it! I've missed seeing you on stage. Where's your date gone, anyway?” Matt winks and glances through the crowd. “Don't tell me, he didn't like your rendition.”

  “He loved it. You know, it's Cade's favourite.”

  “Don't you think that's strange?”

  “Yeah, it's a terrible song.”

  “No, don't you think it's strange to sing it?”

  Through the crowd, Love spots Cade and grins.

  “No, that's the whole point. Look, I appreciate
what you did tonight. I've got to go though.”

  “Hold up,” Matt calls. “At least come and hang with the guys for an hour, they've missed you.”

  “I'm sorry, okay? We can meet up in the week. I've got something important to do tonight.” Love pats his arms and hurries to catch Cade, who is already heading to the door.

  Eleven

  “How long have you known?”

  “A few days.”

  “Is that why you've been jumping out the bed before I can find out for myself?”

  Love laughs as he pushes the front door closed. “I know any time would be perfect, but I planned this, and I wanted to be sure.”

  Once Cade closes the space between them with slow, seductive steps, his fingers slip underneath Love's collar as he leans into him.

  “I thought I was more than a piece of meat to you, but obviously not,” Loveren laughs.

  “You are, trust me. Right now though, after what you did, I just want to show you how much I loved it.”

  Pinned against the door, Love accepts the lips pressing against his with hungry vigour. The bitter remnant of beer tastes sweet as his skin merges with his own, drawing him deeper until his moist organ is writhing in heat.

  Cade's fingers slide over Love's firm chest as he rakes his fingers through the brunette stands with harsh need. With his free hand wrapping around his lover's throat, Love can feel the vibration he is causing from yanking on matted knots. Yet, he doesn't stop as the sensation of restraining Cade's groans with his mouth only intensfies the urgency to have him more. To have him now, anywhere and anyhow he can.

  When Cade drags him by the t-shirt, he complies without breaking contact. He couldn't let him go if he tried, and he certainly doesn't want to try. From the distance between the door and the bedroom, their lips lock in a hungry battle to taste as much as one another as they possibly can. And their hands become a flurry of movements as they fondle as much of one another as they can reach. They shed items of clothing along the floor as they stumble with their feet tangling together in a passionate dance.

  They separate long enough for Cade to yank Love's shirt off his head with eager fingers to leave his hair a mess. Before the material can hit the ground, their lips mesh together again, moving in unison to explore what Loveren thought would forever be out of his reach.

  Love's desperate hands fumble with the buttons of his partner's shirt, but when the repetitive action makes him inpatient, he yanks them from the thread and dives for the skin beneath. The instant he finds what he seeks, the touch elicits a moan into his mouth.

  They part to pull one another's shoes and socks off, tossing them aside without care. Within the darkened room, with only the moonlight spilling through the open curtains, their mouths soon collide again. The connection is hard enough for their teeth to click against one another's.

  Cade's body presses against him, allowing Love to caress his back and slide south to give his ass a squeeze. His hands knead the firm cheeks, urgent to spread them and bury his tongue inside that sweet hole.

  His legs connect with the bed and, with nowhere to go but on his back, Cade grinds his arousal against his own. The strain is already dampening his briefs and begging for release—something that has been absent for far too long.

  I'm never going back on those stupid pills.Never.

  Love's teeth sink into Cade's plump bottom lip. He nips and sucks along the length as he teases his hips against him.The soft moan of warm air that floods his face tells him one thing: he cannot wait any longer to be free of the barriers keeping them apart. And Loveren cannot blame him.

  When slender fingers slip between their heat and delve to Love's belt, it forces him to abandon his groping.

  “Hold on.” Love breaks their tryst and the hand working his belt falls away.

  “Sorry, are we going too fast?”

  A dim yellow light answers Cade's question from the bedside table. Love fumbles with the setting until it isn't too bright, but exposes each curve of his deepest desire.

  “No, I just want to see you, that's all.”

  Despite saying that, he cannot help thinking they are rushing.

  How long can I last after all this time?

  “You're worried you won't last long.”

  “I guess.” Love moves around the bed to yank the curtains closed.

  “It doesn't matter. We've got all night, and tomorrow.”

  The warm smile that greets Love calms his nerves in an instant.

  “What about the rest of our lives?”

  Cade crosses the room where his fingertips tickle the back of his neck. The touch is a simple, but effective one as it pulls him back into those lips again. With the light on them, Love can see they've swollen from his attack, but the fluster in Cade's cheeks is a look he can get used to.

  He is so damn cute like this.

  “The rest of our lives sounds good to me.”

  Those words prompt the desire to push any worries away. With Cade by his side, he knows whatever happens, the experience will be one to savour.

  Twelve

  The wind sweeps his raven hair backwards and causes ripples to spread through the material against his ribs.

  From here, he can see a distant shore, but within this unknown place, he cannot name the island. It could be Wales, he summarises. Although, if he is staring at the Bristol Channel it doesn't resemble what he recalls.

  The view is clear and the sky is the deepest tone of blue. The sun hangs high above where it radiates a strong heat. Despite the wind, a light sheen dampens his forehead and sticks his t-shirt to his armpits.

  The waves below move in calming shades of lagoon and turquoise. The water is so clear that the shadows drifting beneath capture his attention.

  “This place is beautiful.”

  As Love glances around to find the voice, he sees the unsoiled landscape unfold before his eyes. This is no hotspot for tourist attractions and buildings, but a secluded place that only belongs to them for now. Only slopping hillsides spread as far as the eye can see with houses dotted between the grass, leading into the distance. He remembers telling Cade he wanted to buy a house out here one day.

  Maybe we'll buy one together when we retire.

  “Where are we?”

  “Does it matter? We're together.”

  Cade's fingers entwine with his on the cliff's edge. Foamy waves lap against the jagged rocks below, but each movement is subtle.

  “We are, but how did we get here? You're terrified of heights. I remember on holiday we climbed the rocks, but you wouldn't go near the edge.”

  “I am, but that's not the point. I want to try more scary things because I feel like I can do anything now.”

  “One night with me and you've gone crazy,” Love teases

  “And they say it's not contagious,” Cade sarcastically retorts. “No, I'm not crazy. I'm more like Lois Lane.”

  “I think you mean Superman, he's the one who can do almost anything.” Love's eyes sparkle light green like the algae within the sun shine.

  “No, because you're the one who catches me when I fall. That makes you Superman.”

  No, I failed. You're the one who catches me and makes me feel alive.

  “I might have to get a cape then.”

  “Whatever you do, don't wear your pants over any tights. That's not hot. Besides, I don't think they could contain you.” Cade chuckles and raises their joint arms, but his usual humour-filled teasing is absent this time. Instead, he takes on an aloof expression as his golden eyes disappear behind closed lids and he takes a deep breath.

  “Can you feel that?”

  Before, Love would have asked what he is referring to, but now he has no doubt. He means everything: the gentle caress of the sun on his skin; the beads of sweat that clings his t-shirt to the centre of his back; the fresh mixture of salt, blossom and freedom; the cooler air that whips at his clothes and bites at his ears; and the clammy touch of their palms joining them to one another. The entire pla
ce is what he means, not a singular act. What is more, Loveren feels every piece and, for the first time in years, his emotions are soothing.

  As Love slips his eyes shut, his lashes flicker and his mouth twitches into a smile. Nothing has felt this good in his life, and he bathes in the experience.

  “It's wonderful.”

  “When you think of me, remember I'll be here with you. Always.”

  “Why, where are you going?” Love's eyes spring open and stare with suspicion at the side of his face.

  “Down there. You can join me if you like.”

  “Down where?” For a moment, Love cannot wrap his mind around the words because Cade cannot mean what Love thinks he means. Jumping off this cliff is preposterous—something Cade would never entertain.

  “You can't jump.”

  “Why not?”

  “It's madness! There's all those rocks—you'll die.”

  “I can't die.”

  “Yes, you can. I can't live without you.”

  Cade snorts at that and glances towards the horizon. “I'm with you from now until eternity. Wherever you go, I will follow. But you have to let me go.”

  “What? No, I won't let you do this.”

  Cade's fingers slip away from his and he reaches for them again. Yet, he cannot grasp them because Cade's arms are already outstretched and leaning over the cliff at a ninety-degree angle. The dirt at his bare toes crumble and get caught in patches of grass. His feet shuffle closer so he is balancing on the tips.

  “No! Don't do this,” Love shouts as he stretches to reach him. There isn't a foot between them, yet his fingers cannot yank him backwards.

  Cade's feet leave ground. For a moment, he floats within the air as though he is using his arms as wings. And then, he falls.

  When Love's feet slap against the dirt, stones scratch his skin, but he doesn't grimace, or allow himself to invite the pain inside. Instead, he grabs for his partner, only to catch air.

  All he can do is listen as his screams echo across the land as Cade plunges into the rocks below.