The Children Money Can Buy

by Anne Moody

  When Jocelyn was a toddler, we would look at the journal and admire things like the pictures her sisters had drawn of what they thought she might look like and the cute invitation to her baby shower, without paying attention to the text. When she was about six years old—a non-mushy stage for her—we decided to read the book as a bedtime story. I read every word, and she paid attention to every detail. She heard about the preparation of her room, about all the interest and questions from friends and family, about her sisters’ plans for her. She heard me say over and over again that I was so excited, that we were all so excited, that we could hardly stand the wait. She heard me get really mad when immigration lost our forms, and she heard me describe what it was like to see her picture for the first time. As I read to her, I realized that that little book, in all its mundane detail, was telling her how much we loved her. Normally, as a squirmy six-year-old, she wouldn’t have allowed the expression of such sentiment, but she was all ears night after night. I had anticipated that the journal would be helpful in explaining the adoption process, but it was far more important than that: it was written-down, irrefutable proof of our love—any child could see that.

  2. Create visual reminders/celebrations of the adoption.

  These don’t have to be elaborate in any way (although people are able to create fabulous personalized books these days). It will suffice to have a few pictures to look at and talk about together. Babies love to look at pictures of themselves, and I think the best, simplest way to introduce the word “adoption” to a child is with pictures. They could be pictures of the first time you held your child in the hospital, referral pictures from the agency, pictures taken at the airport when he or she arrived in this country, pictures of your family in the courtroom when the adoption was finalized, or pictures from a party celebrating that event. The important point is to have them available to your child and to display them where they can be appreciated. It will then be easy to make occasional comments like, “That was the day we finalized your adoption. We were so happy.” That way, your child gets familiar with the word “adoption” before having any idea what it means and also gets the message that the word is associated with happiness. And you will never have to initiate the dreaded, “Sit down son. We have something to tell you” conversation.

  3. Seize the moment, calmly.

  The key to conversations about adoption with children is to be open, relaxed, and in the moment. It’s almost never a great idea to sit down for “The Talk.” That sort of approach just makes kids feel uncomfortable and tips them off that something awkward is about to happen. There are lots of good books about adoption for young children, but you have to be careful about your selections because there are lots of clueless books as well. My least favorite are those that reassure children that they’re not flawed even though they were adopted. (It is amazing how many children’s books have this slant.) They remind me of a book I saw once that was written for children who had been born by caesarean section in an effort to assure them that they were still normal. The book (and the parents who bought it) seemed to suggest that any “issues” the child might have were a result of their feelings of loss over not having had a natural birth experience, when in fact they were far more likely the result of being raised by neurotic parents.

  Children typically don’t have a great deal of interest in adoption until they have some idea about where babies come from or, in the case of interracial adoption, until they begin to notice that they look different from the other people in their family. The age at which they express interest varies widely, with some particularly sensitive and/or astute children asking questions almost as soon as they have the words to do so. The norm is usually between three and six, and the timing is greatly influenced by such outside forces as hearing about the arrival of another baby, either by birth or adoption.

  The subject of adoption can also be brought up when your child listens to a book or sees a movie or television show that deals with adoption. Although not specifically about adoption, there is an abundance of children’s movies in which the main character is a lonely child or animal in need of a family. Unfortunately, there is also an abundance of inaccurate and negative portrayals of adoption, and parents have to be careful—although even these can offer a chance for discussion and education. Often, it is helpful simply to say something like, “Wow, they sure got that wrong” when you see an incorrect portrayal.

  The most important thing parents can do to encourage communication with their children is to create an environment in which adoption is talked about in a casual and informative manner, just like any other subject that is of interest to the family.

  4. Prepare your child for conversations about adoption. (It’s later than you think.)

  Talk to your child early and give her the information she will need in order to be able to answer other people’s questions the way she wants to answer them. This does not mean that you tell a young child all the details of her adoption story and then send her off to pass this information on to anyone who is curious. It’s helpful to always keep in mind that your child’s story is hers and that she alone should decide how and when to share it with others. Parents can encourage their children to be open and relaxed about the subject of adoption in general while still preserving the privacy of their personal stories.

  A friend of mine who is also an adoption counselor told me about her experience with her daughter, who was adopted as an infant. When the little girl was about seven, the family moved to a new home, and she was outside playing with her new friends one afternoon. An older child apparently announced to the group that Julia was adopted—something that was not a secret. Then another child asked, “Why didn’t your real mom want you?” Unfortunately, although Julia understood some things about adoption, she had no idea how to respond to this new idea that she had been unwanted or that her real mom was someone other than her mom. She came home crying, and her mother felt terrible for not having foreseen this situation, even though she regularly counseled other families about talking with their kids about adoption.

  When adoptive parents talk about experiences like this, they usually focus on how insensitive other people can be about adoption. But we don’t actually know that any of the children in this situation meant to be unkind. And even if they did mean to upset Julia, she was in a position to influence their attitudes if only she had known what to do.

  I see at least two probable scenarios. The first is the one that resulted in Julia getting upset and the other children learning that adoption upsets people, specifically Julia. Now that the other children know how emotionally charged the subject is for her, they are likely to bring it up again, not necessarily because they are mean but because they are trying to figure out what the “deal” is with adoption. The second scenario is one in which the exact same things are said by the other children but Julia is able to respond to the question, “Why didn’t your real mom want you?” by saying, “My birth mom was too young to take care of a baby.” If she had had that answer prepared ahead of time, she would have been in a position to enlighten that whole group of children. If Julia hadn’t gotten upset but simply answered matter-of-factly, the other children would not have come to the conclusion that adoption was an upsetting subject. Even if the other children were intending to be unkind, a calm response from Julia could have shown them that adoption was something she felt comfortable about, and it would have been eliminated as a subject about which they could tease her.

  Clearly, it is asking a lot of a seven-year-old to educate the world about adoption and deflect possible bullying with one carefully chosen sentence. It is not, however, too much to ask of adoptive parents that they have conversations with their children that will help prepare them for people’s natural curiosity about adoption. Even if Julia had been well prepared for this encounter, things might have turned out badly; but as it was, she simply had no tools to help her handle the situation.

  5. All things
in moderation.

  Keeping the lines of communication about adoption open does not mean cramming the subject down your child’s or anyone else’s throat at every opportunity. It means that you handle the subject comfortably when it comes up, letting your child know that adoption is important and interesting to you but that you are not fixated on it. Most children don’t like it when their parents make too big a deal about something, and they especially don’t like being singled out or made to feel different. Artificially initiated conversations about adoption can trigger feelings of discomfort, and parents may mistakenly conclude that the adoption, rather than the parent’s approach, is the problem. It is important to respect children’s privacy and give them room to develop their own feelings about adoption and their birth parents. Parents need to understand that these issues can be quite separate from their own relationship with their child.

  6. Silence is not golden.

  Many adoptive parents tell me that their child has no interest in adoption because he never asks any questions. When the parents brought it up, the child seemed disinterested, so they now assume that if he wants to know more he will say so. I hear some version of this from all sorts of parents, including absolutely wonderful parents who would be happy to talk with their child if they thought he wanted to talk. I also hear it from parents who aren’t comfortable talking about adoption, are clearly transmitting their discomfort to the child, and are relieved by the child’s silence. But I do not believe that the silent children are not interested; I believe that they have gotten the message that something about adoption makes their parents uncomfortable, and they are nervous about finding out why this is true.

  Adoptive parents should feel responsible for educating themselves, their children, and society in general about adoption. Attitudes have changed dramatically during my career, and they no doubt will continue to evolve. When I was a child, the whole subject of adoption was “hush-hush,” the general feeling being that it was preferable for adoptive parents to avoid ever having to tell their children the (most likely shameful) story of their origins. I remember being about eleven years old and reading a “Dear Abby” column in which she controversially advised parents to be honest with their children about adoption, but not until they were thirteen and could handle the (again, shameful) truth. Any parent of a thirteen-year-old knows that that has to be one of the worst possible ages at which to confront a child with anything, let alone the fact that their parents have been lying to them about their origins for their entire life. Not only have they been lying—they also have been believing that adoption was such a painful, embarrassing, negative subject that they couldn’t even acknowledge its reality to the child. The message the child eventually gets is that there is something about him (adoption) that is so bad that his parents couldn’t even bear to tell him when he was younger.

  What does a sensible child do after learning something like that? On the surface, he assiduously avoids the subject and shrugs off any further effort on his parents’ part to engage in more conversation. Underneath, he has a million unanswered questions and worries. If the child is able to put on a good front, his parents will conclude that they have done their job, and he is just not interested in the subject. If he is less able to disguise his emotions, the parents will conclude that the child has been devastated by the fact of his adoption and will worry that their relationship has been damaged. And in a way it has—by their own prejudices and insecurities about adoption, which they have now passed on to their child.

  7. Educate others, wisely.

  When talking with people about adoption, it is worth keeping in mind two important points: (1) keep a sense of humor and perspective, and (2) take advantage of opportunities to educate.

  While adoptive parents should be their children’s advocates and defend them from harm, they also must be careful about assuming and handling insult. I remember one mom of four children of various races who talked about being in line at her local grocery store when the woman behind her said in what could have been a disapproving voice, “Are those children all yours?”

  “Yes,” she responded archly. “And they all have different fathers.” The mother and the checker then laughed and the other woman said nothing further.

  Depending on the intent of the questioner, that was either a brilliant riposte or a hurtful overreaction. If the other woman meant to be critical of adoption or of interracial families, then the mother‘s response was an effective way to shut her up (and down) without encouraging further interaction. But if the questioner’s seeming disapproval was actually just awkwardly expressed curiosity, then nothing good was accomplished. By replying in a nondefensive manner, the mother might have imparted a beneficial lesson to the other woman. As it was, the other woman’s embarrassment at this mother’s response might justify, in her mind, the feeling that interracial families are unduly defensive or that mothers in these families are likely to have multiple, short-term relationships.

  In any event, a response generating more heat than light does little to heighten people’s understanding about adoption. My favorite image is of the mother saying exactly what she did but then, after waiting a moment for her comment to sink in, adding, with a smile, that she had adopted her children. A good-natured response like that would have shown the other woman, and anyone else who was listening, that she was secure in her parental role. Most importantly, it would have shown her children that she knew how to handle intrusive comments (whether or not they were intended to be offensive) in a way that neither downplayed their importance nor let them escalate into incidents that the children would find upsetting.

  I know that most adoptive parents don’t have a lot of extra time or energy to spend on educating everyone they encounter who needs some educating about adoption. We’re generally much too busy to be able to drop everything whenever the occasion arises in order to have the sorts of meaningful conversations that the subject requires. We have to pick and choose our moments for these encounters, and we’re not always going to have the right words on the tips of our tongues. We’re also not always going to have perfect control of our emotions, and sometimes flat-out anger is both warranted and effective in getting across the message we want to send—which is sometimes as quick and unambiguous as, “Don’t mess with me or my kid.” Happily, overt public disapproval of adoption isn’t common, and people are much more likely to find themselves in situations that are hard to read rather than clearly negative.

  Adoptive parents need to keep in mind that these encounters can be used not only to educate other people but to educate and strengthen their own children and their own families as well. The parents’ behavior and actions in response to questions and comments about adoption will indicate to the child how they should feel about these situations. If the parent assumes insult and responds angrily or defensively, then the child gets a clear message that adoption is a subject that causes difficulty. If the parent assumes insult but reacts calmly (though not passively), then the child gets the message that, while the parent doesn’t like what happened, the other person’s behavior did not have the power to threaten or anger the parent in a way that was upsetting to the child. In other words, the parent retained control of the situation and of the message that their happiness and security as a family is in no way challenged by this person’s ideas.

  I don’t want to give the impression that adoptive parenthood is beset by unpleasant encounters in grocery stores. I know there are many parts of the country where attitudes about interracial families are less favorable, but, happily, my family doesn’t live in one of them, and we rarely encountered anything but approval. That doesn’t mean there weren’t opportunities to educate, though, even in situations that seemed benign. For example, one day shortly after Jocelyn’s arrival, I took all three kids into a local children’s shop. The women who worked there were always very nice and friendly and they gathered around to admire the new baby. It wasn’t long before one of them said,
“Oh, she’s such a lucky little girl.” Of course I knew there was no ill will in that statement, and the second-to-last thing I wanted to do at that moment was hurt the woman’s feelings. But the last thing I wanted to do was miss the opportunity to say something that would help her avoid repeating that sentiment in later years, when Jocelyn was old enough to understand what it meant. I also wanted to correct the impression that we, or any other adoptive parent, had done some sort of favor for our children by adopting them. And I wanted to correct that misperception in front of eight-year-old Erin and five-year-old Caitlin in a way that was more meaningful than simply saying, “Oh no, we’re the lucky ones.”

  So, much to the confusion of the women in the store, I went into a convoluted explanation about how I appreciated their intent but I wanted to let them know that it was important to me that they didn’t see adoption as something that fortunate people do for unfortunate people. I went on to say (laughing) that if you wanted to get technical about it, the “lucky” children were Erin and Caitlin, who wouldn’t exist without the assistance of their parents. Jocelyn, on the other hand, would exist and might very well have been sent to a much nicer family somewhere else.

  It wasn’t an unpleasant encounter, primarily because no one was acting upset, but I’m pretty sure it was a completely confusing encounter for those women. I don’t think they really understood what I was trying to say, partly because I wasn’t all that articulate and partly because the point is extremely subtle, but they were nice about it. To my mind, though, what was important had been accomplished; those women not only wouldn’t say anything to Jocelyn about being a lucky little girl in years to come, but they would probably also think twice about saying it to other children who had been adopted.