Star Trek - Pandora Principle

by Pandora Principle

  Saavik stole a glance at Spock-hands poised over his keypad, apparently oblivious to their exchange. She knew better. She studied McCoy dubiously, as she would some unlabeled specimen in a laboratory jar. "You are a doctor?" she inquired.

  "Yes, I'm a doctor. Dr. McCoy. And you're the patient. So come along with me, young lady!" He entered the lift and held the door. Saavik's eyes widened in consternation.

  "One moment, sir," she said, and rounded on Spock to begin a vehement conversation. Even in the ponderous syllables of Vulcan, her displeasure was evident. ". and all those doctors at the Academy, so why must I go to this one? I am not ill!"

  "One of the reasons would be obvious, Saavik, if your state of mind were clearer: we had no time to append Academy records. Dr. McCoy is our chief medical officer, and even I must submit to his orders. Do you question the wisdom of Starfleet regulations?"

  "Yes! And its choice of doctors!" she declared hotly. "Is there some other reason, Mr. Spock? You said one of the-"

  "The other reason is that I requested it. Now, go with the doctor, Saavikam. Our lessons begin at 1600, at which time you may prove the existence of the dimensional tangent in abstract and concrete terms. I shall look forward to it."

  "I also," she said grimly, approached the lift as if it were the gallows, then turned back to address the crew. "I appreciate our discussion of human beliefs," she told them. "It was," eyes narrowed at Spock, "for the most part, very informative."

  "Now don't you worry," McCoy smiled, "this won't hurt a bit."

  "Pain does not concern me, sir. And I do not worry."

  "I might've known." The lift doors closed.

  "You know," Uhura said, leaning back in her chair, "maybe that old myth got it wrong. Maybe something else was left inside the box, and we have to discover it for ourselves. What do you think, Mr. Spock? Do you suppose the gods left us logic instead?"

  Spock looked up from his viewer in deadly earnest.

  "Commander," he said, "you might be wise to hope so."

  ". uh-huh, and how about this? Does it ever bother you?"

  "No." The human's touch felt cold to Saavik as he probed the scar on her shoulder. She tried not to shiver or flinch, but the contact was disgusting. So was his outrageous disregard for the Act of Privacy: Childhood diseases? Childhood accidents? Things okay at home? After a battery of scans, unpleasant proddings, and fatuous, interminable chatter, she had been here for an hour. She wanted to put her fist through the wall.

  "Nothing bothers me, sir. Your instruments' findings are within acceptable norms, are they not?"

  "Well, let's talk about you. Have you known Spock long?"

  "Yes." She disliked talking about herself with this person.

  His tone was vaguely patronizing. He asked stupid, irrelevant questions while evading her own, sensible ones. And she was going to do something dreadful if he didn't stop saying-

  "Uh-huh. Is he a relative of yours? Or a friend of the family?"

  "No! I do not see how this concerns my health, but Mr. Spock is my teacher. Now will you tell me the results of my scans?"

  "Well, I think your health's a little more complicated than a bunch of readouts." The doctor's mouth stretched into a silly smile. "I've known Spock a long time too. I'll bet he's a real good teacher, isn't he? Knows all the answers?"

  "Of course. Or he will find them out."

  "And he always expects the very best from you, doesn't he?"

  "Certainly!"

  "And I'm sure it's important for you to. live up to what he expects, isn't it?" the doctor asked.

  Suddenly Saavik was sure she'd fallen into some trap, that any answer she might give would condemn her-or Spock. She wanted to get out of this cold, nasty room, away from this human with his clammy hands and smiling face and fuzzy mind. He made her furious.

  "Doctor, why shouldn't I always do my best? Don't you?"

  "Sure, but nobody's perfect. It can be quite a strain, always trying to do the right thing. Teachers don't always understand that. But I'm sure Spock does, even if he doesn't show it."

  "I see no reason to apologize for the pursuit of excellence! Many things are beyond my understanding, but nothing is beyond Mr. Spock's. I have no difficulties with my teacher. Unlike some individuals I have met, he always does the right thing!"

  "Oh, he does, does he?" McCoy glared, and Saavik was pleased to be the cause of it; she preferred her battles in the open. "Well, Saavik, why don't you just ask him about that time he. uh, no." he waved his hand in the air, as if that could erase his words. ". on second thought, better not." He programmed a dispenser, and it spilled tablets into a bottle. "Now I want you to take three or four of these every day, hear?"

  "Acutely. What are they?"

  "Something the doctor ordered!" McCoy snapped, then managed to recover himself. "Sort of Vulcan vitamins. Spock takes them, so they'll be good for you. And in your pursuit of excellence, young lady, you might try eating and sleeping once in a while."

  "Very well, Doctor," Saavik agreed so as not to prolong the visit. He grunted a final "Uh-huh!" and left her to dress in private. She did so hastily, ignored the noxious tablets sitting on the counter, and made such a furious exit that she collided with someone waiting in the corridor.

  "Excuse me, I-oh, good afternoon-Mr. Harper, isn't it?"

  "The name's Bobby," he said and broke into an admiring grin. "Wow, I'm sure glad to finally talk to you!"

  Saavik couldn't think why. She didn't want to talk to anyone just now. And down the corridor beyond Harper, Spock was emerging from the briefing room and heading their way. Saavik wanted to talk to him least of all. "Forgive me, I'm afraid I don't-"

  "Are you kidding? Why, you're the Photon Torpedo! Listen, I watched all your practice games back home. Talk about smoke!"

  No escape; Spock was still coming, hearing every word.

  "Talk about what, Lieutenant Harper?"

  "Oh, uh, Commander!" Harper snapped to attention. "Well, I was just saying how Cadet Saavik here-"

  "Perhaps some other time," she suggested desperately.

  "No, indeed." Spock came to a halt and folded his arms. "Do go on, Lieutenant. I shall find it fascinating. This cadet has somehow distinguished herself?"

  "Uh. yes, sir." Caught between a rock and a hard place, Harper looked an apology at Saavik, but her eyes were closed. And he couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "In baseball, sir. Cadet Saavik pitched three no-hitters-all perfect games! She just blew it by 'em, right on the money every time. Too bad about the big game, sir. The midshipmen would've lost for sure."

  "Ah. I see." Spock was now staring at Saavik intently.

  Harper blushed under his freckles, feeling suddenly superfluous. "Uh, well. guess I'd better. be going now." he edged away, then turned and fled. Saavik glared after him and simmered under Spock's stony gaze.

  "It was either that or 'the Vulcan Vector,' Mr. Spock!" she finally burst out. "And under the circumstances I thought-"

  "Very wise, I am sure."

  Saavik was not at all sure. "May I go now?"

  "Mmmm," said Spock. Saavik chose to take that for permission and marched off to the lift, head held high, and wondering if she would ever hear the end of this. A reproving murmur followed her.

  "The Photon Torpedo. really, Saavik."

  She kept right on going.

  "Come on in, Harper, be right-oh. It's you." McCoy frowned at Spock over his monitor. His voice turned cold, eyes unfriendly. "If you're here about Saavik, I'd say you're a bit late. Do you mind telling me what I was supposed to be looking for?"

  "Doctor, I believe I did: any condition that might explain her inability to recall certain events during the first ten-"

  "She was starved, Spock! That child never got enough to eat. Still has a borderline protein deficiency-and you worry about total recall? All right: no cranial damage, no evidence of brain trauma. Satisfied?" he asked acidly. "Then tell me-just what the hell do they do to little kids on Vulcan?"

  Spock
almost winced. "Doctor, what did you find?"

  "Take your pick." McCoy gestured bitterly to a series of images on his display. "She's had shattered ribs, a punctured lung, multiple fractures, internal scar tissue-and they didn't get treated at the time. Dammit, Spock! What happened to that child?"

  "I do not know." Spock had gone very still. "And neither does Saavik, which is why I asked your opinion."

  How does he do it, change expressions like that without moving a muscle in his face?" Hell, unless she got thrown off a fifty-story building and by some miracle-"

  "No."

  My God, he's damn near devastated, McCoy realized. "Didn't think so," he said more gently. "The injuries are wrong for that. Look, I can only give you my best guess. I haven't seen much of this in my time, thank God, but I'd say somebody beat that child to within an inch of her life. Now, how could that happen on-"

  "It did not happen on Vulcan, Doctor," Spock said quietly; he kept looking at the screen. "Saavik has never been there. And Vulcans do not beat their children."

  "Well, Spock, I never thought they did. But damage like this. if she can't remember how it happened, it's probably because the experience was so traumatic her mind couldn't assimilate it. If she ever does, it'll happen in its own time-her time. Don't you make it into some kind of failure if she doesn't."

  "Doctor, I assure you that I-"

  "Listen to me, Spock. Those are old wounds, they healed a long time ago. I'm concerned with what's hurting her now."

  Spock stared at him. "Saavik is. in pain?"

  "Yes! The kind she can't identify, the kind you won't admit exists. Her psychomonitor scans indicate pervasive guilt and fear-fear! Acute anxiety, displaced anger, deepseated feelings of inadequacy that account for this perfectionism in everything she does. Self-hatred is a terrible thing, Spock-and your student's suffering from it. I think I know why."

  Spock nodded. "This mission is a stressful-"

  "I'm talking about you, Spock! That child worships you! She's knocking herself out to live up to your impossible standards, which even you can't always do. You want to put yourself through hell-go ahead! I've known you too long to hope you'll ever change. But don't do it to her. She's been through enough-not that she volunteered the information. Damned uncooperative, as a matter of fact. Quoted me the Privacy Act every chance she got. These," he held out the tablets, "would fix the protein problem, but she left them here. I even told her you take them too."

  "But that is untrue, Doctor. I do not. Did you also lie to Saavik about these scans? Or withhold the information?"

  "Dammit, it was the other way around! She didn't want to give me the time of day. Truth is, Spock, we didn't exactly hit it off. And talk about withholding information-you're not telling me why her memory's so important."

  "I shall encourage Saavik to tell you herself."

  McCoy sighed and threw up his hands. "Well, unless somebody tells me something, I'm working in the dark. Look, all I meant before was. go easy on her, Spock. She's a young girl."

  "An astute observation."

  "You know what I mean! Try to encourage her, lend a hand when she stumbles, that sort of thing. That's what she needs now."

  "How little you understand her, Doctor. What Saavik needs is the truth. I insist that you provide her with it, unvarnished and complete. She recognizes anything less and invariably finds it offensive. You incurred her distrust by withholding facts she has a right to know. It is your place to tell her, and I order you to do so. Your theories are quite beside the point in this matter."

  "You're heartless, Spock-and she's paying for it. You just can't admit you might be wrong."

  "And you, Doctor, consistently fail to look beyond the value judgments of your own species. To the best of my knowledge, Saavik has never 'stumbled' in her life. She would not appreciate the suggestion. I fear your sympathy is wasted on her, and I believe you know already that it is on me. Good day, Doctor."

  "Wait one damn minute, Spock!" McCoy pointed to a readout. "Her blood chemistry says she's half Romulan. Does that have something to do with her anxiety? Does she even know?"

  In the doorway Spock turned and sighed. "Of course she knows, Doctor. And that has everything to do with it." He left McCoy shaking his head and swearing to himself.

  "That son of a. now he tells me."

  Saavik slumped at Spock's desk jabbing at the keypad and looking rebellious. Across the room he scanned a journal and ignored her scowl and muttered oath. All attempts to persuade her that swearing evinced a limited vocabulary had never produced the desired result. Saavik simply increased her vocabulary to avoid appearing limited. She did this by researching languages with which Spock was unfamiliar, logically reasoning that he could not object to what he did not understand. Her repertoire had become extensive, eclectic, and was always a storm warning. Finally Spock turned his viewer aside and beckoned the storm.

  "Disharmony of the spirit requires no translation, Saavikam. Other than the dimensional tangent, what is troubling you?"

  Her scowl darkened. "It. it is those humans!"

  "Ah."

  "They are a self-limiting species, Mr. Spock! And they know it! They are always saying so: 'I am only human' and 'What do you expect?' and 'Nobody is perfect'-but how can they ever improve if they think that way? They expect so little of themselves-just listen to their words. When Vulcans wish one another 'Live long and prosper'-the humans say 'Have a nice day!'"

  "And why does this make you angry, Saavikam?"

  "Because. because things are so easy for them. They laugh and cry, and they get angry-and then they excuse themselves for doing exactly as they please. And they think all their troubles came in a box from some gods, who were every bit as hateful as the Romulans. And they think that hope will fix their world. Well, I think they are very silly. some of them. sometimes."

  "And I think," said Spock gently, "that perhaps you have found exceptions to your indictment of the species as a whole. Perhaps you wish them to think well of you. And perhaps you wish that for yourself things could sometimes be so. easy."

  Saavik glared at him long and hard, trying to think of a way to refute that. She paced the room and glared some more. Finally she came to stand looking down at him. "But I don't want to be like them, Mr. Spock. I want to be a Vulcan, and. it isn't those humans who trouble me. It is myself. I try and try to remember, but I can't! I don't know what I did, and we'll be there soon, and I." She threw herself into the chair beside him. "I want to be a real Vulcan, but I get so angry. And sometimes-most times, I don't even know why."

  "I believe that you have a great deal to be angry about. I do not dispute your right to the emotion, only its usefulness to you. For example, you were angry with the doctor today, were you not?"

  "That doctor appeared quite irrational to me!"

  "Mmmm."

  "And he wouldn't tell me anything!"

  "And I suspect that you told him even less than he told you. That is, of course, your right as well. But you wish to recover your memory, and he does possess medical knowledge. I am somewhat surprised that you left the possibility unexplored. But then when one is angry, one does not see all the possibilities."

  Saavik digested that in scowling silence; Spock let it ride. She curled up in her chair, and it was a long time before she spoke.

  "I dream another dream," she said softly, "but only when I am awake. Does that make it an imagining?"

  "I cannot say, Saavikam, until I know the dream."

  "It happens. on a ship, when we're going very fast and the stars come rushing at us. I watch them very hard. And it seems to me that there's. a place where all those stars are coming from, and that I am going toward it and being there, all at the same time. I can't see what it looks like, but I know how it will be. There's no anger there, Mr. Spock. Only stars. And I know them. I belong. If only I could get there, I would know everything in that place, and what it all means, and even my own reason for being born. And I would be everything I want to be. My pl
ace is very beautiful, but. if I look away, even for a second, it's gone. And then I know it isn't really there. I think I make it up, Mr. Spock," she said sadly, "because I want it to be true. And I would like to ask a question. Could I learn to be a Vulcan and still keep my imagining-just this one? Even when I know it isn't real?"

  "It is real." Spock's voice was almost inaudible. "You are many things, Saavikam, but never doubt that you are also Vulcan. That. place. you speak of is not in the stars; it is in you. In me. In all of us. And you must keep it, always. You experienced a glimpse, a brief awareness, which is not uncommon. There is much, much more. The fusion of intellect and spirit, the peace of pure logic, is a state of mind we call the Time of Truth. Kolinahr."