Waiting for Patrick

by Brynn Stein

  “It’s not only loneliness.”

  “What else could it be? You don’t even know me,” Elliot says tenderly, and Ben pushes into his touch.

  “I know you.” Ben brushes Elliot’s hair out of his face. “Better than you think.” He leans forward to kiss him again.

  Elliot leans into the kiss, and then, when they break apart, he touches his forehead to Ben’s. “I do feel as if I’ve known you my whole life.”

  “Then be with me, not Darrell.” Ben talks without moving his forehead.

  Elliot chuckles and kisses the tip of Ben’s nose. “You know his name’s not really Darrell, right?”

  Ben tries to smile, probably trying to lighten the mood, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I know.”

  “Ben.” Elliot becomes serious again and strokes Ben’s cheek. “Can’t I be with you both? Cuddling in dreams really isn’t gonna cut it for me.”

  Ben pulls away a little. “We can do more than cuddle.” He cups Elliot’s cheek. “I want to do more than cuddle.”

  “Even still”—Elliot continues to pet Ben’s face—“anything we do will only be a dream to me.” When Ben bristles and starts to pull away, Elliot hooks a finger under his chin; their gazes meet. “A beautiful dream, Ben. But I need more.”

  Ben looks at Elliot a long time, then finally nods dejectedly, like he had given up something monumental. “Okay,” he says, so softly Elliot can barely hear him, but then he looks up through his lashes. “Does it have to be here? I know it’s your house now, but there’s really no way for me not to watch. I’m aware of everything that happens in the house, even if I’m not consciously in that room, but especially anything that happens in the bedroom. Because I died here, I guess. No matter how much I will myself to be elsewhere, I know exactly what goes on here, every second, in intimate detail.” He looks away again.

  Elliot moves even closer to Ben and enfolds him into strong arms. “Oh, Ben.” Elliot hugs him as tightly as he can, to let him know Elliot will never let him go. He’s surprised at how strongly he feels that way. He’s never told, or even implied to anyone before, that he would always be there. But he does feel that way with Ben. “I didn’t know that. I wouldn’t have continued if I’d known that, Ben. I swear.” They pull apart a little, just enough to make eye contact again. “I thought you could go somewhere else in the house.” Elliot runs his hands through that gorgeous blond hair again. “I’m not sure when it started feeling so normal to have you around, but I’ve been sort of treating you like any other roommate.”

  Elliot leans in to kiss him again. This feels so good, so natural. Somehow Elliot fits with Ben in a way he’s never fit with anyone else. Not even Daniel. He feels equal parts bliss and fear. Elliot doesn’t do relationships. He doesn’t fall in love. But he instinctively knows he could do just that with Ben. He might have already started.

  “Ben.” Elliot looks him in the eye and caresses his face, but he’s no longer sure of what he wanted to say. He doesn’t know how to put what he’s feeling into words. So he settles for merely standing there, petting Ben’s face and neck and hair. “Ben.”

  ELLIOT TRIED to keep the morning routine the same, but it felt awkward. He wasn’t even sure last night actually happened. It could have easily been a regular dream. But he couldn’t make himself believe that. He loaded the coffeemaker and stabbed the button, then got a bowl down from the cabinet, grabbed the cereal sitting on the counter, and went to the refrigerator to get the milk.

  “Ben?” He couldn’t abide the uncertainty any longer. He wasn’t sure what made him look at the ceiling when he spoke to Ben outside the dreams, but he did, at least until Ben started typing or moving things. “Was last night real?”

  The keys moved almost immediately.

  Yes

  Elliot wasn’t sure what to do with that information, so it didn’t truly advance the conversation or relieve the tension. He poured the cereal into the bowl, added a generous amount of milk, and grabbed a spoon from the drawer. By then the coffee was ready, so he poured a cup and sat down at his usual place at the table. He decided to simply be honest. “I’m not sure what to say this morning… how to act.”

  He thought he felt a touch on his hand, then the keys moved.

  Just talk

  Elliot smiled and shoved a spoonful of cereal into his mouth, not even waiting to swallow before he said, “Okay. I can do that.” Belying his words, he ate in silence for a long while. Even the keys stayed still, but Ben was in the room, and Elliot enjoyed simply having him there, once again relishing that easygoing camaraderie that they’d always shared.

  Eventually he found himself talking about the repairs he wanted to make that day. “So, I thought I’d repair the molding in the living room. I’m going to keep it true to the period. I love the detail.” He gulped down the rest of his rapidly cooling coffee.

  U always di flashed up on the screen, but quickly started disappearing. Ben was erasing it.

  Then he started over.

  U have been keeping the feel of the time period very well

  Ben answered laboriously, but he was getting faster on the keyboard all the time.

  I like that

  Elliot smiled and grabbed his empty cup and the bowl of leftover milk and shuffled to the sink. “I’m glad. I know you said it’s not your house, but I want you to like it.”

  :-)

  Elliot didn’t see Ben’s response until he got back to the table, and he decided he was quite glad about that. He would have dropped the dishes for sure. “Really? Where did you learn to make that?”

  told u I c everything

  Elliot continued laughing and liked to believe that Ben was right beside him, laughing with him.

  ELLIOT MET Daniel for lunch two days after that, and the conversation worked its way around to sex, as it usually did with them.

  “I think we better get together at your place from now on.” Elliot took a sip of soda.

  “I’m up for either place. But why?” Daniel bit off a huge portion of his tuna sandwich.

  “Um….” Elliot wasn’t quite sure how to say this. He ran his fingertip absently around the rim of his glass. “Ben sort of… um… watches us when we’re at my house.”

  Daniel practically choked on the sandwich but then adopted an expression of victorious glee. “See, I told you I could feel him watching.”

  “Well, it wasn’t like he meant to,” Elliot defended Ben as he continued caressing the glassware. “He can’t help it.”

  “Why can’t he help it?” Daniel stuffed another bite into his mouth.

  Since Daniel was almost finished his sandwich, Elliot decided he better actually eat something to catch up. “He sees everything in the house.” Elliot sipped a spoonful of his tomato soup. “Whether he wants to or not.”

  Daniel took a drink of his sweet tea. “That would be frustrating.”

  Elliot nodded his agreement. “So, I think we better meet at your house for….”

  “Sex?” Daniel pronounced in a raised voice, causing some of the other patrons in the diner to turn and look at him. One elderly lady gave them a particularly disgusted glance, but Daniel just smiled sweetly at her, and she hurriedly looked back to her salad.

  If Daniel’s intention had been to get an embarrassed reaction from Elliot, Elliot didn’t disappoint. He was red to the tips of his ears. Daniel looked triumphant as he sank back into the booth and tried not to laugh… too loudly.

  THEY MADE arrangements to get together that night. Elliot still had some things at the house he wanted to get finished. He had been painting a room when Daniel came to get him for lunch, and he wanted to complete that. It would probably need a second coat, but Elliot could at least get an even primer coat on it before going back to Daniel’s house.

  Elliot mentioned to Ben that he’d be spending the night with Daniel, and Ben spent the rest of the day pouting, if his lack of interaction was anything to go by. Elliot finished his painting, cleaned up the brushes, and set the supplies
in the room where he wanted to do the primer coat the next day.

  Elliot left at 6:00 p.m., picked up some Chinese food that Daniel had called in, and arrived at Daniel’s place by seven. They lounged in the tiny living room, watching movies from Netflix on Daniel’s wide-screen TV. The only place to sit was an old-but-comfortable sofa, so they ended up there with their feet propped on the coffee table. They actually watched an entire movie and part of another before things turned amorous. Even so, it was leisurely more than passionate, and by mutual agreement they turned off the TV and headed sedately back to the bedroom.

  Now that Elliot knew Daniel was an artist, some of the sights he’d seen the last time he visited made more sense. Most of the original artwork in Daniel’s living room had been painted by Daniel himself. The spare room was Daniel’s art room. He had an easel set up near a row of bookshelves that held a myriad of artist’s supplies. Tubes of oil paints stood in a plastic bucket on the top shelf. There were several tall cylindrical containers. The drop cloth under the easel reminisced of many paintings in the past. The room was organized and yet chaotic at the same time, and Elliot thought it perfectly represented the man he was coming to know as well as any of his handful of friends.

  “DO YOU have to stay the night with him?” Ben complains as soon as Elliot starts dreaming the next night. “I can’t even talk to you when you’re not here.”

  “I know that, Ben.” Elliot gathers him into his arms. “But I’ve told you I need more than I can get in dreams.” He holds him close and kisses his hair. “I’m trying to spare you having to see us.” Ben wriggles in even closer to Elliot. “It would be weird anyway.” Elliot strokes Ben’s back as he holds him. “Having dreams of a somewhat sexual nature while in another man’s bed.”

  “It’s the ‘other man’s bed’ part I have trouble with.” Ben is practically whining.

  “Ben, I get it. You’re lonely. We connect.” Elliot pushes him back a little so he can look into his eyes, and he says it as gently as possible. “I can’t be in a monogamous relationship with a ghost, no matter how much I like you.”

  “Why not?” Ben whimpers back.

  “I wouldn’t be able to stay asleep long enough to give you all the reasons, Ben.” Elliot pulls Ben close again. “And I don’t think there even are therapists to cover that kind of insanity, let alone the fact that it would cut into my spending money to pay for the intensive therapy needed if it was available.”

  Ben starts protesting into Elliot’s chest, “But—”

  “No buts, Ben. I can’t just give up the full-time friends-with-benefits situation I have going with Daniel. I like him. And the sex is really good.” Elliot winces as he realizes he was being insensitive and that statement probably hurt Ben. “I consider you a friend too, Ben. Probably my best friend.” He shakes his head but continues to stroke Ben’s back and arms. “Not that I would ever tell Sheri that.” He hooks a finger under Ben’s chin and pulls his face up to meet his own, kissing him gently. “I think of you as more than a friend, actually.” Stroking Ben’s cheek, Elliot says the one sentence he’s sure Ben doesn’t want to hear. “But I’m not giving up sex with Daniel for you.”

  Ben nods gravely and places his head back on Elliot’s chest, not pulling away completely, but kissing is obviously off the table. At least for now.

  Elliot accepts what Ben is willing to give but mumbles into his hair, “This is why I don’t do relationships.”

  ELLIOT WOKE up the next morning completely winded, with a pounding heart.

  “Great,” he managed after his breathing and heartbeat were finally under control again. “Perfect start to the morning.”

  He thoroughly expected it to go downhill from there. He was sure Ben wouldn’t talk to him and he’d have to do all the projects by himself. Surprisingly, though, Ben didn’t seem mad. At least, he didn’t act mad. Elliot was pretty sure Ben was probably still upset and knew that he still didn’t like the arrangement Elliot had with Daniel. But Elliot was glad Ben wasn’t letting the situation get in the way of their friendship.

  Chapter 6

  THE NEXT several weeks went on the same. Elliot often woke up wheezing and got tired very easily. His heart sometimes felt like it was pounding out of his chest.

  He went to his regular doctor’s appointments and told him what was going on. The doctor changed his meds a couple of times and talked with him about the possibility of a pacemaker at some point. Elliot hated it all, but he was dealing. Even better now that he and Ben were getting so close.

  Elliot and Ben started the day together, man and laptop. All the time, Ben was getting better at typing. He even used punctuation occasionally, and sometimes capital letters where they should be. Elliot wasn’t one to stand on formality when it came to typed messages from the dead, but he figured it meant that Ben now found it easier to manipulate solid objects. Maybe it took less energy the more he practiced. Elliot wasn’t sure how Ben’s newfound ease of moving things would affect Ben’s reaction to Daniel if he came over. Daniel thought Ben had thrown things with enough force before.

  During the day, Ben helped Elliot more with the projects around the house, and the two ended their evenings talking freely in Elliot’s dreams. They were getting closer physically in those dreams but hadn’t gotten past the kissing-and-cuddling stage. Elliot still had a problem with having nightly wet dreams like a teenaged boy, but the closeness with Ben felt good.

  In dreams they got to know each other more easily than they could during the day. It didn’t take as much of Ben’s energy to appear there. They had a lot in common. Ben was surprisingly up-to-date for someone who died in the 1860s. Being aware of everything going on in the house over the years had its advantages. Ben had read every book, seen every movie, played every video game that anyone in the house had experienced over the last century and a half. He was a wealth of knowledge, and they’d fallen into a game where Elliot tried to stump Ben with some obscure piece of information. It was fun, but Ben’s vast store of data also allowed them to talk about practically anything, and Elliot thoroughly enjoyed his time with Ben.

  ELLIOT WAKES up to kisses being planted all over his body.

  “Ben?”

  Ben looks up from the vicinity of Elliot’s groin and smiles. “Who else would it be in your dreams?”

  Who else indeed. Elliot has all but stopped having normal dreams, and he never dreams of having sex with anyone else. He doesn’t know if Ben can actually control that or if it’s a side effect of spending so much of his REM cycle with Ben. Either way, Ben is right. It wouldn’t be anyone else kissing him like that.

  “A hundred and fifty some years and you’ve never heard of a rhetorical question?” Elliot pets Ben’s head and shoulders, then arms and back, as Ben crawls up Elliot’s body.

  Ben effectively shuts Elliot up by capturing his mouth with his own. Ben’s lying completely on top of him, something he’s never done before in the dreams and Elliot’s never allowed anyone to do outside of them. But it feels wonderful having Ben there. Elliot can feel Ben’s weight and his erection rubbing against his own.

  “God, Ben. That feels so good.”

  “I want to give you more. I want to show you what we could have together,” Ben whispers as he nibbles on Elliot’s neck.

  In this moment, Elliot wants nothing else. “Show me.”

  Ben slides his hands up Elliot’s sides and cups either side of his face, nuzzling at his neck, his cheekbones, his jawline. Then he captures Elliot’s mouth again, and Ben’s hands seem to be everywhere. Elliot spares a thought to wonder if Ben’s using the dream state to do physically impossible things or if it just feels so good that it seems like it.

  Ben’s ubiquitous hands rub Elliot’s nipples into hard nubs, trailing down his lightly furred chest, following the trail to parts usually covered with sleep pants. Elliot suddenly realizes the pants are gone. There are definite advantages to sex in dreams. Clothing can simply disappear when they’re in the way. No awkward struggles to get
it off.

  Ben is naked now too.

  Elliot has never seen him naked before. Not in all the dreams he’s had of the two of them fooling around. Elliot rolls Ben over onto his side and pushes him away just slightly so Elliot can enjoy the view a little better.

  “You’re gorgeous,” Elliot says almost breathlessly, kissing Ben senseless for long minutes. When they wind down naturally, Elliot holds Ben close and asks something he’d been wondering for a while. “Is that what your body really looked like or are you projecting what I want to see?”

  Ben looks up into Elliot’s eyes. “Do looks matter that much?”

  Elliot smiles and kisses Ben’s forehead. “No. Not really. I was just wondering. It’s not like I’ve ever seen you in person. Just in the dreams you gave me of your memories, but I guess you could have changed your appearance there too, if you wanted to. You obviously can manipulate what you’re wearing.”

  “If I wear anything,” Ben teases and gives Elliot’s lips a little peck of a kiss.

  Elliot smiles at that as he kisses Ben’s nose in response.

  “But to answer your question”—Ben is still looking into Elliot’s eyes, emotion there that Elliot doesn’t want to analyze at the moment—“everything is a projection. Spirits don’t have a physical form. For instance, if I had been reincarnated instead of just waiting here all this time, I’d look completely different. Regardless of what all those Hollywood movies would have you believe.” He grins even wider and shifts into a more comfortable position in Elliot’s arms, never breaking his gaze. “But this is pretty close to what I looked like when I was alive. If I remember correctly. It’s been a while since I actually saw myself.”

  That explanation is perfectly logical. At least it’s logical here, within the dream. Elliot has no idea if he’ll still think it’s logical when he wakes up.