Lorraine Heath

by Sweet Lullaby

  They had arrived just as Frank and Lee were hauling Jake off a horse. Rebecca had felt her stomach lurch at the sight of his swollen, bloodied body. No one had acted surprised to see her, no one had questioned the orders she had barked out. She had handed her son over to Arlene. She had sent every man out riding the fences with orders to bring any fence-cutters to her. She would have ridden out herself, but she didn’t want to spend time in prison after just coming back to Jake. And she knew she would go to prison, because if she so much as caught sight of Ethan Truscott she would kill the man. She’d prefer a slow death for him, but she’d make it a quick one if he wouldn’t oblige her.

  Since her return, she had been battling Jake’s fever, the worst moments coming when his fever was the highest. He had rolled to his side, curling up into a ball, holding his stomach, saying how bad it hurt. He said things in his fever that tore at Rebecca’s heart. The pain causing his anguish was not the result of the barbs that had been embedded in his flesh, but the wounds she had inflicted carelessly to his heart. For the first time since leaving Montana, she realized there was a good chance he would just as soon see her in Hell as see her in his house again.

  The sweat poured profusely from Jake’s fevered skin, the chills traveling throughout his body as Rebecca alternately bathed him and wrapped him in warm blankets, hoping his fever would break by morning. Her back ached from the bent-over position she had maintained for much of her vigil, her hands were raw from trying to soothe his fevered flesh, from dipping constantly into cool water that quickly turned warm.

  She touched his cheek and felt the absence of heat. Finally, the heat was gone. She sponged him down and changed the bedding.

  Sitting in a hard chair beside the bed, she rested her cheek on his upturned palm. For the first time since she’d arrived, she felt if she slept, when she woke up, he wouldn’t be gone.

  The slight movement of fingers beneath her cheek caused her to wake up. She opened her eyes to find deep brown hesitantly searching hers.

  “Thought I was dreaming,” he croaked, each word an effort so sapped was his strength.

  “Wish it had been a dream, but it was a nightmare. You’ve been very sick. It’s been five days since Frank and Lee found you. Frank thinks you were out there for at least two days.”

  “Frank shouldn’t have sent for you.”

  “He didn’t. I came back on my own. Decided Montana wasn’t where I belonged.”

  She touched his cheek, and he flinched as though he had been burned. “We’ll talk about it when you’re stronger. Right now, you need to rest. You have a lot of healing to do.”

  Rebecca longed to crawl into bed beside him, to feel his arms around her, to know he still loved her, but she had seen the look in his eyes when she’d touched him. His heart needed healing as much as his body, and she was no longer certain she knew how to care for his heart.

  Gazing out the open window, feeling the warm breeze caress his skin, Jake wondered why Rebecca had returned. She had been sitting by his side every time he had awakened. He remembered her voice crooning to him, her touch on his fevered brow.

  He had ignored her, feigned sleep and fatigue to avoid discussing why she had returned, mostly because he wasn’t sure he wanted to know, but more because he couldn’t let her stay if she didn’t love him. To lose her again would kill him.

  Carrying in a plate heaped with food, she gave him a hesitant smile.

  “Are you feeling up to eating some breakfast?” she asked.

  He nodded and she brought him the plate, plumped up his pillows, and sat down in the chair beside the bed. “How are you feeling this morning?” she asked. “Sore.”

  “I imagine that’s an understatement.”

  She stared out the window while he ate, wondering where to begin, how to tell him what she felt, wondering if now was the time to broach the subject of her return. She glanced over at him. As though reading her thoughts, Jake held out the plate. “I’m tired right now.”

  She took the plate, and he rolled over presenting her with his back.

  “I’ll leave you be, then,” she said softly as she quietly got up and left the house.

  Rebecca returned to Frank’s house after leaving orders with Lee to take a plate in to Jake at lunch and dinner. She had been ignoring her son since they had returned, although he failed to notice now that he had his friend Sean to make him laugh. She took a hot bath and washed her hair. She was too tired to deal with Jake. What she needed was a good night’s sleep. And what he needed was some time without her.

  She spent the night stretched out in Frank’s loft with Jacob curled up in a ball nestled beside her. She had been foolish to think she could come back and have Jake welcome her with open arms. She could see so clearly now the last time they had sat together on the hill. Why had she thought he’d said “When the man who loves you has come for you.” And when did she realize he’d said “the man you love.” Had she given so little to him? Yes, she had to admit to herself that she had.

  The following morning, Jacob clambered into his wagon and Rebecca pulled him in front of Frank’s house. Sean soon replaced her, and she sat watching the smile stretching across her son’s face. And she began to wonder where she would go if she didn’t stay here.

  As afternoon approached, she knew she could stay away from Jake no longer. She needed to talk with him, even if the conversation was only one-sided. She walked into the house and stopped. Jake was tucking his shirt into his pants.

  “What are you doing?” she asked.

  “Gotta take a look at the ranch.” Before she had stepped through the door, his plan had been to go search for her and make certain she was all right. But now that he saw her, he didn’t want her to know he was concerned about her. Instead, he wanted her to think it was his ranch that concerned him. Picking up his hat, he moved past her.

  She grabbed his arm and he winced. “I’m sorry,” she said, pulling her hand back. “I don’t think you should be going out.”

  “I have a ranch to run.”

  “Jake, sometime we need to talk. Maybe it’ll be easier for you if you know that while I was with Brett, I never … he and I never made love. I honored the vows I made with you. I remained faithful.”

  “I didn’t.” Bringing his hat down low over his brow, he walked out of the house.

  Rebecca’s legs went weak, her breathing becoming labored. What had ever made her think he wouldn’t find another woman? A woman who was not blind to everything Jake had to offer. God, but she felt the fool. She pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes.

  Then, without realizing why, she walked outside and headed towards a small area of land that was shaded by several large oak trees, a white picket fence enclosing the space that served as a memorial to one. She read the words carved on the headstone and then knelt down beside the grave.

  “Oh, Zach,” she whispered. “You wanted to be his brother so badly, and in the end he called you ‘brother.’ What in God’s name can I do to make him want to call me ‘wife’?”

  Sitting under the lingering shade of the oak tree overlooking the still pond, its blue water resembling a mirror as it reflected the early evening clouds, Jake wondered what in the hell had possessed him to say what he had to Reb. He had wanted to hurt her as badly as she had hurt him. And he had succeeded. Flinching inwardly, he remembered the pain that had deepened the blue hue of her eyes and, just like the fight he had with Ethan all those many years ago, he had found no satisfaction in his action or its result. If he could, he would take back every word spoken that afternoon.

  His eyes scanned the slight incline and he saw the sight his heart ached to see. Rebecca was cantering toward him. She dismounted and slowly walked through the coarse grasses until she stood even with him.

  Dropping down, Rebecca too stared out at the little pond, gathering courage for the question she wasn’t sure she wanted answered. She had sacrificed the right to let the answer matter when she had left with Brett. She was beginning to fee
l that she had sacrificed everything for a haunting dream. She turned to study the rugged profile that man and nature had carved without care. “Do you love her, then?”

  Jake’s eyes narrowed as he continued to watch the inactive pond. “No. I had to … I paid her.”

  Rebecca returned her attention to the pond, relief washing over her like a soft summer rain, his answer filling her with undeserved hope. She lifted her eyes to the autumn sunset, thinking back on so many others she had watched with the man who was sitting by her now. She felt as though the brilliant hues streaking across the azure sky were a reflection of her feelings for Jake, and she wondered how she could tell him what was in her heart. How had he ever found the courage to tell her? It should be the simplest thing in the world, but she didn’t want to just blurt her feelings out, not after all this time.

  Jake studied the landscape, a little voice inside his head telling him to just accept the fact she’d returned to him and to try to rebuild the life Brett’s arrival had shattered. But a little voice inside his heart had to know the truth.

  He turned his steady gaze towards her and asked in a soft tone, “Why did you come back? What happened in Montana?”

  Slowly she turned her attention away from the horizon, her eyes reflecting an emotion that had never been directed his way, a warm smile gracing her countenance.

  “Actually, it’s not what happened in Montana that made me come back. It’s what happened here.” Reaching up, she brushed the hair from his brow, her eyes delving into his. “I fell in love with you.”

  Jake hadn’t expected those words, and though they were spoken quietly, they hit him with the force of an iron ball being blasted from a cannon.

  “I thought you loved Brett.”

  “So did I,” she said. “But when you walked out of that hotel, I felt an ache in my heart that I didn’t understand. The man I loved was waiting for me at the top of those stairs. All I had to do was go to him to find all the love and happiness I ever wanted. I couldn’t understand why those stairs were so damn hard to climb.

  “The ache grew when we left Texas. In Montana, I thought it would consume me. I kept thinking the ache would go away once our divorce was final, once Brett and I got married. Then I got the divorce papers. It was the saddest day of my life. I thought my heart was going to die, and that’s the moment when I knew. The man I loved hadn’t been waiting at the top of the stairs; he had walked out the front door of that hotel.”

  Jake had studied her intently while she spoke, and he wasn’t quite able to believe what she was saying. How could she choose him with all his imperfections over Brett Meier who was flawless?

  “I love you, Jake, with all my heart I do.” She took his hand, one of the few places she could touch him without hurting him. “If Brett hadn’t left, if I’d married him, I’m sure I would have spent my life content. But he did leave, and I married you. After being your wife for a year, how could I ever settle for less?” She pressed his palm to her cheek and then to her lips. “And marriage to anyone else would be less. I know I hurt you badly, and I don’t deserve your forgiveness or your willingness to take me back, but if you’ll do either, I promise I’ll do everything within my power to make sure you never regret it.”

  She watched the emotions cross his features as he waged a silent war within himself, and the one emotion she longed for was losing out to fear and pain.

  “I hurt you so awfully much,” she whispered, “more than Ethan ever did. I’ll do anything to take the pain out of your eyes. Just tell me … tell me what I can do?”

  He closed his eyes, his head slowly moving from side to side. She released her hold on his hand, and he brought it in close to his body, pressing the tight ball of his fist into the center of his stomach. Rebecca felt the world she wanted slipping away. She had hurt him once. She wouldn’t do it again.

  “I can’t blame you for not wanting me now. I’m sorry if I’ve caused you any further grief by coming back. I’ll leave tomorrow.”

  She wasn’t certain her legs would be able to sustain the heavy weight of her heart as she clumsily brought herself to her feet. His hand unfurled and sought hers with the speed of lightning streaking across a tempestuous sky. His fingers squeezed her hand, and she looked down into the velvet brown eyes she loved.

  “I don’t want you to go,” he said hoarsely, and she dropped back down to her knees.

  “But you’re not certain you want me to stay?”

  Imprisoning her face between his hands, his brown eyes bored into hers of blue. “I don’t know. I know I should be grateful as hell that you’re back. I let you go because I didn’t want you spending the rest of your life looking towards Montana wondering what might have been. I wanted you here, Reb, looking at me. When you looked at me, when you touched me, when you gave me a smile … Lord, I had everything I ever wanted.” He dropped his head down, closing his eyes and releasing a sigh. “I don’t know if it can be the same now, Reb.”

  She placed her palm against his cheek. “It won’t be the same, Jake. But that doesn’t mean it won’t be better.” She tilted his head up until he was looking at her. “We could give it a try, even if only for a little while, a few weeks, a couple of months, whatever you’re comfortable with. And if at the end of that time you’re still not sure, I’ll leave.”

  “That doesn’t seem fair to you. Not to commit myself to you.”

  “I’ll accept life with you on any terms, Jake.” “What about the divorce?”

  She smiled at him. “The divorce is null and void since it was based on a bold-faced lie.”

  The corner of Jake’s mouth turned up. “First time in my life I ever told a lie. But I’d do anything to see that you’re happy.”

  “Then give me a chance to prove to you that you can trust me and that I can make you as happy as you make me.”

  “Did you bring Jacob back with you?”

  Her eyes softened. “Yes. I left him with Arlene because I was afraid it might upset him to see you when you were so ill … and then I wasn’t sure we’d be staying long, so I didn’t want to get his hopes up.”

  “Do you think he remembers me?”

  “You’re a hard man to forget, Jake Burnett.”

  Tentatively, almost afraid that if he touched her she’d disappear, he pressed his lips to hers, his tongue sweeping the familiar caverns, hot and moist, her tongue eagerly greeting his. Pulling back, his velvet brown eyes delved into deep blue. “Then let’s go get him and go home.”

  Jacob clutched the side of the sofa, his blue eyes warily studying the opening at the front of the house. The door, several feet away from him, was ajar. Outside, the dimming sunlight beckoned to him. He glanced towards Arlene as she worked at the table, pounding the bread dough. Then he glanced back towards the door. He released his hold on the sofa and swayed as his equilibrium faltered, forcing him once again to hold the side of the sofa.

  A shadow passed before the opening, and his mother stepped inside the house. Jacob smiled up at her. Then another shadow crossed before him, and his eyes traveled ever upward, his tiny heart beginning to beat furiously in his chest. He caught sight of the man’s face. Squealing, he released his tenuous hold on the sofa, teetering towards the tall figure. He took three steps before gravity came to claim him and drag him down, but the man beat gravity at its game. His large hands lifted Jacob into the air. Jacob wrapped his small arms around the man’s neck, snuggling his nose against the man’s throat. At last, they had come home.

  Rocking slowly, Jake held Jacob curled up on his lap. The boy snored softly, his tiny hands balled up around Jake’s shirt as though he were afraid Jake might leave him, or worse, he would be taken away again. Her feet curled under her, Rebecca sat on the bed, brushing out her hair. Jake watched as she parted it and began to braid it.

  “Will you leave it loose?” he asked.

  She looked up from her lap and smiled at him, releasing her hair and pulling the brush through it once again to erase the parts she had created.


  “I don’t want you riding out alone.”

  Stilling the brush, she lifted her eyes to her husband.

  “Just until I’ve settled things with Ethan.”

  “Do you know where he is?”

  “No, but I intend to start searching for him.”

  “Maybe he’ll leave you alone now. What more can he do?”

  “He wants this land. I don’t want to have to worry about you or Jacob. I’m going to organize the men tomorrow, maybe hire a few extra until I find Ethan. Just until then, stay close to the house.”

  Jacob shifted his body. Jake pulled the boy closer, turning his attention from his wife to the sleeping child. Never in his life had he felt such love directed his way. He had been overcome with emotion standing in Frank’s house feeling Jacob nestling against him, so glad to see him. Jake closed his eyes, listening to his son’s soft breathing. His son. If there had been any doubt in his heart before, Jacob’s reaction to seeing him this evening had chased it all away.

  His body jerked as he felt Jacob being taken from him. He opened his eyes, trying to remember where he was. It had been a long time since he had been in his house in the evening. He usually didn’t stomp in until the late hours, when he was so tired he could do no more than fall down on the bed and let sleep overtake him.

  “You fell asleep,” Rebecca said softly. “Just move to the bed and I’ll undress you after I’ve put Jacob down.”

  She laid Jacob on a thick pallet on the floor. Even if Maura hadn’t had the cradle, Jacob had grown too much to use it since they’d left. They’d have to get a real bed and a room for him soon. She covered her son and moved back to the bed where she helped Jake undress. Then she tucked the covers around him before moving through the solitary room that was their home, lowering the flames in the lanterns. Not for one minute did she miss the many rooms she had aimlessly walked through for months.