What The Heart Wants

by Gadziala, Jessica

  He fell into bed a few moments later, unable to find sleep as he tried to talk himself out of being attracted to her. She didn’t need him complicating her life. She needed a friend, not a lover. And he was just going to have to put his personal feelings aside so he could be there for her in a platonic way.

  Though how he was going to manage that completely escaped him.

  Five

  Days and weeks passed quickly, a blur of merciless hard work and falling into bed in utter exhaustion. She got up before the sun even fully lit the sky, getting down in the dirt and pulling weeds before the heat started in by late morning. Summer was quickly approaching and she was dreading doing those tasks in the sweltering temperatures.

  Her body had fought her every step of the way, feeling aches and pains in areas she never realized she hadn’t used before. Her arms got stronger, muscles hinting under the skin. She had finally went through Mam’s dresser and closets and found a massive amount of clothing in hard, sturdy fabric meant to withstand all of the kneeling and bending and dirt. And it seemed like Mam had been a very slight woman, much like her. Viv had always been a tall, curvy woman and they had never been able to share clothes.

  Anna looked down at her green khaki pants and rubber shoes with a feeling of satisfaction. She looked like a farmer. And she was getting used to the hard work and long days. And the satisfaction of tiny little green plants poking up out of the dirt at her.

  She looked out on her property. The green rolled on and on further than he eyes could see. Then she looked back at the house, the small little square she was learning to consider home. Though lately the walls felt like they were closing in. She would sit to eat dinner in silence, Sylvester dancing around her ankles and Phillip climbing around the outside of his cage, squawking at the cat from his safe position.

  There was no one to talk to. There was no one to share her ups and down with. There was only quiet and solitude. It was enough to have her feeling more than a little stir crazy.

  She went inside to bathe and pulled on a pair of her own jeans and a flowing white peasant shirt and decided to head into town for dinner. She knew she shouldn’t spend the money but she decided her sanity was worth a little splurge.

  It was a gorgeous Saturday afternoon and the town was busy. Anna parked her car further down by the inn so she could walk up, catching bits and pieces of conversation as she passed.

  She reached for the handle at the same time as somebody else and felt a bolt of electricity race up her arm as her hand landed on someone else’s. She glanced up quickly, somehow expecting to see Sam’s warm brown eyes. But she found those deep gray ones of Eric instead.

  “Aw baby,” he grinned, making an indentation appear down his left cheek. A deep scar maybe… she wondered, admitting that it made his already shockingly attractive face seem almost dangerous. “If you wanted to hold my hand, all you had to do was ask.” He reached out, grabbing her hand and held it firmly in his as he went into the diner and she was helpless but to follow.

  He led her over to a table in a back corner as she realized with embarrassment that every set of eyes in the restaurant was looking at them. He finally let her go when she slid into her seat and he slid in across from her. She quickly put her hands on her lap under the table, out of reach.

  She looked up to find him nonchalantly looking over his menu as if nothing at all unusual had just happened.

  “Hey look… I was just going to like… get something to go,” she lied.

  Eric looked up over his menu at her, his one eyebrow raised and a hint of a smile playing at the corner of his lips. “Come on. You’ve been spending every moment on that farm of yours. You need a night out. You don’t want to become one of those creepy shut-ins do you? You could trip and crack your pretty head open and no one would even know. I’ve seen that cat of yours,” he said with a wicked smile. “it could devour your body whole you know.”

  Annabelle laughed in spite of herself. She always liked morbid humor. “Leave Sylvester alone. We are working on a diet.”

  “Sylvester huh? I’ve got some bad news for you baby,” Eric said, suppressing a smile. “that cat is female.”

  Anna felt her eyes go wide and Eric finally laughed. It was a deep and sensual sound she found entirely too appealing. “No wonder he… she is always giving me that kitty death stare,” she giggled.

  “So what is that sophisticated palate of yours in the mood for tonight?” Eric asked, making her laugh again.

  “I am thinking split pea soup with grilled cheese. And onion rings and coleslaw,” she added eagerly, moving the menu to the corner of the table.

  “As you wish,” he said, ordering a hamburger and fries for himself. “So aside from sexually confusing your car,” he grinned. “what have you been doing in that house of yours?”

  They fell into an easy conversation, trading sarcastic comments and finding a mutual love of obscure action movies. She never thought she would find out that the notorious womanizer was actually quite intelligent and funny. She found herself opening up and talking easily about her interests, her ever-present insecurity falling away in fits of laughter and a great plate of food.

  Eric ordered dessert as she put her last onion ring in her mouth. The waitress showed up a few moments later with a slice of each pie for them to share. Anna laughed and looked over to find Eric looking at her, a big boyish smile on his face.

  They plowed through their food and fought over who was going to pay. The waitress stood there amused as they both tried to shove money at her and insist they take theirs.

  Eric eventually won and he led her out of the diner, his hand on her lower back as he walked her down the long abandoned street to her car sitting alone by the inn. As they reached the driver’s side door, she reached for her keys. Eric made a quick move and snatch them form her hands, reaching behind her and inserting the key into the lock himself, crushing himself to her chest and pushing her against her car in the process.

  She felt her breath leave her body in a rush. He leaned in closer, his pelvis pushing hard against her hips. She felt the cold line of her car on her back but it did nothing to chill her suddenly overheated body. She felt the brush of his nose against her ear and his hot breath across her jaw line.

  Anna felt a coiling in her belly as she realized with blazing clarity that he was going to kiss her. Every nerve ending stood up and her heart raced a crazy, haphazard beat. Her eyes found Eric’s generous lips, stuck in a serious line. She looked up to his deep gray eyes finding them heavy lidded and hazy. She felt her own eyes getting oddly weighted.

  Then suddenly, Eric chuckled very quietly with a shake of his head as if chastising himself for something he was thinking about.

  The door clicked unlocked behind her and Eric stepped away. The air his her body and she shivered. Anna looked up at him, wide-eyed and questioning and he closed his eyes for a few seconds and sighed before pulling her door open for her, careful not to make contact with her skin. “Get yourself home safely, baby,” he said, turning and disappearing down the street.

  Anna slid carefully into her seat, closing and locking the door. She took a deep breath, putting her hands on the steering wheel and realizing they were shaking. Her legs felt heavy as she reached one toward the pedals. What had just happened? Every ounce of her body was sure Eric was going to kiss her. The sexual energy was sending off sparks like crazy between their bodies. And she had given every indication, despite her better judgment, that she would be more than willing.

  But he pulled away at the last possible moment. If he was the shameless womanizer that everyone claimed he was, why hadn’t he at least kissed her? Had she done something wrong? Or sent out some unintentional body language signal that she wasn’t interesting? She had been fully immersed in her sudden attraction.

  She somehow doubted Eric suddenly remembered he left this stove on or had some urgent appointment elsewhere. So there was really only two possible explanations. Either he had a sudden realization that he
needed to change his man-whoring ways which seemed incredibly unlikely, or, she realized with a sour feeling in her belly, he just wasn’t attracted to her after all. Maybe he just pushed her buttons to prove that he could and he never had any interest in her at all.

  Anna brought her forehead down on the steering wheel. She felt defeated. Overwhelmed and strangely sad. All of the confidence she felt building the past few weeks plummeted. Her chest suddenly hurt and tears came unwanted to her eyes.

  She turned the car over and threw it into drive, pulling away from town. As she drove her mind swirled with every nasty thing she had ever thought of herself. The insecurities built and grew until they were bigger than herself, more real than the road she was driving on way too quickly.

  At home she slammed the front door with an immature satisfaction. She fell into bed, crying herself to sleep with the rock-solid irrational feeling that she was wholly unwanted and unattractive.

  Six

  She woke up feeling tired despite sleeping well past ten. She walked groggily to the bathroom, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Her eyelids were swollen from crying and red underneath. There was no denying how she spent her night. Splashing cold water on her face, she decided she was going to have a stay-in-the-house-shirk-your-responsibilities and mope kind of day.

  Anna threw on ridiculously baggy sweatpants and the t-shirt she had taken from Sam’s house a few weeks before. She brewed a pot of coffee and planned to drink every last drop while she watched a marathon of chick flicks on her laptop. Normally she would have chosen one of her crummy action movies, but sharing that interest with Eric the night before somehow stripped them of their comforting quality.

  She was on her second weepathon movie when there was a sharp rapping on the door. Her heart flew into her throat. The last thing she had come to expect was random visitors. Being so far from town made it unlikely. Unsure of what to do, she grabbed for her cell phone and sat silently on the couch.

  “Come on, kid. I’m not going to murder you,” Sam called.

  She could just ignore him. She didn’t have to answer the door. It was probably smarter to stay where she was and pretend to not be at home. Or to be asleep. The last thing she needed was another guy around. And besides, she was a crying mess. She certainly didn’t want to discuss what happened. That would be beyond humiliating. Especially since everyone had warned her off of Eric O’reilly in the first place. Including Sam.

  But a bigger, needier part of her wanted to open the door. The part of her that was feeling hopeless and pathetic needed someone else around to keep her from falling into a pit of self-loathing misery.

  Anna suppressed a sigh, wiping the few straggling tears off her face. She unbolted the door and pulled it open.

  And there was Sam in all of his endearing wind-tossed-hair glory. He had a big, goofy smile on his face as he held out a box toward her. “I was a few towns over today. There was one of those fancy coffee shops and they had all these different kinds of doughnuts. I picked up one of each figuring you would like them. Hey,” he said, suddenly concerned. He grabbed her chin with his free hand and forced her head up to face him. “What’s wrong?” he asked, rubbing a thumb under her eyes, catching the leftover tears clinging to her lower lashes. She shook her head in response. Sam sighed, his handsome face suddenly resigned looking. “What did he do?” he asked. At her drawn in eyebrows, he shrugged. “You can’t do anything in this town without it becoming news. So what happened?”

  Anna felt torn. On one hand, she needed someone to talk to, to confide in. On the other hand, she felt awkward trying to tell Sam. “Nothing,” she said honestly. “he didn’t do anything.” She stepped out of the way so Sam could walk inside.

  Sam put the doughnuts down on the coffee table. “Your eyes say that’s bullshit,” he lowered his eyes from hers. “Did he like… pressure you into anything?”

  A choked sound escaped from Anna’s throat. Pressure her? He didn’t want anything to do with her. “No of course not,” she said and threw herself dramatically onto the couch.

  “Alright,” Sam sighed. “I’m not going to make you tell me.” He sat down next to her, glancing at the laptop. “So what are we watching?” he asked, pulling a doughnut with pink and yellow icing out of the box and handing it to her.

  They watched two movies back-to-back. The urge to cry slowly eased as she defended the silly plot lines and bad acting to Sam who had suddenly become some kind of harsh movie critic.

  His shoulder was against hers. Every time he moved, his arm brushed hers. Try as hard as she could, she couldn’t ignore the sensation. Or the quick spread of goosebumps the contact had spreading across her arm.

  She felt her overworked eyes getting heavier by the minute. She pulled her knees up to her chest, encircling them with her arms. She could feel the outline of Sam’s body next to hers. The heat he was giving off made her feel warm and sleepy. Lulled by his presence, he drifted quickly off to sleep.

  Sam had expected to be greeted with one of those big, happy smiles of hers when she noticed that he had been thinking about her while on a short business trip. But there she stood in his old t-shirt with her big green eyes puffy from crying. He had felt the fist of jealousy all day when he had heard about her and Eric, but then it was growing, almost overpowering in its intensity. And yet all he wanted to do was pull her into his arms and make her laugh until she didn’t look so sad anymore.

  But he knew he couldn’t do that so he settled for sitting with her so she didn’t feel so alone in whatever misery she was going through. He picked apart her movies with amusing digs as the characters and plot lines until she was smiling and rolling her eyes at him. Before long she had already eaten four of the doughnuts, carelessly licking the sticky icing off her fingertips.

  She fell asleep quickly, her head landing softly on his shoulder. They sat like that for half an hour, his head resting against her soft brown hair and felt his own eyes getting sleepy. He gently pulled her close to him and rolled with her until they were both laying on the couch, his back against the back cushion with Anna facing him. He wrapped an arm around her so she wouldn’t fall and slowly drifted off to sleep, listening to the sound of her soft breathing.

  Anna woke up with a start, feeling disoriented. It took her sleep-fogged brain a few moments to register that she was in her house, on her couch. And that she had been asleep on Sam’s hard yet comfortable chest. She wondered how long they had been asleep. How they had even gotten into that position to begin with.

  Sam started to stir beneath her and took a deep breath before saying in a voice gruff from sleep, “Hey there sleeping beauty.”

  The arm around her didn’t loosen, in fact he pulled her tighter against his broad chest. She felt him yawn. Then his weight suddenly shifted and she grabbed his waist, afraid she was going to fall.

  A second later, she found herself pinned beneath Sam. He propped his weight up on his elbows and one of his legs pushed up between hers until she felt his hipbone rest against the juncture of her thighs.

  His deep brown eyes were heavy and she wondered if it was from sleep or arousal. He was looking down at her intensely as she struggled to make eye contact. She was having trouble breathing, she realized. Whether it was from her own excitement or surprise of from his weight on her chest, she wasn’t sure.

  He was going to kiss her, she realized with a start. But then again maybe she was wrong. She had been wrong about Eric wanting to kiss her. Maybe she was just imaging things lately. Maybe he was just trying to get off the couch without making her get up. Maybe…

  “Don’t look so scared, Anna,” he said softly and she realized it was the first time he had said her name. It sounded like a secret on his lips, like something only the two of them could share. “I’m not going to hurt you, okay?” he asked, scanning her face, waiting for an answer.

  At a complete loss of words, she nodded. A second later, Sam lowered his head, angling slightly to the left until his lips found the soft skin of
her neck. Anna sucked in her breath at the contact, a slight gasp escaping her lips. She felt Sam smile against her neck before continuing his trail of kisses across her neck to the other side and then up, landing on her earlobe.

  She almost pulled away, unfamiliar with the sensation but Sam’s breath was in her ear and she heard him softly whisper, “It’s alright. Relax.” And then she felt the soft tip of his tongue gently stroke her ear and a shudder wracked her whole body.

  He lightly nipped at the fleshy edge of her earlobe before raising his head to look at her again. His eyes were clouded and she had no doubt about his arousal as she felt how hard he was pressed up excitingly to her pelvis.

  He lowered his head again, this time his lips found hers with just the ghost of pressure at first. She shivered and closed her eyes, her hand sliding up his back. He increased the pressure slowly and she sighed, her lips parting slowly. Sam’s tongue slipped inside to find hers and Anna’s hand dug into his back, her legs tightening around his hips, pulling him closer.

  She had been kissed before, of course, but she had never felt this connected to her own body. Every nerve was processing sensations. The feel of his heart against her suddenly heavy breasts. His slick tongue toying with hers. His insistent cock pushing into the flesh of her belly.

  His lips suddenly grabbed hold of her tongue, sucking roughly. A strangled moan escaped her lips and just as suddenly as he started, he stopped.

  He kissed her closed eyelids quickly before pulling away. She felt his ragged breath on her face. She herself was feeling breathless, somehow completely overwhelmed physically.

  “Open your eyes,” he said quietly. “Open your eyes, Anna,” he repeated when he didn’t respond.

  They opened, wide though they felt heavy.

  “Shit,” he cursed, raising himself off of her and into a seated position on the couch. He sat there a moment catching his breath with his hands on his head. “Sorry, he said, standing. “I shouldn’t have done that.”