What The Heart Wants

by Gadziala, Jessica

  Devon glanced over her shoulder. “He may not have tried anything yet, but let me promise you something: he wants to.”

  Anna craned her neck over her shoulder to where Devon was looking. Eric was standing by the exit. He was watching them and when he noticed her looking, he smiled slowly and winked before leaving.

  She glanced around trying to get a glimpse of Sam but he was nowhere to be found.

  Devon pulled her onto the dance floor for the final song and held her at a chaste distance. “I’m going to pay you back, you know,” she told him.

  Devon’s eyebrow dipped in confusion. “For what?”

  “For me. This dance. Five hundred dollars was an insane bid.”

  Then Devon surprised her by letting out a loud laugh, throwing his head back like a little kid. “Oh hush,” he said, still smiling. “I’m from one of the founding families, Anna. We have money coming out of our ears. Besides,” he said, reaching forward and tugging a strand of her hair like a brother would. “you’re worth every penny.”

  After the dance was over, Devon led her out to her car, bowed to her and told her to get home safely.

  Back at home, Anna stood out in her yard, cooling off after hours in a hot gym. She flexed her sore, blistered feet in the cold grass as she reflected on the evening. She had to hand it to Hank, she really had a great night. It was an easy way to talk to new people without the pressure of sitting across the table from someone. Devon had been a blast.

  Anna shook her head, realizing the people she’d connected to the most effortlessly were Ashley and Devon- both teenagers.

  Sighing as the wind cooled her flushed face, she reached behind her back, looking for the zipper to her dress. It budged about a quarter of an inch before it got stuck. She cursed under her breath.

  “I can help you with that,” Sam said behind her and she shrieked, spinning to face him with a hand on her pounding heart. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” he apologized.

  “Then you shouldn’t sneak up on people,” she snapped. She had never been the kind of person who was comfortable expressing her frustration or anger and she wasn’t entirely sure why she was so annoyed with Sam.

  Sam cocked his head to the side at her tone. “You didn’t answer when I knocked,” he explained calmly.

  Having no further comment, Anna reached down to retrieve her shoes. “Did Maude get your money back?” she asked, walking toward her back porch and dropping the shoes inside the kitchen door.

  Sam shook his head and sighed. “She stormed over, smacked me upside my head and informed me she was keeping my dollar because I was sending Little Red Riding Hood to the wolf.”

  “She’s a cryptic woman,” Anna hedged, not wanting to have that conversation.

  “Look I don’t need a Rosetta stone to interpret that. She was talking about you. And Eric.” He stepped a little closer. “I saw you dancing with him tonight.”

  “I danced with a lot of men tonight,” she said, lifting her chin defiantly as her stomach rolled.

  “I saw you with him,” he said. “and I didn’t like it.” He stepped closer still.

  “I don’t dance with people to please or,” she said wishing she could move away but her back was against the door. “displease you.”

  “This was different and you know it. This wasn’t Devon with all his harmless boyish charm. Or Thomas the seventy-year old retired librarian. No one else was holding you like they knew every secret your body had to offer, Anna.”

  He was only a foot away, looking down at her with those annoyingly kind eyes. He had unbuttoned his shirt down to mid-chest and the wind blew it open slightly. Anna shook her head to clear it and looked up at him. “Just because you kiss me. Once. Doesn’t mean you get to pick and choose who I can spend time with. And just because you’re… jealous of Eric…”

  “Damn it, Anna,” Sam broke in. “this isn’t about O’reilly.”

  “Then why do you keep bringing him up?” she countered.

  “I didn’t. I,” Sam raked a frustrated hand through his hair. “I don’t want to see you get hurt. Mam was like a second mother to me and…”

  “Oh,” the word exploded out of her mouth like an accusation. “so that’s what this is really about. Because you were close with Mam, you feel the need to… I don’t know… protect me from the big bad wolf,” she laughed humorlessly. “I have news for you, Flynn. I’m not a child. I don’t need some babysitter for a next-door neighbor. And even if Eric had stripped me naked and we fucked on the dance floor,” she seethed, pleased when Sam flinched at her language. “it would not be any of your concern. And. And! I mean if you were so worried about what Mam would think of people’s behavior toward me, then why would you kiss me and then disappear for weeks?”

  As soon as it was out of her mouth, she regretted it. The last thing she wanted was for Sam to know how much she resented him for that day.

  Sam stepped closer. His hands reached over and ran up and down her cool arms. “I didn’t mean to do that,” he said quietly.

  “Do what,” she asked, losing her anger with the goosebumps rising on her arms. “kiss me or disappear afterward?”

  “Both. Either,” he sighed, leaning forward and resting his forehead against hers. “It’s not about you. It’s just a bad idea.” His hand slid up her back, holding her for a second. “I’m sorry if I hurt you,” he said and pulled away.

  She was trying to convince her mouth to object, to deny that she was hurt or ever could be hurt by him. But she couldn’t force the words out and he was walking away.

  The breeze blew and she felt colder than before and she realized that somehow Sam had unzipped her dress without her realizing it.

  Eight

  The next day it rained. A steady, unyielding heavy rain descended early in the morning and showed no signs of letting up. Anna felt a heaviness on her chest, a weird uncomfortable feeling to her skin. The house felt cramped and claustrophobic.

  Anna suddenly realized she hadn’t unpacked any of her belongings but her clothes piled away in the bottom of the closet. She needed to settle in, to put down roots. Maybe if she made the space more her own she would feel less like an intruder.

  She started by dragging an old glass front china cabinet that was oddly situated in the hallway into an empty corner of the dining room. She carefully cleaned it and started to fill it with all the random knick-knacks that cluttered all the shelves in the living room. She found most of them strange and ugly, but they were obviously important to Mam and despite not knowing the woman, she felt a connection to all her things.

  The empty spots left over she filled with all the novels she used to spend hours and days and weeks reading. Romance novels and sci-fi and historical fiction. She organized Mam’s books by subject and removed all the strange ones she would have no use for. Like a manual on how to build a root cellar or weave a basket.

  She grabbed the pink chaise lounge and pushed it into Mam’s bedroom. It had thoroughly frustrated her since she first arrived that it didn’t match the other blue furniture or the green walls for that matter.

  After rummaging through the cabinets, she found a bottle of gin, barely opened and poured it into a coffee mug. She winced and spat after the first sip, unsure why anyone would want to drink anything that smelled and tasted like a Christmas tree.

  But an image of Sam flashed into her mind. Sam telling her it was a bad idea to kiss her. Sam regretting having kissed her. Eric almost kissing her. Eric not kissing her. The image of both of them walking away from her.

  Then she filled her mug and chugged it down. After another mug, the flavor didn’t bother her anymore. She turned up the music, blaring out every awful thought her mind wouldn’t let her forget.

  The booze snaked its way through her system, making her light-headed and clumsy.

  She found an unopened gallon of white paint hidden in the back of the cabinet under the kitchen sink and fell on her butt trying to drag it out.

  A few hours later she
sat in a freshly painted living room. The bright white made the room seem bigger and cheery despite the insistent rain outside. And it finally matched the blue and white furniture.

  She moved onto the dining room next, intent on tackling the massive amounts of paperwork that Mam had accumulated on the dining room table. Bills were still there from three years before, mixed with handwritten invoices and printed receipts from varying purchases in towns all over Pennsylvania.

  Anna picked up an old farmer’s almanac, carrying it over to the already overflowing garbage bin. A note fell out of the pages, fluttering to the floor. She bent and picked it up, figuring it was just another bill. But she noticed it was on regular college-ruled notebook paper.

  She unfolded it, finding a handwritten note inside.

  Dearest Minnie,

  I understand the impossibility of this situation. I feel your frustration as well as mine. It haunts me every waking hour of my day. It plagues my dreams. I want to be there with you in that cozy grey bedroom, sleeping away the days I currently spend longing for you by my side.

  I would throw this all away in a heartbeat if you would only let me. Allow me to choose you.

  Always yours,

  John

  Anna sat down on a dining room chair. She could feel the heartbreak sharp as a knife, strong as if it was her own. Another piece of Mam’s life fell into place. The note on her bedroom wall was from a man who had so obviously been in love with her.

  She felt a smile spread across her face as she realized Mam had hung it on her bedroom wall. The wall John had referenced in his letter as being gray. The wall she had vengefully painted a rosy pink.

  Annabelle wished she had more pieces to the puzzle. She wished she knew when the letters were written. Had Mam been a young woman? What was it that John was willing to give away for her? Why hadn’t Mam let him?

  Somewhere in the back of her mind, she felt a sadness growing. What must it have been like to be so loved? Did Mam know how lucky she had been? Did she know that most women would go their whole lives without ever having a hint of what John felt for her?

  Love had never been a prominent thought in her mind. Due largely to her complete lack of comfort dealing with the opposite sex, she never really considered it much of a possibility. It also didn’t help watching Viv fall in love and get heartbroken dozens of times over the years in her own pursuit of love.

  If she were being honest with herself, she would admit that she wanted it. She wouldn’t have spent countless hours diving into romance novels if a part of her didn’t want to meet someone and fall heart over heels. And maybe, just maybe, a teensy tiny little part of her had hoped that Sam or Eric would be that leading man for her.

  Maybe she needed to learn how to flirt. Maybe she should just fall into bed with someone already and she would get that out of the way.

  Anna felt a headache pounding in her temples. She rummaged through the bathroom cabinet for aspirin, cursing gin seven ways to Sunday. She grabbed one of the dozen knitted blankets Mam must have slaved over for weeks and wrapped herself in it. She drank a cup of tea on the blue and white sofa, staring out at the rain pouring down.

  She had always sort-of liked the rain. And that day it matched the growing sadness inside. Maybe moving had been a mistake. Maybe taking herself away from her mother and coworkers and feeling of comfort was stupid. She felt the loneliness creep in, cold and constant until it chilled her bones.

  But she knew she couldn’t go back. Not until she really gave it a try. She needed to at least find a way to make it to the first harvest. Whatever it took. However strong she had to pretend to be to make it. At first harvest she could make her decision to stay or not.

  Nine

  She tried not to think about them. She really did. There was endless weeding constantly needing to be done. She needed to focus on finding other venues to sell her goods at once the harvest was in. The lawn needed mowing and the house needed scrubbing. There was something that could use her full attention every moment of everyday.

  But despite herself, they crept into her mind no matter how busy she kept herself.

  If she were being objective she would admit that she had feelings for them both. Sam felt comfortable, a good shoulder to lean on, hands always willing to help. He was kind and easy going. Safe. And he was sexy in his off-handed, unintentional way.

  And he was attracted to her. The memory of his body covering hers, his mouth exploring hers, gentle but urgent, made her stomach flutter and her face heat.

  But he didn’t want to want her, she reminded herself firmly. Not wanting to want her was just as bad, if not worse, than not wanting her in the first place.

  Then there was Eric with all his animalistic sexuality. True, he had the opportunity to kiss her and didn’t. But then he had danced with her and held her like someone holds a lover. He went into an all-out bidding war for one final dance with her. He was sending out mixed signals like crazy. Maybe he was just trying to feel her out, gauging how she felt before he went too far.

  There was a lot of talk in town about Eric’s reputation with women, but she didn’t doubt for a second that all those women were all too happy to have his attention. She couldn’t imagine any of them had to be talked into his bed. So could she really fault him for taking something that was freely offered to him? Was there really something inherently wrong with enjoying your life even if it gave you a bad name?

  Anna felt a surge of excited energy. Maybe she could learn something from Eric. Maybe it was time to stop playing it so safe. She had spent her whole life playing it safe, never taking chances and therefore, never experiencing anything interesting.

  It was only by doing something completely out of character like moving to a town she had never even visited before and taking over a farm when she knew nothing of gardening that her life finally started to change, to get exciting.

  It wasn’t all good exciting. She had dealt with the kind of disappointment and frustration that made her want to crawl into bed and never come out again. But it was different. It wasn’t boring and safe and stagnant.

  She had moved to Stars Landing to start over. But she felt like she was falling into old patterns. Staying in the house. Throwing herself into work. Hiding from life.

  She could do anything. She could be anyone.

  Anna dropped the laundry basket on the floor, looking over at the closet. She knew she had it somewhere.

  Viv had bought it for her on her twenty-first birthday, insisting that every woman just had to have one. The perfect one. The one that fit like a glove. The one that when you put it on, you felt like the sexiest version of yourself. She found it in a pile of winter sweaters, a tag still hanging off it. A little black dress.

  Viv had always believed in using your sexuality. Anna remembered sitting on her mother’s bed as a little girl, watching her get ready. Viv would glance over at her as she checked out different shoes in the mirror and tell her that it was important for her to dress pretty so they boys would be nice to her.

  Anna always thought that her mother must have been disappointed that her daughter never turned out more like her.

  She held the dress against her body and smiled thinking that Viv would be pretty proud of her plan that night. The thought comforted her a bit.

  The black dress was strapless, made of a clinging material. When she put it on it felt like she had nothing on. It amazed her that it could be skintight and yet comfortable. The bodice fell low, her breasts peeking over the top and it reached just barely to mid thigh.

  Anna looked at herself with a shake of her head. It was going to take one major pep talk to walk out of the house in it, but she hoped that the end result would make up for having to work through her insecurity.

  She put on some red lipstick, slipped into a pair of ankle-aching stilettos, and headed to town before she could change her mind.

  The town was lined with cars for some unknown reason and she was forced to park down by the inn again. She climbed out of
her car and walked down the sidewalk, trying to not notice the stares she was getting. The weather had just started to take a turn toward hot and people were mulling around enjoying the first kiss of summer.

  Maude was standing out front of the grocery store talking to a couple about their unruly nine year old. “Aw girl,” she called, having not even glanced at her. “you know well as I that that’s a bad idea.”

  “Bad idea,” Anna smiled, looking over her shoulder as she passed Maude. “don’t you just love those?”

  She was rewarded by Maude’s amused cackle.

  Anna made her way toward the garage. The huge drive-in door was thrown open and the smells of grease and gas hit her immediately and she found it strangely pleasant combination.

  There was hard rock blasting from the radio in a corner. Stepping further inside, she noticed a set of man’s legs coming out from underneath a car. Stalking over, she hit the off button on the radio.

  “Someone better have a damn good reason for turning off such a good song,” Eric’s voice called as he slid out from underneath the chasse. She watched as he stood up, wiping his hands off on a rag hanging from one of the hooks in his blue coveralls. She lifted her chin toward him as he turned. “Well,” he said, smiling devilishly. “that’s the best reason I’ve ever seen.”

  Anna felt her heart leap with hope. She walked closer, stopping only a foot away from him. “Now go get yourself cleaned up and meet me at the café in the bookstore.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” he chuckled, a sinister smile spreading across his face and darkening his eyes. “Hey baby,” he called at her retreating form. She turned toward him, an eyebrow raised. “nice dress.”

  She felt lighter as she walked back toward the bookstore. She pulled it off. For the first time since moving to Stars Landing, she was the one in control.

  Stars Books was a cramped little store. All the walls were lined floor to ceiling with bookshelves, their sturdy wooden shelves unbending under the weight. The main floor area was littered with round, square, and rectangular tables piled with various non-fiction books. As thin as she was, she had to turn sideways just to walk through the store.