A Rage for Revenge watc-3

by David Gerrold

  And then I wasn't an ape any more. Then I was a god like Jason. And I was revealed.

  I remember realizing that what we were doing here was something unprecedented on the planet. We were the first human beings to live as Chtorrans. We were taking the Chtorran experience and bringing it home. It was an incredible shock and I fell to my knees, crying with joy and terror.

  Jason too went farther than he had ever been before.

  He was shaken by the experience. He tried to share it with us, but it came out as babbles. He held up a hand and said, "We don't have the concepts yet." And then he buried his face in his hands and cried, "I don't have the concepts yet!" He began to sob. "I saw it, I saw it. I broke beyond my limits and saw. But the experience is so far beyond concept that to try to conceptualize it is to channel it and narrow it. It would be like calling a symphony a sound. . . ." He wept into his hands, and the rest of us wept with him.

  We didn't see Jason for three days after the Revelation. He was recuperating, Marcie said. He had taken such energies into his body that he had injured himself and needed to rebuild his strength.

  The camp was not the same afterward. Everything looked different to me. I had never seen the world this way before. Everybody looked different to me. I could see things inside them that I had never known were there. I could see things inside myself.

  By the glow on others' faces, I knew that they too were transformed by the Revelation.

  I was told I would be assigned new chores. But for now, to make myself useful to Marcie, Jessie, and George-who I still thought of as Frankenstein's monster.

  I was still walking around confused. I finally went to-of all people-Frankenstein, and after I told him how much I loved him, I told him how confused I was.

  He told me that was normal. "It's part of the process. Cherish it. The greater your confusion, the farther you're moving from the level of ordinariness."

  He spread his big hands wide to encompass the whole world. "Confusion is the doorway to the extraordinary level. You can only get there by being willing to not know anything. Confusion is the recognition that what you think you know is not what you really know. The more confused you are, the farther you're moving. Jason says that we're always on the threshold of the extraordinary, but as soon as we assimilate it then we've fallen back into the ordinary. So we have to keep pushing ourselves into the extraordinary, over and over."

  He had picked up a large carton. He handed it to me to hold, while he gathered up puppies from the floor and put them in the box. They were four weeks old and so fluffy they looked like little mops. They squeaked and yipped and tried to climb out of the box.

  "So, this will wear off eventually?" I asked.

  "Yes and no," he said. "You are transformed by the experience. You will always be transformed by it. Can you not have experienced something you've already experienced? Can you make it not have happened? Of course not." He put the last puppy in the box and took it from me. I followed him across the camp.

  "Assimilation is normal," he said. "It's the mind figuring out and explaining and conceptualizing the experience. It's a necessary step. Because once you've assimilated an experience, you've completed it. Then you're ready to go on to the next. You're ready to push yourself into not-knowingness again. You're ready for the next breakthrough. Being at the extraordinary level is impossible. You can get there, but you can't stay there. All you can do is get there and get there and get there. Breakthrough after breakthrough after breakthrough."

  I followed him down the slope toward the pool where Orrie was building his family. Orrie spent a lot of time with the two younger Chtorrans these days. There was a lot to teach them. Soon, the baby would join them too.

  I said, "There's so much to learn. And I guess I'm too impatient. Thank you for being so understanding." Frankenstein rumbled with quiet laughter. "Jim, we're all still learning here. Even Jason. Especially Jason. But you've already got the one quality. you need-you're willing to open yourself up to find out the truth. It's been a real pleasure watching you grow. When you first came here, I thought I was going to have to kill you. You were all pinched up like a prune. You wore your hate on your face like a mask. Now, you're always smiling and joyous. I'm glad you're here with us. Have I told you today how much I love you?"

  I felt the tears starting to well up again. "I . . . I'm always on the edge of tears," I admitted.

  "That's good," Frankenstein said. "That's a sign of how close you live to the extraordinary level."

  I recognized he was right. I said, "Can I share something with you?"

  "Sure."

  "Since my transformation-God; it feels strange to talk about it."

  "Does it?"

  "Yes. It's like saying it makes it real all over again. I can feel myself recreating the experience and I know I really am transformed. It's this surge of power and joy; it comes up almost automatically every time I remember that I'm transformed by the Revelation. I mean, I know so much more now than I ever knew before. What I want to share with you is that I don't feel human any more. Do you know what I mean? I mean, it's like this body is a tool that I use, but I know I'm not the body. It's just where I experience myself. But I'm more than it. I'm beyond it. I'm a god. I have this detachment from this body. I know that it's not me. I know, I must sound like I'm babbling . . . "

  "You're making perfect sense."

  ". . . and I know that I need this body to play in this world; but I know this body can die and all that'll happen will be that I'll move on to the next place. I may not be me any more-not the me that I think I am. In fact, of course, I won't be-but that's all right. It's part of the job of being a god, isn't it?"

  I stopped myself when I realized what I'd said. In a much softer tone, I added, "That's terrifying. I mean, for me to realize that I'm a god . . ."

  Frankenstein rumbled good-naturedly. "Let me tell you what Jason says. Gods create. You create. You're a god. You can't help it. You can even create yourself as being not a god. You do that by not creating-except then all you're doing is creating 'not-creating.' Got that?"

  "Uh-huh."

  "And all that 'not-creating' is, is not being responsible for what you are creating. You can't help it. You're always creating. You are a god whether you want to be one or not, so you might as well be a god and enjoy yourself."

  I laughed with him.

  We arrived at the pool then. Marcie was waiting for us. Orrie flowed up and out over the edge and bobbled his eyes in greeting. "Brrdp, " he said.

  Frankenstein handed the box to Marcie. "Give me a hand, Jim?" She handed the box of puppies to me, then climbed down into the pool. "Come on down. It's safe. They know about people now. "

  I balanced the box on my shoulder and climbed down after her. We squatted down on the pool floor and the two young Chtorrans came squealing out to greet us. They were each over a meter long now and they were as cute as little grizzly bears. They bobbled their eyes with excitement. They examined Marcie's boots, my hands, and the box of puppies with equal interest-but the puppies fascinated them. They were fat little gobbets of waddling flesh. And they moved!

  "Help me feed them," Marcie said.

  "Sure," I said. "How come the puppies?"

  "Oh, there was a screw up. Jessie was supposed to arrange a pickup of some beef, but it never happened. It's just as well. We're going to be moving on soon. Just as soon as we find a new place. " She took the first puppy out of the box and put it down on the gray concrete surface of the pool. "Go ahead, girl." The puppy's hind legs were splayed outward. It wobbled a few steps toward the nearest Chtorran and yipped at it.

  "They're cute," she said. She glanced at me. "Are you going to help with the scouting?"

  "I really don't know this part of California that well. I know that some of the artificial peninsulas are supposed to be very nice. My mom's at one of the new communities outside of Santa Cruz, I think. I haven't talked to her in over a year. But it's got it's own natural defenses, it's almost impossible to ge
t onto. That's the kind of place we should look for. A place that's almost completely inaccessible."

  The two Chtorrans turned to face the puppy. The nearest one reached out with one hand and poked at it tentatively. The puppy fell over on its back and wagged its tail. The Chtorran picked it up. Apparently it squeezed too hard with its claw, for the puppy squealed in pain. The Chtorran popped the puppy into its mouth. There was a startled yowp, muffled by the sound of chewing and then the Chtorran said, "Chtrrrrr."

  Marcie took a second puppy out of the box and handed it to the other Chtorran. It grabbed for it eagerly, like a piece of Christmas candy. The puppy disappeared just as quickly.

  "Give them a moment to digest," said Marcie. "Their systems are still young. They can't handle too much at once." She reached over and skritched one of the Chtorrans at the base of its eyestalks.

  "You don't remember where we first met, do you?" I asked her.

  "Sure I do. We found you north of here."

  "No, before that. I remember you from Denver. Do you remember Denver at all?"

  "I was unconscious then," she said. "I don't remember much of anything. "

  "You were with a fat colonel . . ."

  "Oh, yeah." She laughed. "Him. Colonel Buffoon. That's what everybody called him. He's dead, you know."

  "Oh?"

  "It was funny-I mean, the way we arrived here. It shows how powerful I am. I created a situation so inevitable that fifteen people died to get me here. I wasn't even supposed to be on the bus, but the colonel took me everywhere. I was for the entertainment of his guests. They used my body. I wasn't in it most of the time. I was just-there. You know? You know how it is before you really wake up to your own life. I don't remember where we were going, but we were on a bus. We took a wrong turn. The sign was changed or something. We ran into a roadblock. There were Chtorrans, three of them. There was some shooting; and then everybody was dead. No, not everybody. George and . . . and, um, the colonel-you know, I don't remember his real name any more-and myself . . . and I think there was a secretary. We weren't killed. Jason gave us the chance to live."

  "So what happened to the colonel?"

  "Oh, he tried to escape. And the secretary too. Both of them. They told George and me. They wanted us to come with them. George said no, it wasn't safe. They said they were going to try anyway, while they still had their minds left. Isn't that silly? Can you imagine anyone wanting to protect their mind?"

  I laughed with her. We each pulled another puppy out of the box and gave them to the Chtorran cubs. One of the Chtorrans ate his puppy immediately. The other examined it curiously. He was fascinated by the puppy.

  "Don't play with your food!" Marcie slapped his flank, and he ate the puppy.

  "Anyway," she said. "I told Jason what they were up to, and he said not to worry about it. They tried to escape and Orrie and Falstaff ate them. That's what happens when you break your word. So you knew me in Denver? That was when you were still in the army, right? Were you one of the men I fucked?"

  I nodded. Then shook my head. "Well, not exactly. Do you remember your dog? Rangle?"

  For just the barest instant, she looked uncomfortable. It was just a flicker of annoyance on her face. "Uh, yeah. I used to feed him scraps."

  "Well, I was the one who told you he was dead. Remember that night outside the cafeteria? And you screamed at me, and cried on my shirt? And then we made love- "

  "Had sex," she corrected. "That wasn't love."

  "Sorry, you're right. I know that now. And then I had to leave, and you were pissed off at me."

  "Oh, yeah! I remember. That was you? God, that's really funny! See how powerful you are? You did come back."

  "I never thought of it that way. But, yes-you're right."

  "God, I thought you were a jerk then."

  "I thought you were crazy."

  "I was; I still am. But at least this kind of crazy contributes. I can use my craziness to make a difference. We all can. That's what Jason says, and he's right."

  "Do you want to know the rest of the joke?" I asked.

  "What?"

  "I lied to you that night."

  "Oh."

  "About Rangle. I told you he was hit by a car."

  "I remember, I cried all night long after you left. I even thought about killing myself, but I didn't have enough pills. Do you know that dog was the only person in the world I could talk to then?"

  "Yeah, you weren't too sociable. In fact, you were a nasty bitch."

  "I still am," she grinned. She reached into the box. "There's only two left. One for you . . . " She put the first puppy down on the floor of the pool. "And one for you." She put the second puppy down in front of the second Chtorran.

  She looked to me again with honest curiosity. "So what did happen to Rangle? Did somebody shoot him? I was always afraid that would happen to him. There was a lot of that going on at Denver. The big macho military boys were always going out to shoot stray dogs."

  "No, it's even funnier than that. Remember the wild Chtorran they had there?"

  "I heard about it. The one that got loose?"

  "Uh-huh. They were scared silly of it. People would go over to the lab every night for the feeding sessions to give themselves nightmares. Jillanna took me the night before I met you. They were feeding it dogs. Rangle was one of them?"

  "Really?" Marcie looked delighted at the joke. "That's funny. That was just what that dumb dog deserved." But when she looked up, there were tears welling up in her eyes. "I'm so stupid. Look at me: my machinery is still working. An ape feeds a dog to a worm and then cries about it." She wiped at her eyes. "I had a lot of identity invested in that dog. Stupid of me. Real stupid."

  "No it isn't," I said. "It's part of the process. You have to complete that before you can move on to the next thing. You were way down there, Marcie. You were a zombie. You were underwater. You've got a lot of stuff left-we all do-it's just part of the job. It's all right to cry."

  "I know. But I'm annoyed now-because I thought I'd finished all that stuff long ago. Boy, just when you thought it was safe to go back in your head . . ." She stood up, I stood up with her.

  The two little Chtorrans looked at us curiously and squealed with dismay.

  "I'm sorry," Marcie said. "That's all there is."

  They didn't believe her. They waggled their eyes at us. They bounced and flounced. They humped and pumped. They squeaked and squealed.

  Marcie held her hands out for them to see. I did likewise. We turned the box on its side so they could see into it. One of them poked its face in and snorfled around for a moment. When it pulled out, the other examined the box with equal thoroughness. "Brrroooot," it said.

  "You little monsters!" Marcie scolded. "How many puppies can you eat in a day anyway. Give me a break. How do you expect anyone to treat you like gods if you insist on acting like stomachs? You guys got a lot to learn."

  They lowered their eyes in shame. But they weren't ashamed. It was part of the act. They began sniffing the floor of the pool, examining a few spurts of blood curiously.

  Murcie and I left them to their explorations. We climbed out and started heading back toward the camp.

  "Are we going to get more food for them soon?"

  "Oh, yes. That's being handled. We sent the truck to Sacrawcnto. But it'll be close. The big ones can go a week at a time without eating, but the babies need to eat every day. And Orrie-we need to force his growth, so he has to eat more often too. But they should be back tonight, so we'll be okay."

  "Oh, so that's where Jessie is. Who's taking care of the baby?"

  "Didn't you know?" Marcie looked at me surprised.

  "Know what?"

  "Well . . . at the Revelation, Jason asked her to be responsible for her commitment to the new gods. You know, she didn't get their food on time. We can always make do with the dogs-but that wasn't the point. We're responsible for Orrie's well-being, and the well-being of his family. That's the agreement. If we don't keep them fed, they ha
ve the right to feed on us. Jason asked Jessie to honor her commitment."

  "You mean she gave herself to Orrie?"

  "No. She gave her baby to Orrie."

  I stopped where I stood and stared at Marcie. "She gave her baby to . . . ?"

  "Jim!" Marcie said warningly. "Get out of your mind! That's your ape machinery reacting! You've got to give that up or it'll get in your way."

  "Uh . . ." I flustered for words. "Puppies are one thing. I mean, they're supposed to be food. But . . ."

  "Jim-don't you know what Jason's Revelation was? No, guess not. He hasn't shared it with everybody yet. This is it. We're supposed to be their food. Us-the apes. That's why we're here. We're supposed to feed the gods-with our bodies if necessary." She touched herself with her hands. "This thing-this is god food. We're supposed to breed lots of nice fat healthy meals for the gods. There's a lot more than that, but Jason hasn't shared it yet. He says we have to get that very basic level before we can move on to anything else."

  I was too shocked to react. I said, "I thought we were supposed to be partners with the gods!"

  "We are! Our partnership so far is on the physical level. We supply what their bodies need so they can build their families. To ask for more than that is not only presumptuous it's as silly as those puppies asking to be people. At best, it's cute. At worst, it's tragic. For us to really have a partnership, we have to give up our ape machinery and recognize that the job of being a god's partner is to be of absolute service to the god, delivering whatever is wanted and needed, absolutely and totally---even if it means being at detriment to oneself."

  "I thought. . . . Now I'm really confused. I thought we were going to experience our own godhood."

  "Of course we are-and we'll experience the Chtorran godhood, too. But remember, it always gets filtered through the ape machinery. What does it matter if a Chtorran eats a puppy? Nothing. So what does it matter if a Chtorran eats a baby ape? It means nothing. It only means something if you invest it with identity. Identity is a product of all that mind machinery. Give it up."