by Paris Rose
I was torn inside. He was always so good to me, and he treated me so well. Being with him and spending time with him made me happier than I’d ever been in my life. I’d never felt a joy from anything that was greater than what I felt holding Christoff’s hand or hearing the sound of his voice. I’d never made love so passionately than when I was with Christoff. Our relationship was great. He was truly the man of my dreams, but the nagging feeling that he didn’t belong exclusively to me and the sneaking suspicion that he may leave me or play around behind my back was eating me alive. I was so flustered that I didn’t know what to do. I just wanted to be held. I knew Christoff was a good guy or else I wouldn’t be with him, but I feared that the pressures and temptations of showbiz was enough to turn even the best guy into a heartbreaking bad boy. I just wanted things to go back to how they were earlier in the day when we were laughing and joking, and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I just wanted to feel close to him again, both physically and emotionally. I took a deep breath and allowed him to pull me into his embrace. Tears rolled down my cheeks as we held each other.
“I’m still hurt, Christoff, but I’m ready to let the issue go for now. I guess I’m just scared that you’re going to leave me or something. I don’t know. Seeing you interact with other girls like that just really rattles me, but I know it’s part of your job, so I forgive you.”
“Thank you for being so open and forgiving, Gia. I love you so much. You’re an outstanding woman. I’m not going anywhere, sweetie. You make me so happy. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself without you. I hate to see you so unhappy. It really upsets me. I feel like a terrible person for making you cry. What can I do to make you smile again?” He released me from his embrace and looked into my eyes.
“I don’t know, Christoff. I just need time to adjust to dating an irresistible rock star.” I smiled through my tears.
“Well, you’ll have plenty of time. I don’t plan on letting you go anytime soon. Let’s get home. I want to get naked and hold you.”
A hearty laugh escaped me. Christoff’s bluntness amused me. I adored him. I laughed so hard that my tears of grief turned to tears of joy. I smiled as I realized how quickly I could go from angry and hysterical, to laughing uncontrollably to crying tears of joy. It all just depended on what I decided to focus on. I made a firm decision that for the rest of the day, I was going to focus on how good Christoff was to me and how much we loved each other. Those thoughts felt so much better than letting my brain run amuck with fear and insecurity. Yes, trust felt so much better than fear, and love better than anger. In that moment, I decided to feel good. I wiped my tears away and squeezed Christoff’s hand. “I love you, Christoff.”
“I love you, too, Gia.”
Chapter 6
After the incident on Rodeo, I started to become slightly jealous and possessive. Deep inside, I trusted Christoff, but I was still getting used to dating such a sought-after rock star. For a week, I kept having recurring nightmares that Arianna Turlington, Bianca Hathaway, and the redhead from Rodeo were all teasing me, telling me I wasn’t good enough for Christoff. In each of the nightmares, one of them made out with him in front of me. I always woke up sick with jealousy. This morning was no different.
Christoff was downstairs in our gym working out, and I was in bed soothing myself after yet another nightmare. I grabbed my phone and checked Facebook to busy my mind. I scrolled through the newsfeed for a good ten minutes and clicked like on a few of my friends’ cute baby pictures. I was mindlessly scrolling away when a picture knocked the wind out of me. Bianca had posted a picture of herself with Christoff from Instagram. She was kissing him on the cheek. They looked so happy. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. The caption said: “With the hottest guy in showbiz.” I wanted to throw up. I was so sick with jealousy that my eyes stung. I flung the sheets off of me and marched downstairs to our basement. Christoff was on the weight bench with the barbell in the air.
“Christoff! Explain this.” My voice came out shrill and tense as I walked toward him, waving the phone in the air. He was so startled that he almost dropped the weights. He slammed them down back on the rack before sitting up.
“What is going on now, Gia?” He sounded annoyed.
“There is a picture with you and Bianca on the Internet,” I seethed. “Look! And don’t accidentally click like or share.” I felt like my blood was boiling as I thrust the phone in his face. He took it from me, glanced down, and gave it back to me.
“Gia, why are you freaking out on me? There are pictures with me and lots of people on the Internet. This was taken at a party a long time ago.”
“I don’t like it being there!” I continued to wag the phone in his face. I was steaming.
He snatched the phone out of my hand. “Gia, calm down. I can’t control what people post about me on the Internet. It’s obviously a memory from the past. It has nothing to do with the here and now, and it has nothing to do with us.”
“Christoff, even if it is just a memory from the past, if she’s posting about you today, it means she must be thinking about you, which means you must have been talking to her recently.”
“How many ways do I have to say it? I’m telling you, I had nothing to do with her posting that picture. Now drop it.” His jaw was clenched and the veins in his neck were prominent. I knew that I should probably let him cool off, but I was so upset that I couldn’t let it go.
“I saw how you were with that girl on Rodeo last week and now this. I’m not stupid, Christoff. I think you’re talking to other girls behind my back.” I folded my arms across my chest.
Christoff looked down and squeezed the bridge of his nose before looking back up at me. “Look, Gia, I’m trying not to lose my patience with you, but you are really pushing me. Do you know how shitty it makes me feel when you accuse me of being a liar? I’ve made my mistakes in the past, but I have been nothing but good to you. Every day, I work hard to show up for you and be the man that you deserve, but you keep telling me it’s not good enough. Your accusations are getting out of control. I don’t like it at all. I feel like I’m hurting you, which makes me feel awful, even though I know I’m not doing anything wrong. This is not good for either of us. I think you need to think about what you really want.”
“I know what I want. I want you to be loyal to me. What do you want?”
“I am loyal to you. What I want is for you to trust me.”
“I’m trying, but it’s hard with pictures like this in my newsfeed.” I held up my phone.
“I’m in the public eye, so there are going to be pictures of me with people everywhere. But if Bianca bothers you that much, then just unfollow her.”
“Okay.” I sulked.
“Look, I need to work on the new album. I’m going to my cabin in Germany to go write. While I’m out there working, let’s put some space between us and take some time to figure out what we want, and whether we can give each other what we both need. I’ll leave late tonight. Hopefully some time to yourself will do you good. I need to relax and focus on my work, and I think you should do the same.”
“Christoff?”
“Yes, Gia?”
“Are we breaking up?”
“Not unless you want us to.”
“I don’t want us to break up for good, but I think I need a break just to sort out some things inside of my head,” I said through tears.
“I think that would be good for you. And, just so you know, I’m not leaving to get away from you. I just need the time and the space to focus on my work. Please take care of yourself while I’m away.”
“You do the same,” I said quietly. Even though I was the one that caused the fight and suggested the break, I felt so torn up inside. Christoff looked lost in thought. All of his muscles were tense. I could tell that he was pissed, and I couldn’t blame him, so I decided to leave him alone. He nodded as he moved past me and went upstairs. I felt a cyclone of confusion and grief storm through me as I watched Chr
istoff walk away. He had been so good to me, and, for the most part, he was so patient with me. I felt awful for pushing him away. I think he was right about taking a break to just work on myself without worrying about whether the relationship would be good for me.
***
I nursed my tea as I sat on the couch feeling dejected and lonely. I wished that Christoff wasn’t so distant when he was writing. At first, I welcomed the time apart, because it gave me time to pursue my own interests and to work on improving myself. But after almost three weeks away from him, my longing was so palpable, it stood like an impermeable wall blocking my productivity and damming the flow of all creativity. The void his absence created was eating me alive. I no longer enjoyed the space between us. Christoff assured me that he wasn’t still mad at me over the fight and that he was just lost in his work. We didn’t talk as frequently as I would have liked, and, when we did speak, he always seemed preoccupied. Although I was in awe of musicians and their creative process, part of me wondered if I was really cut out to date a rock star. My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the intercom buzzing. Who could that be? I’m not expecting anyone.
“Who is it?” I spoke hesitantly into the intercom.
“It’s Axel. I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I’d stop by and say ‘hi.’ I brought my guitar, and I want to get your opinion on some new riffs I’ve been trying out.”
I welcomed the company, and I was thrilled to get a behind the scenes peek at the upcoming album. Christoff hadn’t shared one note of the new album yet. I was excited to get to hear some of the instrumentals.
“I’m glad you stopped by! Come on in.” I buzzed Axel in and unlocked the door as I waited for him to park. I grabbed my brush from off the coffee table, let my hair down, and brushed out my sandy brown locks. I immediately felt foolish, because I knew Axel didn’t care what I looked like, and, even if he did, I knew better than to concern myself with it. Even though I didn’t want to admit it, I found Axel to be quite attractive, and I was drawn to his bad-boy edginess.
Although I knew Axel personally and had hung out with him and the band several times in very casual settings away from the stage and the glitz and glam of show business, I still saw all of the guys as larger than life. I was such a huge Aus Deutschland fan that sometimes it was hard for me to be cool and treat them as normal human beings. I was so in awe of music, it spoke to my soul, and it moved me like no other form of art could. I couldn’t believe that after feeling empty and unfulfilled all week, one of the dreams of a lifetime was going to come true. I would get a sneak peek at an album while it was still in the creative process, and I may even get to have some input. Ohmigosh! I might get to shape the outcome of an Aus Deutschland album. Giavanna Johnson, co-creator to musical geniuses.
A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts. I jumped, even though I was expecting Axel to come up the walkway. I ran to the kitchen and opened the back door.
“Gia! How are you?” Axel pulled me into a bear hug. He smelled really nice. This was the first time I’d been shown affection in far too long.
“I’m doing well, Axel. And you?”
“I’m great. I’m super excited about this song I’m working on. I feel like it’s really good, but it just needs a little more spice to make it perfect. I was thinking that maybe you could help me with that. I need a fresh, non-biased pair of ears on it.”
“Well, Axel, I’m flattered that you want my opinion, but I haven’t played an instrument since the eighth grade, and I don’t know if I would call my ears non-biased. I’m a huge Aus Deutschland fan, so I would probably err on the side of loving every note a little too much.”
“If only all our fans could be so loyal,” Axel laughed. I laughed with him. It was the first time I’d smiled in over two weeks. I took a step back to allow Axel and his guitar room to get through the doorway.
“Come in, come in. Do you want something to drink?”
“Actually, I do, but I don’t trust Christoff’s taste in stocking a good bar. He’s a big beer guy. I’m a whiskey man.”
“Well, Axel, you’re in luck. Christoff didn’t stock the bar—I did. I actually went to bartending school once upon a time, and I happen to have impeccable taste in whiskey. Would a double pour of Macallan 1939 suit your liking?” Axel’s eyes lit up before I could finish my sentence.
“Oh man, really!?” he exclaimed incredulously. “You have Macallan 1939? Most women don’t even know about that, let alone keep it stocked in their bar. I must say, I’m impressed.” I was beaming with pride. German rock star Axel Dietrich impressed with me? No way.
“Well, I’m always delighted to please my guests. Would you like it cut with water?”
“Oh no, of course not. I just like it straight. Do you want to do a shot with me?”
“I don’t do shots, and Macallan is not a drink you slam. This is a sipping whiskey, Axel. Is there no one in your life to teach you any culture?” I teased.
“I’m a man with a lot of rough edges, and, unfortunately, I don’t have anyone special in my life to smooth them out. But for tonight, since you have been gracious enough to host me, I’ll try to pretend to have some class. I’ll take my Macallan up.”
“I’ll take mine on the rocks.” I smiled as I went behind the bar to the liquor cabinet. The Macallan 1939 was so special that we didn’t even keep it out. I was really happy Axel had stopped by. It felt good to have someone to entertain. What good is a ten-thousand-dollar bottle of whiskey if you have no one to drink it with? I had been so used to being lonely that I almost forgot what it felt like to have company and companionship.
I handed Axel his drink. “Let’s take these to the living room so you can relax and get ready to share one of your musical masterpieces with me.”
“Musical masterpiece? I must say you sure know how to make a man feel like a rock star.”
“I hope you live up to the high ideal I have of you in my head. I’ve always thought you were an extremely talented artist.”
“Well, thank you. You certainly have good taste in music. It’s almost as good as your taste in whiskey.” Axel raised his glass. “Cheers to being awesome and enjoying the finest of everything.”
“Cheers.” I clinked my glass to his and took a slow deliberate sip. It burned going down, and the potency of the alcohol made my cheeks flush. I took another sip. I welcomed the warm, soothing feeling that such a fine whiskey brought.
“It must be lonely in this big house all by yourself.” Axel looked around the spacious living room before taking a seat on the sofa. I could tell he thought highly of himself and his status by how much space he took up. He sat with his legs far apart, and he stretched out his arms across the back of the sofa. I tucked my legs under my body and squeezed onto the empty cushion on the far end of the couch.
“It’s quiet, but it’s not so bad. I’ve been able to get a lot of work done. And I hope that Christoff has been able to get a lot of work done while he’s been gone.”
“If I had a gorgeous girl like you at home waiting for me, I wouldn’t be able to get anything done. I’d be too busy trying to figure out how I could get back next to you.” I couldn’t help but to smile, but my feeling of flattery soon turned to sourness as I realized how much I resented Christoff for leaving me for so long. Even though we were kind of on a break that I suggested, I still wished that he would check in more.
“We all know Christoff is extremely focused. Nothing comes between him and his music…not even me.” I forced a smile so it wouldn’t seem as if I was complaining.
“Well, I know Christoff, so I believe what you’re telling me, but I can’t wrap my head around how any man in his right mind would leave an irresistible woman like you alone for more than a day.”
I was so flattered that I blushed. I didn’t know if he was being sincere, but Axel had me melting. I took a long sip of whiskey to take the edge off. I absentmindedly played with my hair as I watched Axel empty his glass in a few fluid sips.
�
�But anyway, your personal life is none of my business.” Axel’s gaze lingered for a few seconds. “Would you mind pouring me another drink?”
“No problem, Axel, whatever you want.” I smiled. For some reason, I was eager to please him, and I didn’t know why. I would like to think that I wasn’t so shallow as to be eating out of the palm of a man’s hand just because he called me pretty or just because he’s a rock star, or, even more superficially, just because he’s a rock star that called me pretty.
I crawled off the couch and sauntered over to the bar. I had only drunk a third of my glass, and already I was a little unsteady on my feet. It had been a long time since I drank hard liquor, and it was really hitting me. I poured Axel another drink and brought it to him promptly.
“Do you need anything else while I’m up?”
“Nope, just your undivided attention. I’m going to play three different versions of one master riff and see which one you react to most.”
“Awesome. I’m all ears.”
“Do you have an amp here, or do I need to grab mine out of the SUV?”
“We have all kinds of equipment down the hall. Here, follow me.” I led Axel down a corridor and into a walk-in closet. I turned on the light inside the closet and saw there was an amp sitting off to the side. I walked forward and bent over to pick it up without realizing that Axel was right behind me. When I stood upright I felt his body pressed against me, and the weight of the amp caused me to fall back against him. His body was warm and hard. I was flustered by the involuntary reaction I was having.
