by Lily Morton
I enter the hospitality room ten minutes later after changing my clothes and redoing my make-up. I’m wearing a tight, long sleeved, black and white striped dress that hits mid-thigh with my black Converse, and over the dress I’ve layered a short sleeved, red t-shirt with the number 69 printed on it. I’ve left my hair wavy and loose, and I really hope that I don’t look too much like I was nearly shagged sideways into a wall by the lead guitarist. However, no make-up will cover my lips which look full where he bit them, and I’m still very flushed despite splashing cold water on my face. I was tempted to splash it down my knickers but I don’t actually have them anymore because they’re in Sid’s pocket. I also don’t think anything will get rid of the deep throbbing that he put there.
I pause at the door and blush when I’m greeted with a huge cheer, and Charlie buzzes towards me and scoops me into a tight hug. “Thanks so much Nelly,” he whispers, and I can’t even tell him off because he looks too happy.
“It was nothing.”
He shakes his head. “It’s not nothing, it’s everything.” He pauses and then says in a rush. “I don’t let many people in Nell, but you’re there babe now. You’re part of my family and I’ll do anything for them.” I gulp back tears, feeling unbearably touched.
“Thank you Charlie, that means a lot to me. Anyway, congratulations daddy.” He smiles but just for a second I think that a shadow falls over his face and then I think I must be mistaken because he draws me towards a man standing to the side of him. He’s very tall and tanned with an unruly head of blonde waves. He also looks somewhat familiar.
“This is Cameron,” Charlie says and I smile as I recognise the name. He was a massive DJ a few years ago who has since moved into record producing. He’s famous for taking unknowns and propelling them into stardom and transforming the singing careers of established stars by taking them in new directions.
“Hello.” I smile at him. “Nice to meet you. I loved your last album, particularly that song you did with Jax Jefferies. That was brilliant, and so not him.”
He laughs. “It was a good song,” he concedes in a deep voice that mingles Scottish and American accents. “I have to say though that the effort involved in getting the fucker through it almost outweighed the result.”
I laugh, surprised because he’s being shockingly candid. “Was he that bad?”
“He’s like a two year old on speed but he’s a good bloke. We’re recording again next month so I’ll have to invest in some strong hair dye to cover my new grey hairs.”
Charlie laughs. “Fuck, I’d hate to hear what you’d say if you worked with us.”
“I’m sure we’d be fine,” he drawls, looking at Charlie with interest. “I’ve told you before, you name a day and I’ll be there. I’d love to work with you guys.”
“Maybe,” Charlie says non-committedly. “We tend to work best with the four of us and none of us play well with others. We just don’t like being told what to do I’m afraid.”
Cameron shrugs. “I don’t think it’d be like that. Yes, I’ve got strong opinions but I’m quite amenable.”
Charlie smiles. “Sure you fucking are.” I laugh and both men turn to look at me and I notice that Cameron’s eyes are intent on me. Charlie slings his arm round me. “Nell, Cameron saw you tonight and wanted to speak to you.”
“About what?”
“I’m not sure, but it’d better not be about poaching you while we’re on fucking tour,” he warns with a real note of threat in his voice. Cameron immediately holds up his hands.
“I won’t. She can stay with you for as long as you need her. Seriously Charlie, I won’t poach her.”
“No you won’t,” I say tetchily. “The band gave me a job to do and I’m enjoying doing it. They have my loyalty and if you knew me you’d know not to talk about me as if I’m just going to do as I’m told. I’ve got a brain and a mouth and I use both quite well without assistance.” Charlie gives out a shout of laughter and hugs me.
“That’s my girl,” he chokes. “Well, Cameron I’ll leave you with her. Do feel free to cup yourself if you feel threatened. We won’t think any less of you.” Laughing out loud again he wanders over to Mabe, swooping down on her and kissing her until she shrieks.
Smiling fondly I watch them for a second and then turn back to Cameron to find him watching me with an intent look on his face. “Not fallen under Charlie’s spell then?” he asks idly, swirling the wine in his glass.
I narrow my eyes at him. “He’s a married man Mr Mitchell, not to mention my boss, and I never use company ink in my inkwell.”
He laughs and I feel someone’s eyes on me. Looking up I see Sid staring at me. Our eyes entwine for an endless moment as what happened in the cupboard seems to flash between us, before his gaze moves to Cameron standing close to me, and then his eyes harden and he looks away. Breathing out a measured sigh I turn to see Cameron looking at me. “Hmm,” he says. “I see.”
“You see what?”
“A lot more than you do that’s for sure. How long have you and Sid been together?”
“We’re not together.”
“Really?” he asks in patent disbelief. “I’ve known him a long time and he’s had a lot of women over the years but I’ve never seen him bothered by one before.”
“He’s not bothered by me,” I protest, feeling my face warm. “Anyway, I’m not sure how appropriate this conversation is. You don’t know me.”
He smiles slowly. “Well he doesn’t either does he? I mean he hasn’t got a clue who you are. None of these boys have.”
I feel the colour leave my cheeks and look at him frantically. “How did you know?”
“I recognised you instantly. Well, maybe not instantly, the red hair confused me for a bit. But as soon as you opened your mouth I knew. You can’t forget that voice. I saw you once at Brixton Academy.”
“Did you?” I think back to that night which is now hazy with time. He smiles, looking alarmingly like a lion playing with its food.
“Yes, you were fucking brilliant honey. The energy in the crowd was like being plugged into a socket.” He turns serious suddenly. “Why the fuck aren’t you doing that anymore? Someone as good as you can’t just give it up like that.”
“Things happened,” I say in a low voice, looking around to see if anyone is listening.
“I know. I’m so sorry, but even so that was a few years ago. Why is someone like you playing second string? You should be out front. Are you still writing?”
“Look, stop.” I’m agitated now and aware of movement which is coming sharply from my right. “You don’t know me and you certainly don’t have the right to ask questions of me. That girl is dead and asking prying questions isn’t going to bring her back to life.”
“I want to bring her back.” His eyes switch behind me and over my head and I feel an achingly familiar warmth at my back. “Sid,” he says smoothly. “You’re looking fucking good mate and I have to say you’re back to your best, if not better. You sound so sharp now.”
“Why are you upsetting Nell?” Sid growls and the two men stare at each other, Sid bristling and Cameron smirking, while I become anxious. This could spiral out of control and Sid could find out too much if Cameron loses his temper.
“No he isn’t Sid,” I protest. “We were just talking.”
“It didn’t look like you were just talking. You looked upset.”
“I did not.”
“Yes you did. Now what did he say to you?”
I open my mouth but Cameron beats me to it. “I want to work with Nell,” he says calmly as if he hasn’t got 6’4” of agitated male clenching his fists in front of him.
My ‘what?’ is drowned out by Sid’s explosion. “I don’t fucking think so mate. You’ve fucked everyone that you’ve ever worked with.”
I open my mouth to protest at him thinking that he has the right to talk for me, and also to support a woman’s right to do what she wants, but I don’t get a chance and Cameron talks over me
. “Not everyone,” he says smiling. “Eminem took some smooth talking!” Sid is expressionless and Cameron switches tack. “I don’t mean now anyway,” he carries on swiftly and I feel Sid calming down. “I want to work with her when the tour’s finished.” Sid stares at him and I can feel him vibrating next to me with some unnamed emotion. “You know she’s good,” Cameron finishes quietly. “Don’t hold her back from becoming what she should be.”
“That’s a really inappropriate thing to say. Sid would never…” I start to say hotly but Sid stirs, and turning to look at him I see the fight draining out of him and the familiar sadness seeping back in.
“He’s right Nell,” he says quietly. “You’re so fucking amazing babe. You should be doing more than standing next to me on stage.” I open my mouth to protest but he just smiles, squeezes my shoulder and moves away back to Charlie who is looking at him in a concerned way.
I turn back to Cameron only to find him standing there with an arrested look on his face. “What?” I ask sharply and he looks at me.
“Never thought I’d see the day,” he says cryptically and then before I can question him he puts his hand in his pocket and draws out his card. “Call me,” he says directly. “I mean it Nell. Call me when you’ve finished and we’ll take it from there. I really want to work with you and I want to see your writing. I’ve been feeling quite jaded lately, but you, you I want very badly.” He smiles at me, I think in warning. “I always get what I want.” Then he’s gone, slipping back into the crowd. I hold his card gingerly as if it might burn me and then pop it into my pocket. I decide to think about it later and decision made I wander over to Mabe who’s sitting on one of the settees holding a glass of orange juice. She looks a bit pale but still enormously happy.
“Oh my God.” I bend down to give her a hug. “Congratulations. Are you alright?”
She returns the hug tightly. “Fine thanks babe, and well done for earlier.”
“Did you see any of it then because it looked like you fainted?”
She blushes. “I feel so stupid. Yes I fainted, but I came to pretty quickly, and then it took five minutes to convince Charlie not to take me to the hospital.”
“Had you known long?”
“No, I’d suspected it this week, but I’ve been a bit irregular anyway because of all the travelling we’ve been doing. I bought a test and did it this afternoon. I was going to tell him later but circumstances change.” She shrugs.
“What did he say? Was he happy?” As if one we turn towards Charlie who’s talking somewhat maniacally to a group of people who are laughing. I flush as I catch the eye of Sid who’s standing next to him and is noticeable because he isn’t laughing. He stares back at me and I swear that I can feel his hands on me, like phantom fingertips. I shudder and it seems to take a minute for him to drag his attention back to Charlie but when he does he frowns and then stares at Mabe. They exchange a shrug loaded with that unspoken meaning thing that they often do, and she sighs. Catching my eye she gestures to Charlie.
“He is happy,” she says, sounding somewhat unconvinced.
“But?”
“This is private,” she begins, and I nod and she smiles faintly. “I know you won’t tell anyone Nell. You’re one of us now. It’s like you’ve always been here.” I smile, touched again. “Charlie had a terrible childhood. His dad used to knock him and Sid around all the time. This pregnancy wasn’t planned, and although I know he’ll come round I think that he might be scared for a while. Will you look out for him?”
I’m unbearably touched by her trusting me with someone that’s so precious to her. “You know I will,” I say, squeezing her shoulder. Our conversation is broken by a guffaw of laughter and I look up to see Mick gesturing wildly and I hear the words ‘cupboard’ and ‘fucking’ rather loudly. Mabe grimaces.
“Sid’s up to his old tricks again. He was fucking a groupie in the cupboard earlier. They all get horny after a good show.” I can’t stop my jerk of pain and suddenly she pauses and her gaze shifts between Sid, who is suddenly staring at me again, and myself, and some sort of recognition crosses her face. “Oh my God!” she says loudly and then mutters ‘sorry’ as I gesture to her frantically to be quiet. “That was you?” she whispers.
“Don’t say anything,” I ask quickly and she immediately shakes her head.
“I won’t. You know I won’t. But this is great Nell. I know he likes you.”
I sigh. “I don’t think so. You said it yourself, he was horny after a gig. I might as well have been a groupie.”
“No!”
“Yes. It’s true so don’t sugar coat it.”
“Did he say that?”
“He didn’t need to because he asked me to wait before I came out so that no one would find out about it.”
She pauses. “But that doesn’t mean anything. Sid’s not like that anymore Nell. He’s changed beyond recognition and I know Charlie and I are still surprised by some of the things that he does.” At my look of query she smiles. “The last time we really knew Sid he was a teenager. Once he was on the drugs he changed so much he was almost unrecognizable. Now he’s different, not just because he’s clean but also because he’s a man. Sometimes I think that we all still expect the kid.”
“Well, nothing’s going to come of it so please keep it to yourself,” I say briskly. “I’m sure we’ll slot back into the friendship we’ve been building without any awkwardness.” Ignoring her dubious look I kiss her goodnight but all the time I’m aware of Sid’s brooding stare that follows me as I say my goodbyes, and I can’t help but think that I might be wrong and that we might have started a fire tonight that won’t burn out cleanly.
Eight
Back at the bus I can’t settle. My skin feels tight like I’m trying to come out of it and I can feel myself throbbing. My cheeks grow hot and I press my hands to them recalling the events of earlier in flashes: his skin against mine; the sight of the dark pubic hair growing around his long, thick cock; the sounds we made; the feel of him and the look on his face of pleasure and agony. What are we going to do now because it’s impossible to ignore this, especially now that it’s happened twice? Just the thought of it makes me squirm and I pace a few steps forward and backward. It’s lucky that there’s nobody on the bus with me because I must look like a complete maniac at the moment. Everyone else has stopped at the party helping Charlie and Mabe to celebrate and the silence is making my thoughts close in around me.
A thought occurs to me and at once I move to my wardrobe to get my running clothes out. What I need right now is to run with nothing but the music from my iPod in my head. That will clear my brain and give me a chance to think, because I do my best thinking when I’m running. Decided, I pull out my black running shorts with my black and orange striped tank, pull them on and then bang my feet into my old running shoes. I pull my hair back into a stubby ponytail and push my iPod into the holder on my arm and then move down the bus to the door.
“Where you going?” asks Dave appearing from the front of the bus.
“I’m just going for a quick run,” I say, smiling at him.
“At this time of night?” he protests, looking out of the window.
“It’s not that late. I’ve run a lot later than this. Don’t worry about it Dave, I’ll be fine.”
“I don’t think Sid’s going to like it. You know what a fuss he made when you walked back on your own in Paris.” I do remember. It had been loud and had ended up with one of the security guards taken off them and put on me instead.
“Never mind Sid,” I say, coaxingly.
“What about Simon?” he asks, referencing my burly security guard.
“He dropped me back at the bus and he’s gone back to the party. He obviously thinks that I’ve gone to bed. Don’t worry about it Dave. I’ll be fine. I’m only running round the park. I’ll stick to the best lit areas and I’ll be back before you know it.”
“I’ll come with you.”
“I thought you had to stay
with the buses.” He sags in defeat and I smile at him and move past him determinedly. He’s not my dad and as much as I appreciate the concern I’ve got along just fine on my own for years. “See you later.”
“I’m timing you Nell,” he shouts. “If you’re not back in thirty minutes I’m calling Sid.”
I wave my hand in agreement because I’ll be back long before that, and then push myself into some stretches to warm up and then I set off. At first it’s hard because after coming like I did with Sid the only thing my body really wants to do is crash out, but after a few minutes my body relaxes into the familiar rhythm and I settle into my strides, feeling the air clean and cold in my lungs and the movement of my muscles. I don’t put on my music after all because I’m not stupid, and I know the dangers of running alone while deaf and insensible to the surroundings. I also keep a keen eye on my environment. There’s quite a lot of people milling about after the concert and even a few joggers so I feel fairly safe, and none of them notice me, not equating the singer on stage to the female jogger.
As I run I think about the events of tonight. The almost sex had pushed the fact that I’d been front of stage for the first time in three years to the back of my mind, and now I allow it to come forward. I remember the familiar feelings of power and elation that I’d always felt, but to my surprise, although I dig deep, I can’t feel any of the old urges to do it again, and I realise that I don’t need that at this point in my life.
Being with Sid and the band, playing music with them and sharing the rhythms of the day satisfies me in a way that I haven’t felt before. It’s a life full of music but without any of the huge responsibilities that I used to shoulder as the front person. I’d always been so focused on keeping the band and Sam together and worried about how everyone was that I’d never relaxed and enjoyed it like I’m doing now. The sheer fact that the band disintegrated so quickly when I took my eye off it proves how easily that happens.
