Trust Me (Beggar's Choice #2)

by Lily Morton

  “What?”

  “I’m happy because you’ve hit rock bottom and you haven’t relapsed at all. If ever you were going back on the gear it would be now when you feel so bad wouldn’t it?”

  “Well hooray for me. Perhaps you could buy me a medal.”

  “I’ll do one better than that my friend. I’ll ask you a question instead, and I want you to think really hard before you give me an answer. If you’re not relapsing when you’re without Nell, why the fuck would you do it when you’re with her?”

  This stops me dead for a second and then I slump. “I’m not good for her Seth, I’ve said this so many times. Like I said to Charlie maybe this is my reparation, and if she’s happy and healthy it’s worth it.”

  He reaches over and taps the freeze frame of her face. “And she looks happy does she? Granted she’s cleaner and better put together than you which isn’t difficult.” I flip him the finger and he smiles, but becomes serious again. “If you look closely at that photo Sid you’ll see that the two of you look like twins. You’ve both lost weight, dark shadows under your eyes. She’s not happy.” He pauses and then turns fully to me. “Have you ever considered that rather than being your chance at reparation she was actually your reward?” I stare at him silently but he carries on regardless. “You’re a good man Sid. You couldn’t hurt Leah, and I know full well that you’re paying for her rehab. What makes you think that you’d hurt Nell when you love her a million times more than you ever did Leah? Would you die for her?”

  “Without a second’s thought,” is my instant response, but I’m struck dumb by his next words.

  “Why won’t you be brave enough to live for her then Sid?”

  Silence falls and I see Charlie nod emphatically. “You know he’s right Sid,” he says and I do. It’s a blindingly simple revelation that I wish I’d had a month ago, but perhaps I needed to go through this in order to trust myself enough with her.

  “I’m going to her,” I say suddenly, and Charlie grins. At this point his phone rings and he pats me on the shoulder, wandering off to take the call. Seth, Bram and I stare at each other. Bram opens his mouth to say who knows what, but he’s interrupted by the strident tones of our new manager Anita. I’d taken the greatest pleasure in getting rid of Bill when we got back off tour. Anita had come highly recommended and we’d actually known her for quite a few years. Fiftyish, she’s a tiny bundle of energy with black bobbed hair, scarlet lipstick and an extremely caustic attitude. She comes marching over, displeasure written all over her face.

  “Oh no! Who gave this sad dipshit that video? Boys we discussed this.” Bram and Seth look like little boys for a second, and then Seth rallies, bravely, in my opinion.

  “Anita, he needed to watch this.”

  “Yes, and when he’s done wallowing in angst I’ll lend him my Ladyshave and he can trim the vagina that he appears to be growing.” Both men gasp like schoolgirls, and I can’t help it and let out a laugh. “Now for the love of God we need to be filming something so one of you move.”

  Bram stands up reluctantly like a lamb to the slaughter. “I’ll do it but you’re not touching my chest or my junk again Anita. It makes my skin crawl.”

  She cackles and the two of them smile at each other in perfect accord. “I can’t promise that Bramley I’m afraid. It’s the only perk of this godforsaken fucking job.”

  They wander off and I look up at Seth. “I’m going mate. I’m sorry but I need to go now and get her.”

  “I know,” he says patting my shoulder. “You get off. We’ll square it with Anita.” The pair of us wince in tandem and then smile at each other.

  “Thank you. Thanks for waking me up,” I say softly, and he shrugs embarrassed.

  “No need Sid. You’d do it for me.”

  “I will do it.” I stand up and stretch. “I think I’ll go home first and shower before I do anything else though.”

  He laughs. “Think that might be a good idea,” he smirks and then his smile dies as Charlie approaches us still clutching his phone, his face white.

  “What’s happened?” I say quickly. “Charlie, is it Mabe?”

  He swallows. “It’s not Mabe. Sid …” He trails off and I turn to him feeling cold run through me.

  “Is it Nell, Charlie?” I ask through numb lips and then feel my world fall apart as he nods.

  “Sid, there’s been an accident.”

  Fifteen

  Whenever I’ve seen people wake up after an accident in hospital dramas they’ve inevitably emerged serene, with their makeup immaculate and either a good grasp of what has just happened, or total amnesia. Well, I can tell you that it was nothing like that for me. I emerged jerkily and at intervals, with flashes of consciousness followed by darkness again.

  It reminds me of taking my swimming exams in school when one of the last tasks was to jump into the pool in my pyjamas and retrieve a brick from the bottom – yes a brick. I’d voiced my protestations beforehand, those being why would I be outside in my pyjamas unless I was sleepwalking, and if I was sleepwalking why would I wish to rescue a brick? Needless to say my sadist of a swimming teacher had pushed me in and I remember it most for being underneath the water on the bottom of the pool looking up at the light dancing on the water, seeing vague figures and hearing their distant shouts and yet being totally weighed down by that bloody brick.

  This is just how I feel when I wake for the first time. I know I’m conscious but it’s like I’m in a cloud, and I can’t open my eyes no matter how hard I try. For a minute I can’t recall what has happened and then with a sharp flash I remember the cars screeching and the bang. I was in a car accident. My whole body feels heavy and for a split second because of the absence of pain I actually think I’m dead, but then I hear the beeps of some sort of machinery and a low, familiar voice muttering beyond the blur and I realise that I must be in a hospital.

  I don’t know how long I lie there but eventually the words start to make sense, and I realise with a shock that it’s Sid, although his voice sounds different, almost thick sounding.

  “Nell, come on now love. Enough is enough, it’s time to wake up.” Typical I think fuzzily. I’m in a coma and he’s still bossing me around, but then he goes on and my flare of humour dies. “Come on baby please, I can’t stand to see you like this. Please just wake up.” I hear what sounds like a sniff and then wetness hits my hand which is encased by a solid weight, and I realise with shock that he’s crying. My hard, stern boy is crying, and I want so much to help him, but as if I’m on a time limit for consciousness everything goes dark again.

  When I wake up next I can feel light dancing on my eyelids, but try as I might I still can’t open my eyes or move my body. For a horrifying moment I wonder whether I’m paralyzed, but my fuzzy mind can’t seem to grab onto ideas and I float for a second in my cocoon. The machines are still beeping away in their hypnotic rhythm and then shadows pass black over my eyelids and I hear a voice which after several seconds I realise is Charlie’s. “Come on mate, you’ve got to eat and at the very least shower. You’ve been in here for a week and I haven’t seen you change clothing yet.”

  A week - my God I can’t believe I’ve been out for that length of time. I’ve never passed out before, unless you count that time I had all that scrumpy cider at Glastonbury, and I’d only managed fifteen minutes of unconsciousness then.

  Sid’s voice brings me back to the present and I cling to the low, husky tones like a life raft when I can’t concentrate on anything else. “I’m not leaving Charlie, not until she wakes up.”

  There’s a pause. “Sid, we don’t know when she’s going to wake up.” Undercutting his words I hear the unspoken if she wakes up and I think Sid does too because I feel a hand take mine and hold it tight. Don’t leave me I cry out silently, frightened now.

  “She is going to wake up,” he says in a harsh, cold voice. “Even if I have to rout out every specialist in the business, she’s going to wake up and I’m not fucking leaving until she d
oes.”

  “Okay mate,” Charlie says tenderly. “But at least let me get you some food because you’re going to be too ill to look after her when she wakes up if you don’t eat.”

  There’s a pause. “Okay,” and I hear the reluctance. “But I’m not leaving the room. She needs me to talk to her, you heard what Doctor Pacely said, and I’m not letting go of her hand because it helps for her to feel touch.”

  “I get that Sid but perhaps you could have a shower too. Otherwise we might have to get her a gas mask. I happen to know that there’s a very plush shower in this five star room that you’ve got her in. You’re not going far, just in the next room eh?”

  “I will but only when you get back. I’m not leaving her on her own for a second Charlie, ever. She’s had enough of that in her fucking life.” I hear him sniff and then Charlie says ‘Sid’ in the gentlest voice that I’ve ever heard him use, and then the stifled sound of weeping. “It’s my fault,” Sid says fiercely. “She wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me.”

  “No, no mate you only did it for her. It was in her best interests you said.”

  Inside I’ve stiffened because with the force of a tornado I’ve remembered why I was in LA in the first place, and images flicker with dismal regularity across my mind. Sid leaving me in the hotel room, telling me not to love him, kissing that woman and then throwing me out. For a second I actually wish for unconsciousness to come back, but then they’re talking again.

  “It was in her best interests. You know what happened with her brother. I couldn’t put her through that again.” He knows about my brother. I freeze for a second and clarity descends like a flash flood. I know now what Bill did and I know why Sid was so cruel.

  “Sid, you’re such a fucking pessimist sometimes. It doesn’t have to be that way and you know it.”

  “I know it now but what if it’s too late?”

  “It’s not too late mate. You’ve just got to hold onto your girl’s hand and keep believing. Now I’m going to get you some food.”

  Silence descends and I drift away tethered only by that firm hand on mine and his voice, as if in truth he is really keeping me in this body as he seems to believe. Then I hear Charlie’s voice again. “I’ve got you something truly, fucking horrific to eat and your bag’s down there. Mabe packed it for you. Have a long shower, and for fuck’s sake shave that bloody beard off and use deodorant. You look and smell like a fucking tramp and Nell won’t recognise you when she wakes up.”

  “Okay, but here hold her hand like this. You can feel her pulse that way.”

  “Sid, there are at least five very scary machines that are doing that at the moment. What makes you feel that you know better?”

  “I don’t know. I just know that I feel better when I’m holding onto her. Take the piss but I feel a bit like she’s a fucking kite and if I let go of the string she’ll float away.”

  Charlie sounds unbearably touched, and I know that he’s smiling the smile that he reserves only for Sid and Mabe. “Okay Sid I’ll hold onto your kite for you. She’s safe with me, now please shower before I throw up in my mouth.” There’s the sound of movement and then a door shutting.

  Charlie sighs and it’s such a heavy, weary sound. “Nell,” he says low, and inside I jump because it’s almost as if he knows that I can hear him. I’m here I want to shout but still nothing happens. “Nell I hope to fuck you can hear me, and I feel really stupid doing this as if someone with a camera is going to jump out at me, but if it keeps Sid happy and is doing you some good then I’ll do it forever. Please wake up sweetheart. I know things ended badly between the two of you, but God he loves you so much. He’s not an easy person but Jesus when he loves it’s a thing of beauty because he gives all of himself. Only problem in the past is that the women he chose didn’t deserve even a little bit of him, but you, you deserve all of it.” He pauses and sighs again. “I’ve never been so happy this tour you know? Finally, my family was coming together. I’d got Mabe and I’d finally got my Sid back, and that’s solely down to you honey. You gave him back himself because he loves you. He loves you so much and I know what he did was shit, but you’ve got to understand that he did it from the purest of motives. All he wanted was for you to be happy, and he saw a way for that to happen and he took it at a great cost to himself. He’s been a wreck this last month, but he always knew where you were and how you were, and babe he was coming to get you. It’s just that you picked that moment to hurl yourself around in a car.” I feel a shudder run through the hand holding mine. “Nell, you are possibly the only woman that I will ever entrust my brother to, and that’s because I’ve watched you these last few months, and I know that you love him as much, if not more than me. I need you to wake up baby. Please wake up because if something happens to you I can’t see him coming back from that. He won’t have a reason to do it, and I can’t lose both of you.”

  I can hear the real distress in his voice and I want so much to wake up and tell him to trust Sid because he’s stronger than Charlie or he realises, but the darkness oozes up again and takes me under.

  I don’t know how long I drift for this time. Occasionally I rise up and hear voices and feel strange hands touching me, the scratching of pen on paper and I can smell the sharp tang of antiseptic, but always constantly that hard, warm hand with the long musician’s fingers stays on my hand, holding my string so that when I drift, I do it in a vague, secure way.

  I don’t know how long this lasts for but suddenly I rise up and something is different. I can hear Sid’s voice pitched loudly, demanding to know how long this is going to last for, and a stranger who I presume is a doctor. “Mr Hudson, we’re gradually reducing the medication and she’s off the ventilator and breathing freely, so I anticipate it being soon, but obviously I can’t be precise. Injuries such as Miss Slater has can be contrary things, and while one person may wake fairly rapidly, others will stay sleeping.” I feel someone and I’m hoping that it’s Sid, kiss my hand.

  “She always did have trouble getting up,” he says in a choked voice, and I’m sure that I hear Bram’s voice say something low in the background. They go on talking and I try as I normally do to move. I want so much to talk to him, and to my utter astonishment my eyelids flutter for once and at my inner command they slowly open.

  The light is utterly blinding at first and I close them rapidly, but just as quickly try to open them again. Sid and the doctor are still talking earnestly in the background, but suddenly my eyes focus and the first thing that I see are Bram’s hazel eyes peering incredulously at me.

  “Sid!” he hisses.

  “In a minute mate, we’re just going over this again.” I hear the doctor sigh and it makes me want to laugh – my persistent man.

  “No mate, you need to see this.”

  “In a minute.” I can actually hear his irritation.

  “Oh, okay then, no rush.” Bram is pretending to be nonchalant but there’s a thread of excitement running through his voice. “It’s just that I think your woman is trying to wink at me. I knew she secretly felt something for me.”

  “What?” There’s the sound of urgent movement followed by an ‘ouch’ from Bram, and then Sid is bending over me, his blue eyes flaming brightly in a very tired face. “Nell,” he says frantically. “Nelly, sweetheart it’s me.”

  I really want to roll my eyes and say d’oh. I’d also like to tell you that I gave a fine, dramatic speech full of tenderness and meaning. Instead pain seems to rush through me like a train, culminating in my head which feels like it’s going to explode, and all I actually manage to say is a weak sounding, “It hurts.”

  “I know baby, I know. It’ll get better,” he says urgently, making way for the doctor.

  “Hello Nell I’m very pleased to see you,” he says calmly, removing my arm from Sid’s clasp and raising my wrist to feel my pulse. “You’ve had a lot of people very worried about you.”

  “My head hurts so much,” I mumble, feeling like my tongue is too big for m
y mouth.

  I hear Sid mutter ‘fuck’ and Bram telling him to calm down, but the doctor reaches forward and pushes something on the bed, and almost instantly a warm feeling runs through me, obliterating the pain and making me feel like I’m sitting in a warm bath of tea.

  “Nothing to worry about. I’d be surprised if it didn’t. I’ve just given you something to kill the pain.”

  “Sleepy,” I murmur and I feel the dark closing in on me again.

  Sid says something that I can’t understand which sounds extremely panicked, but the doctor responds calmly. “It’s fine Mr Hudson. This is a normal sleep now. She’s woken up properly so let her sleep for now because it will be a healing sleep.”

  When I wake up again I open my eyes fully without even having to will myself to do it. The room is dark now apart from the glow of a nightlight and very quiet, so I presume that it’s night time. I lie still for a second trying to work out whether if I move that awful pain is going to come back, but although my head does still hurt it’s more manageable now.

  My hand is resting on something soft and looking down I see Sid asleep in an awkward position, sitting in a chair but slumped forward with his head next to me on the bed. The ever present hand is there tethering my arm to his, and it looks very much like he put my hand in his hair himself, and I ache that he felt the need for such comfort.

  I lie for a while letting him sleep and enjoying the opportunity to see him so unguarded. He’s always such an active man with such a fierce concentration that it’s strange to see it missing. He looks much younger, his long eyelashes lying on his cheeks, but he’s a lot thinner than when I saw him last with hollowed cheekbones and a mouth that’s drawn tight with what looks like pain even in his sleep. His hair is longer and I experimentally turn my hand letting my fingers drift through the shaggy waves and smelling the familiar sweet scent of his shampoo.

  My movements must disturb him because he stirs and his lashes flutter for a second before he opens his eyes. For a second he looks blearily at me, and then as if processing that I’m awake he jerks up, making me wince as he moves me sharply.