by Lily Morton
“Should I employ a nurse?” Sid asks.
“I don’t think so. Nell is a very healthy, fit woman. She’s healing nicely and should be back to normal in a month or so. Any concerns ring me any time of the day or night. You have my number I know.” The latter is said with a gentle sarcasm and Sid flushes. I wonder how many times he’s rung him. The two men shake hands and Doctor Pacely wishes me a speedy recovery after I thank him, and then we’re alone again.
“I do think that you might have asked me whether I actually want to come and stay with you,” I say indignantly. “I have a perfectly good room at a very nice hotel.”
Sid looks at me fully for the first time in a week and sighs wearily. “I actually don’t give a fucking shit whether you want to stay with me or not Nell. It’s a fait accompli. You are staying with me until you’re better again. I’ve checked you out of the hotel and settled the bill. Your bags are packed and everything’s been moved to my place so get used to it.”
I grumble inarticulately and he leans over me until his face is a bare centimetre away from mine. I gulp, looking at his full lips and weary, beautiful eyes and he smiles challengingly. “Nothing to say?” I shake my head. “Good, and don’t worry. I’ll make sure Cameron gets the message too.”
Sixteen
He comes to fetch me the next morning wheeling a wheelchair and accompanied by a nurse, and I blink at the sight of him. He’s wearing grey shorts with a black Ralph Lauren polo shirt and Adidas black and white Sambas, and he looks gorgeous and tanned and better than he’s looked since I’ve seen him again. I’m waiting on the bed, my small bag that Mabe packed for me for the hospital at my feet. She also brought me a change of clothing this morning, so I’m wearing a sky blue patterned, strapless maxi dress which she said would be nice and cool and comfortable for travelling as well as being loose around my wound.
Sid shoots me one hot glance and then gathers the bag up in one hand, holding his other out to me peremptorily. “Are you ready? Have you said your goodbyes?” I nod letting his large hand swallow mine, feeling the familiar tingle and knowing from his sharp look that he feels it too. He and the nurse get me settled into the chair and then he wheels me out carefully.
The nurses are cooing over a huge flower arrangement at their station, and I see a couple of massive wicker baskets on the table behind them, one filled with chocolates and sweets, the other stuffed with what looks like Jo Malone products. I tip my head back.
“You? I ask, and he nods, flushing slightly.
“To say thank you. They work so hard and they’ve been so good to us.”
“Thank you.” I smile widely at him and he falters slightly and then closes his eyes for a second as if in pain. “Are you alright?” I ask concerned.
“Yeah,” he mutters. “It’s just that I never thought I’d see that smile again. It hits me sometimes you know?”
I stare at him while the nurse shoots him approving glances. Finally, after exchanging hugs and kisses with all the nurses and saying thank you hundreds of times, we work our way outside to where a silver Audi SUV is waiting, the paintwork glinting in the sunshine.
“Yours?” I ask with an arched brow. I don’t think that Sid has ever driven me anywhere before.
He nods jerkily. “I bought it yesterday. It’s rated the most comfortable car for anyone in pain.”
I stare at him in amazement. “Who the hell compiles these surveys, and where did you find that random piece of odd information?”
He smiles and for a second it’s like it always was and then he gestures at the car eagerly. “The seats fully recline if you want them to, and they’re really comfortable so you can sleep if you want to. It’s got one of the best safety records in the business.”
He’s babbling now. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him really babble and it’s very endearing. I stare at him. “Did you buy the car just for this?” I ask suddenly and he looks defiant.
“Yes I did, and I don’t want another fucking argument about wasting money Nell. It’s never a waste if you’re okay. While we’re at it there’s a suitcase of clothes in the back that are all new. Mabe and I went shopping for you so that you’d have what you need for the next few weeks, and I don’t want any arguments because it’s done.”
I’m stunned silent, and taking advantage of this he helps me to stand. The nurse exchanges goodbyes and wheels the wheelchair away giving me one last envious look, and then we’re alone. His hands rest around my waist, their heat and strength so familiar to me, and for a second I allow myself to rest against him absorbing that strength that’s such an integral part of him. He looks down and frowns. “I need to feed you up. You’re skin and bones Nell.”
That horrible thought drags me out of my Sid daze. “Oh my God you’re not cooking for me wherever we’re going are you?” I’m allowed to say this because he truly could damage toast. He smiles full out at that and then throws his head back and laughs, while I gape at him my vagina clenching suddenly. He is so gorgeous when he laughs. Lowering his head he catches my stare and he must read something in my face because he tenses immediately, an incredibly hot look crossing his face before the sudden blare of an ambulance racing into the dock distracts him. When he stares back at me the familiar shutters are up and I sigh.
Misconstruing this he exclaims, “Sweetheart you’re tired. Come on, get in the car out of this heat.” I allow him to help me into the car and fuss with the placement of my seat and the fastening of my belt. Meanwhile, my heart pounds at the wonderfully natural way that he said sweetheart.
He comes back around the car and vaults lithely into his seat, fastening his own belt and lowering sexy, white framed, Ray Ban sunglasses onto his face. “If you reach into the glove box I bought you some sunglasses. You might want to wear them because we’ve got a bit of a drive ahead.” I reach in and pull a brand new pair of tortoiseshell Ray Bans out of their leather case. I’d like to lecture him on money wasting, but they’re so welcome against the brightness of the noon day sun that I don’t.
“A long drive? Where are we going? I thought that we’d stay in a hotel or something,” I say, as he accelerates smoothly off.
“We’re not staying in LA.” Something in his tone catches my attention.
“Why?”
“No reason.”
“Oh my God,” I say in consternation. “It’s not because of Cameron is it? Are you doing this because of him?”
He shoots me a glare. “Nell I’m trying to drive. The traffic’s fucking awful over here, so let me drive without having a fucking heavy conversation, eh?”
I give in but I know my instinct is correct and a part of me is smiling because this is what Bram was doing yesterday, and as if on cue my phone beeps.
Bram: By now you should be on the way to somewhere where you and Sid can talk properly. Remember you made me a promise – listen to him, and by the way you’re welcome!!
I smile involuntarily and tap out a reply:
Me: You’re a meddling old woman
Immediately he shoots back:
Bram: I think you mean meddling sexily iconic rock star or 2015 Best Arse in Music as voted for by the readers of Glamour magazine
I laugh and Sid looks over. “Who are you texting?” he asks sharply, and although it’s terrible I just give him a Cheshire Cat smile.
“I thought you didn’t want unpleasant conversations to distract you,” I say sweetly. For a second his fingers whiten on the steering wheel, and then he seems to make a conscious attempt to relax and flicks a switch on the steering wheel. Immediately Massive Attack’s ‘Unfinished Sympathy’ slinks out of the stereo.
“Why don’t you put your seat back and try and sleep,” he says gently. “In the bag at your feet there’s a blanket for if the air conditioning gets too cold for you.” Only he ever remembers how cold I get, and I remember countless times on the tour when he’d sling his jacket over me on the bus, or let me put my cold feet on him in bed without reproach. For a second tears dim my vision
and I don’t know whether he senses it but he reaches out his hand and runs one long finger down my cheek softly. “Sleep sweetheart,” he says in a low voice. “I promise you that it’s going to be okay,” and because it’s him I let him convince me. Snuggling down and pulling the blanket, which I wryly notice is from Ralph Lauren over me, I recline the seat and listen to Shara Nelson’s haunting voice. I’m asleep before the end of the song.
The car stopping wakes me and I struggle to sit up feeling groggy and wincing at the sharp pain in my side. “Easy, easy,” comes Sid’s alarmed voice. “Take your time. I’ll help you out baby.” Pushing my tumbled hair out of my eyes I watch him round the car to my side, and then curiously look around. It’s nearing twilight and we’re parked on a gravel drive in front of a massive wood built house which is all glass and angles like a very funky, expensive two storey chalet. Sid opens the door and lifts me out gently, resting his hand on my back until the dizziness which has become normal when I get up, goes.
“I’m good,” I finally say, and he reluctantly lets go. I straighten up and instantly a welcome breeze hits me. It smells like pine trees and salt and I inhale greedily. In the distance I’m sure that I can hear the sound of the sea and a wind chime sounds out its lonely music. I turn back to Sid to find him watching me intently. “Where are we?”
“We’re in La Jolla, a couple of hour’s drive from LA. This belongs to a friend of mine. He’s let us have it for a few weeks while he’s away on tour.”
“Some friend.” I look around. It’s incredibly beautiful here and very peaceful, and somehow it’s exactly what I need after the organized chaos of the hospital.
As if sensing my thoughts he strokes my hair back from my face tenderly. “We’ll stay here until you’re better again. We’ve got a housekeeper who’ll cook for us but she doesn’t live in, and I’ve organised a nurse to come every day to help you with stuff and check you out. You can lie out by the pool and swim and get some colour back in your cheeks. You can also lie in without someone poking you awake to take your pulse.”
“I thought you did that,” I say softly, and his cheeks redden and he looks uncomfortable.
“Yes well,” he mutters, running his hand through his hair. I stare at this beautiful, complicated man who for some reason wants to look after me, and I’m suddenly swept under by the wave of absolute love that I feel for him. No one will ever live up to him because there’s only one of him, and I wish so much that we could just be together for once without being buried under the weight of bullshit and groupies.
However, thinking of that girl brings me back to the knowledge that while I’ve been thinking he’s been examining my face and for a second his face is full of hope, but then when my mouth turns down he sighs and his shoulders slump. “Baby steps,” he says almost to himself and then more loudly. “Come on. Mrs James the housekeeper has left us some food. You can have a quick look around and then it’s dinner and bed for you.”
“You’re so bossy,” I breathe and he smirks.
“That’s not a new fact.” He pushes me towards the big wooden door, pressing a key into my hands with the instruction to have a wander around while he brings the bags in.
I open the wooden door easily and then meander through the house listening to Sid carting stuff in. He appears to have packed for a year and the boxes and bags pile up in the spacious hallway downstairs. The house is utterly beautiful and I’m definitely in real estate love. It’s very open plan with exposed beams and rooms running into each other. Downstairs is a huge, open plan kitchen and dining room separated from the bright white lounge by a big breakfast bar. There is literally nowhere you could sit that doesn’t have a view of the ocean that pounds away almost right on the doorstep. Massive bifolding doors lead onto a stone patio with wonderfully comfy looking patio chairs and loungers and a pool which gleams azure in the evening light. Stone steps lead off in the darkness and Sid comes up behind me suddenly, making me jump.
“Private beach,” he says, nodding his head towards the steps. “I thought we could take some nice steady walks down there and the sea air will put roses in your cheeks whatever that means. My mum used to say it.”
I stare at him and suddenly tears fill my eyes and run down my cheeks. I’m so touched by the detailed planning and thought that he’s put into this. No one has ever thought that closely about me ever. I knew mum loved us when we were little but as long as we were fed and clothed and not in trouble she wasn’t overly bothered with us. As a single parent her focus was always on paying the rent and bills. I don’t fault her for that at all, but the fact that Sid has thought so closely about what would make me happy touches a well spring of emotion inside me that I can’t hide.
Sid however exclaims in dismay, obviously thinking that I’m unhappy. He pulls me into a careful hug. “Oh sweetheart no. Don’t you like it? If you don’t like it then we’ll go. I haven’t unpacked anything yet so we can just piss off and find somewhere else. I know I said that I didn’t want to go back to LA, but if that’s what you want then of course we’ll do it. We can stay at my apartment there.”
I stop his earnest flow of words by clapping my hand over his mouth. “Sid no, I’m sorry, I don’t want to go anywhere.”
He sags with relief. “I thought you didn’t like it.”
“I don’t like it. I love it. It’s perfect, thank you so much for doing this for me.”
“You don’t have to thank me for anything,” he says gruffly. “Why were you crying?”
“Because I was happy. It must be the after effects of the operation. I get very teary for no reason. The other day I cried at Countdown.”
He smiles hesitantly. “Well it can be quite sad,” he offers, clearly trying to make me feel better. “Although personally speaking Rachel Riley’s breasts always put me in a good mood.” He dodges my pinch laughing loudly and we smile at each other. Finally almost hesitantly he runs his hand down my face. “Better now?” I nod. “Okay then, I take it we’re staying because I’ll take your bags upstairs. You can have the back bedroom because it’s got the best view.”
“Where will you be?” I ask blindsided, and he sighs.
“I’ll take the other one love.”
“Why?” My voice is small and he sighs again.
“I’m not pushing this babe. We have things to work out. I know that I hurt you and fuck I wish so much that I hadn’t done it.” I raise my hand in defence against the images of that night, and he catches my fingers, gently drawing me to him. “I know I hurt you,” he repeats. “But you need to know what had happened. I never let you in and I should have, but the whole relationship happened so quickly that I didn’t trust myself with you. I’m not going to make that mistake again because it’s too important. We are going to have that talk but not yet. I have things to put in order first so that you’re free, with choices ahead of you.”
“What choices?” I ask, mystified. “I hope you’re not throwing more money at me.”
“Not money as such.” He catches my head and kisses me softly on my forehead before holding me tight and breathing in the scent of my hair. “I hope to fuck I’ve done the right thing,” he says so softly that I almost don’t catch it. Then he sighs and lets me go. “Come on woman let’s get some food I’m starving.” Knowing that I won’t get any more out of him I nod and slide my hand into his that he has open and ready for me, and we turn back to the house.
Later on that night I lie in bed in the beautiful bedroom that he has allocated to me. It sits at the back of the house with a bird’s eye view of the ocean crashing onto the rocks and the beach. The wind has picked up and I can hear the melancholy notes of the wind chime faintly against the noise of the surf which is overpowering when the windows are open.
I’m not afraid to admit that I feel a bit peeved. We’d had a lovely night eating the delicious lasagne that the housekeeper had left us, and then we’d sat outside for a while on the patio with coffee while I read and he answered e-mails on his laptop. Then he’d
left me at my door with a brotherly kiss on the forehead and a muttered goodnight. What’s worse is that I don’t think I quite managed to conceal my chagrin because he had smirked at me before going into his own room, making me feel like a desperate twat when I should have been cool and mysterious.
It’s very late but I can’t sleep, probably because I slept too long in the car. I ache all over and my arm hurts with a dull throb. Thinking about it it’s probably a good job that Sid didn’t want sex because I’m nobody’s image of a red hot mama tonight. It’s just that when we were together I slept well and now I’m alone again I’ve reverted to my old sleeping problems. Most nights I lie awake staring into the darkness while thoughts run through my mind.
I wonder how he sleeps without me, and almost as if I’ve summoned him the bedroom door opens and he slips inside, a dark shadow against the moonlight pouring in through the windows.
“We’re not talking about this,” he warns, and I snort as he raises the covers and slips in behind me, drawing me to him with a deep sigh of contentment.
“Can’t you sleep?” I whisper, and he hugs me tighter and sighs.
“No, but I will do now though.”
“I’m not sure whether that’s exactly flattering.”
“It is and you know it. I’ve always been too busy watching my back to relax properly in bed before you.”
“Well that’s your fault for bringing all those skanks home.” He laughs before shoving his face into my neck and inhaling deeply.
“It’s not that. By the time women came into the picture I was too stoned to think properly. No, my dad was always worse at night when it was kicking out time at the pub.” I tense slightly and immediately relax trying to cover it up because this is the first time that he’s spoken about his dad. There’s silence for a second and then he huffs out a laugh. “Once I woke up from a really deep sleep because he was pulling me out of bed by my hair after deciding that he wasn’t my dad and the next door neighbour was.”
