by Lily Morton
“Why is that funny?” I ask appalled.
“Because Mabe’s mum was our neighbour. I know we were progressive but it was still the 1980’s.” We both laugh and then I run my hand tentatively down his arm feeling the warm, sleek skin and prominent veins. He shudders slightly, leaning into my touch.
“Was it bad?”
He hesitates. “Yes at times. I was lucky really because Charlie always got in his way when it got really rough, but he pulled me out of a deep sleep too many times, and I suppose that’s why I don’t sleep so well.”
“You’re always waiting for a blow,” I say sadly and he snorts.
“Don’t pin too much on it Nell. I’m too old to be bothered by old ghosts.” Except he wasn’t, none of us were. We all lived with scars from our childhoods. They might not be particularly visible but once you had them you always knew that they were there, like invisible ink.
I stroke his arm slowly and gradually his body, which at first had been tense, starts to relax against me. I shift slightly and he tightens his hand stroking one hand down my stomach, making me shudder as if he’s directly exposed a nerve. “Does it hurt?” he asks in a low voice.
“A bit.” I sigh. “I’m trying not to take the painkillers too much. They make everything a bit groggy, although my arm’s aching terribly tonight.”
“I broke my arm once and I remember it aching like a bitch at night,” he offers. “Try not to use it too much.” He strokes me again and I can’t help but shudder. He goes instantly still and then as if he can’t help himself he pushes against me hard, and I feel the tight shape of his erection pushing against me. We groan in unison and for a second we’re pressed so closely you couldn’t get a piece of paper between us, but then he grunts and sets himself back a bit so that his groin isn’t touching me. “We can’t,” he says hoarsely. “You’re still really delicate Nell. I don’t want to hurt you and the likelihood of me being gentle after all this time is quite frankly zero.”
“We have to talk anyway,” I say tentatively, and he tenses before sighing heavily.
“Believe me I know,” he replies grimly. “Now go to sleep Nell,” and to my amazement I do.
I wake up the next morning to a knock on the door. Looking sideways at the bed I realise I’m alone and when I touch his pillow it’s cold. The knock comes again, and rousing myself I shout to come in, holding the sheet up to cover my chest. The door opens to reveal a round little woman with jet black hair coiled in a bun, and a face that looks as if it’s come straight from the illustrations in the Mary Poppins books that I loved as a child.
“You’re awake,” she says sounding thoroughly delighted. “How are you feeling honey?”
“Erm fine,” I venture looking queryingly at her, and she laughs.
“Goodness me. I bet you’re wondering why a complete stranger is asking after you.”
“And in my bedroom too,” I offer dryly and she laughs again, her cheeks creasing happily and I smile at her liking her already.
“I’m Janice, honey, the nurse. Mr Hudson has asked for me to come in every day at first to check on you to make sure that everything is okay, and help you with things like getting ready.”
“Oh, he mentioned something about it.” I sit up and slide onto the edge of the bed carefully.
She immediately offers me a strong hand to support me. “Hurts in the morning does it?”
“Oh yes.” I sigh as I slowly get into a standing position and stretch the sore muscles.
“Well that’ll pass. Give it a week and most of the major aches and pains will have gone and Mr Hudson can relax, bless him.”
“Have you seen him this morning?” I ask casually.
“Yes briefly. He introduced himself when I arrived. Handsome devil isn’t he?”
We smile at each other and then laugh. “Is he still downstairs?” I ask.
“No, he went out I think, after showing me round.”
He’s gone out? I wonder where he’s gone, and then Janice brings me back to normality.
“How about a shower hon and I’ll help you wash your hair. Then I’ll check the wound and dry your hair for you. How does that sound?”
“Like bliss,” I say fervently and she laughs. An hour later I feel much more human, the embarrassment of a shower shared with a Mary Poppins lookalike eased by her supreme unconcern. “I’ve bathed women and men older than you,” she’d said briskly when I voiced my embarrassment.
She pronounces her satisfaction with my wound and the healing of my ribs, and then blow dries my hair until it falls in silken waves around my face. It’s quite long now sitting at the base of my neck, and being brunette again feels right. I opt for a loose, lemon coloured sundress, happy that she’s here to help me with my bra. I’d been bothered by this because being one armed makes putting underwear on difficult, and although I’m not big breasted I’ve got enough to make it uncomfortable to go without a bra. Finally I’m ready, and with Janice’s help I make my slow way downstairs.
Sid still isn’t back and after being introduced to Charlene the housekeeper, a grey haired stern looking woman, Janice says farewell and I’m given a cup of coffee and ensconced on the patio with some toast, while Charlene gets on with her cleaning. I sit for a while, at first reading my Kindle, but I pretty quickly give that up in favour of staring at the sea and idly wondering where Sid has gone. When I look up I start because he’s standing leaning against the door watching me.
“Oh you startled me!” I gasp, laughing and holding my hand to my chest but he doesn’t laugh. Instead he stares at me intently for a second and then comes to my side in three quick strides. He kneels at my side looking at me very seriously, and I start to get nervous. “What is it?” I whisper and he closes his eyes for a second. When he opens them his gaze is filled with determination.
“Do you remember what I said last night about wanting to give you choices?” I nod. “Well I’ve done something that may very well backfire badly on me.”
“What have you done?” I ask nervously as he fidgets with my hand smoothing the fingers out and dropping a light kiss on them.
“I want you to know that if you don’t want to talk to her you absolutely fucking don’t have to. Say the word and she’s gone.”
“Who, Sid?” Dread makes my tone cold and he winces and shifts to one side, and I gasp in astonishment because my mum is standing in the doorway, her hands wringing together giving away her agitation. I look back wildly at Sid and he instantly sits down next to me, crowding me into the side of the lounger.
“I went to see her in London before I flew out when I heard about your accident,” he says quickly, the pupils in his eyes wide with alarm. “Sweetheart you need to talk to each other. It’s one big unresolved mess between the two of you, and it’s bled into all aspects of your life. I’ve never seen such a wonderful person that feels so unwanted and alone, and it breaks my heart. Even if you decide that you don’t want to see her again then at least you will have had the chance to have that talk and you can let go of some of that anger. My therapist at rehab called it closure, and you need that one way or another.” I stare at him and he fidgets. “Say something,” he says finally in a low voice, and I cast another look at my mum.
“Do you think it will do any good?” I finally ask, and he cups my face in his big warm palm.
“It can’t hurt any more than it does at the moment can it?” he says simply, and I sigh in acknowledgement. He drops a warm reassuring kiss on my lips. “I’m going inside sweetheart but I will be right there in the lounge. If you want me just shout out and I’ll come at once, and don’t be afraid to be honest. She’s come all this way to see you so she must be prepared for anything.”
He kisses my forehead and then rises to his feet, passing my mum with an encouraging squeeze of her shoulder and a couple of low voiced words. She looks at him with a world of gratitude in her face, and then he disappears and she turns to me almost hesitantly searching my face.
“Hi,” I say quietly
. “I’m surprised to see you.”
She winces and drifts closer to me, her hungry gaze playing over me, pausing at every one of my injuries. When she’s drawn close she tentatively puts out her hand and touches my hair. “How are you feeling Nelly?” she asks softly, and I start in surprise at hearing her call me that. Misinterpreting my movement as rejection she sighs and settles into the chair at my side, the pair of us just sitting there for a few minutes listening to the seagulls as they dive and wheel above us.
Finally I stir. “Why are you here now mum?”
She looks surprised. “I’ve been here all along. Sid brought me over when he came.”
“Why didn’t you come to the hospital then?” I ask in shock.
She sighs. “Sid didn’t think that it would be right. He said that you were virtually a prisoner in the bed, and it wasn’t fair for me to inflict myself on you when you couldn’t get up and leave. He said I should wait and speak to you when we were both on an equal footing, and then if you didn’t want to talk to me you didn’t have to.”
“That was a bit harsh.” I say this mildly because it was actually completely the right thing to do. I would have felt obligated to talk to her. Now I don’t, and it’s curiously freeing.
“Not at all. He rang me every morning and every night to let me know how you were, and he promised that if your condition worsened at any time he would bring me there straightaway,” she says earnestly, her blue eyes shining. “He’s really a very wonderful man Nell. You’re very lucky.”
“We’re not together,” I say uncomfortably and she looks at me wryly, a sudden flash of her old humour showing and making my throat tighten. It was the way she often used to look at me and Sam in the old days before dad left.
“Really? Have you given him the memo because the man I’ve come to know is definitely yours if you want him?”
A flash of irritation seizes me. “And you know him so well mum? Well I guess you do seeing as you’ve probably spoken more to him in the last few weeks than you have to me in three years.”
She bites her lip hard and a shudder runs through her thin body, and I realise with a shock of something very much like love and pity how old she looks. She nods. “I deserved that. I’ve been a terrible mother to you Nell, and the only thing I can say is sorry, which is woefully inadequate.”
“But why mum?”
She looks out over the sea, her eyes distant and sad. “When Sam died I was lost Nell. I pray to God that you never know the pain of burying a child because it goes against every aspect of nature for your children to go before you. It was such a senseless and stupid way to die. He was so talented and clever and he had such a future ahead of him, and then he was gone just like that.” She clicks her fingers. “When it happened it hurt, and that hurt and pain grew and grew inside me until it was like a cauldron, and after a while I couldn’t see any way to let that pain out because I was frightened that it would drown me. So I buried it and then one day I looked at you and God help me, instead of being thankful that I had this beautiful daughter, I only felt rage. Rage that you were still here and he wasn’t, and reprehensively I encouraged that anger because when I felt it I didn’t feel pain.”
“What about Molly though?” I ask painfully. “You were nice to her and she was the one taking drugs with him. I was just the one trying to help him, and I know that you blame me for dragging him into the band, but I didn’t force those drugs into him.”
“I know.” She takes my hands and squeezes them hard. “I know it wasn’t your fault sweetheart. You’re my brave, clever girl and you always will be. I’m so proud of you, do you know that?” I shake my head stunned, and she nods. “I have all the clippings of the reviews you got and boxes of photographs of you on stage, but I couldn’t say it.” She pauses and takes a deep breath. “Sam’s death was his fault Nell and I’m sorry that I’ve blamed you for that, because out of the three of us you are the only one that doesn’t bear any blame.”
“How are you to blame?”
“Because I babied him and let him get away with everything since he was tiny. It’s ironic that the one I came down hardest on and gave the least amount of nourishment to, grew into this beautiful flower, and the one I really tended to …” She lapses into silence and then after a few minutes she stirs. “As for Molly, I’m sorry. I know what she is and I know that I’ve been used but for the last three years she’s been the closest thing that I had to Sam, but I know now how unhealthy that was.” She pauses and then speaks in a rush. “When Sid came to me I had actually been away at a retreat with the church.” I stare at her in astonishment and she smiles slightly. “I started going a few months ago when you went away on tour and I realised what a mess I’d made of our lives, and I think it’s done me a lot of good. I’ve spoken at length to Father Whitman and just talking to him has helped me come to terms with Sam and what a bad mother I’ve been, and being away in such calm solitude helped as well.”
“You weren’t always a bad mother,” I say slowly, a thousand memories rushing through me of the three of us together when we were little and she laughed more.
She smiles. “That’s kind of you to say sweetheart, but I know where I’ve gone wrong and I’m at peace with it.” I stare at her and I think that’s the difference I sense in her. She’s no longer so tight with anger. She has found peace of a sort. I stir and wince and she catches it. “You’re in pain,” she says and I nod slightly. “I’m going to go now.” I look at her, a protest hovering on my lips where a few months ago there would have been none. She hesitates. “I’m staying at the hotel in town but I’d like to see you again if that’s okay?” she finishes tentatively and I smile.
“I would like that,” I say with a surety that surprises me. I still her as she goes to move past me. “Are you okay for money?” I ask and she looks at me, amazement on her face.
“He hasn’t told you has he?”
“Told me what?”
“He bought me a house Nell.” I gasp in appalled horror. Oh my God he’s spent more money and now my family will be around his fucking neck like a brick, especially Molly. She’ll be like the goose that lays a golden egg.
“He’s done what?”
She must read my face because she winces. “Don’t worry Nell. I’m not here because he’s got money. I would love him if he was penniless because I see what’s in his heart when he looks at you. I’ve gone out and got a job as well at the local old people’s home so you won’t have to send me a penny again.” I look at her in amazement and she laughs. “Anyway he didn’t do it for me. He did it solely for you and he made that quite clear.” I look at her questioningly. “He said that he wanted you to be free for the first time, that you weren’t my carer or my money pit, and that the sooner your responsibility for me was gone the quicker we could go back to being a mother and daughter.”
“And Molly,” I say angrily. “I bet she’s loving this.”
“She’s gone sweetheart. She went as soon as Sid made it clear that he wasn’t paying for her. I believe he mentioned that her bum was getting big through lack of exercise.” I laugh out loud and for a second we smile in total accord, but then I grab her hand.
“Are you okay with that mum?” Her eyes close for a second when I say mum and then she smiles and caresses my face.
“I’m fine darling. I told you I have new friends now, better friends, and I think her going has lanced the poison in me. I just regret all the money that I wasted on her.”
“I’m sure she’ll sell her story,” I say bitterly and she shakes her head.
“Sid paid her off and made her sign something. She couldn’t come back if she wanted to.”
I groan. “More money. He’ll have nothing left when we’re finished with him.”
“I don’t think you’ll ever be finished with that man Nell,” she chides me. “Be careful with him girl. He has a soft heart underneath that hardness. Guard it well because that soft spot is just yours, and that’s a prize worth having with a man.” Sh
e strokes my face again. “I’m going now. Shall I see you tomorrow?”
I look at her searchingly. Sid is right. I either have to let go of this anger, or her, and put like that the choice isn’t really a choice at all. I need her, because despite everything she’ll always be my mum.
“Yes,” I say simply and for a moment she closes her eyes in relief, and then she moves towards the door smiling up at the protective shadow that’s Sid, who’s hovering waiting.
He hands her his keys. “Get in the car Mary, I’ll be out in a minute. I just need a word with Nell.” She looks up at him for a second, and then to his obvious amazement she throws her arms around him and hugs him. He looks awkwardly at me, but then she says something and he lowers his head to hers and talks intently for a second. When she detaches she has tears in her eyes, but she offers him a tremulous smile and a loving pat on his arm and disappears.
He stands there for a second just looking at me until I offer him a wobbly smile, at the first sign of which he instantly lopes over to me, lifting me up gently until he sits down on my lounger, and then lowering me back onto his lap and into a tight cuddle. “Are you alright?” he asks in a low voice, stroking my hair firmly back from my face and I nestle into his touch.
I think for a second, examining my feelings about my mum like I’d touch a sore tooth but finding surprisingly little pain. “I’m actually okay,” I say, and feel him instantly relax.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I feel more at peace than I have in years. I’m still angry at her and regretful for the lost years, but I understand her a little better now and that helps.”
He sighs. “Good,” and then we sit in silence for a second until I stir and sit up to face him, ignoring his immediate protest.
