Uncle John's Fully Loaded 25th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (Uncle John's Bathroom Reader)
Page 11
The virus that causes the stomach flu can survive on a dirty carpet for more than a month.
IVAN MISHUKOV OF RUSSIA
In 1996 Ivan, also just four years old, ran away from the home of his mother and her abusive alcoholic boyfriend, and took to a life on the streets of Moscow. He begged for food, and by sharing it with a pack of street dogs, found companionship and protection. For the next two years, Ivan lived with the dogs, making it through Moscow’s brutal winters by curling up with them. He survived the city’s shadier characters with the dogs’ savage protection. In 1998 Ivan was captured by police—it took several attempts, police said, as the boy and his dog pack were adept at evading them—and was taken to a children’s shelter. He was filthy, infested with lice, violent and snarling, and extremely wary of humans, but Ivan was eventually “recivilized.” (It helped that he had been raised in a home until he was four and that he could speak.) Ivan went on to attend school and live a relatively normal life with a family in Moscow. (His story was adapted into the award-winning play Ivan and the Dogs by British playwright Hattie Naylor in 2010.)
TRAIAN CALDARAR OF TRANSYLVANIA
In February 2002, Manolescu Ioan, a shepherd in central Romania, had to walk through a forest when his car broke down. On the way he came across a large cardboard box—and found a small boy huddled inside. The boy was naked, malnourished, and looked to be about three or four. Ioan called police, and the boy was taken to a hospital. News of the wild boy—who couldn’t speak, growled like a dog, and walked on all fours—was broadcast around the country. A short time later, a 23-year-old woman named Lina Caldarar burst into the hospital: The boy she had seen on TV was her son. They allowed her into the room—at which point the boy spoke his first words since being found: “Lina mom.”
Lina said the boy’s name was Traian and that he was actually seven years old. Lina had run away from her abusive husband three years earlier, she explained, leaving Traian behind because her husband wouldn’t allow her to take him. The boy, she later learned, ran away not long after, and hadn’t been seen since. Doctors and psychologists said Traian could not have survived alone in the woods for three years. His chimpanzee-like manner of walking, the way he sniffed his food before eating it, and the way he growled if someone approached him while he was eating were all indications that he was probably taken in by stray dogs known to roam the Transylvanian forests. Traian was treated for malnourishment and rickets, and has since attended school and is by all reports a “normal” kid today.
Wearing a helmet can reduce the risk of brain injury from a bike accident by 80%.
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BRITISH COMEDIAN JOKES
Each year the funniest comedian one-liners are voted on by the 30,000 attendees of Edinburgh Fringe Festival in Scotland. Here are some of 2012’s winners. (Remember, these are all from the UK.)
“My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism, she wouldn’t fancy her chances.”
—Nish Kumar
“I watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”
—Stewart Francis
“I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics. I just got Bronze.”
—Tim Vine
“I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.”
—Chris Turner
“You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”
—Rob Beckett
“I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.”
—Will Marsh
“Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.”
—Tim Vine
Hogwarts motto: Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus (“Never tickle a sleeping dragon”).
MOON TREES
“Scattered around our planet are hundreds of creatures that have been to the Moon and back again. None of them are human.”—NASA
ORBITAL ORCHARD
On January 31, 1971, Apollo 14 lifted off from Cape Canaveral, Florida, launching astronauts Edgar Mitchell, Alan Shepard, and Stuart Roosa to the moon. Roosa, an Air Force test pilot, had also served as a “smokejumper” for the U.S. Forest Service, parachuting out of planes to help put out forest fires. He and a colleague named Stan Krugman wanted to find out whether tree seeds would still grow after a trip to space.
With the approval of NASA, Krugman chose five varieties: sycamores, sweetgums, Douglas firs, redwoods, and loblolly pines. He chose most of them because they grow well all over the country, and chose redwoods because they are so well-known. He kept an identical group on Earth as a control. “The scientists wanted to find out what would happen to these seeds if they took a ride to the Moon,” said Krugman. “Would the trees look normal?”
APOLLO FORE-TEEN
Apollo 14 is famous for a different experiment: moon golf. While Roosa (and his 500 seeds) orbited in the Kitty Hawk command module 118 miles above the surface, Alan Shepard used a modified lunar collection device to send a few chip shots into the Fra Mauro crater. On the mission’s return to Earth, the seeds were accidentally exposed to a vacuum during decontamination procedures. They were “traumatized,” said Krugman, but after careful attention, they all started growing.
NASA gave away most of the Moon Trees—which is what they’re called—as part of America’s Bicentennial Celebration in 1976. One was planted in Philadelphia’s Independence Square by Roosa and the Forest Services mascot, Woodsy Owl. Each state got one to plant at their capitol building; others went to Valley Forge, the Kennedy Space Center, and the White House. A few ended up in New Orleans at the request of then-Mayor Maurice “Moon” Landrieu. The locations of the rest were forgotten until NASA scientist Dave Williams started looking for them. So far he’s located 83 of the Moon Trees, which he catalogues on a NASA website. One was right under his nose—a 35-foot Moon Sycamore growing right outside his building at the Goddard Space Flight Center in Greenbelt, Maryland.
The X on the Confederate flag is called a St. Andrew’s Cross.
THE TREES TODAY
Moon Trees look and grow like normal trees. Genetic testing shows that they were unaffected by weightlessness or solar radiation, and even exposure to a vacuum doesn’t seem to hurt them. Like any other tree, Moon Trees are susceptible to the weather…and to humans. In 2005 Hurricane Katrina damaged one of Mayor Moon’s trees so badly that it was later taken down. In 2008 the sycamore at the Cannelton Girl Scout Camp in Indiana lost its top half in a storm. One at the Wyoming, Michigan, Police Station was accidentally cut down during a building renovation.
WHERE THEY WENT
In case you’re nowhere near Washington, D.C., or a state capital, here’s where you can find some of the other trees from space:
• International Forest of Friendship, Atchison, Kansas
• Veteran’s Hospital, Tuskegee, Alabama
• Helen Keller’s birthplace, Tuscumbia, Alabama
• Tilden Nature Area, Berkeley, California
• Palustris Experimental Forest, Elmer, Louisiana
• Holliston Police Station, Holliston, Massachusetts
• Forestry Commission Nursery, Waynesboro, Michigan
• Friendship Park, Jefferson County, Ohio
• Siskiyou Smoke Jumpers Base, Illinois Valley, Oregon
• There are two in Brazil—a sweetgum at the Institute for Environment and Natural Renewable Resources in Brasilia, and a redwood growing in the southern city of Santa Rosa.
Termites don’t eat ebony. (But what about ivory?)
NBA DRAFT BUSTS
Being at the top of the draft doesn’t always lead to a stellar pro-basketball career, as these players found out.
SAM BOWIE (1984)
A top high-school player, a star at the University of Kentucky, and member of the 1980 Olympic team, Bowie looked to be a lock for NBA stardom. In 1984 the Portland Trail Blazers took him as the #2 pick—passing over Michael Jordan and C
harles Barkley. But the 7'1" center never lived up to his potential, and had a lackluster NBA career. Over 11 years in the NBA, the injury-prone Bowie averaged only 10 points per game. Ten years after he retired, both ESPN and Sports Illustrated called him the worst draft pick in sports history.
BENOIT BENJAMIN (1985)
A year after Bowie was drafted over future superstars Jordan and Barkley, another soon-to-be middling player was picked ahead of two future legends, in this case, Karl Malone and Chris Mullin. During a 14-year career, Benjamin played for nine NBA teams, none of them in their glory years. While he was one of the best shot-blockers in league history (1,581 total), he averaged only 11.4 points per game and was more notable for committing flagrant fouls and getting ejected from games due to his temper.
GREG ODEN (2007)
As a freshman at Ohio State in 2006–07, the 7-foot-tall Oden led the Buckeyes to the NCAA title game. After Oden’s one year of college play, the Portland Trail Blazers selected him with the #1 pick in the 2007 draft. So how did he do in his rookie season? He didn’t even play. Stricken with chronic knee problems, Oden underwent surgery after training camp and sat out the entire year. In his first game of the 2008–09 season, Oden left the game after 13 minutes with an injured foot, the first of several injuries that would sideline him for more than 75 percent of the time—he hasn’t played in a game since early 2010.
That “thump-thump” your heart makes when it beats is the sound of the valves closing.
DARKO MILICIC (2003)
The 2003 NBA Draft class was one of the best in history, including future all-stars LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, and Dwayne Wade—each of whom went in the top 5. Rounding out the top was #2 pick Darko Milicic, a Serbian pro selected by the Detroit Pistons. But he wasn’t suited to the fast play style of the NBA and after three seasons as a benchwarmer in Detroit, he was traded to Orlando. Then Memphis. Then New York. Then Minnesota. Career average: Six points a game.
PERVIS ELLISON (1989)
The Sacramento Kings had the #1 pick in 1989 and selected “Never Nervous” Pervis Ellison out of Louisville. In college, he’d led his team to the NCAA title, was named best player of the 1986 playoffs, and was an All-American in 1989. But when he turned pro, “Never Nervous” Pervis quickly became “Out of Service” Pervis, benched for the better part of his 11 seasons. He ultimately averaged 9.5 points a game and retired in 2000.
ROBERT TRAYLOR (1998)
After missing the playoffs for nearly a decade, it looked like the Milwaukee Bucks would finally turn things around in 1998—they had the #9 pick in the draft that year and selected little-known German power forward Dirk Nowitzki. Nowitzki became a superstar, eventually winning the MVP award and leading his team to a title. Unfortunately, that team was the Dallas Mavericks, because the Bucks traded him away on draft night. In return, the Bucks got Robert “Tractor” Traylor, a hulking, 300-pound, 6'8" center out of Michigan. Traylor played two seasons in Milwaukee before being traded around the league until 2005, when he failed his physical and went to play in Europe. Sadly, in 2011, at only 34 years old, Traylor died of a heart attack.
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First celebrity food endorsement: The first celebrity to plug a food item is also the first pro athlete to appear on a Wheaties box: New York Yankees first baseman Lou Gehrig, in 1934.
One in five Americans has had an office romance.
THE LAST LAUGH: EPITAPHS
Some grave humor collected by our wandering tombstone-oligists.
In New Jersey:
Rebecca Freeland
She drank good ale, good punch and wine
And lived to the age of 99.
In New York:
Lawrence Cook, Jr.
Ma loves Pa
Pa loves women
Ma caught Pa,
With 2 in swimmin
Here lies Pa.
In Massachusetts:
Lady Coningsby
I plant these shrubs upon your grave, dear wife,
That something on this spot may boast of life.
Shrubs must wither and all earth must rot;
Shrubs may revive: but you, thank heaven, will not.
In Colorado:
I’d rather be here
Than in Texas.
In Massachusetts:
Here lies as silent clay
Miss Arabella Young
Who on the 21st of May 1771
Began to hold her tongue
In Connecticut:
Molly tho’ pleasant in her day
Was suddenly seized and went away
How soon she’s ripe, how soon she’s rotten
Laid in her grave and soon forgotten.
In Colorado:
Bill Blake
Was hanged by mistake.
In Arizona:
Here lays Butch.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
In Vermont:
O fatal gun, why was it he
That you should kill so dead?
Why didn’t you go just a little high
And fire above his head?
In England:
Here lies the father of 29.
There would have been more
But he didn’t have the time.
In Illinois:
John E. Goembel Attorney
The defense rests.
In Massachusetts:
Mary Lefavour
Reader pass on and ne’er waste your time,
On bad biography and bitter rhyme.
For what I am this cumb’rous clay insures,
And what I was, is no affair of yours.
Half of all the 6 million parts on a Boeing 747 are fasteners.
FLYING FLOP: THE LIFETIME AAIRPASS
Has an airline ever lost your luggage? Thrown you off an overbooked flight? Left you stranded at the airport in a strange city? If so, you might want to save this story until you’re on a plane and can enjoy it to the fullest.
GROWING PAINS
American Airlines now flies all over the world, but in the early 1980s, the airline was much smaller, serving the United States, Canada, Mexico, and the Caribbean. They wanted to expand but didn’t have enough money to buy planes for new routes. With interest rates peaking near 20 percent, an all-time high, borrowing the money was out. But what if American could get its passengers to buy the planes?
BUY NOW, FLY LATER
At the time, ticket prices were increasing about 12 percent a year, and travelers were sick of the endless fare hikes. American thought it might be possible to solve both problems at once, by letting customers lock in the price of future travel by paying for it years in advance. The airline came up with something called an “AAirpass.” By purchasing a 5-year pass ($19,900), 10-year pass ($39,500), or 15-year pass ($58,000), a person could fly 25,000 miles a year (in coach) for the life of the pass, without spending another penny. It wouldn’t, no matter how much ticket prices went up.
AAirpasses made sense for frequent fliers, but the real winner was American Airlines. They got the money up front, interest free. To repay it, all they had to do was free up a seat whenever a pass holder wanted to fly. Sales of the AAirpasses helped American fund its growth in the years that followed. The program might have continued, were it not for one thing: The airline also sold a pass good for unlimited air travel, in first class, for life. Lifetime AAirpasses cost $250,000, plus an extra $150,000 if the traveler wanted a second ticket for a companion.
Also found in some ancient Egyptian tombs: chamber pots.
FLIGHTS OF FANCY
Lifetime AAirpass holders received the kind of treatment the rest of us can only dream of. They had access to a special 24-hour reservation hotline for the airline’s best customers, which made planning trips and booking flights a snap. American also gave the pass holders books of blank tickets that they could fill in themselves—they literally wrote their own tickets.
A
t the airport, Lifetime AAirpass holders breezed past the long lines and checked in at the first-class ticket counter. Then, boarding pass in hand, they made their way to the airline’s plush Admirals Club lounge, where they waited for their flights in secluded comfort (complimentary drinks and snacks included), far from the hoi polloi. When it was time to board, they were ushered on the aircraft ahead of everyone else. On the plane, they received the best that first class had to offer, free. Every flight earned frequent-flier miles good for hotel rooms, rental cars, or additional plane tickets. For years, the airline permitted pass holders with the $150,000 companion seat to sell the extra seat whenever they flew alone. There was no penalty for cancelling a flight, ever.
66 PASSES
Wonderful treatment to be sure (even better after the flight crews memorized your name and food and drink preferences) but the passes cost a fortune. Though American sold them for 13 years, in all that time they only managed to sell 66. Most were purchased by celebrities and business tycoons (baseball legend Willy Mays and Dell Computer founder Michael Dell bought them), but a handful were purchased by people of lesser means looking for a bargain.