Uncle John's Fully Loaded 25th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (Uncle John's Bathroom Reader)

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  —Laurence J. Peter

  “In America any boy may become president, and I suppose it’s just one of the risks he takes.”

  —Adlai Stevenson

  “Very little is known about the War of 1812 because the Americans lost it.”

  —Eric Nicol

  “The Americans are a funny lot; they drink whiskey to keep them warm; then they put some ice in it to keep it cool; they put some sugar in it to make it sweet; and then they put a slice of lemon in it to make it sour. Then they say ‘here’s to you’ and drink it themselves.”

  —B. N. Chakravaty

  “America is a land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy and won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.”

  —Bill Vaughan

  “Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.”

  —Robert Orben

  “Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.”

  —Charles Kuralt

  First American to win the Nobel Peace Prize: Theodore Roosevelt (1906).

  THE FIRE ANT DANCE

  If you’re wondering how to get lounge lizards onto the dance floor, here’s the answer. Bring on the fire ants!

  ANT INVASION

  In the 1930s, a few red fire ant colonies were accidentally loaded onto ships bound from South America (their home) to Mobile, Alabama. The stowaways were offloaded at the port and quickly made themselves at home in Alabama’s warm, fertile soil. Because they had left behind all the viruses, fungi, roundworms, flies, and parasites that kept them in check in South America, they quickly spread across the Southern United States.

  Red fire ants (Solenopsis invicta) are extremely aggressive: They not only bite, they sting, injecting their prey with venom that paralyzes it, giving them time to eat their lunch…to the bone. What has happened since the South American fire ant invasion suggests that it doesn’t take millenia for a species to evolve. Sometimes it only takes a tiny insect.

  GET OFF THE FENCE

  Eastern fence lizards (Sceloporus undulatus) were easy prey for the invasive fire ants. These 4- to 7-inch reptiles are known for lounging on sunny fence rails, and not getting worked up about anything as inconsequential as a few bugs crawling on them. In fact, fence lizards are accustomed to staying very still when an insect climbs aboard. They don’t want to scare away an easy, self-delivered meal.

  This strategy worked fine with harmless native bugs. But fire ants are not harmless. They will bite anything that looks like food. If there are enough of them, they can strip a newborn calf down to the bones. Fence lizards? A dozen fire ants can kill a lizard in a minute or less.

  In the early years of the fire ant invasion, adult fence lizards seemed unaware of the danger—they continued to lounge around as fire ants swarmed over them, lifted up their scales, injected them with paralyzing poison, and then chowed down. Good for the fire ants; bad for the fence lizards.

  It was once illegal to sell E.T. The Extra-terrestrial dolls in France.

  Fortunately for the species, young fence lizards displayed a different reaction to the fire ants—they “dance.” Because their scales are softer than an adult’s, they’re more vulnerable. (They’re also only about the size of a house key.) So they react the way most people do when a bug crawls on them: They jump up, shake the insect off, and run away.

  LET’S DANCE

  Like every species, fence lizards have variations in behavior between individuals. Just as some humans stop acting like babies at age four but others still exhibit infantile behaviors into their 40s, some fence lizards stop doing their defensive ant dance earlier than others. Predictably, precocious fence lizards—those that give up dancing sooner—are at a disadvantage when it comes to fire ants. They get eaten. Lizards that carry the dancing behavior into their adult years tend to live longer (because they’re not being eaten alive). Result: Fence lizards that keep dancing have a better chance of passing the dancing gene to their offspring.

  YOU SAY YOU WANT AN EVOLUTION

  Apparently some situations press the fast forward button on natural selection. Invasions are one of them. Penn State biologist Tracy Langkilde did a study in which she compared adult fence lizards from fire ant-infested areas with those from areas without fire ants. She discovered something that Charles Darwin might have predicted: In areas not infested by fire ants, only 40 to 50 percent of the adults danced when exposed to crawling insects. In contrast, in areas infested for at least 70 years, 80 percent of adults danced. Fence lizards exposed to the ant invasion had evolved.

  “They do this big body shimmy, or a body twitch,” Langkilde told LiveScience. “They shake their body to fling the ants off them, and then they run away from the ant mound.”

  Langkilde found one other difference: Fence lizards in fire ant-infested areas had hind legs that were five percent longer than those in uninfested areas. Fire ant exposure, it turned out, had caused the lizards to evolve longer back legs. That extra length adds more velocity to the lizards’ dancin’ and shakin’, which sends the ants flying faster and farther, and it adds greater speed for quicker get-aways from the vicious ants.

  In physics, there are 6 types, or “flavors,” of quarks: up, down, strange, charm, top & bottom.

  IT’S LIKE A SIMILE

  As you may remember from English class, a simile is a figure of speech that compares two things using the words like or as. These literary examples come from Terence Hodgson’s collection Eyes Like Butterflies.

  “The acne on your face is like an ancient map of Ireland after a smattering of napalm.”

  —Desmond Hogan, Martyrs

  “She had skin like vacuum-cleaner bags hanging from between her elbows and armpits.”

  —Clyde Edgerton, In Memory of Junior

  “The elderly American ladies leaning on their canes listed toward me like towers of Pisa.”

  —Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

  “I felt like a small valise that had been used for baggage-handler soccer all the way from Reykjavik to Delhi, including connecting flights.”

  —Toby Litt, Finding Myself

  “Her breasts were like people, two slouching fat white people in caps having a conversation across the four-lane highway of her rib cage.”

  —T. C. Boyle, Drop City

  “He felt like a potato in the soil dreaming of the vodka that was to be made of it.”

  —Penelope Gilliatt, Known for Her Frankness

  “A thought passes through my mind like a cat walking on my shoulders behind my neck.”

  —Harold Brodkey, A Guest in the Universe

  “His tongue rolled in his mouth like a frightened frankfurter.”

  —Angela Carter, Shadow Dance

  “The air felt clotted, sluggish, hot, partisan, and impassioned, like the breathing of a vindictive judge.”

  —Cynthia Ozick, The Doctor’s Wife

  “The hours creep like slugs in a headwind.”

  —Richard Powers, Plowing the Dark

  “The dusk raked like a black searchlight across the hills.”

  —Martin Amis, Dead Babies

  Hedgehogs were a delicacy in ancient Egypt. (They’re supposedly very fatty.)

  UNDERWEAR IN THE NEWS

  Except for those who go commando, underwear is such a common part of our lives that it’s bound to make headlines once in a while.

  HOW’S TRICKS?

  Russell Fitzgerald, chairman of the Abington, Massachusetts, school committee, tried to make meetings a little more fun by opening with a magic trick. Once he made a glass of water disappear; another time he did a rope trick. In September 2011, he tied the corners of two handkerchiefs together and asked a committee member named Ellen Killian to hold the knot against her chest. Fitzgerald and a high school teacher he recruited as an unwitting assistant each held the other corners of the hankies, and at the count of three, gave them a pull. Where the knot had b
een, out popped a bra, creating the impression that Fitzgerald had yanked Ellen Killian’s bra from beneath her blouse.

  A simple illusion, and under other circumstances (a college party, perhaps), fairly innocent and even funny. But the meeting was being broadcast live over the community access cable channel, so “funny” wasn’t how it went over. The trick was met with dead silence. Killian, red faced, returned to her seat, and Fitzgerald apologized, but it wasn’t enough to save him: A few days later, he resigned his chairmanship after 11 years of volunteer service.

  SHOPGIRLS BY DECREE

  In January 2012, Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah issued a decree ordering that the all-male workforce in the ultraconservative kingdom’s 7,300 lingerie shops be fired and replaced by women. This was expected to create jobs for as many as 40,000 Saudi women. Saudi women are traditionally barred from working in retail sales—even in stores that sell women’s underwear—because the job might require interacting with men. (Women buying underwear from male salesclerks was considered permissible because Saudi women are always accompanied by a male relative when they shop.) Since women are prohibited from driving cars, the new salesclerks will still need to be driven to their jobs by a male family member. The decree may spur an increase in domestic sales of ladies underwear—in the past women who could afford to buy their unmentionables abroad often did so to avoid the embarrassment of giving their underwear size to the male salesclerks in Saudi stores.

  In Zimbabwe the importation and sale of second-hand underwear was banned in 2011.

  SOLD!

  One of the ways that the victims of Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff received partial restitution for their $64 billion in losses was through the auctioning off of Madoff’s personal effects, from his mansions, yachts, and cars to his golf clubs, sweaters, pants, shoes…and underwear. One bidder snapped up 14 pairs of underpants for $200; another paid $1,700 for 11 pairs of monogrammed boxer shorts grouped with 138 pairs of “ultra-luxurious Charvet socks” (which retail for $60). The winning bidder, who asked not to be identified, said he was interested only in the socks. “They’re brand new, so I don’t have to buy socks for the next two or three years,” he explained to the New York Post in November 2010. So what was his plan for Madoff’s monogrammed boxer shorts? “They’re a great Christmas gift because it’s not something people would buy for themselves.”

  * * *

  SILLY (REAL) MOVIE MERCHANDISE

  • The Hunger Games cookbook

  • Transformers shaving kit

  • The Avengers hamburger patties

  • Sex and the City thongs

  • Star Wars toaster (puts an imprint of Darth Vader on toast)

  • Letters to E.T. (a book of letters from kids to the title character)

  • Harry Potter slacks.

  • The Incredible Hulk's Hulkie Pokey Hulk. A stuffed animal for kids.

  • Twilight condoms

  • The Passion of the Christ crucifixion nail pendants.

  • Footloose nail polish

  • Planet of the Apes boomerang. Or as it was labeled, a “boom-a-rang-utang.”(Get it?)

  When Henry Royce died in ’33, the red Rolls-Royce monogram “RR” was changed to black.

  “DO YOUR BEST!”

  …and other suggestions from the kamikaze training manual.

  BACKGROUND

  During World War II, Japan had a terrifying secret weapon: A group of pilots who were specially trained to crash their planes into enemy warships, killing sailors and, hopefully, sinking the ships. Over the course of the war, thousands of suicide missions managed to damage or sink hundreds of Allied battleships, killing 3,000 British and American sailors. The pilots’ code name was the “To-Go Fliers,” but outside the military they were known as kamikaze (“Divine Wind”).

  How did the Japanese air force convince these young pilots to give up their lives on suicide missions? With advice like this, taken from their manual, Basic Instructions for To-Go Fliers, which was translated into English for the first time in 2002.

  • “When you eliminate thoughts about life and death, it will enable you to concentrate your attention on eradicating the enemy and reinforcing your excellence in flight skills.”

  • “Breathe deeply three times. Proceed straight ahead on the airstrip.”

  • “When you take this walk, be aware of your surroundings. What are the obstacles: an electric pole, a tree, a hill?”

  • “Many have crashed into the target with wide-open eyes. They will tell you what fun they had.”

  • “You must prepare well your inner self. Some people say that spirit comes before skill, but they are wrong. Spirit and skill are one. The two elements must be mastered together.”

  • “The spirits of your dead comrades are watching you intently. It is essential that you do not shut your eyes so as not to miss the target.”

  • “Keep your health in the very best condition. You cannot deftly manipulate the control stick if you are suffering diarrhea.”

  • “Be always cheerful.”

  Earliest-known picture of a volcano: an 8,000-year-old wall painting in Turkey.

  • “Where should you aim? When diving onto a ship, aim for a point between the bridge tower and smokestacks. Entering the stack is also effective.”

  • “You view all that you experienced in your 20-odd years of life in rapid succession. You may wonder what happened. You may even hear a final sound like the breaking of crystal. Then you are no more. At that moment, all the cherry blossoms at Yasukuni Shrine in Tokyo will smile brightly at you.”

  • “You have lived for 20 years or more. You must exert your full might for the last time in your life. Exert supernatural strength.”

  • “Remember when diving into the enemy ship to shout at the top of your lungs: Hissatsu! (Sink without fail!)”

  • “You will sense that your speed has suddenly increased. It is like a long shot in a movie suddenly turning into a close-up and the scene expands in your face.”

  • “If you are not in top physical condition, you will not be able to achieve an ideal hit by body-crashing.”

  • “In the event of poor weather conditions when you cannot locate the target, don’t be discouraged. Do not waste your life lightly. You should return to the base jovially and without remorse.”

  • “You are two or three meters from the target. At that moment, you see your mother’s face. She is not smiling or crying. It is her usual face.”

  • “At the very moment of impact: Do your best.”

  * * *

  YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE

  In October 2008, an early morning fire ripped through the Resort Hotel in Yamanashi Prefecture, Japan. No one was killed or injured, but enough damage was sustained that Tatushiko Kawata cancelled his wedding, scheduled to be held at the hotel that weekend. A few hours later, police arrested a man who they believed purposely set fire to the hotel: Tatushiko Kawata. He admitted the arson, telling police, “If I set a fire I thought I wouldn’t have to go through with the wedding.”

  Americans throw away enough paper annually to build a wall 12' high from L.A. to NY.

  THE WORST BUSINESS DECISION EVER?

  In Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader, we told you the story of Charles Bennett, who passed on a chance to buy as much as half of the Ford Motor Company for as little as $75,000. Was it the worst business decision ever? Before you answer, consider the case of Ron Wayne.

  APPLE SEEDS

  In February 1974, a 20-year-old college dropout named Steve Jobs answered a newspaper classified ad and landed a $5-per-hour job as a technician at a new company in Los Gatos, California, called Atari. If you’re old enough to remember the 1970s, you probably remember the name: Atari is the company that essentially invented the video game industry when they introduced the game Pong in 1972.

  At Atari, Jobs soon earned a reputation for being, well, a bit of a jerk. He was brilliant, and he knew it. He was also quick to let his coworkers know when
he thought he was smarter than they were. He called them names to their faces. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Jobs, who was a vegetarian, had somehow gotten the idea that his meatless diet eliminated his body odor. That, he felt, made it unnecessary for him to bathe regularly, so he didn’t. (But he did soak his dirty bare feet in workplace toilets.)

  BEEN THERE, DONE THAT

  As anyone who worked around Jobs during his Atari days would assure you, conceit does not win you friends, and vegetarian diets do not eliminate body odor. The stinky, stuck-up prodigy was soon banished to the night shift, where his brains could be put to work for the company without his offensive personality and pungent aroma driving coworkers out into the street.

  One man at Atari that Jobs did get along with was the chief draftsman, Ron Wayne. Jobs was intrigued with the idea of one day starting his own business, and Wayne, who was in his early 40s, had done this before. Jobs looked up to him as a mentor, and his advice would come in handy when Jobs and a high-school friend named Steve Wozniak considered launching their own company together in 1976.

  A single mussel can filter 25 gallons of water in a day.

  LIGHT SHOW

  Jobs’s and Wozniak’s decision to start a business together grew out of their participation in the Homebrew Computer Club, a group of hobbyists who built computers from mail-order kits or by scrounging parts from surplus military equipment and old office machines. The computers they were building were primitive: If you saw one today, you’d have trouble recognizing it as a computer.

  Consider the Altair 8800, the machine that inspired the founding of the Homebrew club: Sold in kit form through Popular Electronics magazine, it was little more than a metal box with rows of lights and toggle switches on the front. It had no keyboard and no monitor. You “programmed” the Altair by flipping the toggle switches on and off to enter binary computer code. Once entered, the code made the lights blink in a specific sequence.