Uncle John's Fully Loaded 25th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (Uncle John's Bathroom Reader)

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  A partnership is different: Each partner is personally liable for debts incurred by the partnership. It doesn’t necessarily matter if they’re major partners or minor partners, either. Wayne may have only had a 10 percent stake in Apple Computer, but he was just as liable for the company’s debts as either Jobs or Wozniak. If they didn’t have assets that could be seized to pay Apple’s debts, the creditors would likely try to seize Wayne’s assets instead. In fact, Jobs and Wozniak didn’t have any assets. That meant that, in effect, Ron Wayne was assuming 100 percent of the risk in exchange for 10 percent of the profits…if any were ever to materialize.

  It took 38 years for radio to reach 50 million users, and just 5 years for the Internet to do it.

  NEVER MIND

  The simplest explanation for why Apple Computer started out as a partnership and not as a corporation is that nobody thought the company would ever amount to much. Remember, when Wayne drafted the founding document, Apple was gearing up to sell circuit boards to hobbyists. A hot dog cart on a busy street corner would have had brighter prospects, so what difference did it make what kind of papers were drawn up? Partnerships are simpler than corporations, and their taxes are often lower. When a business is small and likely to stay that way, a partnership is a good way to go.

  Besides, how much debt could a circuit-board company pile up? A lot more than Wayne had bargained for, now that Apple Computer was really going to sell computers. Wayne had been involved in business failures before: A few years earlier a slot machine company he owned had gone under, and it had taken him nearly two years to repay his investors. When Jobs racked up $20,000 in debts to finance a single sale, Wayne thought long and hard about whether or not he wanted to remain associated with Apple Computer…and decided the risk was too great.

  SO LONG

  On April 12, 1976, just eleven days after helping to found Apple, Wayne returned to the Santa Clara County courthouse and filed a “Statement of Withdrawal,” which would alter the course of his life forever. “Wayne shall hereafter cease to function in the status of ‘Partner,’” the document read, noting that Wayne had received $800 from Jobs and Wozniak for relinquishing his 10 percent stake. As far as anyone knows, he never owned a single share of Apple Computer again.

  For more bad decisions, turn to Part III of the story on page 497.

  In Japan, “drive-in” means rest area.

  FLUBBED HEADLINES

  More actual newsaper headlines you might have to read twice.

  Write-in voting gets woman shot at school board

  “Girls Gone Wild” Sting Results in 16 Busts

  Escaped wallaby caught using huge fishing net

  Hamsters Can’t Have Babies if Both Are the Same Sex

  A’S HOLE KEEPS GETTING DEEPER

  Man Seeking Help for Dog Charged with DUI

  Woman with Dog’s Head Taken To Hospital

  Actor Sent to Jail for Not Finishing Sentence

  Homicide Victims Rarely Talk to Police

  School Two Easy for Kids?

  EDITOR’S WIFE RENTED TO 2 SUSPECTS, FBI SAYS

  QUEEN VISITS IRISH NATIONAL STUD

  Astronaut Welcomes Baby from Space

  Virgin to offer service to South Florida

  CASH IS THE KEY TO ENDING FINANCIAL WOES

  ATLANTIC COAST TO REMAIN

  London Olympics Will Take Place in London

  GOP aims to use terrorism to keep control of Hill

  SHERIFF WANTS DRUGS

  Hooker named indoor athlete of the year

  Navy SEALS Responsible for Getting Osama Bin Laden to Be Honored at Museum

  Rancho Bernardo’s only full-sized community newspaper! Disturbing to over 18,000 households per week!

  2 LINE HEADLINE FOR DA PORN GUY GOES HERE

  Nature’s head game? Humans have more brain cells at the age of 2 than at any other time.

  JACK TALES

  You probably know him best for climbing a beanstalk and killing a giant, but were you aware that Jack—the hero of English folklore—also showed up in the U.S. South?

  DOWN HOME

  Following in the footsteps of renowned English folklorist Cecil Sharp, who traveled the back roads of the Appalachian Mountains in 1916 in search of traditional British ballads, a young man named Richard Chase went to southern Virginia to hunt down some folk songs of his own. One day in 1935, after a folk music festival in Raleigh, North Carolina, Chase’s quest took an unexpected turn when a local man named Marshall Ward told him that there were more than just songs being passed from generation to generation—there were tales, too. “Mostly,” explained Ward, “about a boy named Jack.”

  Chase realized he’d struck gold—a living oral tradition of storytelling, much as Sharp had discovered the tradition of folk songs two decades earlier. He spent the next several years with Ward and his extended family, listening to Jack tales that they’d been telling for at least three generations, and writing down every word in his notebook as quickly and as faithfully as he could, dialect and all. He collected dozens of stories, including “Jack and the Giant’s New-ground,” “Jack and the Robbers,” “Hardy Hardhead,” “Jack and King Marock,” and “Soldier Jack.” In 1943 Chase published them in a book called The Jack Tales.

  JACK OF ALL TRADES

  Before arriving in the New World, the legendary Jack was an English folk hero, usually depicted as a brave and honorable young squire. Variations of the character showed up in “Jack and the Beanstalk” and “Jack the Giant-Killer,” as well as in fairy tales and nursery rhymes—”Jack and Jill,” “Jack Be Nimble Jack Be Quick,” “The House That Jack Built,” “Little Jack Horner,” “Jack Frost,” “Jack Sprat,” “Jack in the Box,” and many more. One of the earliest is a 15th-century British tale called “Jack and His Stepdame,” in which the hero is beaten by his stepmother, but shares his food with an old beggar who grants him three magic gifts that help him bring his stepmother her comeuppance.

  Jesse James refused to rob a bank in McKinney, TX. (His favorite chili parlor was there.)

  Fueled by cheaply printed chapbooks, stories of Jack abounded in England in the 1700s. So it’s not surprising that British settlers brought Jack with them to America, mostly relegated to the pages of children’s storybooks. In the isolated hills of Appalachia, Jack thrived as an oral tradition for nearly two centuries—until Chase shared the stories with the rest of the world.

  YOU DON’T KNOW JACK

  The same basic plots showed up in the Jack tales of Appalachia—the biggest difference was Jack himself. Unlike his “proper” British cousin, the American Jack is more like Mark Twain’s Huckleberry Finn. He is an easygoing, overalls-wearing farm boy who aims to make his fortune by relying on wits and luck. Rather than a noble squire who rescues princesses, this Jack, as one tale goes, “tricks farmers out of their barefoot daughters.” He’s not above using unscrupulous means to get what he wants, but his manner is so breezy and likable, it’s hard not to forgive him his escapades.

  The American Jack tales are a fascinating blend of two very distinct cultures: Many of the plots, names, and settings are English, but the dialect and attitude are indisputably American. That blend can be heard in this excerpt from “Jack and the Bean Tree,” when the giant totes a shotgun and roars:

  FEE! FAW! FUM!

  I smell the blood of an Englishmun.

  Bein’ he dead or bein’ he alive,

  I’ll grind his bones

  To eat with my pones!

  Want to read one of Jack’s mischievous tales? Turn to page 489.

  * * *

  “One glance at a book and you hear the voice of another person, perhaps someone dead for 1,000 years. To read is to voyage through time.”

  —Carl Sagan

  How about you? 33% of Americans wear pajamas to bed.

  HOW TO MAKE A “SOLAR STILL”

  Here’s how to create an emergency supply of drinking water using just a few items from a hardware store.

  WHAT YOU N
EED

  1. Piece of clear plastic tarp about 6 feet square

  2. Piece of plastic tubing 1/4 inch in diameter and 4 to 6 feet in length

  3. Cup or other small container

  4. Shovel

  WHAT TO DO

  1. Find a sunny spot where the soil is moist and not too compact, so that it is easy to dig.

  2. Dig a hole 3 feet across and 1-1/2 feet deep. In the center of the hole, dig another small hole just large enough to hold the cup, and put the cup in the smaller hole.

  3. Run the tubing from the cup to outside the hole.

  4. Cover the hole with the plastic tarp.

  5. Find a small rock and place it in the center of the plastic tarp directly over the cup. The idea is for the rock to weigh down the plastic, forming a cone whose lowest point is directly over the cup.

  6. Cover the edges of the tarp with dirt to secure it in place.

  HOW IT WORKS

  As sunlight warms the air inside the hole, the moisture in the soil evaporates and saturates the air in the hole with water vapor. Because the air outside the hole is cooler, the water vapor will condense on the inside of the plastic tarp and form droplets. Gravity will cause the droplets to run down the sides of the cone and drip into the cup. When it does, you can suck the water out through the tubing. Yield: up to one quart of distilled fresh water a day.

  Count ’em: The average hedgehog has about 5,000 quills. Average porcupine: 30,000.

  UNCLE JOHN’S STALL OF FAME

  Four more honorees who’ve earned recognition for the unusual ways they put bathrooms and toilets to use.

  Honoree: The Organizing Committee for the 2012 Summer Olympics, held in London

  Notable Achievement: Quizzing 70,000 volunteers to make sure their bathroom manners were up to snuff

  True Story: The Committee required Olympic volunteers to attend four-hour training sessions that included a “Diversity and Inclusion” multiple-choice quiz. Part of the quiz dealt with how to handle situations involving race, gender, religion, and sexuality that might arise when dealing with the public. For example, how should you give directions to the nearest restroom if the volunteer can’t tell whether the questioner is male or female? Possible answers: a) “Panic…Explain politely that you do not know and sadly cannot be of assistance,” b) “Ask them politely if they are male or female, so that you can direct them,” or c) “Tell them where the male, female, and disabled toilets are, just in case.” Correct answer: c. “I thought the training was unnecessary and they could have spent the money in other ways,” one volunteer told The Times. “By the end of the process, people were choosing silly answers on purpose.”

  Honoree: Macquarie University in New South Wales, Australia

  Notable Achievement: Teaching international students some important bathroom lessons

  True Story: Anyone who’s ever lived in a college dormitory knows that cleaning crews have their hands full keeping the restrooms clean in the best of times. In the fall of 2010, however, the contractor who cleans the restrooms at Macquarie University complained that the facilities had suddenly gotten much, much worse. Were vandals to blame? Possibly, but the cleaning contractor had another theory: Some international students at Macquarie hail from parts of the world where squat toilets are the norm, and may be unfamiliar with how to use a “sit-down” toilet. Too embarrassed to ask for help, the contractor speculated, the students may have climbed up onto the toilet seats and squatted there. If you’ve ever tried to answer nature’s call in such a fashion, you know that getting your aim right is just about impossible…hence the nature and the scale of the mess facing the cleaners at Macquarie.

  Birthday candles on cakes were first used in 18th-century Germany.

  As far-fetched as the theory may have seemed, the university decided to print up some posters explaining how to use a western toilet. On the poster, a figure shown squatting on a toilet seat is crossed out in red. Another figure, squatting on the floor next to a toilet, is also crossed out. Arrows point away from these figures toward a third figure seated correctly on a toilet. The university posted the diagrams inside toilet cubicles on the door…and the problem vanished overnight.

  Honoree: Freeman Anthony, an engineer with the Bellingham, Washington, Public Works Department

  Notable Achievement: Blazing new trails with old toilets

  True Story: In 2011 Anthony got a call from a local nonprofit group called Sustainable Connections. They were helping to replace more than 400 old toilets in public housing units with modern low-flow models and wanted to keep the old toilets out of landfills. But how? Anthony thought it might be possible to smash the toilets and use the porcelain pieces as a substitute for the gravel in concrete. A local gravel company agreed to give it a try. They tossed the toilets into their concrete crusher, and created enough gravel-sized chunks to fill a dump truck. These were then mixed with sand and cement to make what Anthony calls “poticrete,” which he used to pave part of a bike and walking trail that runs through the city. The trail was completed in September 2011 and dedicated with a ceremonial toilet seat set into the wet poticrete (like a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame). The surface is being monitored to see if it holds up over time. If it does, toilet-infused sidewalks, foot and bike paths, and possibly even roadways may be coming to a neighborhood near you.

  Honoree: Fans of the Winnipeg Jets hockey team

  Notable Achievement: Circulating a pee-tition to improve the public restrooms at home games

  The inside of your elbow is a ginglymus; the back of your knee is your popliteal.

  True Story: The Jets used to play in the Winnipeg Arena but now play at MTS Centre. The men’s rooms at the Centre are a little more upscale than the ones at the Arena: Instead of the old “trough-style” urinals that accommodate a dozen or more people at a time, the new restrooms have standard urinals that only one person can use at a time. That’s good news for people suffering from “stage fright” (difficulty peeing in the presence of others), but the problem is there aren’t enough urinals to go around. A typical MTS Centre restroom has only four, and the lines to use them can get pretty long, especially in between game periods.

  In December 2011, the fans started an online petition to bring back the troughs. “After finishing four-plus beers, the average Joe has to go do his business,” the petition reads. “The new washroom service in MTS Centre cannot handle the capacity.” And capacity isn’t the only issue. Some people actually prefer the camaraderie of the trough to the loneliness and isolation of a one-man urinal. “My fondest memory of the trough would be watching the cigarette butt from the guy around the corner finally go floating by,” one signer of the petition commented. “Oh, the good old days…” Update: So did the petition do any good? Nope. “We’re comfortable with the washroom facilities as we have them in the building. I don’t think at any point we will be bringing the trough back,” a Jets spokesperson told The Winnipeg Sun.

  * * *

  LEGAL EAGLES

  “Law: The only game where the best players get to sit on the bench.”

  —American proverb

  “Judge: a law student who marks his own papers.”

  —H.L. Mencken

  “A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.”

  —Bill Vaughan

  During a 1969 college protest, Samuel L. Jackson held Martin Luther King, Jr.’s dad hostage.

  BUSTED ON FACEBOOK

  At last count, Uncle John had more than 13,000 fans on Facebook. If you log on and discover that that number has shrunk, it’ll probably be because Uncle John posted a really boneheaded status update or photo, just like these people.

  UNFRIEND

  Friend: Dylan Osborn, 37, of Buckinghamshire, England

  Story: Shortly after Osborn joined Facebook in 2007, a window appeared on the screen asking if he wanted to send “friend requests” to everyone on his e-mail list. He clicked “Yes.” Result: A friend request went t
o his estranged wife, Claire Tarbox…with whom he was under court order to not have any contact.

  Busted! Tarbox called police, and Osborn was arrested for sending the friend request and then sentenced by a judge to 10 days in jail. Osborn claimed that he hadn’t understood how Facebook works and had no idea the request would be sent to Tarbox. “I didn’t even know she had a Facebook account,” he told reporters after his release. “To be honest, I don’t think the judge understood how it works, either.”

  LUNCH LIZARDS

  Friend: Vanessa Starr Palm, 23, of Illinois, and Alexander Daniel Rust, 24, of Indiana

  Story: While Palm and Rust were on vacation in the Bahamas in 2009, they saw a wild iguana. They killed it. And then they cooked and ate it. And they took photos of the whole process—and posted them on their Facebook profiles.

  Busted! Iguanas are endangered species in the Bahamas. Someone contacted authorities about the photos, and Bahamian police tracked down and arrested the couple. They were released from jail on $500 bail and eventually paid fines for their illegal meal.

  DEAD WRONG

  Friend: Mark Musarella, 46, of Staten Island, New York

  Story: Musarella was an emergency medical technician with the Richmond University Medical Center. When he was called to an apartment where a 26-year-old woman had been murdered, he took a photo of the dead body with his cell phone…and (you know what’s coming next) posted the photo to his Facebook page.