Uncle John's Fully Loaded 25th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (Uncle John's Bathroom Reader)

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  The woman told the dandy feller that her husband wasn’t going to be home until late. “So you just sit here, and I’ll feed you like a king!” She went to the cupboard and retrieved a veritable feast: fried ham and chicken pie and whiskey. “Mmm-mmm,” said Jack. He looked on as the woman and the dandy feller started chowin’ down. And Jack’s poor old stomach a-started grumblin’—fump fump fump.

  JACK heard the clip-clop of a horse and figgered that must be the old man ridin’ up to the house. The woman yelled out, “Law! It’s my old man! You best git out of sight!” So she pushed that dandy feller—collar and necktie and all—into an old chest a-sittin’ in the corner. Then she hid the vittles and whiskey in the cupboard.

  The old man pushed open the door and sat at the supper table. “Git me some vittles, wife,” he barked. “I’m plumb starved to death!” Jack’s eye was pressed almost all the way through that knot in the floor as he watched the woman give her hungry husband a not-so-feastly helping of stale cornbread and cold potatoes. Just then, Jack done hatched another plan.

  The ancient Etruscans were the first to use gold in dentistry (about 600 BC).

  JACK picked up his heifer hide and went thump thump thump on the floor. “Now what in tarnation is that racket up there?” said the man of the house.

  “Oh,” replied his wife. “Just some poor farm boy who begged me to let him spend the night. Pay him no mind at all.”

  The old man yelled to the ceiling, “You come on down here!” So Jack came down a-dragging his heifer hide—fump fump fump.

  “What’s your name, stranger?” asked the old man.

  “They call me Jack.”

  “Well, come and set down, Jack. Eat with me. T’aint much, but you’re welcome to it.”

  Jack bit off a corner of his cornbread and started gasping like it was a-chokin’ him. “I’m sorry to insult, sir,” he said as he spit it out. “But this here food ain’t fit enough to feed a pig.”

  “I’m inclined to agree,” admitted the man. “Blame the woman of the house,” he said with a sideways glare toward his wife.

  JACK turned and looked at the heifer hide. “What’s that?” he said to the dead animal. “There’s some better food in where? Oh, hush. You ought not carry on like that.”

  The old man got a confused look upon his face and asked Jack, “What did that heifer tell you? Better food where? Speak up!”

  “I cain’t tell you what the magic heifer hide done said, sir,” said Jack. “Might make the woman of the house angry.”

  “Don’t blame the woman. Tell me what it said, Jack.”

  “Well, if’n you must know, it told me there was some fried ham and chicken pie up there in yon cupboard.”

  The old man looked at his wife. “Is this true, woman?”

  “That boy is a liar, and that heifer ain’t magic, and there ain’t no more food in the cupboard!”

  “Open it,” said the old man.

  So she did. “Well, what do you know? I guess I forgot about it.”

  JACK and the old man commenced to eatin’ till they were fit to burst. Then Jack made like the heifer was talkin’ to him again. “There’s some whiskey where?” Then Jack pointed to the cupboard. The wife shot a nasty look at him and put the whiskey on the table. Then Jack and the old man got good an’ likkered up, all the while the man was a-lookin’ at that heifer hide. “I just got to have it,” he finally said. “I know my woman is keeping secrets from me, and that old heifer is sure to keep her honest.”

  Cowabunga! The average American eats 11 steaks a year.

  “I wouldn’t sell my heifer hide for nothing!” said Jack. But then he sat back and said, “But I would sell it for something.”

  “Name your price, son.”

  “I’d let it go for a hunnerd guineas…and that old chest over there in the corner.” (Now, you do remember that dandy feller was still hiding in that there chest, right?)

  “You cain’t have that chest!” shouted the wife. “It belonged to my great-grandmother, who gave it to my auntie, who gave it to her second cousin’s half-sister, who gave it me!”

  “Blame you an’ all your kinfolks!” said the old man. “If Jack wants that musty old chest, he can have it. Yer just scared of the hide ’cause you cain’t hide nothin’ from me when it’s around.”

  JACK bid farewell to his heifer hide and the bickering couple, and walked out with a hunnerd guineas in his pocket while a-draggin’ the old chest behind him—fump fump fump. Finally, he set it down and said aloud, “I sure am tired of dragging this big ol’ box around. Think I’ll just chuck it off this old cliff right here.”

  “Please don’t do that!” said the dandy feller, who’d been quiet as a mouse up until then. “Let me out, and I’ll reward your kindness with a hunnerd guineas.”

  “Honest?” asked Jack. “You don’t seem all too trustworthy.” The dandy feller poked the money through a crack in the chest, and Jack obliged to let him out. He laughed as the dandy feller ran off as fast just as he could.

  JACK went home a lot richer and told his brothers, Will and Tom, he made two hunnerd guineas just by sellin’ off his heifer hide. So the next day, Will and Tom shot their horses and stuffed ’em with corn shucks, but they didn’t use Jack’s fancy preservation techniques, and the hides started to rot. They went to house after house a-tryin’ to sell them stinky horses, but no one wanted ’em.

  Will and Tom chucked their horse hides into the brush and headed on back home, mad as hornets. They grabbed Jack and put him in a sack and then dragged him down to the river to drown him. But Will and Tom—as you may have guessed by now aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed—well, they forgot to bring a rope to secure the sack and had to go home to get one. So they put a big log on the sack to keep their little brother from a-gettin’ away.

  Oldest Declaration of Independence signer: Ben Franklin. He was 70.

  JACK heard an old shepherd a-drivin’ a herd of sheep toward him. He started a-wrigglin’ and a-hoppin’ all around—fump fump fump. “Who’s in that there sack?” yelled the old shepherd.

  “Go ’way,” said Jack. “I’m a-fixin’ to go on up into heaven. The angels’ll be back for me any minute.”

  “Law,” said the old shepherd. “I’m ninety-three. I might never get another chance to go on up to heaven. How about I trade you this hunnerd head of sheep to swap places with you?”

  “All right,” said Jack. “It’s a deal.” So the old shepherd let Jack out and climbed on into the sack. Jack warned, “Don’t say nothin’ to the angels, so they won’t know they got the wrong man.”

  JACK returned to the farm and waited for Will and Tom. Were they ever surprised to come home and find their deceased brother an’ a hunnerd head of sheep! “Where’d you get them?” they asked.

  “Why, I found ’em down in the river you done tossed me into!”

  Will and Tom begged Jack to tie them up in sacks and chuck them in the river, too. Jack was only too happy to oblige. First, he threw Will in, and Tom asked, “What’s he thrashin’ around for?”

  “He’s a-gatherin’ sheep,” answered Jack.

  “Quick,” said Tom. “Chuck me in, too, afore he gets ’em all!”

  That’s just what Jack did. Then he returned to his cleared fields with his two-hunnerd guineas an’ a hunnerd head of sheep.

  Last I heard, Jack was doing right well.

  * * *

  WARNING LABELS

  On a pack of Breath Savers: “Not for weight control.”

  On bottled water: “Throw top away. Do not put in mouth.”

  On a tube of deodorant: “Do not use intimately.”

  Longest human pregnancy on record: 375 days.

  THE NEW LATIN LEXICON

  Leaders of the Catholic Church correspond mostly in Italian (Vatican City is inside Rome), but its official language has always been Latin. In 2003 the Church updated the ancient language with modern phrases in a dictionary called the Lexicon Recentis Latinitatis. Here’s a sampling. />
  Amnesia

  memóriae amíssio

  Blue jeans

  bracae línteae

  caerúleae

  Pizza

  placenta compressa

  Cowboy

  armentárius

  Weekend

  éxiens hebdómada

  Miniature golf

  pilamálleus minutus

  Laser

  instrumentum

  laséricum

  Karate

  oppugnatio inermis

  Iapónica

  Graffiti

  figura gráphio

  exarata

  Christmas tree

  arbor natalícia

  Traveler’s Check

  mandatum

  nummárium

  periegéticum

  Jazz

  iazensis música

  Overdose

  immódica

  medicamenti

  stupefactivi iniéctio

  Smog

  fumus et nébula

  Kamikaze

  voluntárius sui

  interemptor

  Hot pants

  brevíssimae bracae

  femíneae

  Jeep

  autocinetum locis

  iniquis aptum

  Basketball

  follis canistríque

  ludus

  Pornographic film

  pellicula

  cinematographica

  Spaceship

  navis sideralis

  Computer

  instrumentum

  computatórium

  Snack bar

  thermopólium

  potórium et

  gustatórium

  Punk

  punkianae catervae

  ássecla

  Rush hour

  tempus máximae

  frequéntiae

  Gangster

  gregalis latro

  Miniskirt

  tunícula mínima

  Dishwasher

  escariorum lavator

  Thermos

  lagoena calefactória

  Flirt

  amor levis

  Sports fans

  admiratores

  studiosíssimi

  Vodka

  válida pótio Slávica

  Megalomania

  effrenuta glóriae

  appeténtia

  World’s fastest manned aircraft: the X-15, with a top speed of 4,519 mph (1967).

  THEY DIED WITH THEIR CHUTES ON

  There’s a reason BASE jumping is considered one of the most dangerous sports—even for those with plenty of experience. These athletes were among the many who didn’t survive their jumps. (An intro to the sport is on page 165.)

  Athlete: William Heidebrecht, age 41

  Details: “Wingsuit flying” is another kind of BASE jumping. According to the United States Parachute Association, to fly in a wingsuit—a special jumpsuit with expanded surface area for increased lift—a BASE jumper must be a licensed skydiver with at least 200 free-fall skydives. Canadian firefighter Heidebrecht had that much experience and more. On September 14, 2010, he was in Lauterbrunnen Valley, Switzerland, doing what he loved to do: wearing his Vampire 3 wingsuit as he BASE jumped off a cliff known as “High Nose.”

  What Went Wrong? Heidebrecht’s V3 wingsuit got damaged, so he put on his Phantom 1 wingsuit. When it came time to pull the parachute rip cord, Heidebrecht reached for the leg pouch as he did when flying the V3…but the P1’s deployment cord is on the jumper’s back.

  Athlete: Kylie Tanti, age 42

  Details: Friends called the Australian skydiver fearless, with a “mad passion” for BASE jumping. Tanti was the first woman to skysurf—skydiving on a surfboard. On September 27, 2010, she was making her third BASE jump from the 541-foot Alor Setar telecom tower in Malaysia. She ran into trouble with her parachute and hit the pavement below.

  What Went Wrong? According to fellow BASE jumper Gary Cunningham, Tanti’s parachute got tangled up with the camera on her safety helmet.

  Athlete: Jan Davis, age 60

  Details: Davis had done more than 70 jumps over a period of 16 years. She’d even jumped from Venezuela’s Angel Falls—the highest waterfall in the world. And as a stuntwoman, she did skydiving sequences for James Bond movies. On October 22, 1999, Davis took part in a protest jump off Yosemite National Park’s 3,198-foot El Capitan. The jump was meant to show park rangers that BASE jumping can be done “safely” and deserves a place in national parks. Organizers staged the jump after an illegal BASE jumper drowned while fleeing from rangers. Davis hit the talus slope (a formation of rock fragments) after about 20 seconds of free fall, never having deployed her chute.

  The left side of the human brain controls speech. The left side of a bird’s brain controls song.

  What Went Wrong? Because the jump was illegal, the protestors had agreed that they would land in a designated area, get arrested by park rangers, forfeit their equipment, and then take their fight to court. As he watched his wife plummet from the cliff, Davis’s husband was heard repeating, “If only she had used her own gear.” Davis had used less expensive gear so that her personal parachute wouldn’t be confiscated. The borrowed one had its rip cord on the leg, while the cord on Davis’s gear was on the back.

  Result: BASE jumping in the parks is still banned.

  * * *

  WORLD’S 10 DEADLIEST

  BASE JUMP SITES

  1. Lauterbrunnen, Switzerland (28 deaths)

  2. Monte Brento, Italy (9 deaths)

  3. Lysebotn, Norway (7 deaths)

  4. Trollveggen, Andalsnes, Norway (7 deaths)

  5. Yosemite National Park, California (7 deaths)

  6. Perrine Bridge, Twin Falls, Idaho (5 deaths)

  7. Kjerag, Forsand, Norway (5 deaths)

  8. New River Gorge, Fayetteville, West Virginia (4 deaths)

  9. Sam Ford Fjord, Baffin Island, Canada (2 deaths)

  10. Engelberg, Switzerland (2 deaths)

  In WWII the Nazis made a candy-bar bomb designed to blow up when a piece was broken off.

  THE WORST BUSINESS DECISION EVER? PART III

  When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. And when life gives you Apple, don’t sell your shares! Here’s Part III of our story. (Part II is on page 384.)

  THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX

  Steve Jobs, Steve Wozniak, and a handful of friends and family members set to work filling the Byte Shop’s order of 50 computers. Working in a bedroom in Jobs’s parents’ house, then moving to the garage when the bedroom got too crowded, they finished with one day to spare. The Byte Shop got its computers, Apple got its money, and the bills got paid on time.

  But as Paul Terrell, the owner of the Byte Shop, learned to his dismay, the Apple I “computer” was a very barebones product indeed: It was just a circuit board with the computer chips and other components installed, nothing more. The keyboard wasn’t included, neither was the monitor, and there wasn’t even a case to enclose the circuit board. Wozniak and Jobs still saw their computer as a product for hobbyists. They thought buyers would want to customize their machines by providing these parts themselves.

  Terrell didn’t agree. He thought that computers, like toasters, should work right out of the box, so he added his own keyboards, monitors, and enclosures before putting his Apples on sale. It didn’t take Jobs and Wozniak long to see that he was right. They decided that the Apple II, which Wozniak was already developing, would have a case and a built-in keyboard, with an optional monitor for people who didn’t have a spare TV.

  NEW PARTNERS NO MORE

  Jobs and Wozniak estimated that gearing up to manufacture the Apple II was going to cost at least $200,000. Once again, they didn’t have the money. After searching around for investors, they found a Silicon Valley millionaire named Mike Markkula who was willing to put up nearly $100,000 of his own funds, plus personally guarantee a $250,000 line of credit from Bank of America. In return, Markkula became an equa
l partner. But rather than invest in the old partnership, on January 3, 1977, Jobs, Wozniak, and Markkula formed a new corporation—Apple Computer Inc.—which promptly bought out the old partnership for $5,309. To ensure that their old partner Ron Wayne wouldn’t cause problems later, Jobs and Wozniak sent him a check for one third of that amount, or about $1,770, along with a letter asking him to forfeit any future claims against Apple Computer Inc. Wayne was surprised to receive money and happily signed the letter. Total compensation for signing away his Apple stake: $2,570.

  Only about 200 Apple I computers were ever made. In 2010 one was auctioned for $213,000.

  WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN

  When they formed Apple Computer Inc., Jobs, Wozniak, and Markkula each got 26 percent of the new corporation’s stock, setting aside the remaining 22 percent of shares to be sold to investors at some future time. That means that Jobs’s and Wozniak’s combined stake in the new corporation was 52 percent. Since Wayne was a 10 percent owner of the old partnership, it’s reasonable to assume that had he remained with the company, he would have received 10 percent of Jobs’s and Wozniak’s stake in the new corporation, or 5.2 percent, of Apple Computer Inc.

  However relieved Wayne may have been at having exited Apple without losing everything he owned, his pleasure must surely have turned to pain when the Apple II became one of the bestselling personal computers of all time, raising the current partners’ fortunes (but not his) with it. On December 12, 1980, not quite five years after Wayne made his escape, Apple Computer Inc. went public. By the end of the month, the company was valued at $1.79 billion. Had Wayne held onto his 5.2 percent stake, it would have been worth just over $93 million.

  IT GETS WORSE

  If you’re an Apple fan, you know that the company has had its share of troubles over the years. Steve Wozniak ended his day-to-day involvement in the company in February 1985, and seven months later Steve Jobs left the company after losing a power struggle. With neither of the founders around to guide it, Apple foundered in the 1990s in the face of strong competition from computers that used the Microsoft Windows operating system. By the time Steve Jobs retook the helm as interim CEO in 1997, Apple was less than 90 days away from bankruptcy. Under his leadership, the company revamped its computer offerings and introduced the iPod (2001), iTunes (2003), the iPhone (2007), and the iPad (2010). On the strength of these new offerings, the company roared back to life in what Time magazine called “the greatest comeback in the history of business.”