He closed his eyes and fought a war she’d battled herself. Hope. Disbelief. Resignation. They all seemed to come in rapid succession. Nina had been settled on resignation in recent months. There was nothing she could do to help her sister except support her parents’ decision to bring her home and let her live whatever days she had left with them.
“It could kill her,” he finally said. “If they take her from here…”
“A cold could kill her. That’s the reality of it, Gray. It’ll feel more like it’s killing you. But it won’t. It’ll free you.”
His frown deepened. “Free me?”
“You can move on. Finally.” The words came out of her mouth easily, but Nina felt like a robot saying them. She’d heard them from Jen’s doctor’s often enough. She’d heard them from her parents. The words had become automatic, even if they didn’t feel any better saying them.
Gray blew out a quick breath of air, leaving his cloud of vapor in the cool March air. The sun had felt good against them as they rode on Dusty Surprise’s back. But now that they were standing still, the chill invaded her.
“I have moved on,” he said, looking out into a snow-covered pasture. “I’ve accepted that Jen’s condition isn’t going to change. I’m…I see people.”
Nina laughed, although there was no humor. “People. Women?”
He clearly didn’t find the humor she saw in his words. “That’s what I said.”
“You said it like you’re going to the supermarket to talk to the produce manager, Gray,” she said, challenging him. “People. What is that? Have you had anyone special in your life since Jen?”
His downward glance gave her the answer and it surprised her how much comfort learning this gave her. She had no right to feel that way, but she did.
“They’re not trying to kill her, Gray, or take her from you. They’d spent some time in Chicago while I was in school. There is a hospital that has a new way of detecting even the smallest bit of brain activity. They could take Jen off the ventilator and see if she breathes on her own without jeopardizing her.”
“And if she doesn’t?”
“Then she doesn’t and she remains on the ventilator. Either way, my parents want to take her home so she doesn’t have to live whatever life she has in a hospital.”
“They could have done that here.”
“Dad’s new job comes with a significant increase in income that will allow them to afford to have nurses round the clock at the house. They won’t have to make that trek to the hospital all the time. They’ll just be able to go to work each day and come home. They can walk down the hall to see Jen instead of driving back and forth to the hospital for a quick visit. It’ll be easier.”
“I guess,” he said quietly.
She walked over to Gray and touched his hand, surprised that he didn’t pull away as she anticipated he would in his agitated state. Unlike her sister, who was frail and cold, Gray was strong and warm. He was as handsome as Nina remembered him being. He stood a good eight inches taller than her. His broad shoulders told of the hard work he did every day working at the oil rig his family owned, and gave him a commanding presence that she’d always found sexy.
“I know you don’t see it this way, but it is for the best. You said we were friends once. Well, then let me be your friend now and tell you that you have to let her go. The only thing holding you back is you.”
He stared up at the sky for a long moment and then turned to her. “I’m going to walk back to the ranch, if you don’t mind.”
Disappointment crashed down on her. “I understand.”
She’d been about to suggest they ride back to the ranch together, but Gray wanted to be alone and she couldn’t blame him. She’d been as shocked as he was now when she had learned of her parents’ plans. She’d had time to get used to it. She’d give Gray that space.
As she climbed back on Dusty Surprise, she turned in the saddle and watched Gray’s back as he walked down the path.
“Come on, Dusty,” she said, snapping the reins lightly on her palomino’s neck as she headed into the woods, out of the warmth of the sun on the trail. She wanted to feel the cold. It was better than feeling numb.
* * *
There were days Gray wished he could dial back to a time when life made sense. As he drove away from the Rolling Rock Ranch, he ran the timeline of the past few years in his head and couldn’t exactly say when that time was. His cousin Logan had fallen on hard times after his wife had died, but then had found love again. Gray had witnessed just how hard his brother Ian struggled with the same thing, trying to steady his life while learning to walk on one leg. It took three kids and a beautiful woman coming into his life to turn his life around. His soon to be sister-in-law Abby had dealt with losing her first husband and now she had found a home with Ian and the kids.
Gray couldn’t imagine that day when life would right itself again. He didn’t see a day when he could ever stop loving Jen and allow himself to love another woman. How could he ever love someone else without betraying what they both shared? Jen was still alive on this earth. What kind of man would he be to just leave her behind?
And yet, there was no future for the two of them. Nina was right. They all had been right. What he’d shared with Jen was gone and he was never going to get that back. The only thing to do was move on.
After twenty minutes of mulling it over in his mind and driving on the opposite side of town, Gray found himself a half mile from Logan and Poppy’s ranch. As he pulled into the long dirt driveway, he saw his cousin in the field on one of his quarter horses. Nestled in front of Logan was his five-year-old son Keith. Gray parked the truck next to Logan’s and then waited for Logan to make it the rest of the way across the field.
As the horse stopped in front of him, Gray reached up and lifted Keith out of the front of the saddle.
“Auntie Poppy is in the house with some ice cream, Keith,” Logan said, dismounting from the horse. “Make sure you both save some chocolate for me.”
“Okay, Daddy!”
Logan waited until Keith ran into the house before walking his horse toward the barn.
“I haven’t seen you since the wedding,” Logan said.
“January and February were pretty brutal out on the rig.”
“I heard.”
“How was the honeymoon?”
Logan and Poppy had just gotten married before Christmas. Still newlyweds, Logan’s face brightened with the mention of his new wife. “Too short.”
Gray chuckled. “I’ll bet. It must be kind of hard on the romance with a five-year-old running around.”
Logan shrugged with amusement. “I wouldn’t say that. But now that the family is growing, that may change. At least for a while.”
“Growing?”
Logan’s face split into a wide smile. “We just found out Poppy is pregnant. We told my parents last night. I’m surprised the news hasn’t filtered over to your neck of the woods by now.”
Gray extended his hand to shake Logan’s. “I’m sure it has, but I haven’t exactly been home lately. Congratulations, Logan. You two must be thrilled.”
“We’re pretty excited about it. So what brings you out this way? Did they give you some time off from the rig?”
“I took the day off.”
“By the look on your face, I hope it’s not because of bad news. I heard you got hurt at the rodeo over the weekend.”
Gray resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Instead, he sighed. “I see my mother got to Aunt Kate. It was nothing. But when you talk to Mom, she makes it sound like I broke every bone in my body.”
“I thought you did,” Logan teased.
They both laughed as Gray walked in step with Logan as he continued toward the barn and he felt his mood grow somber.
“They’re moving Jen to another facility. In Chicago.”
Logan turned to him in surprise, his mouth slightly agape. “I take it you’re not too happy about it.”
Gray dug his hand
s in the pocket of his jacket. “It’s hard enough to get out to see Jen as it is. Chicago will make it damned near impossible.”
Logan shook his head and looked at him sympathetically. “You’re not going like what I have to say, Gray.”
“Say it anyway.”
He lifted his eyebrows and sighed. “It’s not an easy thing to let go. I know that. But the holding on is what’s going to keep you from finding happiness.”
He was about to protest when Logan placed a hand on his shoulder.
“You can’t tell me you’ve been happy, Gray. You’ve been too busy these last few years to be happy. Hell, we all were, but you especially. When I look at you, I see much of what I went through. The details of how things happened may not be the same, but the end result is. I was married to Kelly a long time and living each day in a cloud. It was only when Poppy came back into my life again that all that fog lifted. You’ve been living in that same cloud, my friend.”
“How did you do it? Take that first step?”
Logan chuckled. “Poppy is a pretty persistent woman, if you haven’t noticed already.”
Gray laughed with him. “That she is.”
“I don’t what to tell you other than take a deep breath and embrace whatever it is that's coming your way. It may not feel right. But it may just be your salvation.”
Gray stayed a while and had a beer with Logan. They didn’t talk of Jen or Chicago or anything other than the mundane tasks of cleaning up the ranch of everything the winter had left behind, and getting through the routine tasks of raising an active five-year-old boy. It was easy talk, as it always was with Logan. And when Logan reached over and took Poppy’s hand, kissing it gently as their fingers entwined, Gray felt a twinge of envy he didn’t often feel. His cousin was finally happy. And Gray couldn’t remember what that felt like.
An hour later, he climbed into his truck and gunned the engine, determined to change that one thing. He just wasn’t exactly sure how to do it.
* * *
“Buying sheets?”
Hearing the familiar deep voice gave Nina a rush of excitement she didn’t welcome. Damn Gray.
She placed the sheet set she’d been considering buying at the mall department store back on the shelf and turned to see Gray walking toward her.
“I’m seeing you all over the place these days,” he said. “This is a nice surprise.”
She looked around to see if he was with anyone. He was alone. “What are the odds of bumping into each other? How did you know I was here?”
“I didn’t,” he said. “My nephew, Liam, wanted to get a new skateboard so I told him I’d take him to the mall. I thought I saw you walk into this store so I came to see if it was really you.”
“It’s me. Liam likes skateboarding?”
Gray shrugged. “No. But if Grace has any say in it, he will. She’s freaking out because he’s almost ten and he wants to go to rodeos with his dad. This is her attempt to change his direction.”
Nina laughed. “Good luck to her. There’s too much rodeo blood in the McKinnon family to take that out of the boy.”
“I told her that, but she wouldn’t listen. Go figure.”
Nina looked around again at the people milling about in the store. “So where is Liam now?”
“With my mom. She’s here with us, helping him pick one out. Grace thought it would be easier if she had maternal reinforcements.”
“What does your mom know about skateboards?”
His light chuckle sent a shiver through her body.
“Nothing. And neither of them wanted any input from me, so I told them I was going to get a soda, that’s when I saw you out in the mall. I’m not betting on either of them being happy on the drive home.”
Nina made a face. “Poor Liam. Grace does know that he can get hurt just as easily on a skateboard as he can on a bull, right?”
“Try telling her that.”
Nina shook her head and lifted her purse on her shoulder for lack of something better to do. She hadn’t expected seeing Gray again after their trail ride. Now that she had, that unsettled feeling that had been nagging at her for days was creeping back.
“What brings you out here?”
“I was apartment hunting in Rapid City.”
“Staying close by, I see. That’s good.”
“My mom set up the appointment. She’d like me to either stay here or go to Chicago with them. I’m appeasing her. I saw one apartment and then found my way here. It’s funny how setting up your own place makes you want to shop,” she said, picking up the sheets she’d been looking at. “I don’t have an apartment yet but I decided I must have these beautiful sheets.”
“Priorities,” he teased.
“I guess. I have another apartment appointment this afternoon.”
“Rapid City is still a long way from Lakeridge. What about your job?”
“I’ll be leaving that soon. Working at the animal clinic was nice, but it doesn’t pay enough. My father has been hounding me to put my economics degree to good use.”
“So you’re job hunting, too?”
“Yes. But I feel a little like a gypsy.” She laughed, thinking of how her mother used that same word earlier in the day as if it were a bad thing. “Who knows? I may end up in California. There are a lot of horse farms out there. Some good rodeos, too. A change of scenery might be just what I need. Maybe I can find a way to make my dad happy and me happy at the same time by merging careers.”
He lifted his eyebrows. “Seems like you’re trying to get as far away from South Dakota as you can.”
“Does it?” She tried to read his face and came up empty. It didn’t matter where she was going. “When my family leaves, there won’t be anything left for me here in South Dakota.”
A flash of hurt crossed Gray’s face and then quickly disappeared. “What about friends?”
“I’ll miss my friends,” she admitted. “But most of them have already moved on with their lives. I feel like I’m so far behind, still trying to figure things out. Do you ever feel like you’re stuck in one place and everyone else is moving past you at lightning speed?”
“I can’t say that I have.”
A woman came close to them and seemed interested in the display they were standing in front of.
“Sorry,” she said to the woman, as she moved away and let the woman take her place in front of the display. Gray moved over a few paces with her, out of the way of the aisle.
“I should be going,” Nina said. “That other apartment I’m seeing this afternoon is a condo owned by one of my mother’s friends. If I don’t show my mom will have a fit. You take care, Gray.”
Nina started to walk away, but he held her back by placing his hand on her shoulder.
“I’m scheduled to be on the rig for the next two weeks, but I’d like to see you before you leave. I saw that barrel racing on the schedule for the next rodeo up in Aberdeen. Are you registered?”
“Not yet. I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it though. We have a lot of packing to do before the move. I’d love to get in another rodeo before we leave. I’m going miss riding Dusty Surprise. But the house is being sold and who knows when all that will go through. My parents are planning to leave for Chicago in a few weeks regardless of whether or not the house sale is finalized.”
“Maybe I’ll stop by the house then.”
For a moment, Nina let her hopes lift. “I’m sure my parents would love to see you before they go.”
“What about you?” His eyes probed her, cutting through all the stops she’d put in place for herself where Gray was concerned.
“I always enjoy seeing you, Gray,” she said honestly. “We’re friends. We’ll always be friends.”
And as she walked away, she knew that was true. She always knew that no matter what had transpired over the years, that’s all they’d be, which made it easier for her to leave South Dakota and Gray McKinnon behind.
#
Chapter Three
“What the hell are you doing here?” Grace said, pulling a casserole dish out of the oven.
Gray stopped short of pulling off his jacket as he stood in the mudroom of his sister’s modest farmhouse. Grace lived just minutes up the street from his parents. He hung his jacket on the coat hook in the mudroom and then stopped at the kitchen doorway. “Can’t I come over for dinner once in a while? Or do I need to wait to be invited?”
Grace stood at her stove. Her dark blond hair was pulled up in a clip in the back of her head. She rolled her eyes at Gray’s comment. “Don’t sound so wounded. You’re always welcome here and you know it. I just thought you were going to that rodeo in Aberdeen today.”
“I had a change of plans.”
“Oh, yeah? Was she pretty?”
Ignoring her comment, Gray stepped into the kitchen.
Grace cast him a warning stare, stopping him in his tracks. “Uh, uh. Boots off. I’m not cleaning the kitchen floor again tonight.”
He took a sniff of the food his sister had just taken out of the oven as he deposited his boots in the mudroom.
“What’s all the fuss? Are you expecting a hot date?”
Grace sputtered and tossed the potholders on the counter. “Yeah, right. I’m just getting ahead of cooking this week. Mom and Dad are coming over in a few minutes. I would have called you but Mom said you were busy.”
“My plans didn’t work out.”
Grace gave him a teasing smirk. “You’re getting good as sniffing out my lasagna, bro. Or did Mom tell you that’s what I was making?”
“Mom told me.”
“Well, there’s plenty.”
Gray reached over the casserole dish and tried to take a piece of crusted cheese off the top. Grace swatted his hand.
“Don’t you dare let Liam see you do that,” she whispered. “It’s a habit I’ve tried hard to break with him.”
“Where is my nephew? I thought for sure I’d see him out in the driveway on that skateboard.”
His Dakota Heart Page 3
