The Billionaire Bull: A Billionaire and Virgin Romance

by Romi Hart

  “Oh, she’ll be better than Barbara Walters!” I say with a congenial laugh. Barbara Walters’ raggedy, disgusting ass probably has mice living in it, that lisping bitch! Jesus, don’t say that out loud! This is going well, don’t jinx it! Just do what Maya would want me to do. Pretend like I’m the guy on camera and not a fucking corporate soulless ghoul!

  “You’re right!” Mark says as he taps his daughter’s hand. “She could do anything she sets her mind to. The sky is the limit.”

  “Oh, you know, on the subject,” I say, helping myself to a breadstick, “Maya and I were talking about doing a project together.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah…and I APOLOGIZE that I never got back to you. I was a jerk for, uh…making you wait so long.”

  She raises her brow at me.

  “But I really think we should ride this momentum now that it’s here. So I wanted to officially invite you to start doing one-shot interviews for our cable channel TRCK. Test demographics really think Maya would make an engaging TV personality. I want to help her move up in the world. NOT working for me, mind you, just a collaborate project.”

  Maya looks perturbed, even though parents are astonished.

  “That’s really nice,” Maya says, grabbing a pen and tablet from her purse. “But I don’t think I have time for that right now. You know, so many things going on at work. Busy season and all.”

  “Well, yes, but…”

  Maya discreetly passes me a note, making damn sure I get her signal to read it.

  I glance at the tablet.

  WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? I DON’T NEED YOUR CHARITY. I DON’T WANT A BRIBE FROM YOU!!!!

  “Oh, Maya,” I laugh, waving the note around.

  Maya gets nervous and flinches.

  “Don’t be silly. She just sent me a note saying I don’t need to do this. You are always so down on yourself, girl!” I smile happily. “Have confidence. I wouldn’t make the offer if I didn’t believe you have talent.”

  “You really think your people will accept Maya after she insulted you all over the Internet and news stations everywhere?” her dad says.

  “Of course. They well know I voluntarily choose to work with many of my former enemies. Sometimes they’re the people you can trust the MOST. They tell you sh…er, STUFF, that you don’t want to admit to yourself.”

  “Good point!” Merva says.

  “That’s some really good news,” Maya says, looking as thrilled as a Stepford Wife. She’s acting as muted and fake as I am right now. Probably in boiling rage that I’m doing the unthinkable and chatting with her parents. “But I don’t think I can accept. My job at the tax office really counts on me…”

  “We’ll double your salary. I mean…not a salary, per se, but we’ll pay you double.”

  “I don’t want to leave,” she says with a stern look. “I want to keep my job.”

  “Then we’ll work around your office hours. No big deal.”

  Maya suddenly stands up from the table…her frown quickly turns into a smile. “Wow, lucky me! Say, will you fine people excuse me just a minute?”

  “Sure!”

  “Come here, Troy,” she mutters in wrath. Ready to scold me! Ready to tear me a new asshole, feels like! “Let me talk to you in private. About that wonderful job offer!”

  “Well, I really hate paperwork when we’re trying to enjoy dinner…”

  “NOW!”

  Maya can’t even wait till we’re out of view of her folks…she starts poking my back and shoulders with those torpedo-strength little fingers of hers…

  “OW!”

  Maya pushes me against the next wall over, hiding us both from her parent’s view.

  I grin and throw my hands up in surrender. “If you’re going to rape me, I do not consent.”

  “You’re not funny,” Maya growls. “Look, I came here in a gesture of goodwill. You said in your letter no funny business!”

  “I meant it. No funny business, I haven’t been funny all night. I didn’t even tell any dick jokes. That’s how serious I am.”

  “And what the fuck is with the fake job? Is this your idea of a prank?”

  “Not a prank. A legitimate offer.”

  “Oh, so it’s a bribe? I am NOT accepting any job offer with you, Zander!”

  “Most applicants just call in to decline an offer, they don’t shove the executive against the wall and yell at him and stuff.”

  “Ughhh…” Maya huffs. She shakes her head at me and puffs her cheek, thinking I sure deserve a good smacking.

  “Come on. I haven’t embarrassed you once. I’ve been nothing but kind to you and your parents. Why won’t you forgive me?”

  “I do forgive you.”

  “Then why not give me another chance?”

  Maya shuts up and stews over the indecent proposal…

  “Who are we kidding?” I say, turning the camera charm on. “We both feel an attraction. We both…”

  “We talked about this,” Maya grumbles. “We are not at all alike. We want two different things…”

  “No, we don’t,” I say boldly. “I just want to be your Valentine’s Day boyfriend.”

  Maya suddenly flinches and loses some of her venom. My longing eyes make contact with hers, the rush of emotion and tingling of skin. At last she knows what I feel and she feels exactly what I want her to feel. This isn’t about love. This is just about sex. Sex that she wants. Something special…a night she’ll never forget. And I want to give that to her so badly…

  “You told me your terms,” I say, backing off a little bit in the power of my voice. I don’t want to scare her, just want to let her know this is for real. “I accept them. It’s just one day and night, the perfect date. The dream you had, I can give that to you.”

  “No, Zander,” she says softly. “You ruined that already.”

  “No, I didn’t. You want the Zander you thought existed, the charming nice guy, the charity guy, the superhero of the city? I can be him!”

  “I don’t want an act,” she says, folding her arms.

  “Maya, this isn’t an act. This is just two sides of my personality. The charming guy in front of the cameras IS me. But it’s not the me that goes to bed, it’s not the me that parties, drinks, gambles, and swears. We all have a dual nature. Maybe, you know…”

  “What?”

  “Maybe you have a dual nature, too. Maybe I can help you find your ‘other side’. Unleash your wild side.”

  Maya’s nervous blinking gives her away. She’s thinking about it. We’re finally on the same page, talking about the same things. We want the same thing…and for once, I can sense it in the air. I can feel her throbbing, feel her curiosity building to frenetic energy…the desire to let go and give the body what it wants…

  “That’s, uh…nice of you, Zander. But I don’t think I want that fantasy anymore.”

  “Kiss me,” I say with determination. “Then we’ll both know for sure.”

  “No!” Maya says, holding our eye contact strong. “Because your plan is to make me feel something. I probably would feel something, Zander, but that doesn’t mean I want something to happen. Got it?”

  My head turns to its side and I suspire in exhaustion. Just trying to convince this girl to have sex with me is leaving me panting and out of breath. She is truly the unattainable virgin that cannot be bought! God damn it, how much?!

  “Yes, but…”

  “You slept with my best friend!”

  “Oh, gimme a break, Maya. She was not your best friend. She was some girl who worked in the same office as you did. Big deal.”

  “Yeah, jerk-face! She was not a great friend, but I don’t HAVE the luxury of a lot of really cool friends, okay? I live a fairly isolated life, okay? But I really liked her and you just put this huge rift between us, ruining our potential friendship. That was a shitty thing to do.”

  “I’m sorry…”

  “I’m not like YOU, Zander, I don’t have thousands of people just chasing m
e all over the world, wanting to interview me, do commercials with me, fuck me silly, give me a free car just for showing up to a goddamned charity ball! I’m not like fucking YOU, okay? The two of us are not at all alike!”

  “But that’s what makes us so compatible.”

  “I don’t accept your job offer. And no, I will not sleep with you for Valentine’s Day. I have a boyfriend.”

  “That same guy? That loser you didn’t even bring to the dinner date…”

  “Yeah and Billy’s not a loser, asshole. He’s the guy I’m with now.”

  “I don’t see a ring on your finger.”

  “He doesn’t know he’s my boyfriend yet,” I say, gritting my teeth. “But he’s going to know soon enough. I’ll make it really fucking clear, if you get what I’m saying.”

  “I’m not jealous.”

  I watch Maya walk away and my heart pounds. My face goes white and I chase after her…for just a moment.

  “I’M NOT JEALOUS!” I say louder, but then force myself to smile as we both walk back to the table with her parents.

  Now both Maya and I are sitting down, fake-grinning at each other like we’re fucking clowns. So much to say, so much to yell at each other…and yet here we are, ready to swallow it all and eat.

  “Hmmm do I want chicken or do I want pork?” Mark says, still looking at the menu. “What do you think?” he asks his wife.

  “Chicken. Pork always makes you feel bloated.”

  Jesus. This is going to be a long fucking night, isn’t it? I suddenly lost my appetite.

  “Well then…” I say, getting up from the table. “I guess I’ll leave you lovely folks to your dinner.”

  “Awww, that’s so sweet,” Maya says, sending me rabid eyes, blinking in heavy sarcasm. “You’re such a nice guy, Zander.”

  “Have fun. Have fun with your boyfriend,” I sing back merrily.

  “Oh I will. Lots of fun. Thanks, Zander.”

  “You’re welcome.” Bitch. Cock-tease. I would so fuck you right now and make you beg for mercy…

  “Oh, and Zander?”

  “Yeah?” I turn back.

  “Can you please bring us back some more breadsticks?”

  I can’t help but laugh in disbelief. What gall. For a virgin girl, she sure has the biggest fucking mouth on her.

  “Oh, don’t worry about that Zander,” Merva says. “We’ll just ask the waiter.”

  “Please…” I say, taking out my wallet and grabbing hundreds like they’re fucking nothing to me! “How did you get here tonight?”

  “Uber…” the dad says meekly.

  “Cancel your Uber. Take the Limo I have waiting outside, whenever you’re ready. I insist.”

  “Thanks, Mister Troy!” the mom says. “Wow, he’s so much nicer in person than he looks on TV!”

  I fake smile and walk away, contorting my mouth in wrath…shaking in uncontrolled evil villainy! Sexual frustration…yeah, that’s what turns ordinary men into supervillains.

  A nice man. A superhero. A rich man, a leader. Aside from these abstract qualities, I have no idea what the world wants me to be. They want me to be the man from the commercials, an abstract figurehead, a hero, a champion of nothing in particular. They want me to be peripherally beautiful but empty inside…and yet they scoff when they learn my only master or god is money.

  Even the lovely Maya said that my lowbrow sensibility, my lack of impulse control, WAS the problem. Perhaps she feels that her boyfriend “Billy” would make a better husband, a better father. Why? Because he believes in a Catholic God like she does? Or because he doesn’t have obscene wealth and an extravagant lifestyle? Maybe THAT makes him heroic. That makes him a decent, honest person.

  My obsession with Maya has spread to this mysterious Billy Rogers character. She let his name slip during one particularly rushed phone call. She mentioned that Billy was an agronomy sales representative. Bald, white and what Maya calls “beautiful on the inside”.

  It didn’t take me long to look up a William J. Rogers in listed Fort Worth agronomy sales. Twenty-five years old and very “beautiful on the inside”, judging from his dorky website headshot photo.

  It was also easy to call his direct number and mention that I had a business proposition for him…to be delivered in person, over lunch. Naturally, it was an offer Billy, or his superiors, couldn’t refuse…especially when they heard my name.

  I stand up to meet Billy and shake his hand, giving him a congenial smile that suggests I have absolutely no interest in his personal life. But something David always told me still rings true…sometimes business must become personal.

  I told Billy to meet me at Jerry’s Deli, for a brief chat. I stand up and welcome him to his seat across from me. As I sit down, I focus my wrath upon his gerbil eyes. His docile posturing and moronic smile instantly put me in a bad mood.

  “It’s an honor to meet you, Mister Troy,” Billy says energetically. “When they told me I was actually meeting with YOU and not some sales rep, I was floored. I tell you what…this is kind of a dream come true.”

  “Oh yes, for me, too,” I say mindlessly. “Well, more like a daydream than a lucid dream.”

  “Well heck, I know you’re doing us all the favors. But just the honor to work with you is all that matters to me.”

  “Yes. And I wonder…are you a self-starter, Billy? Do you mind if I call you Billy?”

  “No, that’s fine,” he says cluelessly. “Well yeah, I’m a go-getter. I own my own small business even though my top clients keep me in business. But I found those clients working my butt off. Being a self-starter is just—?”

  “Yeah whatever, that’s great. So if you were to receive a large amount of money, such as…I don’t know…a non-repayable grant…what would that do for business?”

  Billy stares silently until he erupts into laughter. “Well…now I’m thinking I’m the one dreaming. I mean is this a prank? Am I on America’s Funniest Videos?”

  “What is that? America’s what?”

  “Oh it was a…just a show from the 1990s. Not sure why I keep talking about it since it was like twenty years ago”

  “No, Billy. Bad move. Don’t be talking about shit from the 1990s. Think modern. Think contemporary, the zeitgeist of TODAY!”

  “Right! You’re right.”

  “Today it’s all about the VINES. Have you seen those vines on YouTube?”

  “Oh yeah, that shit cracks me up-”

  “Billy, don’t swear. It’s not professional during an interview.”

  “Oh, sorry.”

  “I mean, I’m the client, I could say whatever the fuck I want. But you need me, so you need to play it safely. You feel me?”

  “Right. Yeah I’m learning stuff from you already!”

  “You know what I like the most, Billy?” My disposition sours as I feel my blood pressure spike. This bastard is not going to take away my Maya. “Those funny YouTube videos where the birds are misbehaving. Yes…the chicken videos. Chickens chasing cats, chasing dogs. Chasing people. It’s quite poetic in a way. Very mollifying.”

  “Ummm, yeah, I guess so. Very fowl behavior, right?”

  Billy laughs but I stare him down in snarling rage.

  “Sorry. I know a few chicken jokes. Want to hear them?”

  “NO, I don’t, you fucking inbred hick!” The very idea of Maya choosing HIM over ME is making my skin crawl. Who does this dickhead country-bumpkin Romeo think he is?

  “Excuse me?”

  “You dishonest, lying scumbag chicken-farmer shit-kicking dildo!”

  Billy smiles in confusion. “Am I being pranked? Is this a Logan Paul thing or…”

  “The only PRANK is that Maya likes YOU when she could have a real man like me.”

  My nostrils flare as my hand grips the table.

  “Ohhh…” Billy says, scratching his head. “Ohhh!” he says with an inappropriate smile forming on his face. “I get it. You’re the psycho ex Maya keeps talking about.”

  “EX? No,
I’m NOT her ex.”

  “Yeah, you’re not her ex,” he agrees. “Because she friend-zoned you before you got anywhere near her, that’s what she told me. Damn, partner, that must hurt to have a cute country girl like Maya dump your billionaire ass!”

  “NO, she didn’t dump me. We are going to be together. That’s why I’m here.”

  “Dude, I’m not going to fight you. And if you think Maya’s going to respect you just because you’re trying to alpha cock your way into her life, you’ve got another thing coming.”

  “Alpha cock? Is that an agronomy expression?”

  “Cock as in a rooster. Not as in your anatomy, weirdo. Look, I’m not going to get into a pissing contest with you. Let Maya make her choice. But if you feel the need to come here and make threats, I suspect you’re losing and I’m winning.”

  “On the contrary, BILLY, I came here not to make threats, but to make peace.”

  I grab my wallet and pull cash out like I’m throwing bread for the birds.

  I throw down a stack of bills on the table.

  “What is this?”

  “Your ‘grant’ money, Silly Willy. I want you to leave Maya alone. Voluntarily.”

  He laughs and stares at me in disbelief. “I can’t be bought. Neither can Maya.”

  I slap down more bills. “Count it.”

  “What…it’s twelve grand. I make twelve grand in a few months. What do you think this is, some fucking…fucking…”

  Billy flinches as I slap down another hundred grand. Dirty, filthy cash, pulled straight from a hooker’s tits. So reject my money, then, if it’s such a bane to your heroic existence.

  “How much is that?” he asks.

  “Over a hundred grand. I believe that’s the most dirty money any man has ever paid another man to simply walk away from a conversation.”

  “No,” he says proudly. “I’ll make that in two years. And in two years, I know I can win Maya’s heart. Some people can’t be bought, you know.”

  “Yes, well, some people are stubborn, aren’t they?”

  “Yes, you are!”

  “Have you gone to bed with her yet, Billy?” I ask with a wicked grin. “Don’t lie. She’s friend-zoned you just the same. The only difference, Billy, is that you will never bed Maya. You don’t have that special SPARK that she needs to feel horny. I do. I’m already halfway into her. She will come around sooner or later because no woman ever says no to Zander Troy. No woman can resist the touch of royalty. I just need YOU to stop fucking up my timeframe.”