Jaded (Rock Star Trilogy)

by Amare, Mercy

  I paddle back over to where Stephan and Ethan are, shortly followed by Bridgett. Stephan high fives us both.

  “You guys were awesome. A few days of this, and you'll be pro in no time!”

  “If my arms don't fall off first,” Bridgett complains, rubbing her forearm. “This is a serious workout.”

  I'm not feeling it yet, though I use my arm muscles a lot more. Or, at least I used to. I should probably do some kind of work out so my arms don't get weak.

  9:16 am

  Breakfast conversations...

  We go to Stephan and Ethan's house for breakfast, and their mom goes all out. Bacon, eggs, fruit, toast, biscuits, gravy, and every kind of cereal known to mankind.

  “Please tell me you guys don't eat like this every morning,” I say, eying all the food.

  “We don't,” Ethan assures me. “Just on the weekends, and during the summer.”

  “Girls, don't worry. It's turkey bacon,” Sarah tells us, setting down a huge plate of bacon. “Less fat, and it's better for you.”

  “Thank you, Sarah,” I smile at her. “Have you met my sister, Bridgett?”

  “Yeah,” Bridgett answers for her. “We went shopping the other day while you were at school.”

  “How did I not know this?”

  Bridgett shrugs.

  “Well, I'm glad you found something to do while I'm at school,” I say. “It's got to be boring staying home all day.” I turn towards Sarah, and say, “I've told her she can take my car, but she always refuses.” I say it because I don't want her to think I'm making her stay home.

  “Your house is awesome, Scar. I could never get bored there,” she rolls her eyes at me, like I'm crazy. “And I'm not driving a car that costs more than a college education. What if I wreck it?”

  “That's what insurance is for. Besides, it's not like I couldn't afford another one. In fact, let me buy you your own car.”

  “No! Seriously. I came here to get to know you. I don't want to take anything from you. That isn't what this is about.”

  “I know,” I try to calm her down. “Seriously, Bridge, you're my sister, and I love you. I want to do this. It doesn't even have to be an expensive car. Anything you want is yours.”

  “I will not take something I didn't earn.”

  An idea hits me. “You could be my manager.”

  She laughs. “Yeah right. I have no experience, no college degree, nothing. I would have no clue what to do.”

  “It's easy! All you have to do is answer a phone and keep things organized. Make sure I don't double book anything.” I am suddenly getting excited. “Since I'm on break, it's not too crazy right now. Once I start back next year, I will hire you an assistant.”

  “That's an excellent idea,” Ethan says, reminding me there are other people in the room.

  “Let me think about it,” she says.

  “Take your time,” I smile. “It's a huge decision. Just let me know what you decide.”

  “Ok.” She nods. “Tell me, are all breakfast conversations always this crazy?”

  Everybody laughs, and we start eating the ginormous breakfast.

  10:43 am

  Scum bag

  After breakfast, Bridgett and I go home to take showers. Stephan and Ethan are going to come over to hang out later, and we are going to watch movies.

  I'm about to head to my room to take a shower when I hear Bridgett. It sounds like she's sick. I walk to her room and try to twist her bathroom doorknob, but it's locked.

  I knock on the door. “Bridgett? Are you ok?”

  A few seconds later, I hear the toilet flush and she opens the door. “I'm fine.” She leans over the sink and splashes water on her face.

  “What's wrong, Bridgett? You can talk to me about anything.”

  She looks at me with tears in her eyes, and I can tell that she is going to open up to me. “When I was 14, I had an eating disorder. I was able to hide it for two years. I was careful not to throw up at home, or around friends. Once my parent's found out, they got me help. I spent three months in a psychiatric hospital. After that I was better, and I haven't made myself throw up in almost three years. And then I caught my boyfriend of two years cheating with my college roommate. Since then, I've been sick again. I don't want to. I hate this part of me. But it makes me feel better, Scarlett. I don't want to miss him anymore.”

  “That guy is a scum bag for what he did to you.” I couldn't help the tears that fell from my eyes. My sister... my BEST FRIEND... was hurting. It hurt me to see her hurting. “But you are so much better than this.”

  She begins to sob at my words, and I hug her tightly.

  “I will help you, I promise,” I whisper in her ear. “No matter what, I will always be here for you.”

  “I know. I'm sorry that I let you down.”

  “You didn't,” I promise her. “Just please, don't keep anything from me anymore. You are the most important person in the world to me. I am going to help you. No judgment.”

  “Thank you.”

  I call Stephan and let him know that Bridgett isn't feeling well. The truth is, we both need some sister time. I got a hold of a therapist who agreed to see us later on. I couldn't be there for my sister those two years she was sick before, but I can be there for her now. She is my priority.

  Monday, September 28

  7:32 am

  I like you way too much.

  I go to school on Monday. I hate leaving Bridgett, but the therapist assured us it was important to keep up normal routines. She hasn't thrown up since Saturday morning, which isn't long, I know, but I think she is going to be ok. On Saturday, Bridgett talked to the therapist alone for about an hour, and then we both talked to her. Since then, I really feel like she's been feeling better. I know it's a long road of recovery, but I have complete faith in her.

  Stephan rides with me to school, as usual.

  “Is Bridgett feeling better?” He sounds concerned, and it feels good to know that he cares about my family.

  I nod. “I think so. We just needed some sister bonding time.”

  “So, I was wondering...” he rubs his hands on his jeans like he's nervous. “When you said that about going back to LA after you graduate...”

  I cut him off. “When I say that, I mean I'm not done with music. It's my dream, and it's about time I start living my dream my way.”

  He smiles, but I can tell it's forced. “Good. I'm glad you're doing this. You deserve it.”

  “Stephan, what is it you're not saying?” I push.

  He clears his throat. “Well, I know this is all... premature... But let's say that we are still dating in nine months when you leave, what would happen to us?”

  I bite my lip to keep from smiling. It's true that it is premature, thinking like this. I know it's dangerous, but I can't help but be thrilled about Stephan thinking about a future with me.

  “Well, I guess I would just have to take you with me,” I say, staring at the road ahead. I'm scared to look at him... Mostly scared to see what his reaction is.

  “Of course, this is all hypothetical.” I can hear the smile in his voice. “You could definitely dump me before then.”

  “Or you could dump me.”

  “Not going to happen. You would definitely be the one doing the dumping,” he argues.

  I shake my head. “No way. I'm never dumping you.” Ok, maybe it's a little cheesy and cliché, but I can't help but be thrilled by our conversation.

  “Then I guess we are stuck together.”

  “Of course,” I say. “Unless you cheat on me. Then, I'm totally dumping you. No hard feelings or anything, I just don't like cheaters.”

  He clears his throat. “I would never cheat on you. I've seen how bad cheating hurts people first hand, and I would never do that to you.”

  And now I feel bad. “Crap, Stephan, I'm sorry. I wasn't even thinking. I didn't mean to say that.”

  “It's ok,” he responds. “I just needed you to know that I would never do that. I like
you way too much.”

  There is no hiding my smile. “I like you a lot, too.”

  12:07 pm

  Feelings and crap

  Stephan and I sit where Ethan and I used to sit. Now Ethan sits with the “populars”. I see why Mona was so hard against Ethan and Stephan now, but I still don't like her. She really blames the wrong person for what her mother and Stephan's father did. In her own twisted way, she thinks the whole thing is Stephan's fault. Maybe blaming somebody other than her mother helps her cope.

  I laugh at my thoughts. Geez, I go to one therapy session and I think I'm an expert on feelings and crap.

  Stephan and I are in the middle of a conversation about what makes a car run when we are disrupted. Thank God. I didn't think I could handle one more minute of listening about how a fuel filter works.

  “Can I talk to you?” Mona asks.

  Ok, so it's not exactly somebody I want to talk to... But anything to get me out of this dreadful conversation about cars.

  “Sure,” I say, then turn to Stephan. “Give me just a minute.”

  I follow Mona out of the cafeteria and into the hallway. She stops abruptly, then turns to me. She looks at the ground for a few seconds, and fidgets with her hands.

  “I just...” she pauses. “I want to apologize for the party. It isn't your fault. What happened, it's between Stephan and me.”

  I shake my head. “You think that this is between you two?”

  “Yeah,” she nods.

  “THIS was between your parents, and Stephan had no part of this,” I defend him. “It's not me you should be apologizing to, it's Stephan.”

  She looks at me with tears in her eyes. “Well, it's his fault that the whole school knows. I was happy keeping the whole thing a secret.”

  “Nothing is a secret in this town, Mona. NOTHING. I highly doubt Stephan told the secret, but even if he did, it was only a matter of time before it got out.”

  “I really don't care. Seeing him, it's just a reminder of the whore my mother was. I don't want to hate my mom, but everyday when I pass him in the hallways, I hate her a little more.” Her voice is cold.

  “You have issues. I really think you should talk to somebody about it, because this is not healthy. Hate is a terrible feeling, especially since you feel it towards your deceased parent... And carrying around this burden for two years has got to be terrible.”

  “I didn't know until six months ago! Stephan was the one who told me. Maybe everybody else knew, but I was blissfully unaware. My father lied about her death. He didn't want me to know what really happened. He didn't want me to hate her like he hates her.”

  I am not sure what I am supposed to say to her, but I know the words out of my mouth are completely wrong. “I'm sorry that he told you, but at least he had the balls to tell you the truth, unlike your father.”

  “You bitch.” She shoves me, and then storms off.

  She's right. I am a bitch. I can't believe I just said that to her. That was so terrible.

  3:07 pm

  Just a loner

  I feel like shit the rest of the day. I feel so terrible about what I said to Mona, and my heart feels heavy with guilt. I know that I have to apologize to her, but I also know she needs time to cool off first.

  “What is wrong with you? You've been so quiet ever since your talk with Mona.”

  I sigh. “I said something kind of mean to her. I was just defending you, but still, it came out all wrong. I was a complete bitch to her.”

  “What did you say?” he asks.

  “Well, she told me that you were the one to tell her about the affair. And then I responded by telling her at least you had the balls to tell her the truth, unlike her father.” I hang my head just a little as I tell him. “I am such a terrible person.”

  He laughs, and not just a “ha, ha”, I mean he is laughing so hard he literally has tears coming out of his eyes.

  “It's not funny.”

  “She played you, Scar. Mona is the biggest bitch I have ever met, and she's a damn good actress too. She knew the whole time.”

  “It didn't seem like she knew,” I say, remembering the tears in her eyes.

  “Like I said, she deserves a fucking Oscar. Not only is she a good liar, but she's a manipulator too.” He shakes his head angrily. “Ever wonder why nobody at school talks to me? Like ever...” He pauses. “Or at least until the bonfire.”

  Actually, I hadn't, but I don't let him know that. “I always thought you were just a loner.”

  “Nope,” he informs me. “I actually had quite a few friends before the end of school last year.”

  “And here I was feeling sorry for her...” I try to shake it off, but I can't. I decide that I am definitely going to apologize to Mona. Playing me or not, she deserves an apology for what I said to her.

  “Mona has never been a victim a day in her life. Don't feel sorry for her.”

  I'm beginning to think the hate is very two sided, but I don't say anything. From now on, I am going to keep my nose out of it. They will work it out on their own.

  “So do you want to hang out tonight? Ethan's dad installed this killer sound system, and I am in need of an action movie marathon.”

  “Not tonight. Bridgett and I have a follow up appointment...” I shut my mouth suddenly. Crap, what am I supposed to say?

  “Follow up appointment?”

  “We are seeing a therapist,” which is the truth. “You know, the whole being separated for 19 years... It's been a hard adjustment,” I lie. I hate lying, but it isn't my secret to tell, and I feel like I have to protect Bridgett.

  “That's probably a good thing. Maybe we can just hang out tomorrow?”

  “Sure,” I say.

  Friday, October 2

  5:15 pm

  More than lust.

  The week goes by too fast, and too slow at the same time. I'm so nervous about my day tomorrow, seeing Stacy after nine years. I'm scared that she will hate me... Scared that I will find out that I am the reason she left, which is just crazy I know. I was 10 at the time. It wasn't my fault, but I can't help but feel partly responsible.

  Friday afternoon, Bridgett and I go hang out at Stephan's house. Bridge is hanging out with Ethan, and Sarah. They are all cooking dinner. My sister actually likes to cook, which is something else we definitely do not have in common.

  Stephan and I sneak off to his room.

  “So you've never cooked before, ever?” he asks, as we walk into his room.

  “I can honestly say that I haven't. Not even boiling water,” I admit. “However, I have microwaved food before.” Only a couple of times on the tour bus, but I don't tell him that.

  “We are going to have to change that.”

  “Totally,” I agree. “Maybe we can have a romantic dinner on Sunday? You can cook for me, while I watch of course.”

  “Or we could cook together,” he suggests. “Of course, you'd have to promise to wear something sexy.”

  “I could be naked,” I joke, pulling off my shirt. I have a tank top on underneath, but the look on Stephan's face is priceless.

  He nods, approvingly. “I would be ok with you being nude. In fact, I would kind of enjoy it.”

  I put my hands on my hips, and try to look shocked. “Stephan, are you trying to seduce me?”

  “Maybe.” He smiles at me, and I feel my knees get weak. A smile should not do that. He pulls me into his arms, and gently puts his lips on mine. When our lips touch, I feel as though my heart completely stops, then it jumps into overdrive. I can never get enough of Stephan, never enough of this feeling...

  I've never been in love and I'm not even sure what I'm feeling is love. I just know that I never want this feeling to go away. It's more than just lust, more than just like.

  Stephan puts his hand on the small of my back, and gently pulls me closer to him until every inch of our body is touching. With his other hand, he's holding the back of my neck.

  I want so much more than to just kiss him. I wan
t nothing more than for him to throw me down on his bed, and have his way with me. I want him to devour every inch of my body, but he doesn't. I realize the fact that he keeps his hands at a safe spot and the fact that he hasn't tried to have sex with me is the reason why I am falling for him.

  Yes, I know... After one month of knowing Stephan, I admit that I am falling for him. Maybe it's too fast, but I don't care. I can't help how I'm feeling. I know Stephan better than I've known anybody, and he knows me. I've told him all my dark, and dirty secrets – and he still is crazy about me.

  A sudden knock on the door makes us step away from each other quickly. Ethan sticks his head through the crack, and he looks at us with amusement.

  “Dinner is almost ready,” he says, then leaves.

  I let out the breath that I realize I had been holding. “Wow.” I don't mean to say it, it just comes out of my mouth.

  “Yeah, wow,” Stephan agrees. He walks back over to me, and puts his arms around me. “You know that I'm crazy about you, right?”

  I nod. “The feeling is very mutual.”

  “I know.” He kisses my forehead, then grabs my hand, pulling me behind him.

  9:37 pm

  'Swimming'.

  “So, tomorrow is the big day,” Stephan reminds me.

  After dinner, we went back to my house. Bridgett is in her room, and me and Stephan are swimming in the pool. Well, we are doing more making out than actual 'swimming.'

  “It is,” I sigh. I really don't want to talk. I'd rather make out with Stephan, and forget all about tomorrow.

  “Are you nervous?” he asks.

  “Yes.” I nod. “More nervous than I have ever been in my whole entire life. Even more than my first sold out concert, more than performing at the Grammy Awards, more than my first TV interview...”

  “That bad?” He kisses the end of my nose. “No matter how it goes, you need this Scarlett.”

  “I know,” I agree. “But let's talk about something else, please. I just need to clear my mind.”

  “What do you want to talk about?” he says, scooting closer. I almost lose my train of thought when his finger traces my collarbone, but I push his hand back.