by Moore, Mary
She heaved a despairing sigh. “I think Lord Devlin was falling in love with you, yet you could not seem to trust your heart to him. I know all that you have been through and I have suffered every pain with you—maybe more, because you cannot know what it is like to watch your child suffer. But I thought this time you had come to care for someone enough to let him show you that his love was sufficient to overcome your obstacles.
“As your mother I want so very much to help you, but, as usual, I sense your need to be alone. I am smart enough to know that the comfort I want to give you probably would not help, in any event. Your independence has always been an enigma to me, but if you need me, I will be here for you.” With that Nicole’s mother walked out of the room.
That was all she could take. Nicole could face no more and she ran to her room in tears. She cried for hours—for her father, for her family and mostly for the mistake she knew would haunt her for the rest of her life. She finally cried herself to sleep.
Nicole awoke late into the night. The house was completely quiet. Could it all have been a nightmare? Oh, please, God, let it have been a nightmare. But she knew it was not when she realized she was still in her clothes from this afternoon. What should she do? All she could think of was Devlin. She was almost glad she could not see, not well enough to see his face in any event, knowing the look of hatred that must have been there. At least she would not have to remember that the rest of her life.
Lord Devlin had not deserved her distrust, and she knew she had hurt him. She could not leave things as they were. The least she could do now was apologize, explain and leave his life forever. She had never been a coward, but she knew in time she could convince herself it was unnecessary. So she must see him now. He was probably at his club relating the terrible deception she had perpetrated on the ton, but she would go to his home and wait for him. It was more than improper—it was social suicide—but she had no thought of anything or anyone but Devlin.
She got up and brushed and pulled her hair back in a ribbon. There was no point in changing: she could not do it by herself and she would be wearing a cloak, in any event.
Nicole knocked on Toby’s door across the hall and waited as she heard muffled curses as he shuffled to his door. When it opened, the shock in his voice was apparent. “Miss Nick, I mean Lady Nick, what is it? Is something wrong?” He looked at his pocket watch on the dresser. “It’s two o’clock in the morning!” He had been outside when Lord Devlin had started his tirade, and Nicole could only imagine the restraint he had used. She was glad he had known to stay with Chelsea.
“Shush, Toby. I need you to go with me to Lord Devlin’s. I need to talk to him before we leave London, and I believe this is the only time I should be allowed to approach his home.”
Panic caused Toby to stutter as he coaxed her back to her own room. “N-no, m-y lady. Uh, I know a little more ’bout gentlemen than you do, and now is not the time to be trying to explain anything. Give ’im some time to cool down, and we can try to set things aright tomorrow.”
“Toby, I mean to leave here in ten minutes with or without you. Now, if you are coming, get dressed and I will meet you in the foyer. Do not worry about a carriage. We will take a hackney so we do not have to wake the stable boys.”
“Miss Nick, this is crazy…” he began, but at her look of agony he said, “I’m going, I’m going.”
Toby did his best to put a halt to her plan during the ride to Lord Devlin’s house. He told her if his lordship was home, and if his lordship was awake, he would be in no mood to hold a rational conversation with a delicate female.
Nicole just patted his hand like he was some child who did not understand. “Do not worry, Toby, I am not trying to change things. I know it is too late for that. I just want a chance to explain, to apologize and to ask him to forgive me.”
The pounding on his door at two-thirty in the morning finally broke through Devlin’s haze of sleep and brandy. “What is that racket?” he muttered as he heard his butler scramble through the foyer and unbolt the door. The sound of a feminine voice registered somewhere in the recesses of his brain, but he could not reconcile that to the pounding. Devlin was drunk. He had always been able to hold his liquor, but an entire afternoon of downing one brandy after another had left his head pounding almost as loudly as the front door.
Grant entered the library softly and said in the most surprised voice Devlin had ever heard from his butler, “My lord, there is a young lady here. Lady Nicole Beaumont. She says she will not leave until she has spoken to you.”
“Tell her to go away, and do not disturb me again.”
Apparently Nicole had bidden Toby to follow the abashed butler to the library. They heard Devlin’s order, but they pushed past the butler into the room. “I will not go away, my lord, until I have spoken to you. Please let me have my say, then you will never have to see me again.”
“If that is what it will take that I may never set eyes on you again, have your say and go.”
Toby led her to a high-back chair near Devlin, but she did not sit. He wondered if she needed the strength of that chair to face him.
Nicole took a breath, beginning to speak, but was again interrupted by Devlin’s slurred words. “You may be able to tell, madame, that I am in no condition to behave with decorum or carry on an intelligent conversation. Indeed, I probably will not remember this even happened, so this is an exercise in futility. You have had your fun, you have duped an earl and while you did not get the hoped-for marriage proposal, there’s always the Bath Season.”
Nicole had not realized the hatred she had aroused in him and every minute now was breaking her resolve, her calm and her heart. “No!” she shouted. “My lord, I came to London as a promise to my mother. When my father died and I began working on the estate, she used to berate me for trying to fill the void my father left with work. I told you that she tried several times to convince me to come, but I always refused. When I had my accident…lost my sight, it took me a while to get my life back to some sort of normalcy. But with my family’s help and Toby’s loyalty, I pulled through. However, my mother now had the added impetus of seeing a London doctor to persuade me to come. I finally agreed.”
Once she started, Nicole found she could not seem to stop, even for a breath. She was not sure he was listening, but she had to finish this. “I only agreed on the promise that we would keep my loss of sight a secret as long as possible so people would not feel awkward around us. Mother was opposed to such a plan, but I was adamant and with Toby’s help I learned to deal with most situations quite normally. My sole purpose for this trip was to allow Mama and Chelsea their share of some of Town’s enjoyment, and to submit to one more doctor’s exam to help them accept the inevitable.”
She choked on the thought. “I never put myself forward or openly lied to the ton. If you remember, you never even noticed me until we met on the Swathmore terrace a full two months after the Season started!”
She knew she had to keep going. Obviously it was to be her one and only opportunity. “That night on the terrace was a mistake. I know that now. I should have left you immediately, but it had been so long since someone had conversed with me without embarrassment or sympathy. It was a lapse in judgment on my part, and I apologize. I never thought to see you again. When I did, I justified my continued silence by reminding myself that our visit was almost at an end. I was sure you would not even remember me.
“When we became friends, I should have told you. Again, I made a grievous error. My whole family liked you and pleaded with me to tell you, but I found my fears had changed. I knew if you rejected…I knew if you rejected me, I would never be happy again. I never intended to lie to you or to hurt you, and I am sorry if I have embarrassed you. I told you from the start that I had no interest in marriage. I was not trying to trap you into it. Can you please try to understand and forgive me? I have asked for God’s forgiveness, now I ask for yours.”
“I find it rather ironic that you have the auda
city to bring your God into this. Did you ask Him to forgive your deceit, or did you ask Him to forgive you for getting caught?”
Nicole flinched as if he had landed her a physical blow.
“Are you finished?” Devlin asked so coldly that it felt like a winter wind had come through the room.
At the undisguised anger in his tone, Nicole slowly closed her eyes in defeated resignation. “Yes, my lord,” she said quietly. “I just wanted you to know the truth before we left London.”
“Toby?” Devlin asked from his chair, never once turning around. “I know you are hovering somewhere, ready to pounce upon me should I decide to do physical harm to your mistress. Get her out of here and do not bring her back.”
Nicole sobbed quietly most of the way home—the kind of sobbing that came from total defeat. When they drew near the townhouse, she wiped her nose and said, “Toby, I am sorry for all I have put you through. You have seen me at my worst, and I would not blame you if you left. I will always be in your debt, and I will never forget you or stop loving you.”
“I ain’t leaving, Lady Nick, and you know it. I told you ’e would be in no state of mind to be listening to this tonight, but you ’ave a stubborn streak a mile wide. If you want to try to talk to ’im again, I’ll take you back. But it will ’ave to be when ’e ain’t so drunk, and if ’e sputters off like ’e did tonight, I’ll darken ’is daylights!”
“Do not worry, Toby, I am not going back. I have made a terrible mess of it all. He will never forgive me, and he will never believe anything I have ever told him.” Tears began to stream down her face and she added, “He will never believe a word I have ever told him about God. I knew that was God’s purpose in giving him to me for a little while, and I was found wanting.”
How had it turned out this way? She thought if she went to him—explained it to him—he would understand. She had always feared that he could not cope with her blindness. Now she knew. To her, hiding the blindness had been a sin of omission. To him, it was a lie. And that lie had destroyed everything.
Nicole wanted to convince him that their friendship was real. Their like-mindedness had been a real bond. But she had failed miserably, and there was no hope of a reconciliation…or forgiveness. The tears flowed freely down her cheeks.
And back at Devlin’s townhouse, Jared DeVale cried as he had not since he was a boy.
Chapter Eleven
As Nicole sat with her mother in Dr. Morrison’s office the following morning, despair almost entirely engulfed her. She would never forget Lord Devlin’s angry words or the conviction of her perfidy in his voice as he sent her from his sight forever.
Her thoughts were forcibly interrupted by a man’s voice, getting louder as he neared her chair. “Good morning, ladies. I must apologize for keeping you waiting.”
Nicole did not know what to expect of the highly recommended physician. After the accident two years before, Nicole had visited several doctors. Michael admitted at the outset that he was no expert in her particular injury, and even urged her to seek other medical advice. His contacts had been numerous, and he had accompanied her to those visits to hear the prognosis of each one.
What always surprised her were the hurried examinations and quick assertions that nothing further could be done. She did not expect miracles from mere men, but she was inclined to believe doctors a gifted breed with an intense desire to help others.
What she discovered during her many consultations was exactly the opposite. The more renowned the man’s reputation, the more egotistical the man. If they could diagnose your malady instantly, they were heroes and given their due accolades. Should they be unable to quickly cure your complaint, it was somehow due to your own weakness or should never have been referred to them at all.
Nicole had become very disenchanted with the medical profession, and she bade Michael never to become so impervious to the problems of others. Then she realized that it was she who put them on pedestals to begin with. She had fancied them all called by God to devote their lives to their hippocratic oath. She had not been naive enough to believe a patient could always be cured. Yet she had somehow expected that bedside manner and compassion were a natural part of the gift. She had even come to look forward to the time when she and Michael were married and were a team. Though only Michael could impart his medical findings, she thought she had enough heartfelt compassion for others to encourage and minister to those he was helping.
The previous letdowns came unwillingly to Nicole’s mind, and she had to push back her impatience to leave this office unexamined. She just wished to be left alone. But Dr. Morrison’s next words caused guilt to override her former bitterness.
“I prefer to spend as much time as I possibly can on a patient’s initial consultation. While that provides me much-needed information, it often causes my scheduling to fall dreadfully behind.” His words were spoken with such candor that Nicole felt a release of tension.
As he shook hands and traded amenities with her mother, Nicole had an inclination to laugh at herself. Had she not learned as near as yesterday that she had no ability to judge another’s character? She had been misjudging others consistently, even as far back as Michael.
But the doctor was soon before her, raising her hand in his, making her forget for a moment the debacle she had created with Devlin. He led her and her mother into a different room that smelled of his sandalwood cologne, well-worn leather and permanent traces of cheroot. The unpretentious scents calmed her. She suddenly pictured a graying man in his late fifties, much like her father—caring, wise and committed. She began to thaw.
He moved away from her, and she could tell by the sound that he had seated himself behind his desk. “I have not had the pleasure of working with Dr. Gibson since our service on the continent, but I am proud that he would suggest I might succeed where he could not.”
Nicole did not tell this polite man her opinion of the cold and calculating Dr. Gibson, but was glad that her mother had taken his referral to heart. She only hoped this doctor’s polite words about his colleague were an indication of his kindness and not another telltale sign of the “brotherhood” of the profession. She would certainly not allow her hopes to rise, but her instinct told her that Dr. Morrison would leave no stone unturned in his search for answers. She must remember God’s constant presence in even the smallest details of her life.
The doctor was speaking again in a calm, gentle manner. “I should like to start at the beginning and hear as much as I may before we do an actual exam.”
Nicole proceeded to relate the events that transpired on the day of her accident in a concise, intelligent manner. She heard his pen scratching frantically as she spoke. He uttered not a word until she had nearly reached the end of her recital.
“Excuse me, my lady. I want to be sure I understand you. You are not in total darkness, is that correct?”
“Yes, Dr. Morrison. I was totally blind for a short period of time, a few weeks, I believe, while it was assumed there was some sort of swelling or temporary damage. When I suddenly was able to tell light from darkness, we hoped my problems seeing were due to the bump on the head, and there was no actual injury to the eyes. But that is the best it has ever gotten. If I am staring in the direction of a sunlit window and someone should cross in front of it, I can perceive that. But there is little else I could tell you. Whether that someone was inside or outside, or whether it was a man or woman, I would not know. Of course, at night, unless I am in a brightly candlelit room, I cannot even tell that much.”
“That was quite excellent, young lady. I can see I shall have a cooperative arrangement with you from the start.”
Nicole sobered but did not return to her previous state of anxiety. She waited patiently for his first question. She wished sincerely that she could see the doctor’s face so she could gauge his expressions. But for now she knew she must wait.
“I believe that is a very good beginning. Lady Beaumont, if you would kindly help your daughter into my e
xamining room, I may begin to study the area of Lady Nicole’s injury.”
They returned to his office after the intensive exam. The waiting was always the worst part, Nicole thought. In the past this was where the doctors had always come and affirmed that the damage was permanent, and she would feel her heart break just a little more. And after yesterday she was not sure her poor heart could stand such another wound. Tears filled her eyes as her thoughts turned to the dreadful scenes with Devlin. Fortunately for her sanity, Dr. Morrison came back into the room before she made a complete fool of herself.
Nicole found her emotions very close to the surface, not out of fear but due to the sincerity in the man’s voice. She realized she had finally met the physician whose goal was to help each of his patients. For that she would not make the job of telling her the inevitable any harder for him.
“Dr. Morrison, please do not fret so. That your news is the same as that of the others in no way reflects the very different experience this has been for me. You are not God that I would expect you to wave a hand and heal me. I do have the hope of God one day doing just that. Insofar as doctors are concerned, all I ever truly wished for was a caring attempt to solve the problem. You have more than amply met my wishes.”
He was a little stunned. “I would not have you leave here believing I can give you any answer for the good or bad, this day. If that has been your experience with my esteemed associates, I can only apologize on their behalf.
“It appears to me, at first blush, that your case involves at least one other area besides your eyes. Traumas to the head are not in my area of expertise, so I can in no way make a complete medical determination based on my examination alone. A bruise or blow to the area of the brain that tells the eyes what to do could just as easily have caused your blindness. I should like the opportunity to discuss your case with a number of my confederates, whose abilities in these other areas would allow us to combine our data for a more complete diagnosis.”
