by Moore, Mary
“Our prayers were answered that day. Lady Nick’s love for other people, especially ’er family, broke through ’er own misery. She started the long climb back. She memorized every piece of furniture in ’er room, then in the whole ’ouse. She wouldn’t leave it ’til she could get anywhere she wanted by counting steps. She didn’t want to disturb anyone else. She said she realized God’s plan for ’er ’ad always been to ’elp those around ’er, jest not married to the Doc. She wouldn’t be a burden to ’im. She even offered to keep ’elping him!
“Outside was ’arder but that’s when our agreement started up. Outside she wasn’t safe unless someone was close enough to ’elp ’er. She said we would be partners.” The pride in his voice was unmistakable.
“Riding was the ’ardest because Solomon ’ad to be on a lead. She ’ated that, after all ’er freedom, but she accepted it and slow-like got as involved on the estate as she was before. And after almost two years of the ’ardest work I’ve ever seen any person do, she started to live again.” He stepped away from the fence he had been leaning on and put on his hat. “I’m jest ’bout done, your lordship. Do you want me to finish?”
“Go on, Toby.”
“Lady B was so proud of Miss Nick as she pulled ’erself up by the bootstraps and moved on again. She figgered it was time for them to enjoy a spell in London. Lady Nick pleaded and begged not to go. She didn’t want the staring, the stumbles, the awkward times—any of it. She tried to explain what a trial it would be for ’er. Lady B couldn’t see that, so she made Missy feel guilty. She said that she and Chelsea deserved some time away, but since they couldn’t leave Miss Nick, they wouldn’t be able to go.
“Lady B told ’er ’bout a fancy doctor in London who might be able to ’elp ’er. She ’ated seeing new doctors, but she said yes for Lady B.”
Toby let out a sigh. “Lady B thought she was doing the right thing for Miss Nick, but she jest couldn’t understand how the pain and fear of new places affected Missy. I’m jest a servant…never claimed to ’ave much in my brain box, but even I knew that. When Miss Nick agreed, it was only if they tried to keep ’er blindness a secret. She wanted people to treat ’er normal-like. She promised she would practice until it would be nigh impossible to tell, and she promised to ’ave me with ’er all the time. To give Lady B credit, she never wanted to go along with that. She knew if it got out it would make things look worse, but it was the only way Lady Nick would agree.
“That’s the story, your lordship. She never came looking for no ’usband or title. She never wanted to come at all. She came to please someone else, like she always does. She even tried to avoid you after that first party where you met. She felt you were too smart to fool for long.”
Toby’s eyes pierced Devlin’s with accusation and malice. “But you know what she told me when I gave ’er a piece of my mind for going out on that terrace alone that night? She told me it was the first time since the accident she felt like ’er old self. The one and only time she felt that way because you talked normal to ’er. You got mad at ’er when you were mad, and she said you even flirted with ’er some. She forgot ’ow that felt. She thought God provided you to lift ’er spirits. The longer it went on the ’arder it was for ’er. She thought she’d cause you ’urt so she tried to avoid you.” His voice rose in anger. “Folks jest don’t seem to understand that she can’t abide anyone suffering! But once again she’s the one ended up ’urt, and I for one don’t see ’ow much more that little girl can take.”
Devlin could not move. He had judged her against every other woman he had known and assumed the worst. He had accused her of misdeeds she had never committed. When he thought Toby was to keep him in line, the servant was protecting her from harm. He had made a total fool out of himself, and he was more confused than ever.
He thought back over times that now seemed so clear to him, but mostly showed him his own failings. When he had kissed her and she had touched his face, had she been trying to “see” him? How could he not know?
He was paralyzed with emotion and did not know what to do. Would she see him again? Could they talk this over? Should he leave her alone, or would that cause her more pain? If he did leave her, he knew it would be at the sake of losing a woman he had truly come to care about. Why did she not trust him enough to tell him? Did she not know how that would hurt him? They had become so close that he would not have changed his feelings toward her because she could not see. Would he? No, he knew he would not. He would have been her “Toby.”
Great guns, he had forgotten all about Toby.
Without looking up, he said, “Toby, I am sorry. I am sorry you had to come here today, and I am sorry you had to knock me down to say what you had to say. Most of all I am sorry for the hurt I have caused your mistress. I hope you can convince her to see me again so I can apologize to her.” He looked up, hoping to see a sign of encouragement in Toby’s eyes.
But Toby was gone.
Chapter Twelve
Devlin sent a missive to his grandmother requesting permission to visit her for a few days. For a fortnight he had kept up appearances; he was seen at all of his usual haunts. Inevitably each night found him home early, reliving every moment with Nicole and wondering a thousand times how he had missed the signs of her blindness.
He had seen how important Nicole’s faith was to her. It had apparently sustained her through many trials. Yet she did not use that same faith in connection with him. His own recriminations stopped him; by his own actions he had proved her right not to trust him.
He knew that had he left his stable immediately after Toby had opened his eyes that day, he could have reached Berkeley Square before the Beaumonts left London. Yet he did not go. His own insecurities stopped him. Suppose Nicole now turned her back on him. He deserved it, but he did not think he could bear it. Was that how she felt the many times she wanted to tell him? He had made a muddle of everything.
In the end he justified letting her go by telling himself that nothing he could say would make up for his actions. He conveniently put aside the noble and forgiving character Toby had described, assuming this was one thing she could never excuse.
Devlin further questioned the relationship itself. He had come to care for her—as more than a friend. The heart-stopping kiss shared on a moonlit terrace had proven that. Yet her secret had come out before they’d the opportunity to explore those new feelings.
Perhaps all the kiss had meant to her was the belief that she could trust him with her secret. Should he go to her and make amends? Would she assume a deeper meaning? Would he? What in the world was wrong with him? This woman had changed everything, and he could not figure it out.
He decided that he needed time to consider the matter further. He knew his grandmother’s house would be a safe haven for him as he deliberated his next move. He would invite Peter down for some hunting and spend time with the people closest to him, even as he agonized over the fact that Nicole topped that list. She had carved a niche into his life that would prove difficult to remove.
The Beaumonts left London and returned to the Dowager House at Beaufort soon after the doctor visit. Nicole tried to keep her spirits up in front of the others but it was the hardest thing she had ever done, considering the times she felt her heart breaking in pain. She had secretly convinced herself that her explanation to Lord Devlin that late night at his home would wipe away his anger and disgust. She’d imagined he would come and see her before she left Town. She had asked for his forgiveness and had explained the reasoning behind her duplicity. Nicole had harbored the inner hope that it would be enough.
She must now face the sad truth. It was not her subterfuge which had angered him, or he would have accepted her apology. Her blindness had given him a disgust of her, and somehow that hurt more than all the rest.
The problem facing her now was getting over Lord Devlin and that kiss. Though she had eventually put Michael out of her mind, she could not expect that experience to help her now. Even the waltz
they had shared on the moonlit terrace had aroused more emotion in her than anything she had ever felt with Michael.
Nicole finally called on the strength that had gotten her through hardship before, and settled back into her routine at home. She had discovered the heartache that deviating from God’s plan could bring. She would do so no longer.
If she spent her nights in tears and self-recriminations, only she and the Lord knew it.
When Devlin arrived at his grandmother’s, her health was the first subject he broached.
“I am feeling more the thing, Jared. I believe that last attack of influenza knocked me about a bit. I had done better to mind the doctor’s instructions.” She paused shortly before chiding him. “But had I been one hundred times worse, I would very soon have joined you in London. I should like to know if there is any truth to the rumors I have been hearing. I have never condoned setting up innocents as flirts, yet from the stories I have heard…”
Devlin cut her short. “Gossipmongers—I abhor them.”
“Jared, calm yourself. I do not listen to idle gossip and you know it. But I have been receiving notes and missives from some of my London friends, and I certainly hope I know which ones to take seriously and which to ignore. My living outside of London has never kept me from the latest on-dits. You pointed that out yourself the last time you were here. So if you thought your doings would not reach my ears, your intelligence has dulled somewhat since I saw you last.”
“Madame, I cannot imagine what you have heard, but there has been nothing to upset you so. I had not even planned on mentioning the matter to you, but should you like to talk about it we certainly can…after I have settled in and after you have rested.”
“Take heed, Jared. I will not be put off. I have heard too many worrisome accounts that have cut up my peace.” In a gentler voice she said, “Jared, you are more important to me than my own son. I am glad you came here to see me. I will be glad to see Lord Hampton as well. But I am not so foolish as to believe you just happened to need a visit on the heels of this affair in London.”
He could see the situation called for delicate handling. “I shall make you a pact. If you promise to go rest awhile now, we will meet again at dinner, and we may spend the evening catching up. I know you keep country hours, so I will meet you here at six to take you to dinner.” He turned to walk out of the drawing room but stopped at the door. “Thank you for letting me come stay with you, ma’am. I have missed you and your wisdom very much lately.”
When they met at dinner Devlin gave his grandmother a rehearsed, and much edited, account of his dealings with Nicole.
“Jared, I may be five and seventy years old, but I am not in my dotage. There is more to the story than this. I am afraid I heard you were actively pursuing this woman more than anyone could remember in a long time.”
Devlin cursed his luck as he realized she would not accept his light explanation, but he was not prepared to share more. “Grandmother, I will admit to seeking peace here to try to sort out the confusion in my mind. You are correct, there is more to the incident than I have related, but more than that, I cannot say now.” He saw the look of determination on her face and smiled sadly. “I am not avoiding you, I promise. I just need to come to some conclusions on my own. I have not lied to you, ma’am. I had a very special friendship with Lady Nicole. We enjoyed each other’s company, but there was no breach of promise and no compromise of her reputation. It is complicated. It is confusing—indeed, some of it is nothing less than unbelievable, but I am not ready to discuss it. Can you understand that? I am not trying to shut you out. It is just not the time.”
“Jared, I appreciate your honesty, but pray consider that sometimes talking things out with someone, especially someone you can trust, helps you work it out in your mind. If or when you need that, I vow I will always be available to you.”
Devlin knew he had gotten off easy and so spent the next few days hunting with Peter. Evenings were quiet, with reading or cards.
On their final evening together, Peter and Lady Augusta were debating the pleasures to be had at Vauxhall Gardens. Devlin silently sat reading one of the London newspapers. Lord Hampton interrupted both his hostess and his friend with his usual aplomb. “Speaking of London, old boy, if I leave here without the address of the Beaumont chit, Beth will have my head. Seems they forged an everlasting bond, and she has been after me an age to get it from you. She was not aware they were to leave London so soon and wants to invite the girl to Hampton Court for a few weeks.”
The silence that descended was foreboding, and as Lord Hampton looked confused, he added, “I am sorry, have I said something amiss? You know I am ever one for putting my foot in my mouth…”
Lady Augusta spoke up. “No, young man, you said nothing wrong. You have, however, broached a subject my grandson has been trying to avoid since he arrived here. And if his distraction these past few days is any indication, he has been very unsuccessful at it.”
“Great guns, Grandmother! I told you that I am always fodder for the tittle tattlers of the ton. I was not courting Nicole Beaumont.” His face was flushed, but he apologized under his breath for his language.
“I have to admit, old man,” Peter replied, candidly, “I thought you had serious designs on the girl. Beth could talk of nothing but the two of you smelling of April and May.”
Lady Augusta and Lord Hampton jumped unexpectedly as Devlin slammed his newspaper onto a table and began to pace the room. “It seems you two will not be satisfied until I tell you the whole of it. No matter that I have tried to make you understand this is not a topic I wish to discuss.”
“Darling,” his grandmother said. “It is quite obvious you have not conquered your demons on your own. We love you and want to help you. Is that not why you came here?”
“Very well, I shall endeavor to satisfy your curiosity, but on my oath, if one word of what I say goes out of this room, I will never forgive either of you. This is my business and my business alone. Do I make myself understood?”
The two waited as he paced the length of the room then went to lean against the mantle, staring into the fire.
“You are right, Peter, I did like Lady Nicole a great deal. I told myself I found the same friendship you had often touted with Beth. I found a real friend, who happened to be a female. But what I have related to you, Grandmother, is also true. There was no courtship. I will admit that as the weeks passed, my feelings became quite confused. Lady Nicole was as interesting and smart as any man of my acquaintance, and a pleasure to be with. I will also go so far as to say I had begun to be extremely attracted to her. But neither of us wanted marriage, and we were both open about that. I began by enjoying her friendship, as I think she enjoyed mine, but I confess I had no clear thoughts as to how such a relationship could continue. It was not as if I could invite her to go hunting with me at the end of the Season! You must see my dilemma?”
His eyes never left the fire and as he began to speak, it appeared he was explaining it to himself rather than to his listeners. “She was quite an enigma to me. When I met her, the Season was all but over. She had been in Town the entire time, yet I had never seen her before. When we discussed her past, she led me to believe it was quite mundane. Yet something in her air indicated a life much more than ordinary. I cannot explain it any better than that. I was intrigued.”
Devlin finally walked away from the fire and went to stare out the window. He continued talking, his back to them. “Do you know what she did? I mentioned to her that I had a speech to give in Parliament a few days before we attended the opera.” His voice continued in an awed tone with his next words. “She came to hear it. I know of no other woman of my acquaintance who would have cared a jot to hear the speech, much less forego an afternoon of festivities to do so. And when I think of…” His voice trailed off as if he could not finish. He just ran his hands through his hair.
“But that night after the opera, Peter, she began to avoid me. You know that evening wa
s quite pleasurable for us all. I could not understand the change in her. When we met again at your house the next day, you must have noticed she could not quit the place soon enough.
“Then one evening I attended a ball, and discovered her sitting among the dowagers with her mother.” He began to speak as if thinking out loud. “I suppose that is why I never saw her during the Season. She purposely hid there.” He shook his head to clear it.
“To make a long story short, I confronted her that night. I took her onto the terrace, lost my temper in my attempt to get answers, and then quite irrationally offended her. Deciding it was not the place to air grievances, she agreed to explain her actions to me the next day and we left quite…in charity with each other.” Devlin did not feel the need to mention the kiss they shared, yet it was much on his mind. “We arranged to meet the following day for a drive to Richmond Park.”
He finally came back and sat down in the chair he had recently vacated, which faced both Peter and his grandmother. “The rest of the story will show you what a truly despicable man I have become.”
Both of his listeners gasped in surprise, and then began denials.
He held up his hand to stop their defense of him. “I am not proud of it. I came here to see if I could conquer my doubts, mayhap justify my actions, but the more I think on it the more I curse them.” He stopped there and drifted off into his own thoughts.
Lady Augusta kept a calm voice and said, “Just tell us what happened.”
“Very well, I hope you may feel the same when you know the whole of it. We had ended the evening on such good terms that I wished it to continue. She had often mentioned the pleasure she had in riding, so I decided to surprise her with a horse for our outing instead of the constraints of the carriage. I truly thought she would be overjoyed with my plan. Needless to say, the surprise was an utter failure.” He paused again and put his head in his hands for a moment, as if the remembrance of that day caused him physical pain. “You see, she could not see my surprise. I took her to the front steps, and as her sister began describing the horse in detail to her it all became quiet clear. Nicole Beaumont is blind.”
