by Nicola Haken
“Fuck, you okay?” I asked, placing my kettlebell back on the floor and rushing over to him. He looked up at me and laughed. “Guess so.”
Hooking my arms under his, I lifted Ryder to his feet. I guided him towards his bedroom and had to physically lift him onto the bed.
“I’m sorry,” he slurred into the air. I opened my mouth to ask why but he continued before I could suck in a breath. “I’ve been a dick to you.”
My heart fluttered a little as hope filled my veins. But then I looked at him, lying flat on his back with his eyes half closed and realized he wouldn’t even remember this conversation in the morning. I continued getting him ready for sleep as best I could – pulling off his shoes and socks and then reaching for the edge of the comforter.
“Do you hate me, tiger?”
Tiger. The name lingered in my ears and I swallowed down the nonsensical lump of emotion that swelled in my throat.
“No, Ryder. Of course I don’t hate you.”
From the way his eyelids fluttered I suspected he hadn’t even heard me. I covered his clothed body with the blanket and tucked him in at the sides. It made me smile, remembering all the nights my mom would do the same to me. But the smile turned sad when I turned away from him. I’d never had a best friend before, and despite the short time I’d known Ryder I was sure he had become just that… but then something screwed it up before I had a chance to enjoy it.
Reaching out for the doorknob, I heard him shuffle onto his side. I looked back on him fleetingly when I thought I heard him mumble.
“I was raped, Mason.”
Confusion.
Anger.
Fear.
Heartbreak.
When? Who? Where?
My body was paralyzed. My feet welded to the floor. I clenched my fists by my side as a thousand different emotions attacked my body. Had I heard him right? Ryder was… raped? I played the sound of his voice over and over in my head until I was left with absolutely no doubt that was exactly what he said. My lips tried to part as I attempted to speak but they were sealed together, my mouth suddenly too dry to talk.
A lonely tear formed in the corner of my eye when I looked over at him, but he was fast asleep, his breathing slow and heavy. So, I stepped gingerly out of the room, closing the door softly behind me. Then I took myself back to bed and wrapped myself tightly in my sheets, hugging a pillow close to my chest and squeezing the pain I felt deep in my heart into it.
My breath came in short pants as sleep evaded me. I felt sick. Winded. My heart felt like it had ballooned right up into my throat. I spent hours wondering how I would approach this in the morning, or even if I should. Then the last thing I remember is turning over, away from the dampness staining my pillow from the tears I didn’t notice fall.
Chapter Six
~Ryder~
“Ugh,” I groaned, walking slowly, very slowly, into the living room with my arm stretched out in front of me to stop me bumping into anything. My head was pounding, my stomach rolling. “Pills. I need pills.”
“Over here,” Mason said quietly, although it seemed like he was yelling right into my fucking ears. I forced my eyes open a little wider and saw a glass of water and two headache pills set aside on the coffee table.
“Thanks,” I muttered when I reached the table, downing the two pills in one gulp. I collapsed backwards onto the couch, flopping my head back on the cushions. “I feel like shit.”
“I’m not surprised. Do you remember anything about last night?”
“I remember chatting up this old guy with a moustache at one point. But after that, nothing.”
“Nothing at all?”
“Oh fuck, what did I do? I fucked him didn’t I? The old dude?”
“Well if you did it was before you got home.”
Usually, the idea that I’d done something so stupid would at least bring a smile to Mason’s face. Yet he just stared at me, his eyebrows drawn down and what looked like concern forcing his lips into a frown.
“Wait…did we…”
“No,” he said without hesitation. “We didn’t sleep together.”
“Then what’s with the face? What did I do?”
He delayed his answer for longer than I thought necessary, causing a swarm of nervous butterflies to take up flight in my stomach.
“Nothing. You came in, fell over the table and I put you to bed.” I glanced behind me and noticed the side table by the door was missing. “It was unsalvageable,” he added, as if he knew what I was thinking. “You should go back to bed.”
“Ugh. I can’t move again. I’ll be sick.”
“Then lie down here,” he suggested, standing from the couch. “I have to get to the studio.”
“What for?”
“Ivan wants to take some promo shots of me and Taylor before our scene next week.”
“You’re shooting with Taylor?” I asked. I sounded whiney, almost like a jealous lover.
“Yeah. Look I’ve really gotta go. Catch you later.”
I started to nod, but it wasn’t worth the pain in my head. So instead I lay down on my side and curled myself up into a tight ball. I planned to sleep the rest of the day away feeling sorry for myself, only getting up to pee.
***********
“RYDER!”
“What the…” I shot up off the couch so fast I almost rocketed through the ceiling. “Jesus, Elle! You trying to kill me?”
“I’ve been trying to call you for hours!”
“I’ve been sleeping. What’s so important? And how the hell did you get in here?”
“You gave me a key,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Anyway, I’ve just finished final preps for the fashion week and I got talking with someone.” Her fists were clenched tightly by her side as if she was literally about to combust with excitement. “Would you be mad if I said I’d arranged a photo shoot for you?”
“Um, depends who with I guess.”
“Christian Pacello,” she beamed, clasping her hands together in a praying position.
“Are you fucking with me? When?”
“Next Thursday. 10 AM. I ran it past Ivan because I didn’t know if he held some kind of ‘rights’ to you. He’s good with it. In fact he’s really happy about it.”
“Well technically he does, but I know he’d support me in anything. Oh my God, Elle, this is fantastic!”
Wow. I sank back down onto the couch and dragged in a deep breath. Christian Pacello was my favourite underwear designer of all time and one of the biggest brands in the world. It was a huge name to model for and could really boost my reputation.
“I thought you might be pleased,” Elle said with a wide smile.
“Pleased? I’m fucking ecstatic!”
I took a few moments to let it sink in. This would be my first big modelling shoot and I was suddenly feeling really nervous, which was highly unusual for me. A good five minutes later and my stomach was still rolling with both excitement and apprehension, so I thought maybe a subject change might take my mind off the sickly feeling.
“How’re things going with Kip?”
“Perfect,” she answered dreamily. I couldn’t help but smile at her. She’d gone from her smart and bossy usual self to lovesick thirteen year old in a nanosecond. “Sometimes it feels so weird. I mean, I’ve known him forever, yet I never knew just how beautiful he was – inside and out.”
“Did you steal that line from one of those romance novels you read?”
“Piss off,” she spat, thumping me playfully on the shoulder.
“Seriously, babe, don’t do that again unless you want to be wearing eu de vomit for the rest of the day.”
“Aww did my boy have a rough night?”
“I’d tell you if I could remember. What I do know is, Mason was acting really weird this morning. I’m wondering if I came onto him or something and pissed him off.”
“Was he mad at you?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head in confusion. “He looked, I don’t know, w
orried I guess.”
“Well maybe, like me, he doesn’t like seeing you getting off your face every damn night. I know you’re young, free and single and all that jazz, but surely you can see it’s not cool to not be able to remember what you did the night before? I’m worried about you too. You could get yourself into all kinds of trouble and I don’t want that happening to you again.”
“I won’t ever go back to the drugs, Elle. I gave you my word on that and I meant it.”
“I don’t mean drugs, although I’m guessing you’re still smoking weed, right?”
“Oh come on. You know my stance on that. It’s a fucking plant, it should be legal anyway.”
“Well we’ll just have to agree to disagree there. But like I said, I don’t just mean the drugs. If you don’t remember what you’re doing how do you know you’ve not slept with someone? That you used protection? You’re leaving yourself wide open, Ryder.”
“I get checked regularly, you know that.”
“So fucking what?” Uh oh. She was mad. “It’s too late once you get a positive result. I’m serious, Ryder, going out and having a good time is one thing, but getting so obliterated you lose your memory is a whole different ballgame.”
“Sorry, Mum.”
“I’m being serious,” she scolded.
“I know,” I relented, feeling like a giant prick. “I’m sorry. I’m not usually so bad, my head’s just been kind of all over the place lately.”
“Why?” she pressed, her voice saturated with concern. “Are you thinking about using again?”
“No, no,” I assured her confidently. “No more than usual, but you know it will always be that way. I don’t even know what it is. I just feel… hell, I don’t know how I feel.”
“Jeez, you’re not in love are you?”
“Hell no! You know I don’t do that shit.”
“Sometimes I think you need to. Someone who can tame you,” she teased, winking.
“There is no taming Ryder, baby.” Elle smiled warmly at me while shaking her head. “So can we talk about something else now?”
“Um,” she pondered. “I saw your latest dick selfie on Twitter last night.”
“Huge right? I don’t know what the fuck I was dreaming about the night before but I just woke up and it practically punched me in the face.”
“Part of me thinks you’re crazy, and part of me really admires the fact you can get your bits and pieces out and not care who’s looking.”
“We’ve all got bits and pieces,” I mimicked. “Don’t see the big deal.”
“I remember being really surprised when you first told me most of your followers were women. But now, holy shit what you guys do is hot. Well not you personally. I don’t watch your stuff, that’d just be too weird.”
“And how does Kip feel about you watching gay porn?” I asked, grinning and raising an eyebrow.
“He just laughs and shrugs at me. I got him to watch a couple with me an-”
“No way!” I interrupted, making her laugh.
“Yep. He doesn’t understand what I see in it, said he might as well have been watching the news. But I caught him angling his head a couple of times, so I’m sure he was at least curious towards the mechanics of it.”
“Jeez, if the press got hold of that information they’d have a field day.”
“I never even thought of that! Maybe I’ll start using it as leverage during arguments,” she winked. “He’s almost finished setting up the studio. We’re having a party to celebrate next week. You’ll be there, right?”
“Ask me tomorrow when the thought of alcohol doesn’t make me want to shove my hand down my throat and rip out my stomach.”
“You’re such a drama queen.”
“And you’re so unsympathetic.”
“Your current state is self inflicted. You don’t deserve sympathy.”
“Bullshit. I totally took care of you that time you couldn’t walk without being sick and you couldn’t be sick without shitting your knickers.”
“That was food poisoning! How the hell was that self inflicted?”
“You didn’t have to eat from that dodgy Chinese place. That was a decision, therefore you made the wrong decision and it was your fault.”
“You’re an arse.”
“You’re a bitch.”
“You’re a whore.”
“And proud.”
Giggling, Elle leaned over and kissed my cheek.
“I have to get going, just stopped by to give you the news about the photo shoot and tell you to answer my damn calls in future!”
“Yes, boss. Sorry, boss. Won’t do it again, boss.”
“I’ll call you later,” she added, picking up her handbag from the floor and swinging it over her shoulder. “Make sure you answer or you’ll see my nasty side.”
“Elle, you once cried because Matt killed a spider. You wouldn’t know nasty if it bit you on the arse.”
“Try me!” she called over her shoulder, her brown ponytail swishing behind her as she sashayed towards the door. “Love you!”
“Love you back!”
After hearing the door close behind her I took a few moments to absorb the news she came here with. Me – Ryder Richardson, although I imagined they’d promote me using my alter ego Kyle King – was going to be modelling for Christian freaking Pacello. Wow.
With a huge, jaw-aching smile on my face, I curled back up into a comfortable position on the couch, and slept off the rest of the hangover from hell.
**********
“You were amazing!” Elle shrieked, throwing her body into my open arms. We’d just wrapped up the Christian Pacello shoot and I was getting dressed in my dressing room. “They adored you!”
“Yeah, I think it went pretty well,” I agreed. “I’d love to work with them again.”
“I have no doubt you will. And that video is going to be hot.”
I couldn’t disagree with her on that one. As well as stills, both alone and with some other guys, we spent several hours making a short film to advertise the brand. There was nothing explicit of course, just some light kissing, cuddling, posing together while looking right into camera etc. I was sure once they’d put it all together and edited it the video was going to be beautiful.
“This could be the start of something big,” she said, pulling out of our hug. “Would you ever consider modelling full time?”
“You mean, leave the porn?”
“Yes.”
“Sure,” I shrugged. “I’ve never seen the porn as a long term thing, not because I don’t enjoy it, but because I can’t imagine anyone would want to jerk off over my wrinkly arse in ten years time,” I joked. “I guess porn is more of a stop-gap, until I find something I’m really interested in.”
“I still think you should come and work for me,” she said with a mischievous glint in her eye. “You were interested in that. You must’ve been or you wouldn’t have made such a great stylist so quickly.”
“It does interest me. I’m just not, I don’t know, passionate about it. Like you? You can see how much it means to you every time you pick up your scissors. Your eyes sparkle with just how much you love it. I didn’t have that, and I want it. I just don’t know what will give me that yet.”
“Maybe you should try McDonalds. You love fast food right?” After flipping Elle the bird and summoning a sarcastic smile, I laughed. “I’d best get going. I need to shower and change before coming to yours.”
Kip’s studio was ready and gearing up for it’s official opening. Tonight he and Elle were throwing a party to celebrate and from the sound of it everyone in LA and their plus one’s were going to be there.
“Sure. I need to get back and check on the salon anyway so I’ll be leaving soon too.” She stepped closer and gave me a quick peck on the cheek. “See you later, gorgeous. And well done for today.”
Mason wasn’t home when I got to my apartment so with no one to talk to, I showered and changed quickly before heading straight
out to Elle and Kip’s. I didn’t think Elle would be there yet but I was bored so planned to go and pester Kip until everyone arrived.
I drove to their house because I wasn’t planning to drink. From the way Mason had been tiptoeing around me this past week I clearly did something stupid the last time I got drunk and I wasn’t in a hurry to repeat it. Driving through the iron gates I noticed Matt waiting outside with some guy I vaguely recognised. He waved as I pulled up and starting walking over to me when I got out of the car.
“Who’s your friend?” I asked, inconspicuously nodding my head towards the man waiting for him.
“That’s Alex. From Kaleidoscope.”
“The bartender?”
“Yeah.”
“I didn’t realise he knew Kip.”
“He doesn’t. He’s here with me. Been back to the bar a few times, he’s a cool guy.”
“You’ve been back to a gay bar? Alone?”
“Hey, it’s a cool place. And, I never thought I’d say this, but it’s kinda refreshing not having chicks clawing at you every two seconds. Who knew you could go to a bar and actually talk to people?”
“Aw, my boy’s growing up,” I teased, clapping his shoulder as we made our way over to Alex. “Hey,” I said, shaking Alex’s hand. “Good to see you again.”
“This place is fucking incredible.” Alex’s eyes were wide and gleaming with awe as he weighed up the grounds surrounding Kip’s condo. I remembered the feeling well, but after becoming friends with Sawyer and the guys this kind of extravagance faded into insignificance after a while.
“My place is bigger,” Matt shrugged, stepping up to the front door. He opened it and we followed him inside. A few people I didn’t recognise were already here and I nodded in greeting as I made my way through the house to find Kip. I found him outside on the decking by the pool, adjusting the coals on the biggest barbecue I’d ever seen.
“Hey, Ry!” Kip beamed, wiping his hands down on his apron before giving me a brief one-armed hug. “How’ve you been, mate?”
